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I was at the gynecologist's this morning, await my biopsy. On a tray next to the table was a bottle of what looked like canned air or maybe WD40. Had the red straw sticking out of it. I picked it up & saw it was HurriCaine, a topical anaesthetic.

Nothing too shocking there, right. I kept reading.

'Original Wild Cherry Flavor'.

Yeah, I fucking died. The doctor & his assistant came in & all I could do was gasp, "Original Wild Cherry!" while pointing at the can. The doctor picks it up, reads it & then says, "Why would it need to be wild cherry flavored if we're spraying it into your vagina?" (My gynecologist is from Africa, & has this great British accent, so he sounded so deadpan & puzzled...)

I couldn't help myself, so I tell him, "Could be worse, could be New Car Smell!"

In case anyone hasn't figured it out, it's a topical benzocaine used in dental offices. It took the doctor a couple of minutes to read the rest of the can. He's like, "Ohhh, this is dental anaesthetic!"

Then as I'm laying there w/my feet up in the stirrups, right before he spritzes me w/the stuff, he asks, innocently, "Does your husband like cherry flavor?"

OMFG!!! I was in tears. So now all day, all I can think about is Original Wild Cherry.
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OKCupid's Flowchart of Love
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If you don't know anything about Paganism, here's all you need to know.

1. Pagans worship the Earth as our spiritual and literal home, which we venerate through gods and goddesses who...oh bollocks, forget all that.

2. Paganism covers a wide variety of people with variety of outlooks and beliefs. It includes atheists, pantheists, monotheists, polytheists and hedging-their-bets agnostics. It is, in summary, disorganised religion.

3. Ask ten Pagans for a definition of what Paganism is, and you'll get ten different answers.

4. Ask them while they're all the same room, and you'll also get an argument.

5. Trying to organise a bunch of Pagans is like trying to herd cats.

6. Spend any time on the executive committee of a Pagan society, and you will truly gain a deep insight into the above saying.

7. The ones who look a bit fluffy, read books on aromatherapy and shop at Halcyon Daze are the Wiccans.

8. The ones who wear robes and unfeasibly large beards, and fling themselves in front of bulldozers are the Druids.

9. The ones who refer to near-lethal doses of mead and real ale as "breakfast" are the Norse Heathens.

10. The ones who hold long conversations with themselves in Classical Hebrew and disturb their housemates' early morning hangovers by screaming "HORUS" are the Ritual Magicians.

11. The ones who just say yes to drugs are the Shamans.

12. The ones who fit characters from Star Trek into the Kabbalah and worship HP Lovecraft as a prophet are the Chaos Magicians.

13. The ones who upset their neighbours by getting pissed on rum and drunkenly singing in Creole are the Voudou practitioners.

14. The ones with more imaginary friends than the average 5 year old are the Eclectic Pagans.

15. The ones who base their spiritual practice on Silver Ravenwolf books... well, they ride the short brooms...
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I've had random songs running through my head all day. I only have to hear a song a couple of times (if I like it, anyway) and I will have it pretty much memorized. It's a blessing and a curse - I could pick up a tune quickly when I was in high school band... but then I'm stuck with this crap filling my mind for the rest of my life. I probably have more of my brain dedicated to song lyrics than anything else, which means I can't remember simple math, but I can sing the Ladybug Picnic word for word after not hearing it for like, 20-some-odd years. Or the Kookaburra Song - why we learned the Kookaburra Song in kindergarten in California, I have no freaking idea, but I still know the damned song (thanks, Moonvoice, btw).

Kookaburra sits on the old gum tree
Merry merry king of the bush is he
Laugh Kookaburra, laugh Kookaburra
How gay your life must be

Kookaburra sits on the old gum tree
Eating all the gumdrops he can see
Stop Kookaburra, stop Kookaburra
Leave some gums for me

Kookaburra sits on the old gum tree
Counting all the monkeys he can see
Stop Kookaburra, stop Kookaburra
That's no monkey, hey, that's ME!!!

