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Sometimes I wonder how I could possibly be fat. Every time I sit down w/a plate of food, half of it goes to Rob, and now a fourth of it goes to the dog. I used to avoid sharing food with Rob on occasion by eating things he didn't like (crab legs, artichokes, chorizo, octopus/squid, oatmeal...), but that list is getting shorter & shorter. He even eats some sushi now, and seafood. The dog will eat anything (except Cheetohs and bread), so it doesn't work with her. I am getting to reclaim some of my veggies because most of the green stuff makes Chelsie puke, but she still gets things like corn on the cob, carrots, squash and yams. It would seem easy to just not feed the dog table scraps, but we're a pack, we don't 'own' the dog. She eats what and when we eat, and she is healthy and happy. She's got no food aggression and she knows the schedule, so it works well for everyone.

Except me, the constantly underfed and hungry :P The only time I get a full meal is for lunch at work. This past week, being home... I'm looking forward to going to work tomorrow so I can get a decent meal for a change.
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I don't really see anything wrong with me.

Adipositivity

At least, not on the outside.

On the inside, it's all Seether music and old age fighting over mah soul.
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Last night I pulled out Thurisaz for the answer to 'What is my Cross'?

The challenge I face, consistently and constantly, throughout my lifetime. Thurisaz - the earthen resistance of the ancient giants, the moldthur, and the passive defensiveness of thorns. Interestingly enough, it is also the generative power of masculinity, so maybe my cross to bear is my father's legacy in me. That restless wandering homeless aimlessness immaturity that he embodied, expressed in my life as never knowing what I want to be when I grow up, always looking for the next best thing.

Rob's still against me picking up a part-time job. It has absolutely nothing to do with me, it's because he feels guilty about not working. I've been thinking about hitting up some smaller hotels instead of hotel-casinos. Maybe another Best Western or something. Some place with a couple hundred rooms instead of a couple thousand rooms. Whatever I decide, I'm trying to wait out this week, see if I end up getting fired on Friday. It's going to be a nerve-wracking week and I've given up booze due to calories. No more self-medicating for me, hah.

Been keeping a food diary over the past couple of weeks for the doctor. Been counting calories, too. My daily intake is about 1000 - 1200 calories, mostly fruit & veggies. My stomach is killing me, but I keep telling it no bread, no pasta, no beer - no pain, no E. Just keeping the fantasy alive ;)

Edited to add: Just ran through my past two weeks & it's been pretty revealing. I have only eaten about 700 calories worth of food yesterday & today, but it felt like I was eating a bunch of junk food all weekend. My worst day (2080 calories) involved a mixed seafood platter from the Hawaiian Barbecue place up the road. A fried mahi mahi filet, 2 fried shrimp, 2 fried scallops, macaroni salad & kim chee was about 1000 calories in & of itself. 2 pieces of Pizza Hut's pineapple & black olive pizza & 2 breadsticks only came to about 700 calories. My home-made hamburgers have about the same amount of calories as a McDonald's Quarter-Pounder (550 in case you were wondering - mine have waaaaaay less sodium, though, because I don't salt my burgers, I use a smidge of Worcestershire sauce, some garlic, some chile powder, some onions, you get the picture), but I broil my burgers. I think it's the buns that are doing me in, simply because I buy Sara Lee's whole-grain white instead of whole-wheat or something. Rob won't eat whole-wheat bread. If I cut out the bun, mayo & ketchup, that's almost 400 calories right there. Mayo is 90 calories per 1 tbs. & I put about a tbs. of mayo on each side of the bun. I like mayonnaise & the thought of eating a burger w/out it is just depressing. There's something about the alchemy of a grilled burger's juices mingling with the fatty tanginess of mayo... especially after it's seeped into that last bite of seasoned, slightly crisp on the edge, bun. yum. I've been pretty good, though - fruit at work all week, salmon once a week, a couple of no-meat days in there.

Gods, I can't help it. I love food. I honestly do. I don't live to eat, but eating adds a layer of simple joy into my otherwise joyless life. Especially good food, and I am a damned good cook. I may not be a Food Network-calibre chef, but I can fucking cook, and I enjoy cooking. I also garner much satisfaction from the idea that I am nourishing myself and others when I cook for them. Food is sacred, cooking for others is sacred, and it's an act of service in which I never mind involving myself or my time. Tonight I popped a couple of chicken breasts coated in barbecue sauce into the oven before we went to the grocery store & coming home to that awesome smell filling the house... there's nothing else quite like it in the world. Except maybe a roasting turkey.
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I hear about this every once in awhile. I've also seen things on t.v. & in person, too.

I honestly have very few feelings one way or the other about dietary preferences. Much like sexual orientation, to each their own. If you want to eat veggies, eat veggies. If you want to eat meat, eat meat. Personally, I think that choosing a diet in the name of politics or activism is stupid because eating should be something you do for your body, not for your ideals - but if you want your politics to dictate your diet, so be it.

With all that said, the thing that pisses me off about a lot of vegetarians and vegans I've encountered is that they are like missionary Christians. They want to push their politics onto other people - and in some cases, their pets. Moonvoice has heard wind of a vegetarian who has a sick ferret & a vet has suggested feeding it meat - but the vegetarian prefers to force their own dietary preference on their pet.

In the wild, most of a ferret's energy is consumed by actively seeking other living things to eat, and most members of the Mustelidae (the largest family within the Carnivora order) family are efficient and fearsome hunters - like wolverines and badgers. Yes, they can be opportunistic scavengers and they will eat berries and plants - but it is not a steady, primary diet. Ferrets eat meat. They are carnivores as nature intended them to be. Their bodies and digestive systems are designed to eat meat, their teeth and claws are sharp for tearing flesh. They don't have politics or morals or ethics - they have prey-drive and instincts.

When an animal becomes a pet it places a sacred trust in its owner to provide it care and shelter. House pets are especially vulnerable because in general they cannot survive on their own in the environment in which they live. To let an animal suffer from malnutrition because your politics and morals interfere with your ability to act humanely is absolutely appalling.

It's taken awhile for me to cool off enough to put my thoughts into digital form... and all I can really say is that out there is a God or Goddess Who loves ferrets - and hopefully He or She or It was paying attention.
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Everyone is just getting Yule cards this year :P I put me & Rob in serious financial problems when I went to steady-extra, but I don't regret one moment of not working. I got 3 B's & an A this semester, so the extra time paid off. Collection companies are calling, all the cards are overlimit, and I don't really give a flying fuck-all. I am wondering exactly how I'm going to cover the three textbooks I'll need next semester. Probably have to borrow from the m.i.l., or actually be diligent about calling work every day & actually going to work. Do not want! LoL.

