Arghfiguahelfghuoisg!!!
Jan. 25th, 2008 09:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
perzephone
I think my ulcer is coming back. No, I know my ulcer is flaring up.
I know I've been praying for change, but... I think I'm too old for this. I like filling out job applications and going to interviews, but then someone has to go & offer me a job & I fucking fall apart. How dare they?
Can't sleep & all I want to do is eat to make the fire in my stomach feel better. But of course, it won't feel better no matter how much or what I eat because it's an ulcer. Four cups of coffee today probably isn't helping matters, either, even if they were spread apart. It's either coffee or booze and I am trying to get through the first week or so of my new classes so I can't sit around drunk for the next two weeks. And the alcohol would put my belly in even more pain. Blagrghr! A part of me just wants to quit the Excalibur but Rob is dependent on the insurance right now. I avoided phone calls from work today & I have to get at least 2 more days in this month just for the insurance. Then there's the whole thing about what if I actually do enjoy working at the DA's office and I do start to move up w/the County - will I honestly want to leave Las Vegas at that point? The good thing is that I can spread my classes out a little more once I am working for the county because if I pass probation I'd like to get at least a year of experience in an entry-level IT position.
I may just give up for the night & play WoW for awhile.
On another note, Rob & I were talking about reincarnation. Death is still weighing heavy on his mind, mainly because of statistics. Diabetics have a 40% increased risk of heart attacks over normal people. He's going to have to add watching his cholesterol to the diet as well as keeping on top of carbs. I gave him Jonathan Livingston Seagull to read. When I think back, it's really the first thing that introduced me to the concept of the Ain Soph Aur, Limitless Light, and the soul's persistence. He was wondering if reincarnation spreads over time - maybe why he feels so out of place in this time is because he hasn't been incarnate since the Middle Ages. Who knows, honestly, but I think it's possible. I know I've lived before, never as anyone famous or anything. I think the soul does have the ability to skip around in time a little - just because our physical human brains need a linear time structure doesn't mean it applies to our souls. I believe I was either a Neanderthal or a Cro-Magnon, or maybe just an ancient human. Primitive tools seem comfortable in my hands, I am comfortable in lodge-like environments surrounded by animal skins and smoky fires, I know what certain symbols mean without needing a caption. I can hunt and fish, clean my kills, preserve and cook them with little or no modern conveniences (but damn I do love indoor plumbing and modern kitchen conveniences - I could survive in a post-Apocalyptic world, but I honestly do not want to - I want electricity and am willing to pay for it). I'm also physically built more like a primitive person than a modern one. Short, stocky, low forehead, sturdy. Give me a stick & a rock and that's my tool kit. When I read the Clan of the Cave Bear books it was with a sense of recognition and sometimes a feeling like Jean Auel had no idea what she was talking about in some parts. Same with all the People of the... series, but those were somewhat better researched. I've had two different Paiutes tell me I had an Indian's soul and then give me funny looks from the corners of their eyes - like, "Oh great, the white people stole our land & now they're stealing our souls..."
I also remember things - I remember mammoths. I also remember seeing huge fucking condors and cowering a little because they could be a threat to a full grown human. I've seen the Northern Lights - even though I've never seen them in this lifetime. I also remember a time when the stars were in different places... Orion has moved, but back then he wasn't Orion, and the Big Dipper was still the Great Bear, but not where it is now, not fully anyway. The North Star is a constant. I remember net fishing in a great river. I remember seeing people chanting, dancing & drumming in a fever dream, but I was too sick to get up and join in. I remember being afraid because they were singing a song and dancing a pattern reserved for someone who was dying. There is a vision of a horse from that time, which is weird because it blended with a demon or maybe an antelope because at that point I'd never seen a modern horse. It's stuck around... I see that same horse in my mind sometimes, racing riderless, its shadow chasing it across the dunes of the Sahara or Gobi desert, only now it's got Bedouin trappings and I know it's a grey Arabian.
I still have problems accepting basic scientific concepts, like what makes lightning and rainbows and earthquakes. I am supersitious about the sun - will it rise in the morning? Will life come back to the earth in Spring? If it gets eaten by the Moon-serpent, will it make it back alive from the serpent's egg? A part of me is more comfortable with thinking of time in seasons, clockless and calendarless. I need a calendar to live in the modern world because whether it's Monday or Saturday has little or no importance to me when left to my own devices. I can tell time - just not clock time, even though another compartment in my head knows exactly how every minute of my life has felt as it ticked by.
