perzephone: (Default)
Saved for easy retrieval:

  1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
  2. What is your greatest fear?
  3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
  4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
  5. Which living person do you most admire?
  6. What is your greatest extravagance?
  7. What is your current state of mind?
  8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
  9. On what occasion do you lie?
  10. What do you most dislike about your appearance?
  11. Which living person do you most despise?
  12. What is the quality you most like in a man?
  13. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
  14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
  15. What or who is the greatest love of your life?
  16. When and where were you happiest?
  17. Which talent would you most like to have?
  18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
  19. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
  20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
  21. Where would you most like to live?
  22. What is your most treasured possession?
  23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
  24. What is your favorite occupation?
  25. What is your most marked characteristic?
  26. What do you most value in your friends?
  27. Who are your favorite writers?
  28. Who is your hero of fiction?
  29. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
  30. Who are your heroes in real life?
  31. What are your favorite names?
  32. What is it that you most dislike?
  33. What is your greatest regret?
  34. How would you like to die?
  35. What is your motto?


perzephone: Wednesday Addams as played by Christina Ricci (be afraid)
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perzephone: (Default)
As part of my slave persona, Rob has set up some trials for me to endure. Since he is Lord Brimstone, and because, well, fuck, he's Rob, the trials are based on the Seven Deadly Sins.

The first one is Greed. We were supposed to have a session tonight, but I got hit with some mental health stuff that interrupted it. Rob is pushing me to talk during our sessions. He wants to hear me beg and plead basically. Like many other subs, when I get into slave-mode, I become quiet and shy. I'm a close-mouthed person to begin with, and could sometimes go a few days without saying more than 5 words per day. Talking during sex, begging, pleading & asking for things I want, is just not something I'm good at. I had been thinking about good things to say, sort of working on a casual script. But, I didn't know how I was going to pull it off, and the asking/pleading thing bugs me. I don't even ask for things I need IRL, and whenever possible, I do things myself.

I did take some HBW this morning, and I was starting to feel really good. Then Rob, who was dealing w/the truck, kept calling me, then we got a bunch of sexy toys in the mail, so he wouldn't quit calling me - and because the dog loses her shit every time a phone rings I got really frazzled. Since I was planning on getting high, I haven't been taking any Elavil (there are contraindications for Elavil & LSA) and my sleep has been spotty. Like, um, I worked Tuesday night, slept a fitful five hours on Wednesday, took a two-hour nap early Thursday morning, and haven't slept since. Sleep, I'm finding, is extremely important to my mental health & physical well-being.

Rob finally came home around 1 or 2 Thurs afternoon - the truck still won't pass smog, but they did some wiring & re-fusing & tomorrow he's got to drive it for an hour or so to reset the computers & then go back to the shop to see if it'll pass smog.

We opened all our toys & played around some. As part of my preparation for my Lesson in Greed, my Lord and Master wanted me to dress slutty & go into a sex shop to buy a certain type of dildo.

Well, I don't have slutty clothes. I don't have sexy clothes. I've got pants & jeans. No skirts or dresses that hit above my knees. No shorts. My calves are fucked up from being allergic to my wool uniform - I've got some cellulitis-type scarring & constant irritation on both of them. I can't exactly take steroids or antihistamines 24/7 until we get new uniforms (which will hopefully be soon). No amount of TLC, lotions, etc, make the calf situation better, and some make it considerably worse. To top it off, at the beginning of 2013 I was bitten by some kind of venomous spider, didn't go to the ER or my regular doctor, and picked at it so it got infected & ulcerated. My left calf looks like bad ham. Therefore, I don't like showing them off in public.

I've got a bunch of over-sized, flowing, bohemian looking stuff that frankly doesn't match my new collar and is kind of cumbersome for doing stuff to myself while driving to said sex shop or back home. All of my clothing for the past 10 years or so has been purchased with the sole intent to hide me. It all fits like a potato sack.

I stood there looking at all these long cotton skirts & dresses and got really frustrated. I could feel my brain wanting to just give up, come back out to the living room, sit at the computer & start playing Triple Town or WoW or some shit, and just basically give up. But I stopped myself. I told myself that I am a grown woman who is trying desperately to heal.

