Namaste, Bitches

The motion-sensor light in the backyard came on a while ago, and now I'm all freaked out. Especially because not long after, one of the snakes decided to have a hissy-fit. A neighbor's dog sporadically barks, one of the behind-us neighbors motion-sensor lights was also on... I hate this prickly feeling. Start hearing things click off the windows, the roof creaks, the a/c makes the house thump. Crap.

When I had created my 'kiyotesong' journal, I had made all these tables of magical herbs & their correspondences. I swear, as I created them, I deleted my original documents from my computer...

I was looking to see what all I could clean out of my documents since the semester has ended, and all the magical herb stuff is still there on my hard drive.

I am seriously losing my mind.

I also played hooky from physical therapy this afternoon. Rob & I watched Full Metal Alchemist: Conqueror of Shamballa tonight. It was okay. I think I would have preferred it to just be 4 or 5 more of the series episodes instead of crammed into a 2-hour movie.

(My back hurts... this should have been Wednesday's post but I whined to tribe instead:

I'm starting to wonder if maybe I've got anxiety more than depression. Or maybe anxiety is compounding my depression?

It's all the physical therapist's fault, really. She has been doing deep-tissue massage on my right leg to help the muscles respond to treatment so that my leg will be strong & support my knee more than it was before the surgery. She hits these nerves & tendons that go up the back of my leg & I just want to leap off the bench and run screaming into the desert. It freaking hurts so bad! I always do the stretches & exercises before she works on me, so I should be 'warmed up' & 'loosened up'. I can feel the tendons easing a little when I do the hamstring stretches, but by the time I go to the bench for her to work on me, it's like high tension wires again. She threatened to work on my left leg today & I was like, "no, that won't be necessary..." I've never gone to a professional masseuse or had a spa treatment because I'm literally afraid for anyone to rub me. I know it's going to hurt all over. In fact, I'm in muscular pain 99% of the time anymore, even in muscles that I've always used and muscles that should be relaxed. I ache constantly, all over. Doesn't matter how active or inactive I am, I just hurt continually.

I know part of it is my knees & my lower back. When your support system is out of whack, it can throw your entire body out of whack, but my scoliosis isn't that bad yet, and my knees have been out of whack for a loooong time - the ol' flesh & bones should be used to it by now.

The p.t. asked me if I was afraid to relax, & no, that's not it. I just can't relax. I chant mantras, I stretch, I do yoga, I have a balance ball. I do those relaxation techniques where you start with your toes & work your way up, one body part at a time. By the time I reach my knees, my toes have tensed up again. No matter how drunk I get, there's always a string of vague worries floating around in my brain. I can't escape, I have no releases, it's just always there. So I decided to check out the symptoms of anxiety...

Excessive, ongoing worry and tension - well, isn't that what I just described?
An unrealistic view of problems - not sure if my view of my problems is all that unrealistic.
Restlessness or a feeling of being "edgy" - constantly.
Irritability - heh, ask my husband & coworkers about this one.
Muscle tension - ask my p.t.
Headaches - Not so much anymore. I used to get horrible migraines til I started taking beta-blockers for my high b.p. Now it's almost a relief to get a headache because I know it's just a headache, probably due to sinus pressure or eyestrain, not a migraine that's going to make me go blind, puke my toenails up & land me in a dark closet for three days. If I run out of my b.p. pills & can't get 'em refilled for a couple of days I'm in for a beating, though.
Sweating - Not so much. I usually panic if I sweat. If I sweat, it's because I'm exercising & that's cause for panic in my book.
Difficulty concentrating - oh, hey, look, a chicken! No, this isn't one of my problems usually, but sometimes I find I have hyper-concentration where I'll be so focused on one thing that I can't unfocus to multi-task anything else.
Nausea - not so much. I have an ulcer, though.
The need to go to the bathroom frequently - nah, got that one under control.
Tiredness - all the time. I'm horribly, horribly alert, but always tired.
Trouble falling or staying asleep - I take a pill for this. It hasn't been working lately. I haven't been dreaming much lately, either - so I know it's not working as well as it should be.
Trembling - sometimes
Being easily startled - oh yeah. I'd like to stop being easily startled, too. I'm jumpy as fuck.

So that's basically 9 out of 14. I wonder if there's an online quiz that could give me a definitive diagnosis, lol.)