I just wish having this extra time to myself would also give me some motivation and energy and drive. I just don't want to do anything. Don't want to make out the Yule cards. Don't want to put in applications w/the County. Barely want to do laundry. But, I've brought about 10 alts on other servers up to lvl 10 so they can partake of the Winter's Veil festivities. And I've made a lot of gold farming eggs. Wish it was that easy in real life. Run around, kill some dragon hawk hatchlings, auction off the eggs... I did buy some liquid starch & pick up some free newspapers - that whole papier mache mask idea, but that's as far as I got with it.

I think I've internalized a decision, too. I like my belly, I have no animosity towards it. I'm changing my diet - not dieting. I'm exercising for my knees and my heart, not to lose weight. There's no evidence that losing weight actually cures any chronic syndrome or lengthens a person's lifespan. This past year I have lost some weight, and put some back on, so my net loss was 5 lbs. Wow. 11 months of denial to lose 5 lbs. I haven't changed, I am not more motivated by that 5 lbs. to lose any more, my health hasn't changed except for finding out a majority of my aches & pains were directly related to a deficiency. Most of this was related to a coupla articles in this month's Utne Reader, a great source of inspiration for me.

For now, it's back to WoW. I do work the next two nights, & I'm covering audit for the end of the year, which means nice holiday OT for me, it being my birfday an' all. ;)

Still no sign of the balloon.
perzephone: (Default)
Ok, I study entheogens - drugs that make you see God. I have tried a few here and there - my most recent experiment was with Salvia divinorum, diviner's sage.

I am fairly open-minded, despite the drug-related tragedies that have touched my life and the lives of loved ones. Drugs are both good and bad. Good for some, bad for others. I tend to trust modern pharmaceuticals and home-grown things moreso than street drugs. Yes, prescription drugs & OTC's can be just as or more harmful in the long run than a little pot, or a little XTC... but prescriptions usually don't come with drain cleaner or formaldehyde in the mix.

However, I don't respect people who justify their drug use with ignorance. If you're going to do drugs, know what the drug is, what it will really do to you, and be honest about it. When I drink, I know I'm making my depression worse. When I'm drunk, I can be a filthy, sloppy drunk cow who takes her clothes off in public & I can get beligerent and even more brutally honest than when I'm sober. But, I know from others that when I'm drunk, I can write. I can relax, even if I can't forget all the things I worry about when sober. I know what I'm doing to my stomach, liver and brain. I know the potential of alcohol poisoning and the all-too-common death from alcohol poisoning that runs in my family. But I still get drunk on occasion, and those occasions are getting more frequent as of late because sometimes, I'm so frustrated when I get home from work that the only outlet I have is a beer or a couple of shots. Booze seems to be the only thing that can put perspective on my crappy job. I'm burned out & I know it, and no matter how many classifieds I read I'm stuck. I haven't resorted to going to work drunk. Not yet, anyway.

Wild systems contain poisons. Formal systems are certainly poisonous, but lack the playfulness of, say, wild coyotes.
- Dale Pendell, Pharmako/Poeia


'In all things there is a poison, and there is nothing without a poison. It depends only upon the dose whether a poison is a poison or not.'
- Paracelsus, 1490 – 1541




I'm in the middle of an online debate about using marijuana to treat depression. Marijuana, like alcohol, is a depressant. It supresses brain chemistry and retards motor functions. Although it doesn't bind to the opiate receptors in the brain, we do have cannabinoid receptors that act in much the same way. Eases pain, distorts space & time perception, stimulates hunger. In the short, immediate term, it can also cause tachycardia & raise blood pressure. Some may think because of the stimulating effects that it is a stimulant - but long-term use reveals its true nature. It's been shown to be very bad for schizophrenics.

Potheads of all ilks get really pissed off & defensive when anyone mentions the truth about the physiological effects of marijuana, or the fact that when you smoke it, it becomes carcinogenic. They don't recognize the danger in buying drugs off the street - fiberglass, anyone? PCP? They seem to be a little paranoid, thinking it's all some government plot to justify the illegalizing of a relatively harmless substance - but I'm quoting to them from the entheogenic heroes - Pinchbeck, Weil, Davis, Ratsch, Schultes, Pendell. Even erowid.org says marijuana is a depressant - but it also lists it as a stimulant & a euphoriant. They all seem to miss the essential point - understand the drugs you use & be honest about why you're using a drug. It may not make that behavior right - I'm not right in falling back on alcohol as a coping mechanism, but I know what I'm doing when I do it. Personally, I believe that (even with my allergies) marijuana should be legalized or at least decriminalized. Clean out the non-violent offenders from over-crowded, over-burdened prison systems. Nicotine is far more addicting & alcohol is far more dangerous than marijuana, generally because stoned people stay home & don't smoke as much pot as nicotine addicts smoke cigarettes.

Anyway, I'll get off my dopebox. My diet is going well. My feet have lost weight & now my shoes are too loose. I think my boobs are smaller. It's amazing what a difference some slight changes in diet can make. I haven't even started trying to move more, I've just been applying my general knowledge of nutrition & metabolism to myself. I know I'm at a standstill unless I honestly start moving more. I'm just so freakin' tired, though. I'm thinking about getting one of those stationary bicycles that consist of pedals on a frame for under my desk. Been eating more olives & nuts & paying closer attention to serving sizes (4 medium olives, 1/4 cup of nuts). Popcorn is really great - I like popcorn (serving size 1 1/2 cups, approx. 3 servings to a bag of microwave popcorn). Trying to drastically reduce my caloric intake & spread my caloric intake out over a day instead of eating one meal per day like I usually do. It's hard, because I'm retraining my body to be hungry more than once a day. Now, when I eat, I have to take a nap afterwards because my body says, "Ok, we can sit upright or we can digest - we cannot do both at once". I am an amazing font of self-control when it comes down to it. I can deny myself anything - sleep, food, emotional outbursts, a fulfilling marriage, a fulfilling job... and somehow I still manage to not shoot myself in the head on a daily basis.

Just Stuff

Feb. 19th, 2007 05:43 pm
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It's amazing what a difference two white, granular substances can make when added to foods and beverages - salt and sugar. Had a bowl of Rice Krispies this morning & for probably the first time in my life, didn't put any sugar on it. Blegh. Even with the sliced banana, it was bland and flavorless. Had a vague toasted flavor, but other than that I could have been eating packing material. I could taste milk & banana, but that was pretty much it. The milk didn't taste like cereal milk should taste, either - it just tasted like milk. I'm not a huge fan of milk, either, but I've been trying to introduce a little extra calcium into my diet because of the impending surgery. I admit, I have never been a milk drinker, usually the only dairy I get is in my coffee. My mom didn't force it on me as a kid, either, because if I didn't want to drink it, I'd puke on purpose. Over the past year or so I haven't even been eating that much ice cream, mainly because my ulcer's been acting up & dairy makes it worse (contrary to popular belief, dairy does that to ulcers - lactic acid).

