Surrender

Apr. 8th, 2010 07:20 am
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It's funny how the words used to define oneself change over time.

When I was younger, I used to be forceful, determined, stubborn, hard-headed... I was a force of nature. It didn't matter what it was, if I wanted to do it, I would do it and damn the consequences. There is a reason why large, powerful mammals appeal to me - I am a bull Goddess, a bear, a moose. I put my head down and charge, and I don't back away from lesser creatures, even when they run in packs and my flanks are heaving. I had the drive and stamina to push through and come out unscathed. I am still somewhat determined, somewhat forceful, but only with myself. I do not express discomfort, boredom, fatigue or frustration at work. To do so, to me, is a sign of weakness. Where I work, it's a good way to put out a welcome mat for everyone to step on and wipe their feet. I go to work, I do my job and if I cannot do my job without expressing some sign of emotion, I go hide in the bathroom take inventory or pick up used toners or something. This whole getting my degree thing has been a revisit to my younger days. No matter how much I've hated the past five years, I've stuck with it and done the work. It's coming to an end, and like most of my younger endeavors, the fruit is not worth the labor. I hate doing work for work's sake, I want some kind of reward at the end.

A part of me wants to stick around with my current employment, try to somehow prove myself as worthy to be even a humble computer help desk tech. I feel I was hired on false pretenses. I went to that interview guns blazing, full of expectations for my future. It was my opportunity to put my schooling to use. I wanted to be an 'entry level computer technician'. I am not a computer tech, or a help desk tech. I am an office assistant. I buy things, I deliver things, I pick things up, I move things, I count things. But I do not fix things. At least, not items of technology. Editing a Word document is not the same as tracing a software bug or prepping a server for deployment. A large part of me knows that unless I got a transfer out of this department and into say, the main Help Desk for Clark County, I would never be considered for anything more than what I'm doing now. It has nothing to do with budget cuts or layoffs or cost containment. It has nothing to do with my skills, which would have improved with practice and actually being allowed to use them. I'm a take-charge person, a self-starter, so it wasn't like I didn't try to push my way into things. I wanted to learn, to get experience, to get better. It mostly has to do with the supervisor and her delegation of skills and employees... It sounds like sour grapes, but she's had to compete with men for her entire career, and I think because she's struggled so long and hard to get where she's at that she somehow doesn't feel other women are up to the demands of better titles or bigger responsibilities. The guys in the office get the challenging projects, the collaborative efforts, the gratitude - and the girls get the secretarial tasks. It sounds like sour grapes, and I'll never try to push it with Admin, but everyone in the office knows it and feels the effects of the resentment and anger it's caused.

It's not all the actual job, though. All during the process of getting my degree, I've been learning something about learning. I need time in order to learn. I read the material, go over the coursework, take notes, retype the notes and redo the coursework in order to absorb what I'm being taught. Being in college and working has not left me much time at all to learn. As a result. I've found myself having to study to take the tests instead of learning anything. I cram all that crap into my brain, take the tests, pass the class and promptly push it out of my mind so I can shove in the next class. Even if I'd taken all these classes in person, it would have been the same way. Granted, it gives you class time, with lectures and presentations and a smattering of hands-on work, but most of it would have been the instructor going over the chapter instead of me reading and re-reading the chapter, taking and transcribing the notes. There's so much of what I went through over these 5 years that got thrown by the wayside because it wasn't pertinent to the exams, and a lot of stuff that is now completely obsolete. The stuff I did manage to learn wasn't part of my job description. Most modern help desks do not repair hardware. They buy new components & install them. I just diagnosed a problem (uh, why is your GPU running at 120ยบC? Is that smoke?!) and bought & installed a new GPU in Rob's PC. I was doing that before I got into school. At work, there's one guy who does all the hardware stuff. Mainly because it's all Dell computers, which are almost completely modular, and some things like monitors that are treated like FRUs. It also used to be that when you replaced hardware, there was some manual configuration that had to be done, drivers to install, that kind of thing. Now computers auto-detect hardware & install drivers automatically. I haven't manually installed a driver in years.