I came out in the living room & explained my dilemma to my husband, and told him I was going to take a shower, and after that asked him to take me to the mall. I had a shower epiphany. I am greedy. I do want more. I want more out of life for me, Rob & Chelsie. I want more out of life for Jody and Terry, and their kids & grandkids. I want more out of life for Rob's family. 

I want more health.
I want more fun.
I want more excitement.
I want more wonderment.
I want more pleasure.
I want more happiness.
I want more love.

I don't want to let go of what I've gained, either. I want to hold on to every last drop with a death-grip and not let go. I am not going to let myself or anyone else rob me of what I have managed to gather for myself.

I came to another realization this afternoon. Working with Rainbow Serpent has shown me that I am shedding my skin. It's been dull, drab and my eyes have been milky and hazy. I haven't been seeing the world clearly, and I've been stuck in my old skin for far too long. I am Rainbow Serpent Woman now, Cihuacoatl. I have always been Cihuacoatl, but I've been stuck in old useless skins and my true shimmering rainbow scales have been hidden from sight. (To work it in with my Lord & Master's 'master plan' which will culminate in his giving me a slave-name, which shall be Sin, I am THE Serpent, the Serpent in the Garden, the Serpent of Wisdom, the Serpent who offered Eve the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Life and Death - Rob ate that up, but it made sense to me, too - I am the Greedy Serpent that offers my dieting co-workers really good food).

Long story short, I hit Torrid like a sledgehammer and have a collection of cute, comfortable, well-fitting clothing that flatters my curves (and none of that Spanx shit, thank you very much) that are for me. I've also got a couple of slutty things to wear for my Lord and Master.

perzephone: (lunar phases)
I broke up w/Josh via text.

Yes, I am that kind of bitch.

In other news, Rob has gone full Dom. I unleashed a monster, and have the bruises to prove it. Sexy, sexy bruises. I am a sick person - I feel very desirable and wanted. I feel so damned sexy. Rob's been walking around with a recurring hard-on for the past two weeks, and I've been wet continuously.

I also have motivation to lose weight so I can wear fetish gear. It is almost impossible to find decent corsets, stockings, boots, costumes, etc. for an American size 22. Even the 2x/3x stuff runs small - like, a 2x is a size 16. WTactualF is up w/that shit? Either that, or I may have to learn how to sew, and get an industrial multi-function sewing machine, and start marketing a true plus-size line of affordable fetish wear. Rob's been having a hey-day w/leather straps & chains & clips & clamps... maybe I can do something along the same lines w/actual clothing.

Doors are opening, and I'm walking through them.
perzephone: (Default)
LSA is schedule III & not really tested for. Safe high, woohoo!

Friday

NSFW Jun. 29th, 2014 09:21 am
perzephone: (lunar phases)
( You're about to view content that the journal owner has advised should be viewed with discretion. )
perzephone: madness takes its toll. please have exact change. (exact change)
This is me on Zoloft:







perzephone: madness takes its toll. please have exact change. (exact change)
It's kind of weird... I'm doing laundry & going over my therapy session from yesterday. The suicidal thoughts have pretty much gone away. I imagined myself telling Rob exactly how close I came to offing myself, and me-in-my-head finished up by saying 'and I never want to feel that way again'.

Kind of took me aback. So there is some part of me that has a self-preservative streak. Interesting. A new me is unfolding, and it's kind of frightening and exhilirating all at the same time.
perzephone: (baphomet)
I love when people tell me they have a 'dark side'. It was Josh this time, mainly because he watches Dexter & somehow relates to the series. I then proceeded to tell him about some of the things I saw while working at Child Haven & the DA's office. Josh determined that he didn't actually have a dark side, he just likes movies/shows about serial killers & occasionally has violent fantasies that he would never actually perform. From a normal emotional standpoint, even I was disturbed by some of the things I saw. I think the worst of it was how the supposed good guys - the assistant DAs, the law clerks, the secretaries, the investigators, LEOs, etc. all acted towards not only the perpetrators of the crimes, but the victims as well. Compassion and humanity doesn't run deep in the legal system, at least not here.