Way back when, after my car accident when my blood pressure first shot up, on the advice of various health professionals, I eliminated salt, caffeine and fat from my diet. For two years, no salt, no fat, no caffeine. It is possible to eat that way, but who wants to? My cholesterol (both good & bad) dropped to ridiculously low levels, causing its own array of deficiency-related problems, but my blood pressure was unaffected. I was a label-reader extraordinaire, and I could spot hidden sodium a mile away... and I lost weight, mainly because food became the most boring thing on the planet. I ate a lot of plain oatmeal. Not even Quaker Instant oats, because that had sodium added. I'm talking whole rolled oats that you have to cook for an hour. Plain toast, no butter or margarine. Plain white or brown rice. I don't know how some people can do it - they claim that whole foods, free of additives, taste wonderful all on their own... but honestly they don't. Salt adds this incredible new level to any food, even sweet ones. It makes the bland savory & the sweet deeper. That's really why I decided to let them put me on the blood pressure meds - salt, especially roasted in-the-shell salted sunflower seeds.

Food has become a favorite subject of mine lately. Nothing quite like comparing cereal box nutrition information & serving size or lining up 20 different boxes of granola bars in the grocery store & trying to decide if the South Beach diet ones are really all they're advertising themselves to be (actually, compared w/all the cereal bars, glorified candy bars & etc., they're not that bad) to give one an appreciation of being able to eat anything ya want.

On another note, I finally learned what '93' is about. I don't hear it much anymore, but it used to be a common occult greeting/blessing. The whole Blessed Be and 93 thing. For years, I've asked people, "What does '93' mean?" Most people get shifty-eyed & err & umm a lot, indicating that either they don't know or they don't want to tell me, like it's a great, big 3rd degree secret or something. Kind of like asking someone what Namaste means. I get different answers from everyone who says it that I've asked... I'd harbored suspicions that Namaste was a New-Age made up word, but it's finally been confirmed by several Buddhists for me who've given me the exact same answer - unlike '93'.

For those who don't know or only suspected - '93' is the numerological equivalent to 'love', at least in that Goetic/Crowley/Golden Dawn numerological system that I've never been able to learn.

Obsession

Feb. 4th, 2007 07:56 am
perzephone: (Default)
Since I've been half-assedly attempting to diet, of course it's the only thing on my mind. Fat. Being fat. The quality of weight.

I've heard this said on talk shows, and I've heard it said behind people's backs, and I've heard it said to people's faces... "You have such a pretty face. It's a shame you're so overweight."

I've never had anyone say this to me, though.

It leads me to one conclusion, not exactly positive. I do not have a pretty face, therefore it is not such a shame that I am fat. Being considered ugly automatically makes it okay to be fat. In fact, it almost makes it seem like a necessity.

Ah well, fuck 'em all, I can still get laid.

Another thing is how I perceive my own earning potential. I always tell people if I wasn't fat I would exploit my body for cash. This is not completely true - I have exploited my fat ass for cash without thinking about how I look naked. Believe me, if there was a strip club that featured fat chicks, I'd be there, getting dollars thrown at me. If anyone knows of such a club, I could be encouraged to relocate if it's a viable investment. Honestly, I just like being naked, and people don't even have to pay me to be naked. Sometimes, people have to pay me to not be naked. Like, "If I give you $20 will you put your clothes back on? Hell, I'll give you $100 if you do it right now!" Maybe that's really my ticket to a quick million... walk around with a sign that says, "Give me money or I'll take my clothes off!" When I get drunk, my clothes can't stand to be near my body anymore & make a strong, concerted effort to flee - and no amount of money in the world can persuade them to stay on.

At work last night I told my assistant manager about my impending surgery & asked him how I go about filing for FMLA (the Family Medical Leave Act) once my vacation runs out. Right away, he blurts out, "Oh, you won't need FMLA. I'm sure we can arrange some personal leave time!" Yeah, sure, Justin. Tonight I'm going to ask Duane how to go about it since he just came back from FMLA leave. I'll be able to schedule my surgery in about 2 weeks, so on Monday I'm going to my primary care doc to have her send me for blood-typing & I'm going to put a few pints of blood on reserve.

I'm kind of worried - Rob is unreliable and I'm going to need a lot of support - literal, physical support, once I get this surgery. Not being able to use one leg for a month is a long time. Laundry, cooking, dishes, all the little things that Rob is so used to me doing, like making his morning decaf - I'm not going to be able to do much of that. I'm also going to have a hard time getting in & out of the truck. If it was my left leg, my 'inside' leg, it would be one thing to lift it into the truck, use my right 'outside' leg to support me as I hoist myself into the seat & then pull the left leg in. Kind of like mounting a horse - you throw your left leg over the horse's back & pull yourself into the saddle. But it's my right leg & I can't exactly get into the truck facing backwards. I won't be able to get on my knees at all - no tub cleaning or snake tank cleaning or anything else involving kneeling for that matter. I get frustrated easily. I had a hard time w/my left leg after the pins were put in it because I'd get irritated & use it more than I was supposed to. The scarring is really bad compared to what it should be because all my moving around made the pins shift & tear. When I call to schedule the surgery, I'm going to get a scrip for the crutches so I can start practicing. Hel, I need the exercise anyway. I also warned Rob to not come into the recovery area until I was fully conscious. The last time I underwent major surgery I came out with a bad attitude.

Does anyone else notice the overwhelming resemblance Spin City has to Benson? And does anyone else wonder what the heck ever happened to Arsenio Hall?

Body Image

Jan. 31st, 2007 08:52 am
perzephone: (Default)
I think part of my lackadaisical approach to dieting is because I honestly like my body. Yes, I'm fat - I can see what I really look like. I don't have a false body image, I don't see a skinny person looking back at me from the mirror. I see a round woman, short in torso & long in the leg (but still short overall). I have long, thick, strong thighs. I have a big, round belly. I have low, full, sloping breasts, wide hips, wide shoulders... with this overall exaggerated hourglass form. Unproportionately small hands & feet, feet with ridiculously high arches. I look in the mirror, I see me - and I like what I see. My one main complaint (ok, my two main complaints) - my skin & greying hair. My skin is really bad on my nose right now because I've either got a sinus infection or my allergies have descended with a vengeance, and my poor nose is so chapped & sore. It's this bright red beacon on my face & makes me feel very uggy. Anyway, I even like my nose - it's a nice nose, small & cute and it fits my face. I like my lips, my ears, my chin. I like my eyes - I used to hate having hazel eyes when I was a kid. I always got stuck with tortoiseshell eyeglass frames because 'they bring out your eyes'. Lemme tell ya something - the female nerd wears tortoiseshell framed glasses, the feminine version of the male black horn-rimmed glasses. But now, my hazel eyes are provocative & sexy, and I've got so much more to choose from in eyeglass frames since they came out with ultra-light, ultra-thin polymer lenses. Sometimes my eyes are dark, smoky blue, sometimes they're the amber of wild dogs... sometimes they turn green. Somewhere between the amber & the green is a color that is a clear chestnut brown with red flecks. It's great, really. So overall, I like myself on the outside. I don't know why but even with all the teasing & torment I suffered as a kid, being starved by Penny, being a social outcast because of my weight, I never got all the hangups. I never had this burning need to change how I looked. I accept my body, and I do love it. I'm good friends with my belly, my thighs, my back, my butt, my boobs. I like my skin from the neck down - it's soft and smooth and alabaster pale. Tattoos look good on it. I like to touch myself.