The end result of the past two years is this: I give up. I surrender. I let go of everything I had set my expectations on 5 years ago. I quit. I'm going back to something I know and something I know I can do. I can probably do it better now because I don't want anything in particular out of it. I'll go to work, I'll do my job, I'll try to have fun with my coworkers while I'm there, and after May 17th when I get my degree, instead of coming home to homework, I'll come home and play with the dog or play WoW, and I'll pay my fucking bills. Who knows, maybe if I score enough OT, we'll move to Washington or something.
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I need a new job. )
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I actually formulated a plan for work.

However, I don't know if I can pull it off, because I am a bear of very little brain.

We have copiers. We have printers. The copiers are not networked, the printers are. I have no idea why the copiers aren't networked. We did it at the Excalibur, and it was really handy.

So what I'm wondering is if we networked the copiers would it save us $$$ in the long run? As in, how pricey is the copier service & supplies vs how pricey are our printer supplies & maintenance.

I just don't know if I can show my work. I can come up w/a professional business plan, but teh maths, ugh.

Ah well. I'm kind of high right now - been on my feet for the past 3 days - we all moved around and I tend to just bend over & pick stuff up, tracking down scanners & running around w/the copier techs. Took some Darvocet because my hips & back are killing me. By Monday morning, this may all just seem like a bad idea.
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Servers are heavy. And so are printer trays when you drop one on your foot & it clips your ankle on the way down. My shoulders are sprung & my ankle is swollen.

I got into what is now my storage room at work today. Moved some crap around. There's been a server, some combo keyboard/monitor thingies & a bunch of rails sitting on a cart in there for the past couple of months. I finally asked why the Hell it was sitting in there & it was something we moved from somewhere else & had no place to put it, so on the cart it stayed.

Well, I need that cart, so I shelved everything. Except the server sitting on it - one of my coworkers had to do the heavy lifting on that. On the cart, it didn't feel like the cart was that weighted down, but when I braced the cart & tried to pick the server up, I threw all my weight into that sucker & it would not move. There were some smaller ones on another shelf - I had started to stack them until I noticed the shelf itself bowing & creaking under the weight, but that was like, 4 servers. This one behemoth on the cart probably weighed as much as 8 of those other ones I lugged around. The worst part was that I cleared a bottom shelf especially for the heavy-ass server & then had to staunchly defend my clean, neat empty shelf from people who wanted to put stuff on it. For months at a time, no one would go in the store room until I got into it to clean it up. Then I had a fucking audience. Or maybe they were shelf-vultures.

It gives me something to do at least. Sometimes I hate being chained to my desk & barricading myself in a store room to clean it up is almost liberating.
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Yesterday I was finally let off the hook at work. I still have my job, I've just got more and different responsibilities - more 'office assistant' and less 'help desk tech'. Which is fine.

Apparently they were panicking because I've been going on interviews :P They really can't afford to lose people because of the hiring freeze - I would not be replaced. So I'm not quite good enough to be invaluable to the 'team' but I'm too good to fire.

(Sometimes lj makes me feel like the ending of a Doogie Houser episode...)
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I think this is the last day of my less-unhappy meme. Which makes me a little less unhappy.

While picking up my gift for the office gift exchange tomorrow (Starbuck's Coffee Liqueur if you're wondering) I stepped on a rock in the Lee's Discount Liquor parking lot and my foot rolled on it & now my ankle looks like it's got saddlebags.

This post is mainly a custom filters test post...
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Reply to this post, and I'll tell you one reason why I like you. Then put this in your own journal, and spread the love!


One of the cooler aspect of my job is getting to film attorney classes and playing with new toys, like the snazzy RF mice we just got in. It has a laser pointer!
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We just had our safety inspector come around to evaluate our workspaces... I tend to sit on the edge of my seat because if I sit all the way back I end up slumped to the left because that's the direction my spine twists me into. She griped at me for this as apparently I'm supposed to be sitting all the way back in my chair w/my hands in a neutral typing position.

If I sit in my seat all the way back, with it up high enough to put my hands in a neutral position on the keyboard, my feet do not touch the floor. Which is kind of funny, since I get that image of Lily Tomlin playing the little girl in the big rocking chair on the Laugh-In.

