perzephone: madness takes its toll. please have exact change. (exact change)
This isn't a typical urge for me, but over the past few weeks I've been wanting to trip balls. I don't know if it's a side-effect of the Zoloft or a side effect of feeling better, but damn, I want to get high so bad. I have no idea who I could score anything off of. I know my backyard neighbors are growing weed, but that's not what I want. I want mescaline, LSD, DMT, X, something that will make me see pretty colors.

I keep getting the urge to ask facebook if anyone knows where I can score some LSD, but I think that would be a Very Bad Idea. I'm feeling reckless and confident, but not that reckless. It's a fine line between reckless and retarded.

Josh eventually texted me back, and now he's worrying me because everything is hearts and roses w/him. He also gave me a classic and hilarious line: "If I was rich I would make all your dreams come true". I laughed so fucking hard over that. He's also told me I have perfect nipples, which was far more endearing than making dreams reality.

Well, if I was rich all my dreams would be true, motherfucker.

I'm liking the New & Improved Zoloft-Enriched Me. I'm fucking awesome.

Zoloft FTW

May. 27th, 2014 06:23 am
perzephone: (Default)
I kind of feel like I've wasted the past decade or so. I feel so good right now. It's a world of difference between how I was feeling back in Dec/Jan vs. the past two weeks. I'm still a waste of human space, but at least now I'm an alert & curious, waste of human space. 

I almost accidentally applied for a 911 Dispatcher position in Elko, NV. I don't even know where Elko is. 

I also accidentally on-purpose sent a text to Josh. It's been almost 12 hours w/no response. I don't think he's taking the bait. I'm going to let him  go I suppose. It's just mean of me to keep trying to string him along when I don't really want to be with him as a partner. 

It's always made me curious as to why men get so possessive & protective of me. The women I've been with, too. I don't think I project that needy dependent vibe. Of course, I never get to ask any of them after the relationships end. We always just go our separate ways, no questions asked. 

perzephone: (Default)
I feel like the guy in the Turn Down for What video. I just want to smash things with my crotch and hump anything I can't smash.

It's kind of frightening. I am not used to feeling good. Really good. Really damned good. I keep thinking it's some horrible side effect, like serotonin syndrome or something. I feel alert & active & curious. It's been years.

We've been dealing w/neighbor issues this entire weekend (which is Weds/Thurs for me). We have a broken wall now thanks to some would-be parkourdouche using our wall as a shortcut. He's going to be really fucking surprised when I catch him & happen to have a cast iron skillet in my hand. It's one of the neighbor's kid's friends.

A part of me is daydreaming about calling Josh & asking if he wants to take a boat to the Virgin Islands. Not that I would go but at least a part of me is feeling adventurous enough to consider the possibilities.

perzephone: (cunty day)
Thanks, Zoloft! 

So far I've lost my religion & broken a drunk guy's heart. What else can I fuck up?

And the radio is conspiring against me - playing a bunch of sappy songs like I Can't Make You Love Me & That's Why They Call It the Blues. Oh, and let's not forget Purple Rain. Fuck you, Sunny 106.5*. 

Josh has all these dreams about stealing me away, getting a boat & taking me to Tahiti or something. Getting a dog & naming it Gilligan. I don't know... and now he's drunk & angry & hurt. Hopefully tomorrow he will only be hung over & will still make it to work. 

I have to be brutally honest, though. I've got a personality disorder to contend with, and it's horrible enough that I don't really feel anything for my husband. I'm not dragging anyone else down with me. I have regrets about what I've done to other people emotionally because of my trust/abandonment/personality problem, and my drinking. I'm gun-shy of any kind of meaningful relationships with anyone. I'd like friendships & romances, but I am not emotionally capable of supporting anyone else. I've got a lot in common with psychopaths/sociopaths as far as using people to get what I want without giving anything in return. I make no emotional investments, can't make any emotional investments, so I don't feel any pain. All I can do is pretend.  

Oh well, doesn't matter, got a dick pic out of it. 

(*originally I cursed BobFM. It wasn't Bob's fault.)

Maudlin

May. 17th, 2014 01:40 am
perzephone: (lunar phases)
I guess I'm back to this again.

