Relief

Aug. 11th, 2009 08:24 pm
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Sleep last night was remarkably uneventful. It was a relief. No dreams, no nothing, waking up to hear pigeon feet on the porch roof.

I even tried my best before I fell asleep. I envisioned the theatre, with its plush red velvet seats, dark mahogany paneling, cheap thin red casino-like carpeting... it would be a nice theatre if they didn't get their carpet at a hotel/casino reseller... the soft indirect lighting, the thick red velvet curtain opening on that impossibly wide window, the sea-washed black cliffs on the other side. I could even see myself, standing in the back row, hands gripping a seat back... in my nightie & bare feet, but whatever. I could feel that surging panic in my stomach pushing up into my chest, white-knuckling, shaking, hair standing on end.

And then waking up to my obnoxious alarm clock. It has the option of playing a CD for the alarm & I put in Shinedown's CD because the first song on it is Devour & I can sleep through Seether & Breaking Benjamin.

Read the new PopSci today. MIT has free online classes in varied & sundry subjects. I'm thoroughly intrigued... Quantum physics, anyone?
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I passed out on the couch around 8:30 last night & Rob woke me at 10:30 to go to bed-bed. I was laying there trying to fall back asleep & I wasn't trying to achieve anything meditation-wise, just watching the dots & swirls behind my eyelids. The dots seemed to get brighter and bigger, though, and the swirls coalesced into lines and slashes until lo & behold - the Qabbalistic Tree of Life was hanging in space in front of me - only instead of being like a 2D drawing, the spheres looked like planets, swirling and bobbing between the paths. I'm like, "Oh, great... neat mental trick. Go to sleep already!" I could feel the sleep chemicals kicking in & I had that nice weightless feeling like I was floating in space already, so when I kind of 'fell' through Daath, it was still along the lines of "ooh, more mental tricks". But as I was falling the Tree of Life sort of expanded until I was looking at the solar system, each planet and star and galaxy fell neatly into place, still connected by brilliant threads.

I don't normally seek space in my meditations. Space bothers me, it's too big and empty, the spaces between the stars too dark and silent. Last night, though, seeing it woven together on a huge velvety tapestry made it seem a little safer. I could also tell that I was tethered somehow to it, that I wouldn't just float away never to be seen again. It gave me that homey feeling, "yeah, I really am a part of all this". I could almost hear the planets, even though they were millions of miles apart and away from me, spinning effortlessly around ol' Sol, and I could hear the stars, the pulsing radiance creating winds and drafts of energy, strumming the strands of light between them.

I spent a long time out there, but eventually I came back out of it & rousted Rob outta my bed so I could go back to sleep.

Dreams

Apr. 26th, 2008 11:57 pm
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This morning I woke thinking about the dream I had where I had spiders in my hair... and came to the realization that the spiders were dreams. I mean, yeah, in the dream I was traumatized and freaked out because, fuck, there were SPIDERS IN MY HAIR!!! but it wasn't like I stayed freaked out. Then I had personal encounters with live spiders, including an itsy bitsy one in my bed. Last night it seemed like I dreamed all night long. I know REM sleep travels in waves, so I probably wasn't literally dreaming for 10 hours straight, and I don't remember the dreams, but it felt like they were in my head all night, no blank space in between.

I layed there in bed last night, trying to visualize Las Vegas having a peaceful night, no bad dreams, no strife, everyone getting the restorative rest they need. Tried to visualize a silvery rain of quiet sleep falling on the city. I haven't been able to do any chakra visualizations lately or even work on Rob - it was going so well for a few weeks there - I think taking the break from the Elavil threw things out of whack for me. I have this anxiety before I fall asleep, I lay there thinking, "Will I be able to sleep tonight?" instead of doing anything productive with my hypnagogic state. Then, when I do fall asleep and wake the next morning, I wonder what I was so worried about. But I know tonight when I lay down, I'm going to be laying there thinking about insomnia. It's a vicious circle.
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Yesterday, Rob & I only got about 4 hours of sleep due to a follow-up w/my ortho doc. So we went to bed while it was still dark outside. Around midnight. It's obscenely early for us but I was pulling a Grandpa Simpson routine at my computer. Not good, considering we were running the Scarlet Monastery. At least Rob got his Ravager axe on the first try. Anyway, I had bought a couple of 'sounds of nature' CD's to see if they would help me relax (along w/a Theta-wave stimulator, haven't tried it yet but I just got up. It's 8am, fuck me tomorrow). I had popped one in my CD player & was soothed to sleep (not that I needed the help last night) by the sounds of a babbling brook & birds & at some point a chorus of frogs & crickets.

