Apr. 10th, 2014

perzephone: madness takes its toll. please have exact change. (exact change)
It finally dawned on me that I respond to deep emotions and emotional displays much like I respond to maggots.

Once upon a time, I went to pick up the neighbor's garbage can. It had fallen over in the street, and I was being neighborly. As I approached the garbage can, I could hear a Rice Crispie sound coming from it, the fabled sound of maggots busy eating.

Now, I still would like to somehow be involved in the caring of dead people, and when you work for the dead, you encounter maggots. But I've never actually done any field work, so to speak. When I was a little kid, I had a knack for finding rotten things in unexpected places & that basically means I've stuck my hand into maggot-ridden carcasses of dead animals. So it's embarrassing to admit that I couldn't pick up my neighbor's maggot-ridden garbage can. 

And it wasn't just a matter of looking into it, seeing maggots & going 'Ewwwww' all the way back into my garage. I mean, I stopped dead in my tracks and had a fifteen-minute argument with my hands and feet. Consciously and fully aware, I kept telling myself, "You will pick that garbage can up and move it onto the sidewalk. Now go!"... and my feet refused to move forward, and my back refused to bend over, and my hand refused to grab the garbage can. Flat-out disobeyed direct orders from my brain. It was a weird sensation. I had developed a sudden case of paralysis. My hands were clenching into fists and back out, my toes flexed, I could feel all my muscles preparing to take a step - but nothing happened. When I finally stopped fighting myself, I almost fell flat on my ass because all those straining muscles relaxed all at the same time. I had no problem turning around and going back to the garage.

That's what it's like for me. I face any number of uncomfortable, weird or awkward situations, or a potentially emotional situation, or the emotional outburst of another person - and no matter what sort of pep talk I launch in my head, I cannot move forward. And the sudden-onset paralysis creeps into my brain, too. The pep talk is squashed into silence. I cannot act or react. I just stop.

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Rainbow Serpent Woman

August 2014

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