I've also been pissing & moaning about my spectacular lack of creativity lately.

I was trying to confirm whether our feisty black, brown and white birds are actually mockingbirds (they are, probably the Northern mockin'bird, Mimus polyglottos) since I've been calling them mockingbirds without actually knowing that they are mockingbirds. I don't even know how I determined that the birds are mockingbirds in the first place. I must have heard or seen it somewhere without fully absorbing the source material. Mockingbirds are called mockingbirds because they don't have original songbird material - they mimic other birds' songs and sounds they hear in their environment... like car alarms. This blurb I found on 10,000 struck me as personally funny: "It’s been theorized that this species has more brain matter devoted to song memory than most other birds do."

I'm like, great, I'm a bird-brain.
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I just realized that I am now old enough to run for president.

However, I don't want to spend 4 - 8 years with someone's hand up my ass.
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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change ! The chicken wanted change !

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

SARAH PALIN: As a Mayor and Governor of Alaska I have fought against and stopped the good old boy chickens attempts to cross the road against God's will. It appears I have not fully succeeded. Where's my gun? 

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road with what is certainly weapons of mass destruction, perhaps nuclear. We must bomb the chicken before it attacks us and destroys our American way of life!

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

We have reason to believe a chicken crossed the road, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road to verify the crossing.

BILL O'REILLY, FOX NEWS: Another left-wing chicken has crossed the road, probably looking for another government relocation handout. Get over it buddy, as far as I'm concerned, you're on your own.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty ! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: That chicken crossed the road to steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for me.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken200.9 , which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken200.9 . This new platform is much more stable and will never need to reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
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Or during, for that matter.

Honey, I have something to tell you.
You are a girl right?
Do you remember that operation I had a while ago?
You should get yourself checked out.
Wow, you remind me of my ex-girlfriend. Except she was better.
So, you have a thing for sea animals huh? - a continuation of this was "Because you kiss like a dead fish" and also 'I hope you like crabs'" EEEWWW
Honey, I think my parents are home.
You are eighteen right?
You're a guy? Oh, well that's alright I'm a woman.
I thought they smelled bad on the outside.
Do you smell tacos?
Are you baking something?
What do you mean you have radioactive sperm?
I was kidding about being sterile.
What hysterectomy?
You're on the pill, right?
I guess you weren't the *worst* I've ever had.
So, can I get your sister's number?
My beer goggles are wearing off. - I've heard this one before in real life
Want to wash the dishes before you go home?
So, you're leaving now, right?
The door is over there, don't let it hit you on your way out.
Whoops, I think you're bleeding. - I've said this one before
Sweetie, I lost the key. - and this one
I can't get you down.
Call 911.
Have you seen my whistle.
I think it's stuck. - and this one
What condom?
Where's the condom?
I better put my wedding ring back on now.
Hold on I have to take this phone call.
You're not my wife!
Is that a camera?
Do I hear footsteps?
Did I just hear someone say, "Honey, I'm home?"
Is that a baby crying?
Are you laughing at me?
What do you mean, "How much?"
Is the door locked?
Hurry, hide under the bed! - and this one
Honey, meet my secretary.
Hold on, I'll get the fire department.
I think I swallowed your piercing.
What do you mean you think that was the dog?
Honey, I'm over *here*.
Let's take that bag off your head now.
Well that didn't take long.
What do you mean, you're done?
You don't want to snuggle?
I had a headache, dammit?
What just happened?
Make me breakfast wench!
Now I know why he dumped you.
I'm only fourteen. - never say this when you're on a rock band's tour bus that's about to cross state lines. Not that I've ever had any experience with that kind of thing...
What do you mean you're related to Lorena Bobbit?
Wow, a whole two minutes.
Why are you holding scissors?
Can you untie me now?
Wow, I just beat my high score in Super Mario Bros by 10,000 points!
Okay, see you at the family reunion.
Ha! I win.
Smile! You're on Candid Camera!
Don't worry, it's perfectly natural.
Consider masturbation.
You woke me up for that?
But everyone looks funny naked.
The size of your feet should be labled as false advertising.
Put away the coolwhip.
What's your name again? - I've said it & heard it. I'm just not good with names, and neither are some of the people I've been with.
Do i have to be here in the morning?
But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I tell you my Great Aunt Martha died in this bed?
Did you just come in?
So much for the fulfillment of fantasies.
On second thought, we should have turned off the lights.
And to think, I was trying to pick up your friend.
It's nice being with a woman I don't have to inflate.
Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
I told you you had it on backwards!
Maybe you're just out of practice.
Were you by chance repressed as a child?
I really hate women who think sex means something.
A good plastic surgeon could fix that.
This would have been more fun with other people.
I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
Have you ever seen Fatal Attraction?
Do I have to call you tomorrow?
I want to break up.
I knew you were wearing a padded bra!
Can I borrow 20 bucks? - heard it more than once
I haven't had this much sex since I was being paid for it!
We'll try again later.
So that's why they call you The Flash?
Stop squirming, you're spilling my beer. - heard it and said it. Ah, I miss Eric so much!
You're not my blind date?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
You wear the same bra as my mom!
I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
That was great, let's get you back to the psych ward.
Do you *ever* buy mouth wash?
Of course I don't love you.
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I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about. Ask away. Then post this in your LJ and find out what people don’t know about you.