I imagine if I had started my Zoloft while working for the County, I'd probably still be there, and I'd probably be one of the monsters, too.  

My dark side is that nothing humans do surprises me. Absolutely nothing. From the depths of depravity to the glorious heights of altruism, humans are just humans. We're capable of so much harm and so much help.



perzephone: madness takes its toll. please have exact change. (exact change)
This isn't a typical urge for me, but over the past few weeks I've been wanting to trip balls. I don't know if it's a side-effect of the Zoloft or a side effect of feeling better, but damn, I want to get high so bad. I have no idea who I could score anything off of. I know my backyard neighbors are growing weed, but that's not what I want. I want mescaline, LSD, DMT, X, something that will make me see pretty colors.

I keep getting the urge to ask facebook if anyone knows where I can score some LSD, but I think that would be a Very Bad Idea. I'm feeling reckless and confident, but not that reckless. It's a fine line between reckless and retarded.

Josh eventually texted me back, and now he's worrying me because everything is hearts and roses w/him. He also gave me a classic and hilarious line: "If I was rich I would make all your dreams come true". I laughed so fucking hard over that. He's also told me I have perfect nipples, which was far more endearing than making dreams reality.

Well, if I was rich all my dreams would be true, motherfucker.

I'm liking the New & Improved Zoloft-Enriched Me. I'm fucking awesome.

perzephone: (bad ducky)
Yeah, I'm still pretty messed up.

My sister texted me that she loved me & my husband. I texted her back to ask her if she'd been taken hostage. I honestly thought she found out she was terminal or maybe had decided to commit suicide.

So I laid in bed for a few minutes wondering what I'd do if she was actually dying and my Zoloft high kicked in & was like, 'Wheeee, let's put the fun back in funeral!!!'

I suppose there are some drawbacks to chemically induced happiness.

Zoloft FTW

May. 27th, 2014 06:23 am
perzephone: (Default)
I kind of feel like I've wasted the past decade or so. I feel so good right now. It's a world of difference between how I was feeling back in Dec/Jan vs. the past two weeks. I'm still a waste of human space, but at least now I'm an alert & curious, waste of human space. 

I almost accidentally applied for a 911 Dispatcher position in Elko, NV. I don't even know where Elko is. 

I also accidentally on-purpose sent a text to Josh. It's been almost 12 hours w/no response. I don't think he's taking the bait. I'm going to let him  go I suppose. It's just mean of me to keep trying to string him along when I don't really want to be with him as a partner. 

It's always made me curious as to why men get so possessive & protective of me. The women I've been with, too. I don't think I project that needy dependent vibe. Of course, I never get to ask any of them after the relationships end. We always just go our separate ways, no questions asked. 

perzephone: (Default)
I feel like the guy in the Turn Down for What video. I just want to smash things with my crotch and hump anything I can't smash.

It's kind of frightening. I am not used to feeling good. Really good. Really damned good. I keep thinking it's some horrible side effect, like serotonin syndrome or something. I feel alert & active & curious. It's been years.

We've been dealing w/neighbor issues this entire weekend (which is Weds/Thurs for me). We have a broken wall now thanks to some would-be parkourdouche using our wall as a shortcut. He's going to be really fucking surprised when I catch him & happen to have a cast iron skillet in my hand. It's one of the neighbor's kid's friends.

A part of me is daydreaming about calling Josh & asking if he wants to take a boat to the Virgin Islands. Not that I would go but at least a part of me is feeling adventurous enough to consider the possibilities.

perzephone: (Default)
OMFGs!!!

My sex drive is back! It's amazing! It's incredible! It's like my sex overdrive!

Everybody is sexy! Everything is sexy!

I haven't felt this damned sexy for many many moons.

Thank you Zoloft!

Constancy

May. 20th, 2014 05:20 pm
perzephone: (lunar phases)
Blogging does do one useful thing. I went reading back through my entries last night and discovered that,  back in 2011, Rob & I had the exact same conversation about my emotional depth. According to my journal, his reaction/response then was the same as it was a few days ago. I also had the accepting/changing discussion with myself. I can also see the upticks & downturns in my own depression. Rob said he thought a lot of my recent depression was because of my hysterectomy, but from my blog I could see that it was building up before my surgery, and that my surgery took place right around the time I was feeling like a failure for returning to the Excalibur.

