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Yeah, I'm still pretty messed up.

My sister texted me that she loved me & my husband. I texted her back to ask her if she'd been taken hostage. I honestly thought she found out she was terminal or maybe had decided to commit suicide.

So I laid in bed for a few minutes wondering what I'd do if she was actually dying and my Zoloft high kicked in & was like, 'Wheeee, let's put the fun back in funeral!!!'

I suppose there are some drawbacks to chemically induced happiness.

Fambly

Jan. 25th, 2010 09:36 pm
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I don't talk about my nieces & nephew much, but I keep up/w 'em on farcebook.

This is my nephew, my sister Terry's, uh, kid. He's 30 now, maybe 31. He was almost 6' tall when he was 12. We used to wrestle when he was that age - I was 15 or 16. He could pin me, but I could dance circles around him & smack him in the head a lot before he could catch me. He stopped wrestling w/girls after he & his sister were playing one time & he broke both her wrists - he went to body slam her & she put her arms out w/her palms up and he broke both her wrists when he landed on her. Not on purpose, but just because he was so freaking huge & she was not. His father was half black, half Hawaiian. Tina & Dain both got beautiful skin & their eyes from their dad - he was a lot darker than they are, though.

Dain used to be a good looking kid. Now he's kind of got that lost man-boy look.

Yes, he is a prison. )

I don't think the Lexapro is having much effect on me, but I took 20mg last night just to see if I noticed a difference. I've been so fucking sleepy all day, all I can think about is my bed and how much I didn't want to get out of it this morning. Groggy, groggy day. Spent it thinking about Egyptian cotton sheets with a high thread-count. Soft pillows, cool pillow case against my cheek. Cool sheets at the foot of the bed, warm dog against the back of my calves. Mmmm.
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Tom did more for Jody after his death than he ever could for her during his life. His life insurance and Culinary Union survivor benefits kicked in. Jody bought herself a house - granted, it's a double-wide trailer with 2 bedrooms & 2 bathrooms, but it's still 100% hers - no mortgage, no lease-to-own, no roommates. Her lot rent will also be affordable on Tom's pension. She moved in over the past weekend. I am so happy for her :D She finally got a break. Makes me feel good about the Universe, yanno?

Pre-Surgery Jitters )
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Let's see...

Alcoholism
Abuse
Addiction
Racism
Passive-aggressiveness
Poor impulse control
Anger management issues
Heart disease
Cancer
Gynecological issues
Mental illness


People wonder why I'm adamantly childfree-by-choice. Huh.
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Got an e-mail from my sister Terry. She & I don't talk much. Like, years elapse between conversations. Jody's living w/her, but that's kind of beside the point. Anyway, she wants us to be more 'sisterly' and talk more often, that kind of thing.

I don't like Terry. I don't feel like I fit in with her extended family anymore. I just don't want to deal with this right now. :P

/headdesk /headdesk /headdesk
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We went to Tania's tree-trimming party Saturday night. She put on a nice spread with ham & shrimp, macaroni salad, Swedish meatballs, a cheese & spread tray, apple cobbler & fruit cocktail. She took a lot of time and effort to make a nice get-together for her family. We all had little gift bags full of ornaments to hang on the tree & it was just cozy & nice.

It would have been a fantastic evening, honestly, if it weren't for the fact that Rob's family is kind of like one of V. C. Andrews' families. This is where a monarchy can go seriously awry.