About half an hour, forty-five minutes or so into the CD, while I & Rob were soundly, deeply asleep - the wolves started howling. Scared the living crap outta me at first. It was a loooooong, wavering, true were-wolf movie wolf howl, followed by the shorter yaps and songs of a family pack. Even woke Rob up & I told him, stating the obvious, "There are wolves in here. Maybe they'll eat the cucuy". He agreed with me & we both fell back asleep.

I drew a card last night, asked the Goddess Oracle 'how do I retrieve my faith?'. I drew Maeve, honoring your rhythms and cycles. The card assured me my depression and lack of interest in everything would pass. What I inferred from this is that maybe like a period, my faith has cycles, too. Times when I am a religious freak & times when I am an atheist. For once, decent advice from a tarot card. However, there is no time frame to work with. Could be a season, could be years.
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How fucked up am I that I actually have to take a pill in order to dream?

No pill, no REM. No REM, no dreams. Well, ok, I probably do get NREM dreams, but those are probably the ones where I'm dreaming that I'm at work. And not like, 'naked & weird at work', but where I am reliving, moment by moment, my night at work.

I am awake right now, doing laundry, working on a history assignment, wondering what to do for the next hour or so that will lead me down the poppy-lined path to sleep... I have to readjust my sleep schedule slowly to swing shift because I have to go to work on Tuesday at 

!!3ofuckingclock in the afternoon! Bastards!!

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Well, my heart is perfectly normal - no blockages, no loose valves, no scarring, perfectly healthy heart. My renal arteries are the same. I also don't have Turner's syndrome, no sleep apnea, no restless leg syndrome and no snoring, at least not at the sleep clinic. I know I do snore because I wake myself up sometimes wondering why there is a lion in my bed...

However, when I hit REM sleep I'd wake up & not fully fall back into REM sleep - at least at the sleep clinic. Each time I woke up corresponded w/the onset of REM. Weird, huh? Most likely it's alcoholism-related. I do 'suffer' from hypnagogic imagery, aka 'night terrors' only mine are more dream-like than terrifying. Probably because I understand the psychology of sleep and my hypnagogic state is closer to lucid dreaming than it is to the night terrors that some poor folk experience. I get the weird urge to tell Rob stupid Vaudevillian jokes. I do get the REarM's, complete with roaring soccer crowds & the sensation of levitation or movement but I know it's not aliens coming to get me or spirits sitting on my chest when I feel that sleep paralysis setting in.

So I'm trying a new sleeping pill called 'Rozerem' - it's supposed to restore the natural circadian rhythms, even for shift workers such as myself. If it doesn't work, I've got another prescription for Elavil, my personal wonder-drug.

I am also thankfully almost done with this round of algebra. 2 more weeks - it went by a lot faster than anticipated.
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So here I am in my CIT class. It's 6:25pm. The instructor isn't here. This is our next-to-last class, and we were supposed to learn PowerPoint stuff. I know nothing about PowerPoint, so I was actually looking forward to this. And considering how our exam next week is 25 questions worth of Excel & 25 questions worth of PP, it might have been nice to know what to do. So now I'm sitting here waiting for Rob to call me back - I sent him on errands. He's supposed to go to the post office, go to his mom's w/the rent checks & get a snake light. He's got his voicemail on. So here I sit.

I told Lisa to let go. I think our friendship was good for when it was, but she's got kids & I've got no life, we're not really doing anything for or with one another anymore. Maybe when her kids are all grown up & when I'm retired, we can hook up again & join the Red Hat society or something.