I really need to find a new identity for myself that isn't so strongly linked to what I do for a living. Either that or I need to find a job that is closer to the identity I want to have.

Decisions

May. 18th, 2014 10:57 pm
perzephone: (lunar phases)
Talked to Rob about my shallow emotions, and my inability to feel anything deeply. He doesn't care as long as I'm not mean to him or the dog. He's ok with me pretending/acting, whatever. He also told me that I am different from almost everyone he's ever met in one important way - I accept. I accept other people pretty much at face value, and I'm a live-and-let-live kind of person at heart. I do judge other people, but it's mostly in my own head and I don't really expect other people to stop doing what they're doing just because I think they're a bad person - as long as they're not doing it to me.

It's not like my disaffection prevents me from doing anything. I'm not always motivated to provoke others or anger others or push other people's buttons. Inasmuch as I like the free entertainment it provides, I can also be kind. I can act compassionately, even if I'm not a compassionate or empathetic person. I know the difference between 'right' and 'wrong', and what is socially acceptable behavior in most situations. I've been doing it all along, anyway. Doesn't matter what I feel or don't feel, as long as I know what to do.

I think the most important thing is that I start accepting myself, with all my kinks and quirks. Stop beating myself up for being a bad Pagan (hellooo Apatheism!), stop beating myself up because I have the emotional depth of an ice cube tray, stop beating myself up because I communicate better with dogs & computers than people.

I am kind, and I can be kind to myself, too.

perzephone: (cunty day)
Thanks, Zoloft! 

So far I've lost my religion & broken a drunk guy's heart. What else can I fuck up?

And the radio is conspiring against me - playing a bunch of sappy songs like I Can't Make You Love Me & That's Why They Call It the Blues. Oh, and let's not forget Purple Rain. Fuck you, Sunny 106.5*. 

Josh has all these dreams about stealing me away, getting a boat & taking me to Tahiti or something. Getting a dog & naming it Gilligan. I don't know... and now he's drunk & angry & hurt. Hopefully tomorrow he will only be hung over & will still make it to work. 

I have to be brutally honest, though. I've got a personality disorder to contend with, and it's horrible enough that I don't really feel anything for my husband. I'm not dragging anyone else down with me. I have regrets about what I've done to other people emotionally because of my trust/abandonment/personality problem, and my drinking. I'm gun-shy of any kind of meaningful relationships with anyone. I'd like friendships & romances, but I am not emotionally capable of supporting anyone else. I've got a lot in common with psychopaths/sociopaths as far as using people to get what I want without giving anything in return. I make no emotional investments, can't make any emotional investments, so I don't feel any pain. All I can do is pretend.  

Oh well, doesn't matter, got a dick pic out of it. 

(*originally I cursed BobFM. It wasn't Bob's fault.)

Maudlin

May. 17th, 2014 01:40 am
perzephone: (lunar phases)
I guess I'm back to this again.

I'm hoping it's just drunken text speak. Josh has proclaimed his love for me. If it's drunken text speak then we're cool. I love everyone & their mother when I'm drunk, too.

If it's not, and he's deluded himself into this... I'm going to break his heart. I already feel like shit about it.
perzephone: (Default)
I feel so fucking weird. All of a sudden I want to do things, but am simultaneously bored by everything. So I mostly sit & surf the 'Net, but am more interested in what I'm looking at. I want to have sex, but Rob threw his back out & all other potential candidates are non-existent. Took a spider-free bath, but didn't want to stay in it once I got in there. Tried to sext Josh, but my phone took 30 minutes to download his dick pic, so that was a no-go. I want a tambourine but don't have one. I want a bodhran but don't have one. And it's 3am, so yeah, the neighbors wouldn't appreciate the noise. But fuck 'em, their kid throws rocks at our house.

The Zoloft is great but all of a sudden I've got ADHD.

Squirrel!!!

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Rainbow Serpent Woman

August 2014

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