I can't really explain Rob's mom. I see her from a one-sided perspective, and it's not positive in the least bit. I honestly believe that she's got something wrong with her, her brain is broken. Maybe she's got narcisstic personality disorder or something. She's a control freak, she's vindictive and manipulative, she's mean and she refuses to accept that she may be wrong at times. Tania, her daughter, is 8 years older than Rob, so she was able to at least get out of the house a little bit sooner than Rob. Their mother apparently had a psychotic episode when Tania got knocked up before she was married. Tania didn't care about the father but was forced into marrying him rather than just be thrown out of the house, pregnant & with no money, by her mom. Not so psycho, my mother did it to my middle sister... but their mom never let Tania live it down. It's still a big sore spot, how much shame she brought on their family, how her father's relatives shunned them because Tania has an illegitimate child, how it made their family a laughing-stock, they had to move because of Tania's indiscretion, you name it. (My mother was pissed because Terry fucked a black man & refused to have anything to do w/Terry after that, but it was personal, between them. My mother never stopped Jody from spending time w/Terry, never denied her the rest of the family - Jody could take me to see Terry... My dad was cut off from his first half-grandson & grand-daughter because of it, and I think that's the only real fight they ever had - my mother even admitted to being a bitch about it but she refused to bend). So Tania ended up marrying the father of her baby, & Frank was abusive to her, was growing pot in their basement, never worked but spent a lot of Tania's money on the QVC channel & gambling w/his buddies, that kind of thing. When Tania got the balls to get a divorce, it became another disgrace upon their family because most of the relatives are Catholic.

Rob's dad mostly stayed out of the family affairs. He drove a 4-hour commute to work each day, left about 4am & came home around 7pm, ate dinner & went to bed. He was a weekend & holiday dad. Rob's family was also physically isolated - they lived out in the country where you had to drive an hour & a half to go grocery shopping. Rob's parents didn't have a social life... it was just Margaret at home with the dog & the two kids, & after Tania left, it was Margaret at home w/Rob. Margaret's always been a clean freak w/carpets you can't walk on & furniture you can't sit on (the mother in Drop Dead Fred reminded me a lot of Margaret - that white carpet no one was allowed to walk across, yeesh). Rob was always a small kid - he looked like McCaulay Culkin & Joey Lawrence smacked together (bright red lips, Joey Lawrence haircut) and he was hyper-sensitive (well, he still is sensitive). His mother had nothing better to do all day than mentally & emotionally torture this poor kid. Filled him w/all kinds of fears & paranoias & health scares, kept him in this antiseptic environment, completely cut off from other kids his own age & when he did finally get to go to school, he was bullied constantly & unmercifully. When Rob's dad was home, if 'the guys' wanted to go & do something but Margaret didn't, she would spend the entire time berating Tony (Rob's dad), teasing Rob for going along w/his dad & making everyone miserable. If they went to a restaurant she didn't like, the food would make her sick, which would make Rob sick, & Tony would have to take everyone home. If Rob sided w/his dad on anything, Margaret would literally plot revenge on her own kid, to the point of devising ways to hurt him physically without actually beating him, like loosening the screws on his bicycle seat. But, when Rob got into drugs & petty larceny, it was his dad who slammed him up against a wall & threatened his life.

Margaret constantly reminds Tania & Rob how she can't brag about her children to the rest of her family, of how they both are screw-ups and have disgraced the family name... How she can't believe they would be so stupid when she's gone her entire life without making a mistake, that kind of thing. She calls her own kids stupid. She also doesn't hold her tongue when it comes to other people. Because of the snakes, I stink. She won't stand next to me when we're out with them, she sniffles & holds her breath when she walks by me & has told me to my face that I reek. She doesn't care what we do w/the house anymore because the whole place stinks like me & my snakes. I'm like, whatever, lady.

Margaret is also a racist, and I know I've complained about that before. James, Tania's husband, is black. I tried to warn him before he & Tania got married, but apparently he did not believe me. She stood in our living room one time & complained bitterly about James for about 4 hours because black men want nothing more than to steal blonde-haired white women & use them and turn them against their families because black men want revenge on the white race - and with Tania being blonde, this was all James wanted. James is a huge dude, but he's also sweet and kind of naive. He was adopted, and his adoptive family is huge and welcomes everyone with open arms - no one is a stranger & it doesn't matter if you're black, white, Middle Eastern, Mexican, Communist Chinese, etc. He played the keyboards for his church back in whichever Carolina they came from (wherever Wilmington is), and he just has this easy-going & open nature. I wanted badly to ask him if he'd ever encountered racism back East, because he seems kind of stymied when he's around Margaret. Saturday night, he sat in the living room alone to eat while we all milled around in the kitchen. He kept pulling Tania aside to complain about how her mother treated him like he was invisible. Margaret's also making him pay rent, but not Tania, & she's made it clear that he is the one paying, not them as a couple. He's uncomfortable because he & Tania have been together almost 10 years, but Margaret considers him to be Tania's housekeeper or something, or like he's there for protection since Tania's a single woman living alone, kind of like a big dog. He also doesn't understand why all the secrecy and intrigue is necessary or why he should feel as if he's ashamed because he loves Tania & wants to be with her. Margaret does not know that James & Tania are married.

