Rainbow Serpent Woman (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
perzephone) wrote2008-08-06 08:36 am
perzephone) wrote2008-08-06 08:36 am
Entry tags:
Thoughtforms and Familiars
(It smells like potting soil in the office today, but no one has any houseplants down here.)
When I was 13 and had moved to Tennessee to live w/my aunt & uncle, I began starting seriously studying witchcraft and ceremonial magic, I was taken by the idea of a familiar or fetch. Now, when you say 'familiar' most people think of black cats and toads, a physical animal who comes to you to act as a spiritual helper. When I first learned of the concept, it was more along the lines of something the witch created. A tangible thoughtform made manifest by will and concentration. It's completely different from a spirit guide or totem because those come from without.
I started out by imagining the kind of pet that I wanted in the 'real world', which was basically my skeletal dragon-like horse. Try as I might, I couldn't get her to manifest in her original form. I couldn't even get a horse to manifest. What I ended up with was a dark fuzzy ball of shadow. I found I could use it to find things under couches and behind bookcases. It didn't have great range at first, but it could follow behind me and give me an awareness of people walking behind me. It was kind of unfair because I had eyes in the back of my head basically. At first, I had to devote a lot of mental time thinking about it, visualizing it, feeding it on my own energy. It was tiring, especially considering just how much else I was doing at the time - learning the runes, dealing w/a new school, fucking everyone who looked at me twice, dealing w/my aunts & uncles & cousins (oh my!), sneaking out to listen to music downtown, drinking... and practicing witchcraft.
There were a couple times when I let my little black fuzzy ball fade to nothing. Things would interfere with my ability to concentrate on it, but it seemed like each time it was easier to bring back. It also seemed to take on newer shapes and a more solid form. I started giving it blood mixed with honey and whiskey, leaving it in a little bowl under the bed where my aunt wouldn't notice it. I was able to send it out further from the house, too, and I could stay with it. Everything was sort of strange in the fuzzy ball's vision - everything had an aura and it was like looking out a vaseline-covered lens. At first, I had to have quiet alone-time to do anything because it took all my concentration to stay with it and make it travel further, but eventually I could split myself off from it and do other things. It would also start trouble sometimes - it could muster up a little physical force & knock things over & bump into people... and I think it had teeth, tiny needly teeth & it would make its displeasure known at times - it never bit me but sometimes people would get too close to it & flinch away from me suddenly as if stung or nipped.
One night, laying in bed, I tried to send the black ball out and for the first time, it seemed to gain a will of its own. I lay there, struggling with it, trying to push it out away from me, but it stayed and took on the form of a rather large dog. My 14-year old mind called it a Dobermann, but later I realized it was a jackal. It surprised me, honestly, that my imaginary little black ball could fight back at all, and in its new shape it seemed to change the terms of our relationship - it was no longer a minion that I could send out to spy on people or look for loose change - now it was a companion, and a guardian. One night I woke up & there were two Dobermanns sitting at the foot of my bed.
For most of my teen-witch years, everywhere I went I was flanked by two spiritual dogs. I no longer had to concentrate on them at all, but I still gave them offerings, but looking back they probably didn't need to be fed at all. Generally, they acted as guardians, and I could give them commands to an extent. Instead of using my will to control them, it became a battle of wills - if I wanted to take a different route home from school and they didn't want me to, they would block my path and growl their silent growls at me. If I persisted I would feel nips at my ankles and wrists... but if I was determined enough, they would disappear and I'd usually walk into a bad neighborhood or run into an altercation of some sort - it got to be where they didn't have to resort to nipping at my heels. They had a great dislike for a couple of my boyfriends and it seemed like after a couple of late-night hookups followed by strings of incredibly bad luck, the guy would just stop being interested in me. I had one man tell me I gave him nightmares about giant dogs attacking him & another ceremonialist I had hooked up with called me & told me to 'call off my dogs'.