Generally, I'm physically healthy - the things that are wrong with me are the result of feeling immortal as a teenager... Mentally, well, I can't see my brain. I know there's something wrong with me, but physically I'm fine the way I am. It's hard to lose weight, hard to deny myself all those luscious carbohydrates that I crave. It's also hard to make the time before I go to work to eat healthy. So going on a diet so I can lose 40 lbs. to get a surgery... it just seems so... egh. All that work a diet & losing weight entails for a coupla hours on a hospital table followed by 6 weeks of exercise. It doesn't make sense, and I know that slowly, inexorably, the weight would come back. I think there's also a part of my brain, ever calculating finances, that is saying 'you can't afford the surgery'. Can't afford to miss 6 weeks of work, can't afford the copay for the surgery itself. I mean, 20% of $80,000 is still $16,000. And that's just a baseline figure, not including the physical therapy, possible hospital stay, anaesthesia... anything going wrong. But, I'll have more information tomorrow & I can end the speculation & begin the real work.

Speaking of work - I did 3 hours of OT last week & another 5 hours this week. Someone in Finance wanted a revenue source split from where it was going & placed into its own category on my daily report. From the beginning of January. Of course, she didn't tell us she wanted this done until like, the 15th when I was on vacation. And my faithless cohort didn't want to mess with the Excel, so by the time I came back on the 20th... that was 20 days worth of revisions. Plus they had changed other stuff at the beginning of January, so I had to do all that work twice. So by the time I finished, it was a total of 27 days worth of revisions. Stupid Finance cow. Monday night, we had maintenance downtime, a steady extra who never worked graveyard and a brand new guy. The girl who was supposed to be training him called in sick, so I did my audit at the desk while trying to train the new guy & the steady extra. Fuckadoodledoo. Next Tuesday, our new casino player's club is 'going live' - basically it's merging the Mandalay property card system to the MGM's card system. I get to go into work at 3 in the afternoon for an 8pm dateroll. I'll be getting off work Tuesday morning at 7am... to go back in at 3pm. More OT, but I'd rather have the sleep, thanks.

Dude, I got the paper today. I can't take much more of this crap.

Ahhhh...

Dec. 24th, 2006 08:24 am
perzephone: (jack skellington)
Let me reiterate again the pleasures of reading when it's something other than a history book. Finished Lisey's Story and am now working on the prequel to Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal Rising. Sometimes when reading about Hannibal Lecter, it's hard to believe he's not a real serial killer. Of course, most real serial killers are not so witty, charming and urbane. If I was male, I would probably be a serial killer. Or at the very least, a con. Probably not even an ex-con, but still a con. I'd be the one inside bars writing lonely-heart letters to women so they would put money on my books & send me amateur smut. 

Rob's mom is making the yearly Christmas salma (spelling questionable). It's basically meatballs made w/rice & cooked in sauerkraut. Good eatin', and relatively diet friendly. Despite my booze night of last week, I am still on my diet. It's easier on the nights when I'm working than the nights I'm at home, but I went out & bought a bunch of vegetables for me to use as snack food instead of all the carbohydrates that are always laying around. The hardest thing to avoid is soda... I've been out of bottled water for my iced tea machine, so... (I cannot stand anything w/artificial sweeteners in it). Snacking really isn't my problem though - my problem is making myself eat more than once or twice a day. Who wants to spend their entire day eating? The prep time alone is ridiculous. Fast food salads are freaking expensive, too - I got on of Jack-inna-Box's mandarin chicken salads. It was like, $8 & did not live up to its promise of Romaine lettuce & spring greens - nope, that was pure iceberg. Something about iceberg lettuce that's been sitting in a plastic container too long makes it smell like garbage. Same thing w/heated iceberg - I never get lettuce & tomatoes on my burgers because it just smells like trash. I had bought some celery, raisins, peanut butter, bananas... stuff I don't have to spend much time on. Got some ranch dip & prepared baby carrots. Been trying to eat more nuts & olives. It just seems like a high proportion of my time is spent thinking about what I'm eating & why.

Went to the ortho guy last week - he asked me if I knew I had a fracture in my left leg. I was like, "Just now?" It confused me until I realized it was from the car accident, but looking at the x-ray of the old break was gnarly. I don't remember ever seeing the break in the thin bone clearly. I could see how the thin bone had twisted & sheared through at an angle & the resulting lump of calcium that had formed around the break. Lower, the main bone in my shin just has a clean break in it with the calcium scar around it. It looks so lumpy. My bones are so thick - they look like a Neanderthal's; thick, heavy, slightly bowed and gnarled in places like oak limbs - even the ortho guy said he'd be surprised if I ended up w/osteoporosis (spelling also questionable). Some time after the holidays I'll be going for another MRI to see if the damage has progressed. The doctor said that there probably wasn't going to be any considerable changes from the last time I was there, but because my knees had given out on me from time to time, I may have basically given myself a muscle-to-brain complex. Like I've tricked myself into expecting my knees to give out, so they do. My right thigh joint has a chip in it that wasn't there before so it's causing my right knee to kind of catch.

Looking back on my year last night after hearing So This is Christmas - why, why, why? I've accomplished nothing except 9 credits. Raised my GPA by .02. Whoopee. Got a new snake tank that is still unfinished because I can't get down on my knees.
perzephone: (Default)
Hee hee - I'm at work right now. Someone left their computer logged on. We're listening to Howard Stern on satellite radio, too. I've just got to remember to clear the cache before we go home in the morning. The guy who played Star Trek's Sulu (George Takei) is on the Howard show pretty regularly now I guess. His manner of speech is so awkward & affected.

I'm soooo tired of this place. It's been a long, harrowing week. But later today I'm gonna go take my math final, and that, finally will be over. And then when I get up, I'm going to get drunk.