Well, at least I don't have to be in til 10 tonight, refreshing Kelly. Joy. But next week is all vacation time for me. Warcraft, Warcraft, Warcraft! My sleep schedule has been so wonky this week. Last night I slept from about 2pm w/the intention of getting up around 7 & making pork chops for dinner... the alarm went off, I turned it off, & dozed back off. Didn't get up til midnight. Up all night & part of the morning playing Warcraft. Napped from 11 til 4:30, got up, showered, dressed... all for this - a class w/no professor. Woohoo! I could be sitting at home playing Warcraft right now.

I bought a coupla rotten t-shirts. One says "Leave a pretty corpse".
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Once again, time has come around for Rob to start bugging me about a YuleBirthversary present. Because of how much his computer & the WoW games cost, he wants to pool together all the holiday money to get me a present.

Every year we go through this. And I hate it more & more every year.

I buy myself crap all year long... mostly books & CD's, granted, but they're all I really want anymore. Books & music. And since I've discovered Kazaa Lite & Limewire, the CD expenditures have gone wayyyy down, and since I already owe about $1000 to a bunch of bookclubs, the book purchases have gone wayyyy down, too.

I don't begrudge Rob his computer one iota because the guy really doesn't ask for much of anything financially wise. He's happy as long as he's fed on a regular basis.

So we're set to score about $300 between mutual birthday & Christmas presents from the in-laws & he wants to spend it on me. I cringe. For lack of anything else aside from an Alien Popping Thing, I said, "Yeah, Rob, let's go get my tattoo worked on."

To be perfectly honest, yes, I would love to get some more work done on my snakes, get rid of the patchiness where it scarred up, even the color out, add some background so it doesn't look like I've been rubber-stamped w/a couple of snakes. Get my gold stars added so I can be a star-bellied sneech...

But when it comes down to it, it's the money. I can think of about 10 different bills that could use $300 more than my tattoos. I do know how to stall, though, and I can hem & haw around making any tattooing commitments until we're broke & have to use that money as a last-ditch effort to pay the electric bill or something.

My sleep sched got all frelled up last night - slept til 9pm, up til now playing WoW & going to accounting class. Yeeeesh.
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I happened to see this video the other night & I am so disappointed in the Black Eyed Peas...

I think it's called 'Hump' but I could be wrong.
Their female singer was featured in this video singing about how men spend all their money & time on her for (and I swear on earth & water that these are the words):

'My hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump
My lovely lady lumps'

'Lovely lady lumps'? Come on!!!

And in the background, the male lead singer is crooning away: 'Loooovely laaaaady luuuuuumps'.

Aaaaaagh!!!

Been off all the sleeping pills (not voluntarily - the script ran out & I don't go back to the doc til the end o' the month for my b.p. pills & to find out what results occurred on my yearly thyroid test) & I've been having some funky weird dreams. Mostly work anxiety, but there's some just plain weird crap floating around in my head.
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I didn't get around to my 10 minutes, mainly because I got up at 5:30, cooked dinner, ate dinner, cleaned up the dishes, took a shower, massaged my own feet & went to work... I got out early by virtue of Jeff & Alea being kind.

I am really not used to focusing on my body this much. Carbs, carbs, carbs... Can't eat fat because I want my cholesterol to stay tame, can't eat salt because of the blood pressure, can't eat carbs because the shrink has delusions of sugar poisoning... What's left, really? Brussel sprouts. My stomach is fucking killing me right now. It was worse earlier. It's like the ulcers are flaring back up for whatever insidious reason my ulcers choose to launch sneak attacks at me. I shit so much from about 8pm til about 12midnight that now, not only does my actual stomach hurt, but so does my asshole, my stomach muscles, my sides & my lower back. Some Mexican woman sat next to me in a stall in the Excal's restroom earlier as I was having another bout & she exclaimed, "OH Dios Mios!!!" & left the stall. It never ceases to amaze me that someone can walk into a restroom where almost every stall is empty & sit next to me... and I always choose the stall furthest or closest to the end of a row. I don't sit right in the middle stall where someone may not have a choice but to have to take the stall next to me... Kind of like being in a doctor's waiting room full of empty chairs, & the person with oozing pustulant sores & a bad cough sits right next to me... Why do humans have such a herd instinct?

My knees hurt, too. Stomach, abs, sides, back, knees. And I've got a sensitive filling. And a broken wisdom tooth w/a sore gum because stuff keeps getting trapped between the top of the broken out hole & the gum underneath it, putting undue pressure on the gum & the tooth next to it. It's mainly the little broccoli buds that are giving me the most grief.