I'm hoping it's just drunken text speak. Josh has proclaimed his love for me. If it's drunken text speak then we're cool. I love everyone & their mother when I'm drunk, too.

If it's not, and he's deluded himself into this... I'm going to break his heart. I already feel like shit about it.
perzephone: (lunar phases)
Josh hasn't called or texted me in about 48 hours. Either he's been arrested... or...

I keep getting this weird sensation that he's going to show up and make things truly awkward for me. It's had me scanning the casino every time I have to go out there. I keep hearing someone calling my name.

In other news, our Neon crapped out & we did something to our truck by taking it up a couple of miles of gravel road.

And it's definitely Spring. Which is a beautiful thing, because it's been a very long winter for me.
perzephone: (Default)
Some questions answer themselves.

Like typing into google the following question: "If I wire transfer money to a fugitive, can I be charged with aiding and abetting?".

I think the mere fact of feeling it necessary to type that question into a search engine probably means that it's a question I shouldn't even be exploring. Yes, Josh had a big cock, but he wasn't great enough in bed for me to face felony charges on his behalf. However, he has provided me with several days worth of free entertainment because the tale of his arrest was fucking hilarious. I kept trying not to laugh on the phone, but... he's a big dude. And the cops only managed to get one wrist in the handcuffs when he flailed out & hit one of the cops in the face (resisting arrest & assaulting an officer). He pulled a Braveheart & ran, yelling "Freedom!!!" The cops tased him three times - he got up the first two times & then the cops proceeded to beat the living crap out of him on the third. And he was drunk on Jaeger. Sooo many drunken arrest stories start out with, "Well, we were doing Jaeger shots..." I just have this mental image of this big huge drunken moron running off into the desert yelling, "Freedom!!!" The only way it could be funnier is if he was naked & painted blue. 

Luckily for my criminal record, today has been a day of false starts. We had two contractors out to give us quotes on fencing. Both told us 'oh, you don't need permits, because Code Enforcement never looks at these things... but if you want me to get the permits, it's going to cost $500". On the County website, it says the only fence you don't need permits for is if it's 2' or shorter, and retaining walls in back yards. Which means, yes, we do need permits and we've already had encounters w/Code Enforcement in our neighborhood, so they do check on things. So we have to submit a 'plat map' of our property with the planned outline of the fencing we're going to have put in. Lo and behold, no plat map is on record for this property. Yay. A professional surveyor would charge anywhere from $300 - $500 to create one. It seems like every time we look into getting this fence, we end up deeper & deeper down the red-tape rabbit hole. I mean, fuck, it's a fence. It's not like we're building a theme park up in this bitch.

We've also been thinking about tiling the house. Which means pulling out the carpet, moving furniture & being terribly inconvenienced until the job is done. And it will be performed by the mil, Rob & myself. Yeaaah, not gonna happen. We probably need permits for that, too.

Akathisia

May. 6th, 2014 08:15 am
perzephone: (bad ducky)
Well, I'm up to 100mg of Zoloft daily. Yesterday I didn't feel any different. Last night I got a bad case of 'crawling out of my skin', which actually has a clinical name - akathisia. I went upstairs & got some coffee - caffeine's an antidepressant that works quite well for me, and I called Rob. That was a big step for me - to call Rob & tell him I just needed to talk to him for a few minutes, kind of pull me out of myself a little. I told Rob about my trust issues a week or so ago, and just telling him that I don't trust him or anyone else on the planet has led me to instill more trust in him. Like I'm subconsciously testing the waters to see what floats.

We're getting a fence around our front yard to deal w/our neighbor issues. The family living next door has a pack of people in & out, including a devil-child who loves to ring doorbells and throw rocks at the house. The fence probably won't stop the rock-throwing, but it should discourage the running around in the yard & doorbell-ringing.

Then there's Josh, who has been calling/texting over the past week. He has had some legal issues surrounding DUIs, an assault on a police officer, and probation violations, so he's currently a fugitive. I get the nasty feeling he's going to try to come to Vegas in the next week or so, looking for a port in the storm. This harbor's dried up, buddy.

perzephone: (Default)
I cooked food over an open flame last night, whee! The great challenge was in getting the charcoal to light & stay lit. Kingsford Charcoal is not so great.