Rob's mom, for those of you who may not know, controls all of the family's finances. She had her elderly relatives all place their estates into her name & as each one died off, that money just fell into her hands. She's got one remaining brother who still lives in New York & she's slowly taking over all of his finances & property. Rob's dad was one of the founding members of New York City's Operating Engineers union and he's got a pretty decent pension. They've always owned their own homes and they (well, really, the mother-in-law owns) own the house Rob & I live in & the mother-in-law just bought a house for her daughter & a separate house for her grandson (which is actually supposed to be for the grandson & her last remaining brother - who is smart & is staying in New York). One of the first things Rob's mom always does when someone pisses her off is threaten to yank away all financial support. Now, since we all live in homes that she owns, that means losing the roofs over our heads. It's quite a pickle. Rob tried to explain that to James the other night, after the in-laws had left, but I can tell James isn't going to be content to just eat it & smile. I'm always, much like Margaret, thinking about the bottom line. I've done some less-than-savory things for money over the course of my lifetime, and I'll probably continue to do so because well, keeping the lights on is more important to me than being a free person living in a cardboard box.
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Welcome to the Christmas edition of getting to know your friends. Okay, here's what you're supposed to do, and try not to be a SCROOGE!!! Just copy (not forward) this entire email and paste into a new e-mail that you can send. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person that sent it to you......Tis the Season.

HO HO HO!!!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Depends on how awkwardly the gift is shaped

2. Real tree or Artificial? Fiber optic tree

3. When do you put up the tree? After Thanksgiving

4. When do you take the tree down? January 2nd

5. Do you like eggnog? Sometimes

6 . Favorite gift received as a child? A 3’ tall Godzilla that walked & roared

7. Hardest person to buy for? The in-laws

8. What is your favorite Christmas Album? The Lost Christmas Eve – Trans-Siberian Orchestra

9. Do you have a nativity scene? The Goddess births the Sun every year around this time… all I have to do is look up at the sky during the daytime & voila, there’s the nativity scene. Dies Natalis Solis Invictus!!! (Sun God, Sun God, He’s a real fun God, Sun God, Sun God, Ra Ra Ra!)

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Snail mail

11.Worst Christmas gift you ever received? These gods-awful socks… they were red & green & had separate toes & each toe had a Christmas ornament on it…

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? A Christmas Story & A Nightmare Before Christmas

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? June or July

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Who, me, regift people? Never!

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Mincemeat Pie

16. Lights on the tree? The whole tree is fiber optic

17. Favorite Christmas song? Carol of the Bells as done by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Home

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? Yes

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Neither, no tree-toppers… my fiber optic tree is truly diminutive & the crown would bend or the whole thing would fall over

21. Open the presents Christmas eve or Christmas day? Christmas Eve

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? The Christmas music & displays that started getting old by Thanksgiving since they’d already been up before Hallowe’en

23. Favorite ornament theme or color? Purple, green & gold… that’s right… all my Yules look like Mardi Gras

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Heh, sushi. Or grilled mahi mahi.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? An external 250G hard-drive

26. Who is most likely to respond to this? Dunno

27. Who is least likely to respond to this? Everyone else

I am so stuffed right now. We had our holiday party at the Main Street Station's buffet. I tried manapua which was not too bad. Everything was fresh & had good flavor - I've got to see if I can talk the old folks into trying it out sometime.

Tomorrow we have to go to Tania's house for a 'tree-trimming' party tomorrow. I'm hoping it's short. I got a bottle of wine from our party gift exchange extraveganza so I at least have something I can bring along. I wouldn't really care about it because we're always stuck spending a day w/the relatives, but if it's as cold as it has been, I'm going to have to leave Chelsie locked up in the bathroom & I'm not looking forward to that mess.

Bad News

Dec. 2nd, 2008 06:54 pm
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Well, Miranda found her dad this morning - he passed away some time last night.