In real life, I've always encountered dogs that seemed to have a freakish loyalty to me. Cats could come & go, but I am a dog-person. When I moved back out to Vegas & in w/my sister Jody, we got this Australian Shepherd mix named Lady. She was supposed to be Jamie & Miranda's dog, but from day one she was latched to my side. I hooked up w/this guy, Robbie, in the trailer park we lived at. I had to put Lady outside & tie her up so he could come into the house. If she was inside & he tried to sit next to me, she would straddle my lap & snarl and growl at Robbie, all teeth bared. She could keep it up for hours, too. He tried to play-fight with me one time and I had to basically lay on top of Lady to keep her from eating him. She was a small dog, but in that moment it was like holding a 2-ton bear, all teeth and claws & foaming at the mouth. Later on there was Sneakers, who was Tom's dog til I moved in. He wasn't a bad-tempered or vicious dog unless I was walking him late at night & someone tried to talk to me. And the chow mix (I think her name was Nikita) I had when Rob & I first met - she hated Rob. I should have listened to her, lol. There have only been three dogs I've known that ever had anything against me & one was my aunt's cocker spaniel. She was terrified of me and I never did anything to her, but I think it was more that she was terrified of the jackals. Another was a purebred chow that Terry had - Sharmaine - she and I butted heads constantly, and the other was a three-legged hound that was the bane of joggers, cyclists & blackberry-picking children back in Washington.
In the astral, they were magnificent, huge, glowing amber eyes. In all the work I did with summoning spirits and entities, all the channelling, they were always there and little or nothing fucked with me. Not that anything tried but... all those teeth and that constant alert watchfulness. My dogs never slept, hah. I was always one step ahead of serious misfortune, as long as I listened to them, and I did learn to trust them because they were the little voice in the back of my head.
Those black jackals were my constant companions right up til about the time I was 22 or 23. They stuck with me through all the moves, all the trials and tribulations, my time in the Wicca classes, my handfasting & getting married to Rob... and then they gradually faded away. I took it to mean that I didn't need their protection or watchfulness anymore. I haven't even really thought about them until this past week or so. So, last night, as I lay in bed I summoned up their old images in my mind - and got nothing. I wasn't surprised, I think I would have been more surprised if they had appeared. I sent the thoughts out & asked the Universe if it felt I needed a guardian. I caught a flash of a dog-like head, but much sleeker & pointier than even the jackals were, and heard a feminine laughing 'No!'. Which is weird because usually Coyote's voice is masculine and twangy & the dog-face looked more coyote-like than fox-like. Next I asked if the Universe would provide a guardian if I ever needed one. Then I had a brief memory of a dream about a bear that I don't remember having.
I have been trying to do some astral projection & trying to find the rabbit-hole to the Otherworlds again, and I've been questioning any need for protection or a guardian of any kind, and I think I got an answer. Either I don't need any protection because I'm not going anywhere anytime soon (which is what I suspect) or I always have the bear-energy to call on. Bear never fears anything, except the gun and maybe a bigger bear. I'm generally not afraid of much... Yes, I have lingering fears of growing old and decrepit and losing my mind to dementia or Alzheimers, but that's more of an anxiety, one that looms large everytime I have to be around my in-laws. It would probably be different if I'd seen my own parents grow old instead of watching Rob's parents grow old from an outsider's point of view. I generally don't worry about further damage occurring to me on any other plane of existence because, well, I'm already spiritually broken. I have this feeling like there's nothing for me to offer anything. I also don't worry about possession because, hey, I've been there, done that. I know the mechanics behind possession and channeling. It's part of why I turned away from orthodox Wicca - I no longer wanted the 'magic circle' to be between me and the spiritual entities. I got some backlash while I was learning ceremonial magic - entities do not like to be imprisoned and then used, and if they get loose they will do what they can to make your life miserable, but honestly, there is very little a spiritual entity can do to someone on the physical plane.
I used to have a hard time w/a lot of the magic books, especially in Vodou, but there was some in the Wicca classes - they were forever talking about 'enemies'. I remember Robin telling everyone that it was possible to sever someone's 'silver chain', their link to their body, with the spiritual representation of an athame on the astral plane. And that you should never leave your hair on the salon floor because 'enemies' could use it against you. Same w/nail clippings. When I first heard the concept, it worried me... but then I realized that if I did have any enemies, chances were they did not practice witchcraft, Wicca or Vodou and I was relatively safe through ignorance. Maybe it was different a hundred years ago, or different for the slaves on the plantations, or in Haiti & Africa it may still be different - I mean, they still kill people suspected of practicing witchcraft in places in Africa. So maybe you do have to worry more about 'enemies' who will try to harm you through one means or another.