I'm thinking of starting a second journal this summer - one herb or one Tarot card per day. Or maybe one herb and one card per day.

My insomnia is in full swing - not sleepy, waking up, not dreaming. At least if I only get three hours of sleep a night I don't wake up in the middle. I'm screwed if I get 5 hours though because I'll wake up at least twice. No paranoid delusions this time around at least. I feel all muzzy & my stomach's upset today. Blagh.

Josh called me last night. I'm so changing my phone number when I quit the Excalibur.

Urwargh

Aug. 15th, 2007 08:41 am
perzephone: (Default)
Normally I find Billy Zane attractive - I like the sound of his voice & he's just plain man-sexy. However, this morning's Charmed has him running around pretending to be Robin Hood & w/the gods-awful wig he's wearing, he looks like Brendan Frasier in George of the Jungle. How humiliating.

Josh called again last night. May I reiterate. Urwargh.

They don't know who they're going to give the lead clerk position to - an actual lead clerk who just wants to change her shift, or to me because I wasn't technically a steady extra when the shift went up & the night audit position is technically of higher pay scale & therefore rank. Pam told me this morning, "We're going to do whatever the contract says, but right now we still don't know what the contract means."

I got a letter from Clark County yesterday - I scored 75.5 points towards the requirements for the Office Specialist position so I'm on the eligibility list for 6 months. Woot! I'm still not done w/my background packet for Metro. Part of it is listing all government & law enforcement positions you've ever applied for or put in an interest card for. It's overwhelming - I mean, this is my hobby. I apply for government jobs. It's what I do. Eventually, someone will die & they will run out of current employees to laterally or horizontally promote & I will be the highest scoring applicant and I will get a full-time job doing something inane in the country's infrastructure. I did run across some old letters of recommendation so I've filled in a few more blanks in my employment history, and another listing of addresses.

This whole time I've only kept my employment crap for about 10 years & tax stuff for 7. When we got robbed, because of all the identity-theft potential, I threw a bunch of stuff away because I was just holding onto it 'in case'. A word of advice: if you ever apply for a law-enforcement job in a major city, even if it's for an office assistant, keep everything. Just keep it in a safe deposit box or something.

Erm...

Aug. 13th, 2007 09:08 am
perzephone: (Default)
Josh called the Excalibur last night. Justin had already gone home so Harley transferred him to me.

Erm.

What I'm more concerned with is Zane's DPS. It totally sucks. Everyone kept saying, "Respec to Beast Master at 60". However, going from spec in Marksmanship to Beast Master dropped my DPS by 50%. W/Marksmanship, I would normally hit things in the range of 300 - 500 damage w/crits from 700 - 1100 (the high end usually hitting w/Aimed Shot). Still, it doesn't seem that high to me, considering all the trouble he was having w/elite trolls 20 lvls lower than him (he's now a 62) & seeing as how other hunters (ooh, DPS envy is the worst) are one-shotting crap regularly. Rob's lvl 50 mage is regularly critting stuff his own lvl over 1000 & even Scary (now a lvl 49 shaman) is critting stuff up to 5 lvls higher regularly at 700 - 900 - she's specced Elemental, though. She's tough, but I hate playing mana-vampire classes & Shaman is definitely a mana-sucker. Contrary to popular belief, Shamans do occasionally die.

Zane is good at crowd control, at least w/Jinx (now a lvl 60 hyena). She can pull & hold aggro like a lvl 1 priest in a lvl 20 instance.

I'm just so stuck on Zane's damage tho. It's making him unfun to play & I just think it's a little late for him to try to bring up a cat pet to compensate for his sucky DPS.
perzephone: (Default)
I'm trying to gear myself up for tomorrow morning. I know we probably won't talk about anything pertinent - it's a 'first doctor appt. appt.'. There's probably going to be a ton of paperwork, and the psychologist will probably ask me, "So, why are you here today?" and I will try not to choose some snappy comeback like, "Because my husband dropped me off & told me not to come back home til I was normal again."

I've gone back through all my livejournal entries & cut/pasted them into Word so if she happens to want to see my diary, I can print it up, formatting errors & all.