They'll be having a small memorial ceremony at some point in the next week or so, and I guess I should go.

I hate these events.
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Last night I was making another attempt at opening the lines of communication between myself & the Great Beyond. I lay there in the dark with my eyes closed, watching patterns of dots and lines and chevrons in the photo-negative colors behind my eyelids.

The dots coalesced into a full-blown image of a woman in a wheelchair, sitting slumped at her desk, writing or drawing. I'm pretty sure she was drawing or sketching. It was almost someone I recognized, but when I mentally said, "Whoa! Who is that?" the dots began to reform into faces and animal masks. A couple of the faces are familiar & keep reappearing, but the masks vary. Sometimes its Salish masks, other times they're African and sometimes they're very primitive and rough, made of tanned hide and teeth and tusks and antlers.

I think I may have solved the problem of the attacking buzzards. I have a ceiling lamp in my room. The blades are big & made to look like bamboo (they're really just textured plastic, but it matches my current decor, so I dun care) & I've been waking up in the middle of the night looking up at it. With the shadows it casts from the Amityville window, it looks like a huge circling bird. No matter how many times I wake up in the night, it startles me every fucking time. I figured out this little puzzle a couple of nights ago & I haven't been attacked by buzzards in my sleep since.

Today we're going to the buffet for my father-in-law's birthday. Tania is bringing James along... Tania originally wanted to have a big full-blown birthday party at her new apartment, but of course the mother-in-law put the kibosh on that little idea. I'm kind of glad, because it would have set a precedent for every other birthday. Tania loves parties, she's very social and outgoing, which is okay but I feel bad because she's going to find out the hard way just how anti-social the rest of her family is, including myself.

I got a weird fortune cookie a few weeks ago - I just now found it in my pants pocket.
"German proverb: No trees ever reach the sky." On the back it tells me how to say 'lettuce' in Chinese. So I got a wrong German proverb on a faked Chinese tradition that was probably made in some Korean factory.

Dreams

Jul. 7th, 2008 12:42 pm
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I think writing about the Glendora Library was like poking my brain with a Q-Tip... This morning I dreamed I was shelving books in a library, but the books had no titles on the spines. Even though they had stickers where the catalogue info would be, the labels were blank. I somehow knew I was shelving them in the correct places. They were all leather-bound heavy books, too, with parchment-like paper and gold ribbons to mark the pages, and those little gilded bands on the spines.

Rob's sister & her husband are living here, now. We haven't seen them or talked to them since they came in on Friday. Rob's mom's been trying to get us all together for lunch one weekend, but we're going live here sometime in the next two weeks so my weekends are up in the air. It's fine by me - I don't relish the thought of going to lunch w/my prejudiced in-laws & their black son-in-law that they don't know is their son-in-law.

Jody called me Saturday - she's moving in w/Terry. I was going to give her a drum & a New-Agey book on shamanic drumming for her birthday, but I'm probably going to have to rethink that. I don't know all the details - she just left me a voice-mail. I never hear my phone ring. She's leaving Andy & her cat behind, I don't know if she moved out on Brad or if Brad's going w/her to Terry's (from the sound of it I don't think that's the case - Brad might be going his own way). I don't know how Jody is going to cope w/living w/Terry - Terry's always been less-than-understanding when it comes to Paganism of any color. Terry does have the horses, though, so Jody may be able to get out more & help Terry work with them. I do have a deep-seated longing to be around horses, but it's not bad enough to want to put up w/Terry. That and I'm pushing 240lbs right now which is unfair to impose on a horse. I do need to knock a few pounds back off. I ordered one of those Gazelle thingies - it's a little less obscene than Rob's LegMagic.

Gods, teh internets here is running so sllooooowwww today!
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I ordered some seeds from Bouncing Bear. More datura, some Hawaiian baby woodrose... and some Mandragora officinarum, aka Mandrake. Now, I have no idea what mandrake seeds look like - the ones I received were remarkably similar to other nightshade family plants (tomatos, peppers, datura). So I nicked the seeds and soaked them overnight and popped them into dirt this morning. I'll just have to wait & see if anything grows.