It seemed like most of my time in the Wicca classes was learning how to protect myself from anything and everything - negativity, energy vampires, malicious spirits and entities, unknown 'enemies' who would track my hair clippings down at a hair salon and use them against me... I learned a lot about how to manipulate my own energy, concentration and control and the ability to multi-task - one eye on the candle, the other on traffic, that kind of thing. I did learn how to protect my home from poltergeist energy and for awhile there I was still very concerned with sealing the house off from anything potentially harmful... it's funny because when we had the break-in, the theives went through & took all my crappy jewelry - except for anything with a pentagram on it or jewelry that was hanging on or around my altar. They didn't mess with my altar or my underwear drawers which are below my altar. They took all Rob's swords & knives, but not mine - which were on my altar. They didn't mess with anything on the mantle where Ariadne lives, along with Eleggua & Buddha. The house seals may have made the house a smaller target, but people still broke in undeterred. If anything, maybe I was too confident on oil and salt water to protect the premises, to the point where I never thought about the house being robbed at all. Never considered the possibility - until it happened. Since the burglary, well, we've put away anything eye-catching and put bars on the windows, but I haven't bothered to seal the place up. I haven't touched Vesta in years - even though I still threaten the cucuy in my closet with it on occasion. The house goms have gotten to be like the spiders - we just sort of live with them and the minor disruptions they cause. Now that we generally let them be, there seems to be a lot less disruption. The guy who lives in the walls still manages to break shit every now & again, but oh well.
It's kind of strange, but there's a part of me that feels protected, even against myself. It's part of why I gave up on suicide - something doesn't want me dead, at least not yet. Something watches out for me. It can't protect me from injuring myself in minor ways, like the torn cartilage in my knees, but it has protected me from a lot of the big stuff. I'm never where bad things happen anymore. When we got robbed, I was at work - pretty much stuck at work, too. I think I'd been called in because Alea called out sick. There are all kinds of smaller 'coincidences' that have had things falling into place in my life. Usually I'm so tired and annoyed all the time that I don't look at just how well things have gone for me over the past year or so, but in many ways they have. It's not quite like living a charmed life, lol, because otherwise I'd have hit Megabucks by now...
When I was 13 and had moved to Tennessee to live w/my aunt & uncle, I began starting seriously studying witchcraft and ceremonial magic, I was taken by the idea of a familiar or fetch. Now, when you say 'familiar' most people think of black cats and toads, a physical animal who comes to you to act as a spiritual helper. When I first learned of the concept, it was more along the lines of something the witch created. A tangible thoughtform made manifest by will and concentration. It's completely different from a spirit guide or totem because those come from without.
I started out by imagining the kind of pet that I wanted in the 'real world', which was basically my skeletal dragon-like horse. Try as I might, I couldn't get her to manifest in her original form. I couldn't even get a horse to manifest. What I ended up with was a dark fuzzy ball of shadow. I found I could use it to find things under couches and behind bookcases. It didn't have great range at first, but it could follow behind me and give me an awareness of people walking behind me. It was kind of unfair because I had eyes in the back of my head basically. At first, I had to devote a lot of mental time thinking about it, visualizing it, feeding it on my own energy. It was tiring, especially considering just how much else I was doing at the time - learning the runes, dealing w/a new school, fucking everyone who looked at me twice, dealing w/my aunts & uncles & cousins (oh my!), sneaking out to listen to music downtown, drinking... and practicing witchcraft.
There were a couple times when I let my little black fuzzy ball fade to nothing. Things would interfere with my ability to concentrate on it, but it seemed like each time it was easier to bring back. It also seemed to take on newer shapes and a more solid form. I started giving it blood mixed with honey and whiskey, leaving it in a little bowl under the bed where my aunt wouldn't notice it. I was able to send it out further from the house, too, and I could stay with it. Everything was sort of strange in the fuzzy ball's vision - everything had an aura and it was like looking out a vaseline-covered lens. At first, I had to have quiet alone-time to do anything because it took all my concentration to stay with it and make it travel further, but eventually I could split myself off from it and do other things. It would also start trouble sometimes - it could muster up a little physical force & knock things over & bump into people... and I think it had teeth, tiny needly teeth & it would make its displeasure known at times - it never bit me but sometimes people would get too close to it & flinch away from me suddenly as if stung or nipped.
One night, laying in bed, I tried to send the black ball out and for the first time, it seemed to gain a will of its own. I lay there, struggling with it, trying to push it out away from me, but it stayed and took on the form of a rather large dog. My 14-year old mind called it a Dobermann, but later I realized it was a jackal. It surprised me, honestly, that my imaginary little black ball could fight back at all, and in its new shape it seemed to change the terms of our relationship - it was no longer a minion that I could send out to spy on people or look for loose change - now it was a companion, and a guardian. One night I woke up & there were two Dobermanns sitting at the foot of my bed.