My diet isn't going so well. I haven't had any soda for a week or so, but last night it was Pizza Hut delivery. Rob was up literally all day. He went over to the folks' home to help them install a security door. Of course, Rob's mom is dissatisfied with it & she'll be making Anton take it down again by Friday or so. They don't understand that houses in Vegas are made of chicken wire, styrofoam & chicken wire - not 1/2" thick plywood & solid timber like they're used to in New York. Even though they've lived out here for 11 years.

He was over there til noon... and then Rob went Yule shopping. Now, I don't give Rob an allowance. I don't give him money to buy me presents. So basically, from the beginning of each year, he saves change. Whenever we pull money out of the bank, he keeps the change from buying gas, or picking food up, or wherever he can scrounge it from. He also keeps all the money his folk's give him for odd jobs, and anything he sells.

I've been telling him I don't want anything. I finally told him to get me a pony. He came home from all his chores & running around yesterday & crawled into bed with me. I was awake enough for him to tell me he went Yule/birthday/anniversary shopping (since all three fall within a month of one another). And then we proceeded to embark upon our usual yearly game of 20 Questions. I kept guessing 'Is it a pony?'. He kept saying no, but kept implying there was a limited warranty on one of the items, so I would need to open it soonest. I assumed it was because the pony was in a box & needed air. Anyway, he started getting frustrated with me, so I finally said, "An iPod, a digital camera and an electric guitar!" He got very quiet so I knew I had hit at least one out of three. Then he threw me off track by saying that he'd be surprised if I could use one of them as a dildo. So I guessed, 'An iPod, a pony & a Magic Bullet!" He replied that he'd like to get me a pony to use as a dildo, but I didn't have time to explore that avenue.

Anyway, my diligent, hard-scrounging husband went out yesterday & got me an MP3 player, a digital camera... and a Magic Bullet set. I feel like a total schmuck because I got him a video game, a miniature garden/terrarium thing w/carnivorous plants in it... and I thought we were going out to dinner for our anniversary. He does have a pretty impressive collection of swords circled in a BudK catalog... but I'm broke, hah! Ah well. The holidays never work out like you plan.
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Just for the record, I'm one math problem, one chapter test & one final away from being finished w/math for this semester. I've been a very good girl the past couple of days. I want to get all this school shit out of the way before the Winter Holiday begins on WoW ;)

Anyway, Rob's got Angel on in the background, & Angel goes to see what I can only assume is a psychologist. He asks Angel why he chooses to wear black, & Angel says since he has no reflection, it makes getting dressed easier. The shrink replies, "But you do have a reflection. It's in the eyes of everyone who knows you" (or something to that effect).

Yanno, I don't think I've ever asked anyone, "What do you see in me?" Rob asks me sometimes, and I have to think of pretty, harmless lies. I feel dishonorable every time it happens, but it's better than hurting his feelings on a daily basis. I know what I see when I look in a mirror... this morning I'm pale & drawn around the eyes. I've got those greenish shiners again. Blemishes & chapped lips standing out rosy red against pale white, black hair already showing grey at the roots, even though I just colored it last week. Too much time spent on the other side, trying to get to work on time. Las Vegas traffic is slowly killing me, or at least making me older. I don't look well or healthy to myself. I look so freaking tired, thin lipped & despondent. Everyone had a smile for me last night, though, and it was a struggle to return kindness with kindness. I wonder, why did people smile at me when I look so shitty?

I've made my commitment to at least cut back on some things. Coca-Cola was the first thing on the list. No more soda. I made ice, whipped out my iced tea machine & haven't had a Coke in three nights now. It also spells out a cut-back on caffeine, which is definitely a hardship. No more bread - it's a curse, really. All I think about is bread. And potatoes. No potatoes. The sweet potatoes I made the other night were okay - yams aren't quite as bad as white potatoes. My next step is cutting down on the sugar I put in my coffee. I'd switch to black, but the acid content rips my gut up right now & the half & half sort of mitigates that effect - and for some reason, Cafe au Lait doesn't taste right with no sugar. I've been having at least one cup of coffee with milk & sugar every day since I was three or four. I went four years without caffeine to try & lower my b.p. naturally & that was Hell. I also cut out all salt & fat for a couple of years. Walked around w/no cholesterol in my body whatsoever... the worst part about those years of self-denial & self-discipline is that it just didn't work. Still had high b.p. Still have high b.p. Now I take my meds & eats my salt & I don't worry about it. The worst that could happen is that they won't be able to use my corneas for transplants when I die.
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Oh, I said fuck it today. Either I'm going to not go to a shrink anymore, or I'm going to lie to my existing shrink... or I'm going to not lie & eat like I want to anyway... or just refrain from mentioning it.

I had pizza & a soda today, and I feel honestly full for the first time in a week. I know that in 3 hours, I will still be full... It's relieving, really. I hate being hungry. I work a 10-hr shift... last night, I ate close to 8pm, and even w/all the running to the bathroom, by 10pm I was starving to death. My stomach, aside from being in stabbing pain, was growling audibly... It's not like I can just get up & run downstairs during my shift to find something edible in the EDR every 2 - 3 hrs. I get one break, period. Yes, it's an hour & fifteen minutes, but still, 1 break. I can't just roam aimlessly around the hotel whenever I feel like it. And if I take my break when I first get to work, that means I've got another 8hrs & 45min of work... and the night can draw out like a knife. When you're hungry, it's all you can concentrate on. That stomach, crying out, feed me, feed me! Like Audrey II, 'FEED ME!!!'

Yeah, I know that me & hunger probably have all these psychological issues. I've lived on the streets for months at a time. I've had periods in my life where Ramen was too expensive... I've lived on less than $100 a month. Gave food to Jamie & Miranda & Jody & gone without. So yes, I like to eat now, and I'm probably more comfortable w/my body now, fat & all, than I was when I was ribby & starving. But the food issues & the fat issues are not what're holding me back. There's something in my brain that is dysfunctional that has nothing to do w/how much I weigh, what I eat or how I look. Some part of my brain has just stopped moving forward.

Maybe it's the Buddhism... letting go of attachments, letting go of desire, not being attached to outcomes. I have no desires... And I've come to a screeching halt.

There's been a debate going on in the depression forum I visit over the origins & definition of 'meh'. I've been really working on that not talking bit, but I had to butt in... "It's from the Simsons, people!" Not even the teenage girl who started the whole controversy knew where it came from. Geez. And I'm not even a pop-culture trivia queen, by any means.
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I didn't get around to my 10 minutes, mainly because I got up at 5:30, cooked dinner, ate dinner, cleaned up the dishes, took a shower, massaged my own feet & went to work... I got out early by virtue of Jeff & Alea being kind.