I've been looking for a huge pilates ball to use as a chair at home, but all the ones I've encountered just don't put me up high enough. Bet they'd like that - me bringing in an enormous beachball to sit on.

I Voted

Oct. 20th, 2008 01:40 pm
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So now I have an official license to bitch about politics for the next 8 years.

In other news, the office is now going with a '70s Disco Theme'. Great.

Oh well, I now have 2 foam eggcrate mattress pads for my bed.

Scary...

Aug. 12th, 2008 11:08 am
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I think Trent Reznor & Owen Wilson were separated at birth...

Owen Wilson


Trent Reznor

Of course, it's hard to find a pic of Owen Wilson not pursing his lips, or one of Trent Reznor smiling.

I have too much free time on my hands.
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My feet hurt. That is all.

L2P n00b!

Jul. 21st, 2008 05:09 am
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I'm at work, watching the jail scan in cases into the old system, waiting for them to start scanning cases into the new system, and wondering why in the Hel did I come to work at 4am if I was just going to be stuck in my cube?

My Druid is a lvl 43. It's probably the fastest I've leveled a character up. Of course, I'd gotten her to a 20 before we seriously started playing w/her & Rob's priest. Been reading the WoW page over at Blizzard, and they're going to be doing something with WotLK I'm stoked about - Achievements. It adds some solo content to a game that's been in desperate need of solo content. A way for the average casual player to enhance their toon w/out trying to pug Kara. I'm having a pretty good time w/a feral druid - I stick to cat form (Blizz also needs to add some sexual dichotomy to their Druid shapeshifted forms... my female Tauren in cat form is a male maned lion... with horns) & I'm getting pretty good at stealthing and using my stealth attacks. The crits are sweet - I am such a dps whore. I just run around killing shit & not having to worry about my gear all that much. I looooove cheetah form, too, but Blizz kind of killed my advantage w/the lvl 30 mounts. I could get a mount, but I'm trying to get my rep up w/Org so I can get a wolf, since I think kodos are hideous and too huge.

I would much rather be at home in bed.

Penny Arcade's latest sort of sums it all up: L2P Nub!
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Just so everyone knows... I'm not going to be around much next week. I'm going to work tomorrow, and starting Sunday night/Monday morning, I'm going to be working 12-hour days for at least a week. Tonight I am forsaking everything for lots of WoW and tequila, so if you get weird e-mails from me or replies to posts, I apologize in advance.

We're taking the new program live on Monday, and I'm the primary liaison between program & users, so I'm going to be one of the first up against the wall when the revolution comes.

Nothing like going in to work for OT with a roaring hangover ;)

Blagargh!

Mar. 12th, 2008 04:26 pm
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Have I told anyone recently how much I hate word processing?

Briefly

Mar. 11th, 2008 06:17 pm
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Rob went to get an ultrasound of his nuts yesterday. After the tech left the room so he could get dressed, he started poking at the computer & found his testicle scan listed under "Small Parts".

Ouch.

Finally, finally, after close to a month of fussing with my song ratings, my Yahoo! streaming radio played Black Horse and the Cherry Tree. They (my new coworkers) have determined that I am no fun because I am immune to loud music (the office manager was out for a bit so I got treated to Metallica & Social Distortion blasting from two cubes at the same time) and I also rock because I like Social D. & Metallica, and I have been known to go to the Double Down on occasion.

I like when people tell me I rock.
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I'm having one of those days where I feel like I'm getting absolutely nothing accomplished. They are giving me waaaay more responsibility here than I want, but I'm too new to say no. Either that, or it's some kind of fiendish test... Let's see how much work we can pile on the new chick before she cracks...

I would like some new earrings. I would like one pair w/an otter, and one pair w/a dolphin. You'd think it'd be fairly easy, but honestly, most of the stuff I've seen online is just crap. So I'm considering something that I normally wouldn't. I'm thinking about getting some supplies & attempting to make my own earrings. My main problem is the little silver animal charms. All the stuff online looks like crap because they seem to be getting all their danglies from the same suppliers or something. Gah. Metalsmithing is definitely NOT my forte. Been shopping on eBay. Scary.

