Feb. 6th, 2014

perzephone: madness takes its toll. please have exact change. (exact change)
I'm scary today.

At the behest of my husband, I cleaned my desk off. We were going to hang a stag skull over my desk, but Rob had marred the skull considerably trying to remove a broken section. I don't really care, but he wants it to look nice, so I told him to just take the antlers for his projects. We've already got the nice one over the front door. Him & Bob are buddies.

I started gathering up all the little scraps of paper that my desk accumulates. Song titles, shopping lists, business cards, favorite quotes, reminders of things to do... and I decided to put together a contact list for Rob. Just in case something happened to me (or to him, for that matter). So everything would be handy, in one easy to reach place.

I'm telling myself that it's just in case I end up in mental health care. But I really know it's suicide. It used to just sort of be an OCD-type thing. It was always there, circulating in my head, an easy answer to anything. This time, there's a feeling like I'm trying to put things in order. I know it's bad, I know I should tell someone, but I feel like a puppet. There's an inevitability about it. I don't think it's the Zoloft, because it started before I went to the pshrink. That's why I went to the pshrink in the first place.

I can honestly say this is the worst it's ever been.


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Rainbow Serpent Woman

August 2014

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