I am really not used to focusing on my body this much. Carbs, carbs, carbs... Can't eat fat because I want my cholesterol to stay tame, can't eat salt because of the blood pressure, can't eat carbs because the shrink has delusions of sugar poisoning... What's left, really? Brussel sprouts. My stomach is fucking killing me right now. It was worse earlier. It's like the ulcers are flaring back up for whatever insidious reason my ulcers choose to launch sneak attacks at me. I shit so much from about 8pm til about 12midnight that now, not only does my actual stomach hurt, but so does my asshole, my stomach muscles, my sides & my lower back. Some Mexican woman sat next to me in a stall in the Excal's restroom earlier as I was having another bout & she exclaimed, "OH Dios Mios!!!" & left the stall. It never ceases to amaze me that someone can walk into a restroom where almost every stall is empty & sit next to me... and I always choose the stall furthest or closest to the end of a row. I don't sit right in the middle stall where someone may not have a choice but to have to take the stall next to me... Kind of like being in a doctor's waiting room full of empty chairs, & the person with oozing pustulant sores & a bad cough sits right next to me... Why do humans have such a herd instinct?

My knees hurt, too. Stomach, abs, sides, back, knees. And I've got a sensitive filling. And a broken wisdom tooth w/a sore gum because stuff keeps getting trapped between the top of the broken out hole & the gum underneath it, putting undue pressure on the gum & the tooth next to it. It's mainly the little broccoli buds that are giving me the most grief.

At least I've been sleeping ok, even after cutting back to 10mg of Elavil. The dreams aren't as vivid or memorable as they were on 25mg. :( I do know that I'm dreaming, but I can't remember much of anything about them... Just that I'm dreaming.
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I prayed this morning. Prayed for rain. This could get ugly.

I told the Great Mystery straight up that the reason I no longer pray, I no longer ask, is that I'm tired of being betrayed, tired of my Coyote medicine getting involved with everything I try to do. But I gave it a shot - lit some cedar & sweet grass, picked up the rain stick & prayed.

I am constantly confounded by people who choose to live in Florida. Especially people whose houses were destroyed by a hurricane, who then rebuild their house in the same area, and have it destroyed by yet another hurricane. Or people in California who choose to live on cliffsides near the shore... They know their house is going to slide down the hill eventually. Their house slides down the hill... totally destroyed, all their stuff gone. So what do they do? They rebuild. On the same exact hillside, of course. Which is consumed by wildfires later that year, and then it falls back down the hill... There is a difference between persistence & insanity. Persistence means being able to bounce back from a disaster, not letting it destroy your spirit & willpower. Insanity is doing the same thing over & over again while expecting different results.

Finding low-carbohydrate foods is becoming nearly impossible. I am so tired of meat & broccoli it's not even funny. I hate lettuce. To me, lettuce is a useless plant. I'm sure it serves some purpose in the grander universe, but it just starts to smell like rotting garbage after the 9th or 10th salad in a week. I had broccoli for breakfast.

I'm also sick & tired of MCI calling the house. I finally managed to answer the phone & told the agent to take me off of the calling list. It takes 10 business days, tho, so "I may receive more phone calls during this time". Bastards.
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Rob got stuck w/his mom & dad at the car shop today, & they started grilling him about going out to eat, either at the Goulash Pot or this new Polish Buffet. Well, I've been on this low-to-no carb diet under the shrink's advisement that it will somehow provide a miraculous cure for my depression, because as you all know, we as a society are so addicted to white processed sugar and flour that we can't see past our own dietary habits to a new enlightened future... Anyway, obviously I am horribly resentful but still willing to deny myself the funnel cake that IHOP is now selling. Bastards - they would pick NOW to hock funnel cakes. I love funnel cakes. They are one thing that makes me happy (now I have 4)...

So anyway, Rob is hesitant to tell his parents that I am going to a shrink, even tho I don't really care... and he's trying to come up w/all these excuses as to why we won't be able to go out to dinner w/them for about 2 wks... He ended up telling his mom that I was on some kind of carbohydrate diet, so she jumped all over that - what diet is it, why am I on it, who recommended it, etc. & so forth. Now if she asks me, I'll tell her straight up "My shrink wants me to try it to see if I feel better". Rob totally missed the most obvious lie: "Her doctor wants her to try it because she's fat". When I told him he could have said that to his mom, he just stood here w/this dumb-founded look on his face - it never occured to him.

The thing about this whole no-carb thing that is getting to me is that all of a sudden, what I eat has become this huge, all-encompassing, focus in my world, when before what I ate was the least of my concerns. I fed myself when I was hungry. Now that I have no empty calories, I am hungry every 3 hours. It's like I'm constantly eating Chinese food or something. All I can think about is ice cream, funnel cakes, cookies, cereal, cake, pie - breakfast around here has been shot to Hel for me... no doughnuts, no waffles, no pancakes (and I had just bought this big-ass jar of apple sauce to go on said pancakes, too). Baked potato w/a crispy skin, sour cream, butter & green onions, all salty & fluffy... onion rings at the EDR, which is about the only thing those people know how to cook right...

It's driving me up a wall, I still feel like shit, Rob made me cry at dinner last night because he's been hammering away about moving & money for weeks & even though I told him twice to drop the conversation, he kept going... I called Jody to ask if anyone up at the ranch happened to be unloading any p/up trucks or campers & she started giving me the 3rd degree about moving to Washington (Oh, Seattle's all slums right now, do you have a job lined up, what about housing, what happens if you move up there, really like it and have to come back, what if it's Oregon & Louisiana all over again...) All I called about was trucks. Why the Hel does Jody give a shit anyway?
_________________________________________________________

Capricorn Horoscope for week of July 7, 2005

Sometimes we have a strong sense of what our destiny is calling us to do, but we don't feel quite ready or brave enough to answer the call. We need a push, an intervention, a serendipitous stroke--what I call fate bait. It's a person or event that awakens our dormant willpower and draws us inexorably towards our fate; it's a thunderbolt or siren song or stage whisper that gives us a good excuse to go do what we know we should do. I suspect that you, Capricorn, are about to meet your fate bait.

*
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT (I left this in because it smacks of truth and beauty)
"I’ve been practicing radical authenticity lately," my friend Brandon told me. "I’m revealing the blunt truth about unmentionable subjects to everyone I know. It’s been pretty hellish—no one likes having the social masks stripped away—but it’s been ultimately rewarding."

"I admire your boldness in naming the currents flowing beneath the surface," I replied, "but I’m curious as to why you imply they’re all negative. To practice radical authenticity, shouldn’t you also express the raw truth about what’s right, good, and beautiful? Shouldn’t you unleash the praise and gratitude that normally go unspoken?"

Brandon sneered. He thought my version of radical authenticity was wimpy. I hope you don’t. As a budding lover of life, you have a mandate to be honest in both ways.
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At least I have more to say lately... don't think I'll really need the timer.