We were waiting yesterday for Jody or Brad to come p/up Andy, and I finally went to bed. At some point my cellphone rang, which I'm still not used to hearing. My sleeping brain translated the sound of its ring into a shower of little golden stars or fireworks. I probably could have gone back to sleep, but Rob came in when he saw me fish-flopping around in bed & asked, "Guess who just called?" My first reply, "Josh?" Which was weird, because normally I say 'Penny' but I didn't hear him yelling at anyone. It could have been 'Eric' but he didn't wake me up to actually talk on the phone, which he would have done. I was going to go back to sleep, but then Brad called wanting to come get his dog... So I got 2 hrs. of sleep yesterday & felt sick as a dog all day long. I still don't feel very good today, but I think it's that no-sleep hangover from yesterday. I might also have a little food poisoning - that won ton soup was suspect.

Josh

Oct. 10th, 2004 11:04 pm
perzephone: (Default)
Josh called me at work last night, we had a decent chat. He's working 2 jobs, one cleaning boats & the other as a desk clerk. He says he actually misses all the responsibility he had out here, now he realizes just how good Vegas was to him & how the only reason he hated Vegas so much was because he was fat. He's probably coming back out here in January if he can sweet-talk his folks into another plane ticket & help getting set back up. Sometimes it sucks to be right.

Anyway, he asked me, "So, are you happy?" I hung up on him. He should know the answer. I mean, Hel's bells, even Rob caught on after a few times.
perzephone: (Default)
Rob apparently doesn't want to go either - we talked about it yesterday & he was like, "Well, you always look forward to it, so I didn't want to say anything." Which means, that had we gone, he'd have been in a pissy mood all day & I wouldn't have had fun anyway.

Called Josh last night, got his answering machine, left a snotty message. Probably won't call him back, either. I am afraid to learn how much that 2 minute call to Hawaii is gonna cost me.
perzephone: (Default)
Ho hum. For awhile there, I was doing so good at keeping this thing updated, but lately... eh, there hasn't been much going on. Just life. The never-ending Work/Sleep/Work cycle. Even when I'm home I'm working, dishes, laundry, Rob, snakes. Never a day of rest. I think I would have made a good Amish woman at this point. For some reason unbeknownst to me, my eyes popped open at like, 1:45 this afternoon. I'm hoping for a possible chance of nap before I go to work. Maybe w/a high percentage of sex.

Rob's back at work, for at least 2 weeks. We actually have a slightly opposing schedule, so I get 4 glorious evenings to myself. All things considered, how my normal days off go, I will probably sleep right through them. Oh well.
Last night I tried to stab Jeff w/a green highlighter. Luckily for his uniform, he was too fast for me. I finally had to resort to yelling "Get the Hel away from me! Aaaagh!" while flailing my arms wildly. It was effective. Both Jeff & Josh ran off like bad children, which is really pretty much all they are.
Nora comes back from her vacation on Sunday, which means I get to plan my next one. I don't know why I'm bothering, it just means I won't be going to work, not that I'm going anywhere else. Surfing the couch, woohoo. Chances are Rob will be out of work yet again, so I'll be stuck w/him every single day, & the in-laws will want to ruin my time anyway. Something about putting a phone line in the den & running cable into the dining room, my mother-in-law is trying to foist her current dining room set off on me, which I am actively protesting w/much head-shaking. I can't take another kitchen-table war. The last one ended in an uneasy truce & I don't want to be the one to rekindle the flames of animosity. At least w/Rob's current post, I have to stay at work longer on Sunday nights, instead of getting those atrocious early-outs at like, 2am. Oooh, work a whole 3 1/2 hrs. Yup, way to be the breadwinner, Janelle. I haven't had an 80-hr paycheck since I started night audit :)

Josh keeps talking Hawaii to me, like it's some big prize, but he doesn't seem to understand that I'd never trade the snakes for him, which is what going to Hawaii would mean. He also doesn't understand that I wouldn't trade one marriage for another. To coin a U2 song, a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. It's the wanting that got me into this whole marriage thing in the first place, but it wasn't the man that I wanted, it was the stability & some measure of security that was being offered at the time. Not having to sleep on Jody's couch anymore, deal w/30 or 40 cats & 20 dogs & 2 kids... Ugh, Cancerians... he doesn't get it. He just doesn't get it. And eventually, I'll hurt his itty-bitties and he'll have one more score to chalk up against the female species.