At least I've been sleeping ok, even after cutting back to 10mg of Elavil. The dreams aren't as vivid or memorable as they were on 25mg. :( I do know that I'm dreaming, but I can't remember much of anything about them... Just that I'm dreaming.
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I'm trying to gear myself up for tomorrow morning. I know we probably won't talk about anything pertinent - it's a 'first doctor appt. appt.'. There's probably going to be a ton of paperwork, and the psychologist will probably ask me, "So, why are you here today?" and I will try not to choose some snappy comeback like, "Because my husband dropped me off & told me not to come back home til I was normal again."

I've gone back through all my livejournal entries & cut/pasted them into Word so if she happens to want to see my diary, I can print it up, formatting errors & all.

We were waiting yesterday for Jody or Brad to come p/up Andy, and I finally went to bed. At some point my cellphone rang, which I'm still not used to hearing. My sleeping brain translated the sound of its ring into a shower of little golden stars or fireworks. I probably could have gone back to sleep, but Rob came in when he saw me fish-flopping around in bed & asked, "Guess who just called?" My first reply, "Josh?" Which was weird, because normally I say 'Penny' but I didn't hear him yelling at anyone. It could have been 'Eric' but he didn't wake me up to actually talk on the phone, which he would have done. I was going to go back to sleep, but then Brad called wanting to come get his dog... So I got 2 hrs. of sleep yesterday & felt sick as a dog all day long. I still don't feel very good today, but I think it's that no-sleep hangover from yesterday. I might also have a little food poisoning - that won ton soup was suspect.
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So last night we went to bed around 2am because we were supposed to go to the traditional 'Father's Day buffet' w/the in-laws. Rob left for his own bed around 3. At some point early this morning, I woke up because something was moving, and at first I thought we were having a fairly powerful earthquake. It's not unknown out here, and I've been awakened by early morning tremors before... but as I lay in bed, completely unable to move anything, I looked up & noticed that the overhead lamp wasn't swinging. None of my war shields or mandalas were clacking against the walls... so it had to be me. I had a spasm or something, and it was bizarre because I couldn't move a muscle, but I was shaking all over. I started thinking about that brain region in the back of the head that controls spatial relationships & the sense of movement & becomes over-active during sleep, and my neck was at a weird pillow-enforced angle. The first spasm passed, and I started to slip back asleep when it happened again. And again. I started thinking 'if I could just move my head' over & over again until finally, after one of the shaking fits stopped, I managed to push myself up on one arm. And I was fine. Drank some water, moved the pillows around & went back to sleep.

Sleep paralysis is perfectly ok w/me. It keeps one from sleepwalking & having somniatic murder sprees. And it scares the living daylights out of Jody because she always thinks some spirit is trying to kill her or possess her. I am a small-minded person and I get my entertainment however I can...

N'zambi

Jun. 19th, 2005 10:23 pm
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Last night at work I actually roamed around the front desk, talking to people... it was odd. When I first walked out there, Valentina & Kelly were engaged in a heated debate about political correctness & tolerance. Valentina is 18, Kelly is in her 40's. Valentina is fairly enlightened, but she is also very young. I can see both sides clearly, but I tend to agree more w/Valentina's stance on things, especially when it comes to the separation of church & state, & the need for religious & social tolerance. Kelly is willing to consider new things, but she gets frustrated by change and what she sees as going through unnecessary backflips to make small groups of vastly different people happy. We all do. You get older & new things begin to get scary & intimidating. It's harder to keep up & it's harder to stay open-minded. Valentina has a lot of energy, she's got this diehard sort of 'If you want something that you feel will make you happy badly enough, you will sacrifice everything to obtain it." I told her to write it down & lock it away til she's 35. Not because she's right & we're wrong, or that we're right & she's wrong, but simply because a person can change a lot between 18 & 35. Your worldview & priorities change drastically. Especially being as she's female & will probably eventually want & create small screaming things.