Today we talked about not much of anything, really. Trying to find times when I had deep emotions, be they good or bad. I'm supposed to come up w/a list of 5 Things That Might Make Me Happy &/or 5 Things That Might Make Me Angry. Anger is easy, and I can still feel anger. It's a true emotion, one that runs deeper than just the surface.

She brought up a worry I actually have - that maybe this is the real me. Ugh. How horrible, to just always be stuck this way. Never changing, never moving forward, limited, uncreative, unspirited, dead, n'zambi... ugh again.

I've come up w/3 things off the top of my head that would, never mind might make me happy...

1) To get more tattoo work done
2) To live someplace the m.i.l. doesn't own
3) A week at the beach.

Funny, but out of the three, the only one that actually seems plausible is living somewhere the m.i.l. doesn't own. I never seem to have enough extra for ink, and I've been trying fruitlessly to get Rob to take me to the beach for something like 8 years... I've pretty much given up on that one. And don't nobody say nothing 'bout me going alone.

Things to make me angry.. heh, everything. It all pisses me off anymore.
Five from the top:

1) If anyone makes any comments here about 'well, why don't you go to the beach by yourself'. If you know me, you'll know why it'll piss me off. If you don't know me, don't risk it. It's not worth it.

2) If the Excalibur continues stringing us night auditors along much longer. Not only does it piss me off, but it's stressful and mean. I'm going to have a nervous breakdown soon. But when I do, rest assured I will be at work - and I will take others with me.

3) I'm already angry at the in-laws because, just when we got rid of Alex & his car, he's coming back because no one will pay his storage bill. Motherfucker. One word: ENABLER.

4) If all the radio stations suddenly switched to an all-talk format, kind of like what happens on Sunday mornings.

5) If Bush manages to push through a federal anti-abortion law in the next coupla years. That will seriously piss me off. Bush, stay out of mine!

So I've got a week to come up w/2 more things that might make me happy...

I may have to give up on this whole grapefruit diet thing... it's killing my stomach. I may just eliminate the grapefruit & keep eating the meat & green veggies. I found something kind of amusing on the fda website - it actually calculates your caloric intake vs. your daily activities. It's kind of a pain in the ass to find all the foods you've eaten throughout the day & what all you've done during the day, and sex isn't listed anywhere on it that I could find. But it breaks down the nutritional value of what you've eaten & it's kind of interesting to compare what you've stuffed in your head with the 'Recommended Daily Allowances.

FDA Food & Activity Tracker
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Going back to the shrink in the morning. I can't believe it's already been a week or so since the last visit.

I started the grapefruit diet today. Mainly to see if I could do it. I did it once as a teenager, living w/my aunt Liz, and it actually does work. I omit the eggs, tho, because most of the time, to me, eggs are disgusting. Went out, bought a bunch of fresh vegetables... Rob was looking at me in the grocery store like I was nuts. But he enjoyed the salad for lunch.

90% of the time, I just don't care about anything anymore. I'm on auto-pilot. Watched The Boston Pops' fireworks display. It was pretty awe inspiring. Rob & I thought it was Disney's for about a half hour, til they actually did the program ID before the commercial break.

I think it's kind of funny - I'm actually fulfilling two of my New Year's resolutions... I'm learning how to download movies from the VCR onto my computer & burning them onto DVD. And I've been listening a lot more than talking. I've been finding that I don't have to talk because people talk to me, whether I want them to or not. I've also found that I just don't have much to say about anything. I've joined a couple of online depression support groups, and it's been fruitless, mainly because I have nothing supportive or helpful to tell anyone else - I can commiserate, but that's fruitless for someone who needs an uplifting word or two... and I don't feel the need to get a bunch of emoticoned hugs & smilies thrown my way. This last week at work, people were even saying, "You've been very quiet lately. What's going on?" They look at me funny when I tell them I'm actively fulfilling a New Year's resolution by listening more than speaking. Then I get the, "But you always say things worth listening to - why hide in silence?" kind of responses. I'm not hiding - I do vent, here, anyway... and I have so much dirt on my coworkers... they talk & talk & talk & talk. I don't have to fill up the quiet room because someone's always there to do it for me. Rob's driving me nuts, tho - the less I talk, the more he does.

So many times, things are truly better left unsaid.

Yoinked this from a blog I saw...

