Jul. 17th, 2008

perzephone: (Default)
It's a failing that I have that I don't put much stock in online relationships. I seem to feel that anyone I have contact with online is an acquaintance and I withhold from forming any deep attachment to people. I don't IM strangers, and when people I don't know IM me, I usually discourage them from contacting me again. I am civil, but distant. The thought of actually falling in love w/someone I met online is absurd to me. More and more, though, this electronic medium is how people communicate.

It's even more bizarre because one of my best friends, Ann, aka The Rat, and I have maintained a long-distance friendship via snail-mail and e-mail for 18 years. That's a long fucking time. Lisa & I have been IRL friends for years, and have been blog/e-mail friends for just as long. I've been posting, and reading, some of your posts for 5 years. That's a long time to consider someone an acquaintance.

A friend of mine on here has PTSD and it's hard for her to be physically close to people. A lot of her IRL friends get mad at her because she's not physically around, she doesn't go out, she doesn't host get-togethers... and no one around her can seem to accept that she's honestly, genuinely sick, that PTSD is a real disorder, with real symptoms, and it hampers her from doing things she once enjoyed.

I can kind of relate (even if it's far less disabling than PTSD) because of my constant depression (and honestly, after spending the past 7 years on the Strip, I'm kind of burned out on being around people. I want to spend a lot of time alone. My cube here at my new job is a safe haven of separation for me and this past week has been killing me because I've been stuck in another department with people who resent my presence, which is a lot like being at the Excalibur. I've also discovered that when school is in session, that's all I can concentrate on - work and school. Even when I'm at work, I'm taking my assignments with me to work on during lunch... Even WoW goes away). My depression and the resulting reclusiveness have been getting worse over the years, and I am never happy or energetic. I'm always tired and achey and I lack patience and snap at people. I don't think it's fair to anyone to have to put up with my shit. Rob puts up with a lot from me, and he still thinks I'm the best person he'll ever get, and that just makes me feel even worse. I can't imagine what it must be like for him knowing that he can never make me happy, and he doesn't understand when I tell him it's not his job to make me happy. I'm either going to get around to getting help with my broken brain and maybe get better, or I'm going to continue down this path until I finally get to the point where I decide to risk suicide, and it's not his fault because I was this way before I met him. So when I think about all that he has to put up with from me and because of me, I don't want to push that on anyone else. Especially because realistically, my life is not that bad. I have a job, I have a roof over my head, the lights are on and there are people I know who have things way rougher than I do. A lot of people I know, like Jody, constantly complain about their lives - their health, their money, their love lives, and sometimes in person or on the phone, I just don't have the sympathy to handle it in a compassionate manner. Online, though, I can think things through, I can edit my initial responses, and I can be open and truthful without being hurtful.

I have been noticing, mainly here on livejournal, I have developed feelings of attachment to a good number of people. I miss them when they don't post for awhile. I worry about their health and life circumstances... I get kind of butt-hurt when no one responds to any of my posts while I make the effort to respond to theirs. I feel bad for them when they go through rough times, and I get angry when I hear that people have hurt them. I'm starting to think that having friends that are solely online friends is plausible and may even be possible, and quite fulfilling.

So please, if you feel I've been holding you off at arms length, or you'd like me to e-mail you instead of lurking around on lj, let me know. Or if you want my e-mail addy you can message me through lj's message system. I gotta admit, I deleted all my IM programs because I rarely use them but I could probably be persuaded into reloading trillian into my computer.


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Rainbow Serpent Woman

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