Later, she, Duane & I were talking about how a person's priorities can change. Duane's in his 50's, slowly creeping up on retirement. So his priorities are even different from Kelly's, mine, and drastically different than Valentina's. He told her that about 25 years ago, she & we wouldn't even be able to sit at the same table & have the conversation. Not because she wouldn't have even been a twinkle in her daddy's eye at that point, but because she's Russian. Anyone remember the Cold War? Duane was in the military, helping the US Armed Forces destroy the 'Russian threat' & bringing down communism. I watched the Wall come down live on MTV, complete w/Pink Floyd & David Hasselhoff. It was one of the defining events of my teenaged life. Watching them destroy the Berlin Wall & bring the world a little closer together. Learning that the Soviet Union was no longer the enemy, but simply Russia... No more East or West Germany, but simply Germany. Duane remembers the walls being built, I remember the walls coming down, and Valentina? She says, "Oh, all that" with a dismissive wave of her hand. The whole conversation just made me feel old. Valentina feels that America's gross consumerism is the root of all evil & unhappiness, but yet when you ask her why she's going to college, it's so she can be a psychologist & make lots of money, have a couple of nice cars & a couple of nice houses.

Went to the Indoor Swapmeet today. Stayed up this morning. My knees hurt so bad it's indescribable. Sometimes I feel that when I bend my legs, the end of my thighbone is going to pop right out of the skin. But, wtf, we got out of the house. And we got some slow, leisurely exercise. Walked & walked for a good 3 hrs. Ate the nuts, played w/the toys, looked at stuff. I got a dream catcher & some oils. Played w/a dragon singing bowl, and a regular singing bowl at the Tibetan stand. The dragon bowls at the Swapmeet were about $40 - $60 less than from the online shops, and about $100 less than from The Pyramid Collection catalog. I'm really trying not to buy any knick-knacks til we move. I think today sort of defined it for me & Rob. We kept seeing some really interesting stuff, but we both kept saying, "No, we'd just have to move it." No matter how ill-advised it is, whether we end up crawling back to Vegas in poverty & defeat, we're probably going to be moving to Washington w/in the next year. I've gotten a stay of execution from the Ex for at least 120 days, and after that, it's only going to be another 4 months til I get vested, so I'm thinking, 'I can work out on the line for 4 months. What's 4 months?' I will go & get FMLA & just work the 4 months and then we will leave.
Right now I feel like I look hideous. The Paxil made me break out so bad. I feel like Quasimodo. Went & got some more Benziclin (yeesh, it’s freaking expensive, but it’s good to my face) & the break-out is clearing up. I have gotten so bored trying to kill extra time at work that I will probably start going out front for an hour or so each night. I just really haven’t wanted anyone to look at me over the past month or so. They’ve had a lot of people working in guest services, mainly because they’ve been training Enrico. I look through that office door & see all those people sitting there & just want to turn around & go home. I don’t even want to be physically close to anyone. I’ve been feeling so alien inside that… well, I feel like this guy who was in both an H. P. Lovecraft story & a Stephen King short story… He was cursed. If he came into physical contact w/anyone they would die. As a result, he held himself very aloof & stand-offish, and only a few people understood his problem. Of course, in the H. P. story, because of the time it was written in, the man became sort of a pariah, like a leper. In SK’s story, people treated him like he had a mental illness, but were usually respectful of his wishes to not touch or be touched. In both stories, tho, the man eventually committed suicide by shaking his own hands. I feel like that guy.

At least I’ve been sleeping. Deep, peaceful sleep. I slept so good this afternoon. We were both pretty wiped because of the heat. It felt good but at the same time, the blast furnace of the sun just sucks the energy right out of me. Next week I’ve got to go to the doc again, try another anti-depressant & get my Elavil refilled. Maybe a slightly lower dose, too. I still feel like my soul is sitting in a small jar somewhere inaccessible, and no one will give me access to salt. Of course, I don’t even know what the salt is that will free my ti bon ange.
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Thanks to the Elavil, I've at least been able to sleep. Of course, the only problem is that it's pretty much all I want to do. Sleep. 'They' say you can never really 'catch up' on lost sleep, but I've been making a pretty darned good effort at it.

Been dreaming, too. Something the other day about Native Americans & some guy that was either Wild Bill Cody or Buffalo Bill... something earlier today about somehow managing to sell off my entire half.com inventory, which came out to $33 in s/h... and someone gave me a horse named Henny. The dreams are full of color, sensation & smells, which is pretty cool.