I remember fire and war and musket fire... screaming and confusion in the night, painted faces and the heavy scent of blood and burning flesh. I think I was a black man, so maybe a Jamaican or Haitian revolution or a slave uprising, or maybe I was a slave during the American Revolution, or a buffalo soldier. I remember buffalo, few and far between. I remember buffalo heads and robes. I remember circuses featuring 'Indians', and somewhere in my head is a middle-aged Chinese man who was beaten & shot outside a saloon & everyone just stepped over him like his corpse was so much trash.
I've lived more recently, too. Like around the 20's or 30's in this century. I was a gangster's girlfriend or wife or maybe a very close cousin. Chicago, not New York or Italian/Sicilian. We spent a lot of time on the run, on the road, 'borrowing' cars or hitch-hiking. I know my first name was Elizabeth or Eliza - Elsa seems too exotic. I remember it being a very hot summer and we were in the middle of the freaking Dust Bowl and he stole a mule that died of dehydration a few days later. He made me walk for those days, too, since the soles of his shoes were gone and the ground was hot.
A small, slim part of me thinks I was alive during the Vietnam war... I dreamt about that life, which is part of what has me thinking all this - reading my past lj entries about my sporadic dreams. But another part of me thinks that being alive during the 60's is just wishful thinking on my part.
I don't think I ever lived in Egypt, I don't fully believe in Atlantis, and I know I was never Morgan la Fey. I may have very well been Greek or Roman at some point. Sometimes the pasts seem very close to this time, and other times I feel once-born. I haven't met many people who gave off that instant flash of recognition... I knew Rob before, somewhere... I met a kid at the library who knew me - he was vaguely familiar, like an old friend. He was one of those creepy kids who remember a lot. He was telling me about the Civil War when his mom came up almost at a run & began bitching at him for talking to strangers & acting like a weird little kid in public & apologizing for his behavior. I felt bad for him, but she was a blonde, bland soccer-mom type, so what was I supposed to do? What gets me are the fact that two famous men seem so familiar to me, like I know them intimately and I knew who they were before they were who they are now. I also had a teacher in high school in Washington - we knew each other instantly as either mother/daughter or sister/sister. We knew we were related, at any rate. I think I've always had a problem with remembering people's names, it's something I've carried with me for the longest time.
Wow. My stomach has loosened up some. Nice. Of course, now that I recognized that it loosened up, it immediately spasmed and the fire flared up. I can go for an hour or so without thinking about the DA's job, but then my mind-hamster gets back on the wheel for another spin.
I know I've been praying for change, but... I think I'm too old for this. I like filling out job applications and going to interviews, but then someone has to go & offer me a job & I fucking fall apart. How dare they?
Can't sleep & all I want to do is eat to make the fire in my stomach feel better. But of course, it won't feel better no matter how much or what I eat because it's an ulcer. Four cups of coffee today probably isn't helping matters, either, even if they were spread apart. It's either coffee or booze and I am trying to get through the first week or so of my new classes so I can't sit around drunk for the next two weeks. And the alcohol would put my belly in even more pain. Blagrghr! A part of me just wants to quit the Excalibur but Rob is dependent on the insurance right now. I avoided phone calls from work today & I have to get at least 2 more days in this month just for the insurance. Then there's the whole thing about what if I actually do enjoy working at the DA's office and I do start to move up w/the County - will I honestly want to leave Las Vegas at that point? The good thing is that I can spread my classes out a little more once I am working for the county because if I pass probation I'd like to get at least a year of experience in an entry-level IT position.
I may just give up for the night & play WoW for awhile.
On another note, Rob & I were talking about reincarnation. Death is still weighing heavy on his mind, mainly because of statistics. Diabetics have a 40% increased risk of heart attacks over normal people. He's going to have to add watching his cholesterol to the diet as well as keeping on top of carbs. I gave him Jonathan Livingston Seagull to read. When I think back, it's really the first thing that introduced me to the concept of the Ain Soph Aur, Limitless Light, and the soul's persistence. He was wondering if reincarnation spreads over time - maybe why he feels so out of place in this time is because he hasn't been incarnate since the Middle Ages. Who knows, honestly, but I think it's possible. I know I've lived before, never as anyone famous or anything. I think the soul does have the ability to skip around in time a little - just because our physical human brains need a linear time structure doesn't mean it applies to our souls. I believe I was either a Neanderthal or a Cro-Magnon, or maybe just an ancient human. Primitive tools seem comfortable in my hands, I am comfortable in lodge-like environments surrounded by animal skins and smoky fires, I know what certain symbols mean without needing a caption. I can hunt and fish, clean my kills, preserve and cook them with little or no modern conveniences (but damn I do love indoor plumbing and modern kitchen conveniences - I could survive in a post-Apocalyptic world, but I honestly do not want to - I want electricity and am willing to pay for it). I'm also physically built more like a primitive person than a modern one. Short, stocky, low forehead, sturdy. Give me a stick & a rock and that's my tool kit. When I read the Clan of the Cave Bear books it was with a sense of recognition and sometimes a feeling like Jean Auel had no idea what she was talking about in some parts. Same with all the People of the... series, but those were somewhat better researched. I've had two different Paiutes tell me I had an Indian's soul and then give me funny looks from the corners of their eyes - like, "Oh great, the white people stole our land & now they're stealing our souls..."