1. Can you cook?
I'm cooking with gas, baby!

2. What was your dream growing up?
To be a dinosaur hunter - or a cowboy.

3. What talent do you wish you had?
Any talent, really...

4. Favorite place?
Carmel-by-the-Sea

5. Favorite vegetable?
Wow, this is a toughie... I actually do like green leafy things... brussel sprouts?

6. What was the last book you read?
Pronoia is the Antidote to Paranoia by Rob Breszny

7. What zodiac sign are you?
Capricorn (with a Pisces Moon)

8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
Why, yes.

9. Worst habit?
Nose pickin'.

10. Do we know each other off line?
Probably not. I only talk to one IRL person on here... small social circle, really.

11. What is your favorite sport?
Horse racing

12. Negative or Optimistic attitude?
Realistically Pessimistic.

13. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
Being the practical sort, I'd open the little call box & get in touch with someone on the outside... that or start praying to the Great God Otis. Nothing against you, but spending time in an elevator waiting to get to the next floor is an inefficient use of time, and generally if I'm in an elevator it's because I'm delivering paperwork or trying to get to/from lunch. If it's after my lunchtime, you'll probably survive the encounter none the worse for wear.

14. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
The realization that I was a perfectly normal, everyday, average human being with no super-hero mutations, no god-like power, no talent, no future and no potential.

15. Tell me one weird fact about you:
For years & years I used to tell people my name was Daisy.

16. Do you have any pets?
Yes.

17. Do you know how to do the Macarena?
Thank the Gods, no... but I do find the song itself catchy and somewhat hip-shaking.

18. What time is it where you are now?
11:13pm, PST

19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
Scary. Very, very scary.

20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be???
My skin.

21. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
Partner in crime. Friends bail you out - real friends are sitting in the cell next to you saying, "Damn that was fun! When are we getting together again?"

22. What color eyes do you have?
Hazel.

23. Ever been arrested?
Yes. Nothing stuck, including the handcuffs.

24. What is your favorite drink?
Brewed unsweetened iced tea

25. If you won $10,000 dollars today, what would you do with it?
Pay off my credit cards yet again.

26. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew?
I'm pretty stuck on Orbit's Citrus flavor right now

27. What's your favorite place to hang at?
Home sweet home. Used to be Cafe' Espresso Roma, though. Or the Huntridge.

28. Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes.

29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
Sleep. And World of Warcraft.

30. Do you swear a lot?
Yes, motherfucker. I swear if one more person asks me this...

31. Biggest pet peeve?
People who have no consideration for people behind them when they go through a door, and people who stand right in front of the elevator door when it opens.

32. In one word, how would you describe yourself?
Grouchy.

33. Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
The proof is before you.

I just got up from a nap. My sleep (and Rob's sleep) schedules have been completely fubar'd for no apparent reason. Stayed up all day yesterday, went to bed at like, 5 or 6pm, got up around 2am, stayed up til 6pm today, took a nap. I haven't taken my Elavil in two days so I'm kind of freaked out to begin with, but both last night & tonight I was awoken by the weird noise factor. Last night I laid in bed looking intently at my bedroom window for almost an hour because I hearlucinated the perfect sound of fingers sliding on glass, complete w/a cool draft from that corner - as if someone had jimmied open my window. Because I'm scared of the dark & also of reality, I wasn't able to get up out of bed to actually check the window. Finally I forced myself to turn my light on & just get the Hel up outta bed. Tonight, I was just twitchy, kept waking up in a panic only to fall back asleep. Finally, I started seeing the reflections of red & blue flashing lights & hearing cop voices over mikes... of course, there was no one in our neighborhood being arrested, but Metro's chopper patrol was flying around outside spotlighting everyone's yards. I know the audio-visual effects are partly from trying to sleep at weird times & partly because of no Elavil, so I'm not overly concerned. I called in sick tonight, too, because I knew w/the weird schedule of my weekend, I wasn't getting any sleep today & I just didn't want to go into work like this. I'm hoping I can force myself into bed around 10am & get up at like 4 in the afternoon. I'll be tired & cranky, but it should reset my clock.

Oh I hate this house,
And this house hates me,
We live together in
Perfect animosity...

We just had a very short black-out. First, my computer stopped responding - not weird considering that most peoples' myspace profiles are too graphics-heavy for my dial-up to handle. Then I heard a loud 'thump', accompanied by a low vibration, the lights went out and I sat here in the dark. Pitch black dark, really. I mean, a complete, total, 100% lack of any light natural or otherwise. The main disadvantage to being a night person is that all our windows block out light. All light. Another disadvantage to being a night person is that preparing for bed & sleeping when it's light outside has left me childlike in my fear of the dark. All the hairs stood up on my body & head and my bladder sort of jumped up into the empty space left when all my other internal organs leaped about two inches away from their proper spaces. In other words, the sudden unexpected removal of all electrical stimuli scared the living crap outta me. Then, just when I thought I was going to start bawling like a little baby, there was another loud 'thump' & the lights came back. Thank the Gods!