I keep thinking N'Awlins... and I keep missing the teeming beaches of California, the ocean Herself, the flux of the tides, the smell of salted air, the way your skin looks glittered after coming out of the water & air-drying, the strange celebratory nature of Venice Beach & the peace of Carmel-by-the Sea...

Eric

Nov. 16th, 2003 08:46 am
perzephone: (Default)
Jody calls me last night because Jamie's cat, Fluffy, has gone to the great Mousing Ground in the sky. Jamie's had that cat for 13 years, & she just turned 20. Pretty amazing. She's really distraught about it, and Terry has turned this whole thing into a new & exciting way to emotionally rake Jody over the coals. Drama. I've got to get Jamie a condolence card today so Jody can give it to her.
Jody & I are going to see Seal tonight. Seal is an interesting person. He had lupus as a child, which is why he has such extensive scarring. Whenver I listen to him, I think, "Gee, he's sort of a black Peter Gabriel", which is unfair to Seal because he is sort of original & all, but I form these loose associations...
Tried to tell Josh about Aleister Crowley & his impact on my spiritual life. Crowley had this amazingly dark sense of humor that very few people recognize. Crowley was a coyote person fer sure. A kindred spirit in the desert of the soul.
And Eric called Jody to tell her he'd be coming to Vegas in March, & he plans on making me call in sick to go out w/them. In March. So Jody calls me all excited & tells me I need to plan for time off. In March. Eric will be out here about a week before I get my vacation seniority, so if he wants me to venture forth on a Thur/Fri/or Sat, he's going to be disappointed. Of course, March is a looong way off. A lot can change between now & then. He also said he doesn't have my phone number, just my address, but could he drop me a postcard saying, "Yo, bitch, I don't have your phone number"? Noooooo. But I've got his number and I will call him... sheesh. I wish he'd come home already instead of playing in the snow.
perzephone: (Default)
Back to work... lay-off time is looming, so that's the word on everyone's lips "How deep are they gonna lay off? When will they lay us off? How long will the lay off last? Should I take the lay-off or do ya think I could make any hours as steady extra?"
Tell ya what, peeps - I don't care! I'm not in the seniority rat race anymore, so I don't have to worry about it. I'll miss ya when you're gone, but if you think I'm gonna worry about your affairs while you're laid off, you're dead wrong. I got mine, hahahahahaha!!!
The bull riders are at the castle... alls I know is that bull riders have great asses & thighs. And I feel fully flirted with. I mean, completely saturated with flirt.
Josh says to me earlier tonight, "I thought you might call on your vacation..." My reply, "Oh, yeah, I lost your phone number. Sorry, but you never answer your e-mail, ya dork. Oh, and it's not like your fingers are broken, ya know..." He came in to tell me every one is picking on him... Debbie came in shortly thereafter & called him a ninny. I guess he was right, everyone was picking on him. I think what probably started it was Jeff giving me a back rub & talking about a Friends episode involving the "7 Erotic Spots on a Woman's Body." While Jeff was giving me the rubdown, I was like, "Yeeahhh, and you're hitting about 3 of mine right now, baby!" We were standing next to Kelly & she wanted us to move away from her... I think she was afraid she'd get splashed or something. (Josh could probably only think of 2 or 3 erotic spots on a woman, & probably said so out loud after I left...) Right now, my whole body is one big erotic spot. I'm practically oozing sexuality wherever I go.
I'm beginning to gain a grudging respect for spiders... Saw a jumping spider on Discovery named "Psyche." She was a very intelligent spider. She could solves mazes & stuff. In a way, she looked like a stuffed toy spider - sort of a shiny, furry teddy-bear brown w/really bright, dark eyes. The other night I was sitting on the toilet & a big, black hairy house spider startled me a little. It looked up at me, & I swear it did a double take & started backing away, back under the rug... Like it looked at me, said, "Oh shit, I'm in for it now... Maybe if I back away very slowly she won't notice me..." I got up off the toilet & it hunkered down. I couldn't let it live, but I was barefooted, so I couldn't step on it, either. Unfortunately for it, spiders don't swim.
I cannot wait to get my datura package! I am so darned excited about them. All my little green allies, surrounding me w/their lushness.

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Rainbow Serpent Woman

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