I ate one of the woodrose seeds - ewuck. Bitter, dirt-flavored thing. That's my version of gardening, though - partially trying to grow things, partially a taste-test. I didn't eat any of the mandrake seeds because there weren't very many. I've got to pick up some more potting soil this evening.

Rob may end up flying out to NC to help Tania & James drive their truck here, hauling a trailer full of their stuff. He's trying to get his folks to pay him for it. When I called him on my lunch break, he asked me how long it takes me to make $2k... I instantly replied to him, "Why? What did you do to the truck?!" Turns out he wasn't telling me we needed $2k immediately, but that was how much he was trying to get from his parents. I really hope he goes out there - I'd love a Rob vacation.

I've got to try to get out of the house this weekend - maybe go up to Mt. Charleston or just have Rob drive out into the desert or something. Maybe I'll see how far out the hot springs are.
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Rob's sister managed to get a job offer out here, so she's trying to plan her move. She seems insistent on bringing a cat and a dog w/her. We'll probably end up babysitting the dog, but Rob's allergic to cats, so that's a no-go. Tania wants to get on a plane w/the animals w/her as carry-on. She's done no planning whatsoever, and just assumed she would have to pay extra or that they'd be counted as luggage or something.

Airlines require a recent (within 30 days) certificate of health and shot records for all pets, regardless of whether they are cargo or carry-on. Most airlines right now only allow one carry-on item. The USDA specifies that any animal carrier be large enough for the animal in question to be able to stand, turn around in and lay down in comfortably. Right now, SW Airlines does not allow pets, period, as carry-on or in cargo. I know she's got a small dog, but a lot of airlines won't fly short-nosed (pug-nosed) dogs from June 1 to Sept 1 as either carry-on or cargo because of the temperature. Delta will allow 1 carry-on pet (w/no extra carry-on luggage) but the carrier has to be small enough to slide under the seat in front of the passenger. I'm thinking, chihuahua in a shoebox? Not only that, but the one hotel they'd planned on staying at doesn't allow pets and would evict Tania for the cat.

So we tell Rob's mom all this as she's helping Tania coordinate this move, and she freaks out. She's probably going to call Tania tomorrow and tell her she has to get rid of the cat & dog. I'm wondering, why not have a friend pet-sit til James (her black husband, whom the in-laws still don't know is her husband) can come out w/their stuff? James can't take care of the pets well because when he had his double knee replacement, it was a butcher-job and he can't walk now. They're having a friend help James move & drive across the country already, so why not throw the guy an extra hundred bucks to stop by & feed the cat & dog?

After going through all this, I've decided my true calling in life is to become a travel agent for people who are too stupid to leave home. I feel I am uniquely qualified because of my relatives and more than 10 years in the inhospitality industry.
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Something has changed because I am seeing things again. Either that, or my Elavil has stopped working, one of the two. Or maybe some combination of the two because I've also been waking up in a raw sweaty panic every three hours. I hope that stops once I've gotten settled into the new job. Seeing things again is ok except they like it when I'm in the kitchen. Once last night my waking in a sweaty raw panic was because it sounded like something was standing over me barking in a harsh coughing way. It was a gruff lionlike noise, or maybe like a cheetah with a deep voice. But whatever it was it was standing over me like a tall wispy person. Honestly, no, it wasn't exactly wispy. It was sort of tall, thin, angular and jangled together. These are the moments when I wish I could draw. Maybe it was a tall smoky mummy-shape wearing a Thoth-head mask. Ah... here, Il Medico della Peste . That's what it looked like - a tall jangly smoky carcass wearing the plague-doctor's mask. And chuffing or barking at me in my sleep. I think I know what I'm going to be for Samhain. Thank you, bizarre barking ghost-beastie in my room last night, for waking me on a work night!

It rambles. )

Right now, for whatever reason, the house goms are loud and want to be seen and heard. I've done a lot of ignoring over the past few years, mainly out of animosity but Something has changed and I'll be damned if I know exactly what it is.

Contagion

Apr. 13th, 2007 12:50 pm
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Rob was walking into the kitchen the other night to get me fresh water & stubbed his little toe against the exercise bike.

