Last night at work I actually roamed around the front desk, talking to people... it was odd. When I first walked out there, Valentina & Kelly were engaged in a heated debate about political correctness & tolerance. Valentina is 18, Kelly is in her 40's. Valentina is fairly enlightened, but she is also very young. I can see both sides clearly, but I tend to agree more w/Valentina's stance on things, especially when it comes to the separation of church & state, & the need for religious & social tolerance. Kelly is willing to consider new things, but she gets frustrated by change and what she sees as going through unnecessary backflips to make small groups of vastly different people happy. We all do. You get older & new things begin to get scary & intimidating. It's harder to keep up & it's harder to stay open-minded. Valentina has a lot of energy, she's got this diehard sort of 'If you want something that you feel will make you happy badly enough, you will sacrifice everything to obtain it." I told her to write it down & lock it away til she's 35. Not because she's right & we're wrong, or that we're right & she's wrong, but simply because a person can change a lot between 18 & 35. Your worldview & priorities change drastically. Especially being as she's female & will probably eventually want & create small screaming things.
Later, she, Duane & I were talking about how a person's priorities can change. Duane's in his 50's, slowly creeping up on retirement. So his priorities are even different from Kelly's, mine, and drastically different than Valentina's. He told her that about 25 years ago, she & we wouldn't even be able to sit at the same table & have the conversation. Not because she wouldn't have even been a twinkle in her daddy's eye at that point, but because she's Russian. Anyone remember the Cold War? Duane was in the military, helping the US Armed Forces destroy the 'Russian threat' & bringing down communism. I watched the Wall come down live on MTV, complete w/Pink Floyd & David Hasselhoff. It was one of the defining events of my teenaged life. Watching them destroy the Berlin Wall & bring the world a little closer together. Learning that the Soviet Union was no longer the enemy, but simply Russia... No more East or West Germany, but simply Germany. Duane remembers the walls being built, I remember the walls coming down, and Valentina? She says, "Oh, all that" with a dismissive wave of her hand. The whole conversation just made me feel old. Valentina feels that America's gross consumerism is the root of all evil & unhappiness, but yet when you ask her why she's going to college, it's so she can be a psychologist & make lots of money, have a couple of nice cars & a couple of nice houses.
Went to the Indoor Swapmeet today. Stayed up this morning. My knees hurt so bad it's indescribable. Sometimes I feel that when I bend my legs, the end of my thighbone is going to pop right out of the skin. But, wtf, we got out of the house. And we got some slow, leisurely exercise. Walked & walked for a good 3 hrs. Ate the nuts, played w/the toys, looked at stuff. I got a dream catcher & some oils. Played w/a dragon singing bowl, and a regular singing bowl at the Tibetan stand. The dragon bowls at the Swapmeet were about $40 - $60 less than from the online shops, and about $100 less than from The Pyramid Collection catalog. I'm really trying not to buy any knick-knacks til we move. I think today sort of defined it for me & Rob. We kept seeing some really interesting stuff, but we both kept saying, "No, we'd just have to move it." No matter how ill-advised it is, whether we end up crawling back to Vegas in poverty & defeat, we're probably going to be moving to Washington w/in the next year. I've gotten a stay of execution from the Ex for at least 120 days, and after that, it's only going to be another 4 months til I get vested, so I'm thinking, 'I can work out on the line for 4 months. What's 4 months?' I will go & get FMLA & just work the 4 months and then we will leave.
Right now I feel like I look hideous. The Paxil made me break out so bad. I feel like Quasimodo. Went & got some more Benziclin (yeesh, it’s freaking expensive, but it’s good to my face) & the break-out is clearing up. I have gotten so bored trying to kill extra time at work that I will probably start going out front for an hour or so each night. I just really haven’t wanted anyone to look at me over the past month or so. They’ve had a lot of people working in guest services, mainly because they’ve been training Enrico. I look through that office door & see all those people sitting there & just want to turn around & go home. I don’t even want to be physically close to anyone. I’ve been feeling so alien inside that… well, I feel like this guy who was in both an H. P. Lovecraft story & a Stephen King short story… He was cursed. If he came into physical contact w/anyone they would die. As a result, he held himself very aloof & stand-offish, and only a few people understood his problem. Of course, in the H. P. story, because of the time it was written in, the man became sort of a pariah, like a leper. In SK’s story, people treated him like he had a mental illness, but were usually respectful of his wishes to not touch or be touched. In both stories, tho, the man eventually committed suicide by shaking his own hands. I feel like that guy.
At least I’ve been sleeping. Deep, peaceful sleep. I slept so good this afternoon. We were both pretty wiped because of the heat. It felt good but at the same time, the blast furnace of the sun just sucks the energy right out of me. Next week I’ve got to go to the doc again, try another anti-depressant & get my Elavil refilled. Maybe a slightly lower dose, too. I still feel like my soul is sitting in a small jar somewhere inaccessible, and no one will give me access to salt. Of course, I don’t even know what the salt is that will free my ti bon ange.