Jeff & Alea sent me home early tonight. Came home, fucked Rob... now I'm going to settle in for some more sleep.

Thoughts

May. 18th, 2005 10:04 am
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I now have an explanation as to why there are crowds of people in my head that wake me up every once in awhile. Apparently, REM sleep is also accompanied by Rapid-Ear-Movement. The hammer & stirrup inside your ear, along w/all those other 'hearing' mechanisms, go into overdrive when you dream. So some people hear mechanical or electronic tones, other people (including myself at times) hear something like footsteps - sometimes, it's your own name being called out. The noises can be exceptionally LOUD to the sleeper, and of course, undetectable to anyone else in the room.

Watching (well, listening to, anyway) something on the Discovery Channel about the Bermuda Triangle (which has slowly been getting bigger since the '70's). They always focus on the thousand-or-so ships & planes that have disappeared out there, but never on the hundreds of thousands of ships & planes that go across that water every year w/absolutely no incidence whatsoever. There's a big-ass trench out there (the Puerto Rico Trench), and a continental shelf. Of course, if something sinks, it's going to be almost impossible to find. If things fall into the Marianas trench, you're not going to find them either. Duh.
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So today was my first day in a month w/out Ambien... again. I need a new doctor - one that will give me more than a 2 month supply at a time. Anyway, I actually fell asleep around 9:30 this morning. Around Noon:30, I heard what sounded like a stadium full of people cheering, woke up, adrenaline rushed, heart pounding. Couldn't fall back asleep (naturally)... masturbated til I did fall back asleep (works almost every time). I wake up a lot because I always seem to have a crowd of people making noise in my head. I also dreamt something about pissing dark blue, staining my pristine white panties & hands. Odd. Understandable, tho, because between discussions of natural UTI remedies on tribe & trying to remember which herb makes a dark blue essential oil (chamomile, not St. John's Wort), dreaming about blue urine seems natural.

I'd like to go to to a sleep specialist, but the idea of spending the night in a lab w/a bunch of electrodes taped to my head... I don't think I could fall asleep in a place like that w/out artificial tranqulization anyway, so it's kind of pointless. I just have this nagging feeling about 'fatal familial insomnia'... Very few people I'm related to actually have an easy time with sleep. Genetic testing is also very, very expensive, and I don't think my insurance cares about me that much.

From Merck:

Fatal familial insomnia is a prion disease that interferes with sleep, leading to deterioration of mental function.

Fatal familial insomnia is a genetic disease, due to a specific mutation in the PrPc gene. However, the disease can occur spontaneously, without a mutation. This form is called sporadic fatal insomnia. Fatal familial insomnia and sporadic fatal insomnia differ from other prion diseases because they affect predominantly one area of the brain, the thalamus, which influences sleep.

The disease usually begins between the ages of 40 and 60 but may begin in a person's late 30s. Most often, it runs in families. At first, people may have minor difficulties falling asleep and occasional problems with muscle movements. Eventually, they lose the ability to sleep. Other changes include muscle twitching, rapid heart rate, and dementia. Death usually occurs after about 7 to 36 months of illness. No treatment is available.


Of course, there's always Creutzfeldt-Jakob's disease, the human version of bovine spongiform encephalopathy (mad cow disease)... and considering how much raw hamburger meat I've eaten in my lifetime... eh, it's probably just the depression, or the graveyard shift work - even tho I can't sleep at night, either, because I'm awake anyway. Even when I was little. I wouldn't get sleepy til 4 - 5am. My mom & dad could not enforce a 'bedtime' on me because I would be awake long after they fell asleep - they couldn't stay awake long enough to make sure I was actually sleeping. Of course, it made school a bitch. I'd want to sleep after 5am, but noooo, I had to get up to go to school. Half the time I didn't sleep except for on weekends - be up all night, at school all day, couldn't get away w/going to bed til 9 or 10 at night when I'd be AWAKE again. They just gave up - let me stay up & watch old black & white horror movies on the couch. I saw some great movies... 'Abbott & Costello Meet Dracula/the Mummy/the Werewolf', 'Them', 'The Bad Seed' (which was on AMC last weekend, but Rob couldn't stand the dead kid's mom's bawling & pleaded w/me to change the channel so we ended up watching the Food Network all night), all those Hammer flicks, 'Hell House' w/all the heads planted in the fields. I also used to go roaming around & stealing people's flowers to give to my mom. The neighbors had no clue that I was the 4am Flower Marauder. I don't know what my mom ever thought of the bunches of flowers I used to leave all over the house, either. She never said 'thank you', but I don't remember ever getting yelled at about it or told not to leave the house in the middle of the night. That's the benefit of living in a town like Sumner, WA in the early 80's - a 7 year old kid could wander around picking the neighbor's flowers at the break of day & no one cared. Television seemed a lot more interesting, too - old movies til the 'Station Identification' & 'Sign-Off', that last commercial w/the old Indian guy crying over littering, and the multi-colored bars came on. Now at 4am I have a wide variety of infomercials and repeats from earlier in the day. How many times can one watch the same episode of 'Iron Chef America', anyway?

