Mar. 15th, 2008

perzephone: (Default)
In my depression tribe, a lot of people have a severe self-esteem problem. They constantly remind themselves of their unworthiness, their invalidity, how they are fuck-ups, how they'll never amount to anything - and they hate themselves on top of it. I was thinking to myself the other day that unlike many people with depression, I don't have ego problems. At least not negative ego problems. I like myself. I am fairly content with my own personality. I may not be satisfied with where I am or what I am doing, but I am generally satisfied with myself. I can receive love and gentleness from myself. I don't have this overwhelming urge to beat myself up anymore or punish myself. I am still learning how to take a compliment - it's easier if the compliment is along the lines of 'Wow, those are cute shoes!' than if it's 'Hey, that was a great bug you found', but I'm working on it.

Then I realized that I don't know why I like myself. I haven't done anything special or notable, I have no fancy achievements, I can't honestly say I'm a winner or that I'm talented or especially worthy of anything. It makes me wonder if that's what they're talking about when they say depression gives people a low sense of self-worth or if I'm being realistic. I haven't done anything with my entire life, what is there to be excited or proud of? Like many other depressives, I do compare myself to other people... I just thought, it'd be different if I came out of a poverty-stricken household, worked hard during highschool and created a company that made positive differences in the world.

Sometimes I don't know if I'm actually depressed or if I'm just brutally realistic.


perzephone: (Default)
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