It seems like whenever I get sick, he has to be sick, too. I had knee surgery, so since my surgery, he has developed carpal tunnel, he burned himself while helping me in the kitchen and has now broken his little toe.

I hate his upbringing - he was encouraged to act this way all through childhood by his mom - whenever someone was sick in the house & receiving all the attention, his mom would get sicker. Of course, she would continue caring for her sick child or mate, but everything she did for them included constant reminders of how bad off she was, how sick she was, and how strong she was to be taking care of a sick kid/husband with a sore throat or a tiny cold while she had just been mauled within inches of her life by rabid wolves. The longer I know her & know of her behavior & see how much worse it's getting, it truly seems like there is something honestly wrong with her - narcisstic personality disorder, something. That's really what marriage is about - trying to undo the damage your partner's parents did so you can be married to a whole, independent human being. In fact, if you remove one 'r' from 'partner', you get 'parent'. Maybe that 'r' is for 'rebuilding'.

Rob's trying to put on this brave facade as he hobbles around - his foot does look bad, it's all bruised & when he first did it it was swollen beyond belief, but of course he won't go get it x-rayed and he won't put ice on it or tape it to his other toes, in other words he'd rather suffer not-so-silently than help himself. I feel bad that he injured himself, but the martyr act just pisses me off.
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Early this morning, Jody & Terry's dad passed away. He'd had numerous small strokes since mid-November. Everyone in their side of the family did get the opportunity to say good-bye. He had told the nurses he wanted to live past Christmas so he wouldn't ruin the holiday for his great-grandkids, and he made it.

A toast, to one of the greatest Hell-raisers this side of the Mississippi. There really aren't many old dudes like Larry in this world.

Other than that, I wish everyone a safe and healthy New Year.

"And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year, “Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown."
- M. Louise Hastings
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Jody called me last night to whine on my shoulder, Tania & James' wedding is today... and I feel crappy & am waiting patiently for my doc to open so I can set an appointment to get my b.p. refills... And my English class starts today. So much for a good start to the New Year.

My resolution: Even more listening & less talking.

Scary...

Oct. 28th, 2005 06:29 pm
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Last night we ended up having dinner w/Tania & James at the Imperial Palace after running them around... and the m.i.l. called twice to 'see what we were up to'. So today, Tania & the m.i.l. went to lunch @ the Hungarian restaurant... and this afternoon, Rob's mom called & asked us, again, what we did yesterday. As if she were checking the facts w/what Tania may have told her over lunch. Sometimes I think to myself, even with all our alcoholism & mental illnesses & bad relationships, even w/all the racism of my Tennessee relatives & the teen pregnancies & the child abuse - in a way, Rob's family is far more fucked up than mine ever was. I mean, our problems were right out there for everyone to see, and they were so very white trash & so very cliche'. Everyone knew someone who came from a family like mine, and now it's all 'Blue Collar Comedy Tour' material. Yeah, being a member of it as a child was pretty fucked up, but at least I can say I've mostly recovered from it. The wounds were numerous, but for the most part, superficial. And I can laugh about a lot of it.

Rob's family is more like one of the families out of V.C. Andrews books, minus the incest. The powerful and catty and petty matriarchs who sit in the center of the web & constantly pull & check the strands for movement so they can pounce on unsuspecting relatives & wind them into cocoons... Sheesh.

I was gonna write something else... Oh, yeah. Heh, how could I forget? Rob bought me World of Warcraft (ruh!!!) for Samhain. This game promises to be intense, it's an MMORPG, the first one Blizzard is charging a monthly fee to play. At any rate, the initial update is 252MB... we bought this game on Wednesday night, and so far it's only downloaded about 50MB. Yikes! I probably won't even get to play it til the day after Samhain. That's the one thing that totally blows about dial-up.
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That's one of the main problems w/downloading music... I spent about a week, downloading & downloading, to get an uncorrupted copy of Anna Nalick's 'Breathe (2am)'. It's a fitting song. Rob says she's not old enough to be singing these words, but I know from personal experience that one can end up w/a lot of life in a few short years. I didn't really like the song much when I first started hearing it, but after watching the video at 4am over a few long nights of the soul, it's grown on me considerably.