Alcohol interferes w/the dreaming process, but it's been a month or so since I got drunk the last time, & I haven't had a drop since. It's mostly curiosity, the thing about, well, exactly why do I have such a hard time staying asleep? Why, when I wake up after 3-4 hrs. of sleep, do I feel like I'm having a panic attack? Why are there crowds of people making crowds-of-people noises in my head? Today it was cheering, like right after the Brazilian announcer yells "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!", but sometimes it's just that sort of ocean-wave muttering murmuring crowd-of-people noise.
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It's been nice to get sleep again. Slept all day. My bed was soft as a cloud, sheets are clean, pillows are comfy, the house was cool & dark for the most part. The neighbors banging on whatever the neighbors were banging on didn't even touch my sleep-space. Dreamt of huge crab-looking spiders towards waking-up time though. Ugh. It's so strange - this house is relatively bug-free, but we have a serious arachnid problem. I know part of it is me - I draw that which Rob hates most to our environment as petty psychic revenge for having to live in his mom's house. I suffer for it, too, though - instant Karma.

I love this new computer - it rips CD's so freakin' fast. An entire album in the space of a few minutes. Wicked cool. I had to order software so I can rip movies - for whatever reason, Sony didn't see fit to pre-install any. But, if I'm not mistaken, I can capture video from a VCR, which makes my future look much brighter where all these Farscape tapes are concerned. I'm learning so much about Excel & some of the word processing programs. Did a mail merge at CH the other day. I'm getting to be dangerous at the night job. At least we don't have to keep anymore paperwork for the FCC. That was getting to be a serious pain in the ass.

Found an old Andy Prieboy cd, "Montezuma Was a Man of Faith". Has a photo credit for Ann's picture of Andy taken at the Soap Plant in L.A. I sent her a copy for her portfolio.
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Sometimes I wonder just how far I can push myself, and then I push myself a little farther. It helps, sometimes, when I have someone I can legitimately blow up at a little, like this woman who keeps calling here playing phone games. I understand the psychological term 'fugue state', because that's kind of what I've been in since May. A fugue state, where I left a former personality behind & picked up this insane alter-ego that now dominates who I am. So purely driven, driven on, day after day, this total immersion in a waking state, fueled by coffee. And because I'm awake all the time, I'm hungry all the time, so I'm getting fatter by the minute. Someone asked me "When's it due?" the other day - I looked down at my round toe-hiding gut, looked up at the clock & said, "Oh, about 5 or 6 hrs..."

Focus

Sep. 21st, 2004 04:45 pm
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Some days it feels like the world completely narrows down into a laser beam of awareness & intensity... and other days I just have a headache that won't go away.
Rosacea affects the eyes, too, which explains why over the years mine have been scratchier & more bloodshot. Of course, not sleeping much doesn't help matters. I did pretty good last night - went to bed at 10:30pm, eyes popped open of their own accord at 6:30am. 8 hrs to the second.
No day job tomorrow, instead I face the gynecologist - refill time for the birth control. Not my old guy - he left town, now it's a new guy who has a name that a writer or soap opera actor should have... Sheldon Paul. What kinda name is that for a doctor? Dr. Paul... yeesh.

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Rainbow Serpent Woman

August 2014

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