I also remember things - I remember mammoths. I also remember seeing huge fucking condors and cowering a little because they could be a threat to a full grown human. I've seen the Northern Lights - even though I've never seen them in this lifetime. I also remember a time when the stars were in different places... Orion has moved, but back then he wasn't Orion, and the Big Dipper was still the Great Bear, but not where it is now, not fully anyway. The North Star is a constant. I remember net fishing in a great river. I remember seeing people chanting, dancing & drumming in a fever dream, but I was too sick to get up and join in. I remember being afraid because they were singing a song and dancing a pattern reserved for someone who was dying. There is a vision of a horse from that time, which is weird because it blended with a demon or maybe an antelope because at that point I'd never seen a modern horse. It's stuck around... I see that same horse in my mind sometimes, racing riderless, its shadow chasing it across the dunes of the Sahara or Gobi desert, only now it's got Bedouin trappings and I know it's a grey Arabian.
I still have problems accepting basic scientific concepts, like what makes lightning and rainbows and earthquakes. I am supersitious about the sun - will it rise in the morning? Will life come back to the earth in Spring? If it gets eaten by the Moon-serpent, will it make it back alive from the serpent's egg? A part of me is more comfortable with thinking of time in seasons, clockless and calendarless. I need a calendar to live in the modern world because whether it's Monday or Saturday has little or no importance to me when left to my own devices. I can tell time - just not clock time, even though another compartment in my head knows exactly how every minute of my life has felt as it ticked by.
I remember fire and war and musket fire... screaming and confusion in the night, painted faces and the heavy scent of blood and burning flesh. I think I was a black man, so maybe a Jamaican or Haitian revolution or a slave uprising, or maybe I was a slave during the American Revolution, or a buffalo soldier. I remember buffalo, few and far between. I remember buffalo heads and robes. I remember circuses featuring 'Indians', and somewhere in my head is a middle-aged Chinese man who was beaten & shot outside a saloon & everyone just stepped over him like his corpse was so much trash.
I've lived more recently, too. Like around the 20's or 30's in this century. I was a gangster's girlfriend or wife or maybe a very close cousin. Chicago, not New York or Italian/Sicilian. We spent a lot of time on the run, on the road, 'borrowing' cars or hitch-hiking. I know my first name was Elizabeth or Eliza - Elsa seems too exotic. I remember it being a very hot summer and we were in the middle of the freaking Dust Bowl and he stole a mule that died of dehydration a few days later. He made me walk for those days, too, since the soles of his shoes were gone and the ground was hot.
A small, slim part of me thinks I was alive during the Vietnam war... I dreamt about that life, which is part of what has me thinking all this - reading my past lj entries about my sporadic dreams. But another part of me thinks that being alive during the 60's is just wishful thinking on my part.
I don't think I ever lived in Egypt, I don't fully believe in Atlantis, and I know I was never Morgan la Fey. I may have very well been Greek or Roman at some point. Sometimes the pasts seem very close to this time, and other times I feel once-born. I haven't met many people who gave off that instant flash of recognition... I knew Rob before, somewhere... I met a kid at the library who knew me - he was vaguely familiar, like an old friend. He was one of those creepy kids who remember a lot. He was telling me about the Civil War when his mom came up almost at a run & began bitching at him for talking to strangers & acting like a weird little kid in public & apologizing for his behavior. I felt bad for him, but she was a blonde, bland soccer-mom type, so what was I supposed to do? What gets me are the fact that two famous men seem so familiar to me, like I know them intimately and I knew who they were before they were who they are now. I also had a teacher in high school in Washington - we knew each other instantly as either mother/daughter or sister/sister. We knew we were related, at any rate. I think I've always had a problem with remembering people's names, it's something I've carried with me for the longest time.
Wow. My stomach has loosened up some. Nice. Of course, now that I recognized that it loosened up, it immediately spasmed and the fire flared up. I can go for an hour or so without thinking about the DA's job, but then my mind-hamster gets back on the wheel for another spin.