(I think I'm going to smack this one into my tribe blog, too - it's woefully light on content, but I pour out my soul here mostly. Been thinking more about Sumner, Penny & how it's odd that both me & Jody are chanting the mantra of the old Goth scene, "death is easy". At least Jody's going to be seeing a pshrink, I'm still too pissed off at the one I visited to go through all the insurance crap to find a different one. I am thinking, hold yer breaths & wait for the drumroll, about joining the Las Vegas Athletic Club after my summer class ends. There's one close by, women join for free, they've got a pool & offer pilates, yoga & bellydancing classes & workshops. Granted, losing more weight would be a side-effect, but I'm tired of always being a tightwire. My back is fucking killing me and after spending some time on the balance ball I got, it does feel better for awhile. Being that I finally let my rag start after a month & a half, that lessened back pain makes a h-yoooooouuuuuge difference. I bought a bathing suit, so I better damned well use it.

I'm not ready to sit down & type anything heavy atm. Too many orphans, not enough days off. I've still got 2 toons to lvl to 10!!! Oh, advice for lvl 60+, don't get the baby eyeball pet. It's butt ugly. Looks like an ass on one side & a pussy on the other. The baby hawkstrider, otoh, is the cutest freaking thing ever.)

Speaking of ass & pussy... what's the difference between parsley & pussy? the punchline )
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Ok, so I'm sitting here watching Fox 5 News at 10, mainly because the couch has been holding me hostage since I ate. The newscaster (Lorraine Benton, I think is her name) is going through some traffic accidents & mentions a fatality at Coral Shores & something-about-Gulls. The guy was on a motorcycle, probably speeding, hit a large rock, flew through the air & died of injuries. The newscaster paused & added, dramatically and emphatically, "Metro reported, he was not wearing a seatbelt!"

He was on a freakin' motorcycle! A motorcycle! Last time I checked, motorcycles do not come with seatbelts. Unless maybe it's one of those super-fancy Goldwings that are more like mobile homes on two wheels than real motorcycles anyway.
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A coupla weeks ago, coming home from work, Rob & I were listening to KOMP's Minute with the Mayor & Goodman was saying how he'd like to get an NFL franchise for Las Vegas. We all know that probably isn't going to happen, simply because it's too easy to corrupt a football player or coach... all that easy access to women, money, and betting...