At least today we had cake.

Gonna die!

Mar. 3rd, 2008 09:07 am
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Agh, the stairs, they steal my soles!

The line at the courthouse for the elevators at 9am is enough to make a grown woman cry!
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Well, my over-powered never-able-to-use-it-to-its-full-potential computer has already begun the long slide into obsoletion.

I bought Rob the new(ish) Overlord game. It's been out about a year. It let Rob install it, but he couldn't play it. So I tried to install it on my system, and I got a message saying that my computer does not have the necessary requirements - I can install it, but I won't enjoy it. Rob probably got the same message, too, but probably didn't read it & clicked right past it. Had to get a DVD-Rom for Rob's pc, too - the disc was a DVD. Geez.

Today I got my account at the new job to begin testing the system we're in the process of implementing. Within 5 minutes of attempting to log on for the first time, my account was revoked. The sys admin had to re-instate my account & told me I'd make a lousy hacker - my default new user password was my name - I'd gotten my original account revoked due to numerous tries of 'newuser' as the password. :P Another d'oh! Testing is going to be incredibly tedious and our justice system is going to be full of cartoon characters doing heinous acts because we have to test on the live site. However, it will be a change from Word processing.

Well, I'm tired, and going to bed now.

Peace.
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I survived my first day. The office is extremely subdued, and filled with Alliance scum. At the Excalibur, I'm the 'Mistress of Darkness', at the DA's office, I'm 'Carebear' because I play on a PvE server. Plargh! But I've filled out a ton o' paperwork, gotten a badge that doesn't open doors yet, been fingerprinted and spent the rest of the day debugging online templates. And here I figured they'd start me out on the phone since this is a 'Help Desk'.

It's all an adventure & Eleggua & Mama Muerte got their cigars & candles as a thank you. I also got the Better Homes & Gardens Biggest Book of Diabetic Recipes - Rob is excited about it because on the cover is a picture of puff pastry covered in berries & cream.

Anxious

Feb. 10th, 2008 02:52 pm
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Do you ever feel like the Universe is conspiring with you?

I mean, my plan actually worked & Coyote hasn't laughed yet.

Starting with the decision to take the path of least resistance for once & get a degree in the IT field... then I dropped to part time, giving me time to look for other jobs and work on my school. It's also given me time to sort of wean myself from my dependence on the night audit position and a steady income (yeah, it's been kind of rough since November)... It's easy to get comfortable somewhere and then never make changes because, well, it's comfy. I know everybody, everybody knows me. My cube was a safe haven.

And then I get a full-time job with the County (it's only taken me 7 years - about the same amount of time I've been working for the Excalibur (huh, imagine my surprise). And not only is it a job w/the County, it's in the IT department.

Last night I got Vesta from the Goddess Oracle & Frog from the Medicine Wheel. Frog's popped up recently (thanks, Moonvoice :D ), and in the Medicine Wheel Frog is feminine and linked strongly with the rain, cleansing and renewal. Basically, Frog tells me I've cleaned house a little and now it's time for me to get some refreshment and a new start of the soul. Vesta tells me "there have been healthy changes in your household". Basically, the answer to "Why is the Universe conspiring with me?" is "Because it's time".

It's kind of nerve-wracking though. I'm not used to this and I keep waiting to hear Coyote off in the distance.

In other news, I've been working on my chakras a little. When we first go to bed, Rob usually lays down with me & then he gets up & goes to his own bed. I've been laying there next to him & trying to channel energy to give to him. I can't ever start at the base of my spine because I can't break the barrier caused by the kinked vertebrae, so I've had to start with the top of my head. Which opens my brain to all sorts of hypnagogic imagery, but that's ok. I let it flow to my throat & then to my heart. I try to visualize my chakras working like some sort of water wheel of golden light - it fills the crown lotus, which pours into my throat lotus which in turn pours into my heart lotus & then I try to send all that golden flowing healing energy to Rob, wrapping him into a little golden cocoon of safety and health. And then I never get any farther because I fall asleep.

Tomorrow is my first day at the County - wish me luck!

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