100 Things You Probably Already Know About Me.

1) I am the youngest of my mom’s kids, and possibly my dad’s only kid… possibly.
2) I was born in Fontana, CA
3) My dad was a trucker & my mom was a cocktail waitress here in Vegas when they met.
4) Places where I have lived include California, Washington, Tennessee, Nevada, Oregon & Louisiana
5) I attended 5 different elementary schools.
6) I attended 6th, 7th & 8th grade at three different schools.
7) I attended (well, sort of) 4 different high schools.
8) I got my G.E.D. here in Vegas… there was a Buddhist monk from Tibet & a Hare Krishna taking the exam at the same time.
9) I really suck at math. Add, subtract, multiply, divide – that’s it.
10) I almost got a full boat scholarship to Krelsheim College of the Performing Arts (for Music) in Seattle – but I moved.
10) In high school bands, I played percussion, the sax, the clarinet, the flute & the trumpet… and I played guitar for shits ‘n giggles.
11) I met my husband at the hotel where I now work in 1993.
12) I am child-free by choice.
13) I am twice-wed – once spiritually, once legally.
14) The most common phrase heard at my handfasting ceremony was ‘over, under’…
15) My husband has a Bachelor’s Degree in Criminal Justice… and is a security guard (when he works at all).
16) I’m a high school drop-out who sucks at math … and I work as a night auditor.
17) We have two ball pythons as pets.
18) I am a dog person.
19) I can read music, and play music, but I can’t compose.
20) Snails ate all my plants this past year.
21) I am currently experimenting with the ‘Grapefruit Diet’
22) I am already bored with grapefruit.
23) I collect Tarot card decks.
24) My five (o.k., six) favorite authors: Stephen King, Clive Barker, Richard Adams, Poppy Z. Brite, Wade Davis & Dale Pendell
25) My mom’s family is French Canadien (although now they are just Tennessee hillbilly ridge-runners)
26) My dad lied a lot – but he claimed his family was ‘Prussian German’ under service to Kaiser Wilhelm, which is why they had to come to the U.S. (The Kaiser was losing).
27) When compared to other French Canadiens I know, I look a lot more French Canadien than I realized.
28) All my aunts look like my mom.
29) I got my mom’s height & my dad’s build.
30) My eyes are hazel – my mom’s were deep brown, my dad’s were slate blue.
31) I don’t resemble either half-sister.
32) My dad spent most of his youth in the bayous of Louisiana & grew up Cajun.
33) My mom handed me ‘Watership Down’ to read when I was 7… when I finished that, I got ‘Cujo’. Thanks, mom.
34) My parents were never married.
35) I was never baptized…
36) I’m not a virgin, which means I am no longer eligible for sacrifice. Hah!
37) My mom died in 1984 of complications from chemotherapy.
38) My dad died in 1993 from heart disease and generally poor living conditions.
39) The last time I saw my father was in 1990 – I was 16 & getting on a train bound for Los Angeles, CA.
40) I enjoyed my train ride to L.A. immensely, and I’d love to be able to take a long train ride again sometime.
41) I flew a lot as a teenager – California to Tennessee, Tennessee to California, California to Nevada, Nevada to California…
42) When I was 10, I got to fly from California to Washington D.C. on a gifted-class trip.
43) We had a 10-hour layover at the O’Hare airport in Chicago during that trip. I never want to see O’Hare airport again.
44) I have nothing left from my childhood – no photos, no toys, no baby shoes, no kindergarten plaster handprint.
45) I am most definitely not a packrat & I keep very few material possessions for ‘sentimental’ value.
46) My husband’s packrattery drives me up a fucking wall.
47) I don’t like having my picture taken.
48) I still have one of them.
49) I’ve taken two high school Spanish courses and have Spanish-speaking co-workers, but I only know dirty words in Spanish.
50) In first grade, they put me in an English-as-Second-Language class because I spoke more Spanish than English at the time.
51) I used to be ambidextrous until a second-grade teacher made me sit on my left hand because ‘it belonged to the Devil’.
52) My left hand is incredibly stupid, even when it comes to typing.
53) I can type an average of 55wpm
54) I can use a 10-key by touch, but I still look at the read-out because I hate to make mistakes.
55) I am a meat eater, and proud of it (but not as proud as Ted Nugent).
56) I like foods I can eat with my fingers, or pick apart, like sunflower seeds & crab legs.
57) I really hate militant vegetarians…
58) I also really hate militant animal rights activists.
59) I hate militant people, period. Support what you want to support, but stop foaming at the mouth about it, already!
60) I love sushi & sashimi, but I don’t know which is which.
61) My five favorite musical artists (right now, anyway): The Afro Celt Sound System, Led Zeppelin, Train, the Dave Matthews Band & U2
62) I don’t have a musical genre that I prefer over another, but I hate polka.
63) I love language.
64) I still watch Sesame Street on occasion, & sing along w/the Ladybug Picnic song.
65) I took almost a semester of Japanese, & realized I have crappy penmanship in Japanese.
66) I’ve withdrawn from college three times.
67) In 10 years, I’ve worked at 20 different employers.
68) I’ve got four years experience in billing for phone sex.
69) I’ve worked for the Dept. of Family Svcs. twice.
70) I’ve always quit, I’ve never been fired.
71) I worked for 3 days at a Macadamia Nut Processing Plant just to be able to say I got paid to play with nuts all day.
72) I know many Latin names of plants.
73) I am not a perky person.
74) I wanted to be a paleontologist when I was five.
75) I want to grow up to be a mortician.
76) I moved to Louisiana for the sole purpose of going to school for a Mortuary Science degree.
77) I am currently going to a psychologist because I have the feeling that I am already dead.
78) I don’t like kids, especially large groups of them.
79) I am afraid of mentally & developmentally disabled people.
80) I cannot give directions to hearing-impaired people. I have to face the area that I’m giving directions to, and then the deaf person can’t see my lips to read them… it can be socially awkward.
81) I have a hard time telling my left from my right.
82) I still watch cartoons.
83) I still like to color.
84) I feel sorry for Michael Jackson – but I still hate his music.
85) I like Rob Zombie’s music – but I’m not going to see another one of his movies.
86) I need to redirect myself from mortuary science to … something more attainable.
87) I really enjoy Magic Mountain in California.
88) Drinking tequila & playing ‘Need for Speed’ on the PS2 makes me feel like I’m momentarily weightless or pulling G’s.
89) I like fast cars with big engines.
90) I don’t drive because my lack of depth perception makes me worry about hitting people.
91) I like to mosh.
92) I enjoy physical pain, as long as it’s not a chronic, aching kind of pain. More like sharp blows to the body or being bitten fiercely.
93) When Andy bit my thigh accidentally, I almost had an orgasm.
94) I honestly like Brussels sprouts.
95) My allergy shots actually have been helping – I’ve only had to take 3 Benadryl over the past 6 months, and once was just for entertainment purposes while I was at work.
96) I like my brewed iced tea unsweetened.
97) I prefer masturbation to sex with another person.
98) I am terrified that trans-dimensional beings or aliens may actually exist.
99) I enjoy crossword puzzles, but can’t solve logic problems.
100) I have always been more self-conscious about my skin than my weight.
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Ok, first off, all the first impressions were pretty much correct - Tammi is blonde & chipper, w/her hyphenated last name & all.

She put me off at first - starts talking about the correlation between diet & moods, and I am the anti-dieter... she told me to start watching my sugar & caffeine intake at work, which I already have been, but then she started in on carbohydrates & exercise. "Just 10 minutes of exercise a day can improve your emotional state!" Even the skinny woman inside me that I ate for breakfast started growling at that one. I felt like, "Just because a fat woman walks into your office & tells you she's feeling blue doesn't mean she sits around on the couch eating bon-bons all day." I eat fairly balanced, I just don't move unless I'm walking paperwork back & forth through the hotel.

Anyway, she probably sensed the evil eye being thrown her way, because she moved on. She asked me about my goals & I told her I'd like to be more motivated, I'd like to be able to do more than just get up & go to work, I'd like to be able to pick up a pen or a brush & do something creative again, I'd like to be able to pick up the flute or guitar or saxophone & play again... Like to be able to get over my generalized hatred of higher education & make some small step towards becoming a mortician. Something, anything... I'd like to have some depth of emotion again, like to be able to walk through a crowd or have people sit next to me without wanting to coil & hissss. She said my goals were realistic and should be easy to reach.

We talked about journaling. I'm supposed to set my mood up on a scale of 0 - 20, 0 being n'zambi & 20 being about to die of happy hysteria or something. I don't even have a ground state, though - is neutral a 10? How neutral do I have to be to hit 10? I'm also supposed to write for 10 minutes a day in a free-thought sort of way, like this. I think that's going to be the hardest part, other than keeping track of what I eat/drink when I eat/drink. Today I'm down to only having to write 3 more minutes, but there are so many days that go by when I can't write anything. I guess I'll start having to write essays on book chapters or something... science reports, quips about the news. She also told me to put in three 'quickies':
1) I think:
2) I feel:
3) I need:

At least, I think that's what she said.
Times up.

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