Anyway, I was thinking. If we did end up w/an NFL franchise, what would they call it? Would we name it after our state's industries? The Las Vegas Miners, maybe? Yeah, it's got an ok ring to it, I guess. I think it's a little too close to the 49er's though. Maybe some indigenous wildlife? Baltimore's already got the Ravens, so maybe the Las Vegas Scorpions? Las Vegas Rattlesnakes? That one could work, but it doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. How about Las Vegas Panhandlers - that should sit well w/Mayor Goodman, huh?

But no, it finally occurred to me in the shower. When people think of Las Vegas, they think of the neon, the lights, the casinos - they think of the Strip, of course.

So our NFL team should be called (drumroll please) the Las Vegas Strippers!

Wow. Just imagine the cheerleaders!
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My name would be 'The Memo'. My prime abilities would be to confuse, disturb and cause chaos wherever I went. I'd be invisible, too. I'd style myself as a revolutionary, maybe out for world domination or something. I imagine a conversation after one of my acts of utter destruction would be something like this:

"Hey, Joe, did you see The Memo?"

"No, I didn't see The Memo. Did you?"

"No, I haven't seen it either. Hey Bob, have you seen The Memo?"

"Yeah, I saw The Memo, but I didn't understand it!"

New words

Jun. 13th, 2006 08:09 am
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Rob & I were discussing the quality of my coffee w/a shot of Jack Daniels in it & joking how it was strictly 'medicinal'. Rob mispronounced medicinal (possibly a side-effect of drinking JD in coffee) & said it was 'medusinal'. 

So he thought about it for a minute & said, "Marijuana is Medusinal. It gets you stoned." 

Hence the new word:

Medusinal, adj.: possessing the quality of a narcotic, i.e. any substance that gets you stoned.

It can also be an adverb. Committing adultery in Muslim countries is Medusinal.

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Alcohol Warning Labels

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode
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If you're liberal you may not want to read this.

The Ant & the Grasshopper

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying in supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying in supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well-fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house, where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of Federal judges that Bill had appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
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1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. The only thing management is good for is preventing people from getting any work done.

17. FINAL Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
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1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Aww, it's cute.

3. Why don't we just cuddle?

4. You know they have surgery to fix that.

5. Make it dance.

6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?

7. Wow, and your feet are so big.

8. It's OK, we'll work around it.

9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Oh no... a flash headache.

11. (giggle and point)

12. Can I be honest with you?

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

14. This explains your car.

15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

16. Why is God punishing me?

17. At least this won't take long.

18. I never saw one like that before.

19. But it still works, right?

20. It looks so unused.

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

23. Are you cold?

24. If you get me real drunk first.....

25. Is that an optical illusion?

26. What is that?

27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

28. Does it come with an air pump?

29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.
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I think I got these from someone else's LJ...

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers!

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps from noon to 6PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.
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I'm backdating these posts so the Train post will stay on top for now... I have a bunch of stupid funny e-mails & jokes & crap & I'm trying desperately to stay awake at least another half hour. WoW is doing rolling server restarts, so that avenue of trying to stay awake has been closed for construction. This shit's starting to piss me off. I have three days off per week, and those seem to be the three days WoW wants to do maintenance. WTFOMGBBQ!!!!!

21 Questions (Note to self: do the next ones in rich text mode for cripes' sake)

1. How do you catch a one-of-a-kind rabbit? Unique up on it.

2. How do you catch a domestic rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it.

3. How do crazy people go through the woods? They take the psychopath.

4. How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it.

5. What do fish say when they hit a wall? Dam!

6. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

7. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.

8. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.

9. What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

10. What do you call four bullfighters in quick sand? Quattro Sinko.

11. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

12. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite.

13. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

14. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

15. Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

16. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.

17. Why don’t blind people skydive? Because it scares the dog.

18. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.

19. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The location of the dirt bag.

20. Why did pilgrim’s pants always fall down? Because they wore their belt buckles on their hats.

21. What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes Whack! “Damn!”


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