I still sat here, momentarily stunned. The house started making cracking noises as the air pressure changed in response to the a/c shutting off & then coming back on, which startled me. I finally got control over my legs enough to do a once-over & reset all the clocks to their corresponding time zones... I kept making kissy noises at Rob, but he didn't even roll over, leading me to believe that whoever cut out the lights may have already entered the house, silently killed Rob & left as I sat here trying to talk some sense into myself.

Ed is shedding & restless, so I at least have some companionship, but his hissing at things invisible or unknown to me makes me more nervous than I already am.

I hate this house - the noises, the atmosphere, the weird angles of its architecture. There is not enough Vesta powder or protection spells in the world to ever make me feel comfortable here. It's a creepy fucking house, and I know it's responding to my dislike towards it because it doesn't like me either. Neither I nor the house want to 'shake hands & make friends'. The house is winning, tho - all I can really do is refuse to clean it or maintain it - it's got the upper hand because it can make me feel very uncomfortable.

I have taken some positive steps - I have a doctor perfectly willing to let me have a lifetime prescription to Elavil, and I have stopped watching ghost movies. The Pazuzu episode after watching the last Exorcist movie was enough to convince me that I am too susceptible to suggestion, and I am not entirely convinced that Pazuzu has left our fireplace. Pazuzu doesn't sleep, He waits.

Here I digress for a moment: This new one coming out, 'Pulse'... not gonna happen in this house. Same went for that one about the water... Apparently, there's a 'Grudge 2' coming out - no way, no how. The remake of 'The Wicker Man' isn't exactly a ghost story, and when it hits the video store, I will probably watch it. The original one was interesting, and I've grown to appreciate it more since the time I first watched it. There's nothing quite like an old-fashioned human sacrifice...

Yanno, when your nerves are overwrought and you're nervous and invasive things have happened in your personal life, the last thing ya need is the whispery voice of something to sound over your right shoulder, from the vicinity of behind the couch, or possibly from the fireplace. At least it didn't say "Get out!" because I think I just might have gotten up and left without an argument. It sounded like it said, "What's this!?" but I don't really know. It's bad enough that I felt adrenaline surge through my body and every hair literally stand on end as though I had wrapped myself around a Tesla coil or something. I was sleepy, but not so much now.

Tomorrow we've got someone from Sprint to come out & check the lines - we've been having problems since the burglary - pick up the phone & get static, feedback & clicking noises instead of a dial tone. Talk to someone & have those weird clicking noises come through, almost like call waiting or if someone was pushing buttons on their phone, but neither party is. I don't know if the thieves tampered w/the phone lines or if the timing is coincidental, or maybe the Feds have our lines tapped. Beats me.

Speaking of beating, I've got a cast-iron skillet & a military baton next to my bed. I had a large comforter tacked up over my bedroom window, and I could just imagine if someone tried to enter my room through that window. They'd be tangled up in that comforter like a cat in a burlap sack and I could just beat the crap out of them with the iron skillet. Having been hit by a cast-iron skillet twice in the span of 15 minutes, it's advisable to just stay on the floor after the first time you get hit.

It rained on us today, and I'm at least content with that.

So much of life is sheer tedium. My knees hurt, my left hip hurts, my back aches and I've been so cold this past week. I'm actually wearing a long-sleeved night dress & sitting under a blanket & shivering. All I want to do is sleep. Nap on the couch, sleep in my bed. Can't eat meat right now, could barely choke down my baked sweet potato, no matter how much butter & brown sugar I doused it with. Textures, mouthfeel... I made some chorizo the other morning and it left this greasy coating on the inside of my mouth so thick it felt like wax. My poor guts. I'm worried but, well, I know I won't do anything about it - if there is something wrong there, oh well. If not, it's probably just an anxiety problem and will either get better or it won't.

I just don't want to be up & about, moving aimlessly around the house. Snapping at Rob, feeling like I should have just skipped the vacation & continued to work this week, for all I've gotten accomplished over the past few days. I want to hibernate.

Rob irritated me this afternoon, but I got to pet bunnies and hedgehogs and spiny mice. I think rabbits are possibly the softest, warmest things on earth. And they like me, or at least they like how I taste.