Talked to Jody last night. Miranda's recovered nicely & is heading back to work soon, Jamie's getting ready to move in w/a friend of hers in a bigger apartment. Jody's enjoying the whole grandmother experience except that her grandson never sleeps, at least not that she's personally witnessed. I'm like, 'Yeah, I'll come see him in a few years, after he's done w/diapers & randomly screaming his head off for no apparent reason'.

Breathe (2am) by Anna Nalick

2 Am and she calls me cause I'm still awake
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake
I don't love him and winter just wasn't my season.
Yea we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites you're all here for the very same reason.

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button girl
So just cradle your head in your hands.
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist
Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year
Here in town you can tell he's been down for while
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
Wanna hold him but maybe I'll just sing about it

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button boys so cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breath just breathe

There's a light at the end of this tunnel you shout
Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made
You'll just make them again if you only try turnin' around

2am and I'm still awake writing this song
If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to.

But you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand...yeah breathe
Just breathe, ohho breathe
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I've had a tape for almost 20 years that the Hula Rat put together for me, back when she was oh-so-keen on Wall of Voodoo & Stan Ridgway. It's called 'The Dashboard Mary Collection' from an independent literary magazine she tried to run for awhile. Ah, the days of our youth - Dashboard Mary, freeway shootings, TCBY's frozen yogurt, the Glendora Library. Yup, we were living dangerously, I tell ya. So anyway, since I bought this computer I've been trying to figure out how to tape music from my stereo onto my computer so I could burn a CD from it, specifically for that tape. I nagged & nagged Ann soooo bad for a copy after listening to hers every time we went out together. I think it was 'Leroy' by the Fibonaccis that did it for me. I know eventually it's going to break or something, and I will be devastated, especially since I can't seem to rip like, 5 or 6 songs online from any source, and getting the actual CD's are nigh impossible anymore. Especially trying to find 'Paintwork' by The Fall. I had to leave it off for now because it's pretty much non-existant & I taped over that part of the tape because 20 years ago, the song really annoyed me. Anyway, now I can play the CD's over & over again & not worry about a frail piece of plastic that will get eaten by a ravenous tape deck somewhere along the line.

After arguing w/Rob for a good 2 hrs. I finally obtained the correct splitter to hook the stereo to the 'Line-In' hole in the computer, downloaded a program called Music Match, and voila - a whole new world of possibilities. I can finally get rid of all these recorded-from-radio tapes I've been hauling around for years & years. Supposedly, MusicMatch will recognize the track-breaks on a commercial music tape & will split the tracks on the computer, but I had to manually sit there w/Dashboard Mary, just like trying to record tape-to-tape w/out including all the pauses. The music is relatively clear for a 20-year old tape.

And now that I've figured out how to hook a stereo to my computer & actually get it to play music through my computer, a VCR shouldn't be so scary. As long as Rob unhooks the VCR for me, because we've got this house wired up like NASA w/the TV, VCR, DVD player, my computer, all the surround-sound speakers, etc. It's kind of intimidating.

In other news, Miranda popped a boy out tonight. She sounded pretty lively when I talked to her on the phone - I don't think the drugs have worn off yet.
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I'm still in my latest funk. Everything sort of seems flat and colorless around me.

Been reading Clive Barker's 'Abarat' at my shot clinics... his writing is always imagical. 'Abarat' is supposed to be for 'young adults', but c'mon, this is Clive we're talking about here. Even 'Thief of Always' could be read by grown-ups. Clive illustrated 'Abarat', too. It's wonderful. His artwork is very living & looks kind of like he finger-painted it. I also like it because the copy I got off of half.com didn't come w/a dustjacket, so it's this big, slick purple book that says 'Abarat' on the spine in gold lettering. Very cool looking. And because I only read it at my shot clinic or when I'm in the bathroom, it's more like savoring a good piece of tira misu & less like devouring a plate of hot wings, which is how I fly through most books. 2 more shots on this dilution & then I'm on the maintenance dose. Woohoo.

Next weekend I've got to drag myself out of the house & go to something like Party City to see if I can find baby-shower crap for Jody. Aaagh!

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Rainbow Serpent Woman

August 2014

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