For most of my teen-witch years, everywhere I went I was flanked by two spiritual dogs. I no longer had to concentrate on them at all, but I still gave them offerings, but looking back they probably didn't need to be fed at all. Generally, they acted as guardians, and I could give them commands to an extent. Instead of using my will to control them, it became a battle of wills - if I wanted to take a different route home from school and they didn't want me to, they would block my path and growl their silent growls at me. If I persisted I would feel nips at my ankles and wrists... but if I was determined enough, they would disappear and I'd usually walk into a bad neighborhood or run into an altercation of some sort - it got to be where they didn't have to resort to nipping at my heels. They had a great dislike for a couple of my boyfriends and it seemed like after a couple of late-night hookups followed by strings of incredibly bad luck, the guy would just stop being interested in me. I had one man tell me I gave him nightmares about giant dogs attacking him & another ceremonialist I had hooked up with called me & told me to 'call off my dogs'.
In real life, I've always encountered dogs that seemed to have a freakish loyalty to me. Cats could come & go, but I am a dog-person. When I moved back out to Vegas & in w/my sister Jody, we got this Australian Shepherd mix named Lady. She was supposed to be Jamie & Miranda's dog, but from day one she was latched to my side. I hooked up w/this guy, Robbie, in the trailer park we lived at. I had to put Lady outside & tie her up so he could come into the house. If she was inside & he tried to sit next to me, she would straddle my lap & snarl and growl at Robbie, all teeth bared. She could keep it up for hours, too. He tried to play-fight with me one time and I had to basically lay on top of Lady to keep her from eating him. She was a small dog, but in that moment it was like holding a 2-ton bear, all teeth and claws & foaming at the mouth. Later on there was Sneakers, who was Tom's dog til I moved in. He wasn't a bad-tempered or vicious dog unless I was walking him late at night & someone tried to talk to me. And the chow mix (I think her name was Nikita) I had when Rob & I first met - she hated Rob. I should have listened to her, lol. There have only been three dogs I've known that ever had anything against me & one was my aunt's cocker spaniel. She was terrified of me and I never did anything to her, but I think it was more that she was terrified of the jackals. Another was a purebred chow that Terry had - Sharmaine - she and I butted heads constantly, and the other was a three-legged hound that was the bane of joggers, cyclists & blackberry-picking children back in Washington.
In the astral, they were magnificent, huge, glowing amber eyes. In all the work I did with summoning spirits and entities, all the channelling, they were always there and little or nothing fucked with me. Not that anything tried but... all those teeth and that constant alert watchfulness. My dogs never slept, hah. I was always one step ahead of serious misfortune, as long as I listened to them, and I did learn to trust them because they were the little voice in the back of my head.
Those black jackals were my constant companions right up til about the time I was 22 or 23. They stuck with me through all the moves, all the trials and tribulations, my time in the Wicca classes, my handfasting & getting married to Rob... and then they gradually faded away. I took it to mean that I didn't need their protection or watchfulness anymore. I haven't even really thought about them until this past week or so. So, last night, as I lay in bed I summoned up their old images in my mind - and got nothing. I wasn't surprised, I think I would have been more surprised if they had appeared. I sent the thoughts out & asked the Universe if it felt I needed a guardian. I caught a flash of a dog-like head, but much sleeker & pointier than even the jackals were, and heard a feminine laughing 'No!'. Which is weird because usually Coyote's voice is masculine and twangy & the dog-face looked more coyote-like than fox-like. Next I asked if the Universe would provide a guardian if I ever needed one. Then I had a brief memory of a dream about a bear that I don't remember having.
I have been trying to do some astral projection & trying to find the rabbit-hole to the Otherworlds again, and I've been questioning any need for protection or a guardian of any kind, and I think I got an answer. Either I don't need any protection because I'm not going anywhere anytime soon (which is what I suspect) or I always have the bear-energy to call on. Bear never fears anything, except the gun and maybe a bigger bear. I'm generally not afraid of much... Yes, I have lingering fears of growing old and decrepit and losing my mind to dementia or Alzheimers, but that's more of an anxiety, one that looms large everytime I have to be around my in-laws. It would probably be different if I'd seen my own parents grow old instead of watching Rob's parents grow old from an outsider's point of view. I generally don't worry about further damage occurring to me on any other plane of existence because, well, I'm already spiritually broken. I have this feeling like there's nothing for me to offer anything. I also don't worry about possession because, hey, I've been there, done that. I know the mechanics behind possession and channeling. It's part of why I turned away from orthodox Wicca - I no longer wanted the 'magic circle' to be between me and the spiritual entities. I got some backlash while I was learning ceremonial magic - entities do not like to be imprisoned and then used, and if they get loose they will do what they can to make your life miserable, but honestly, there is very little a spiritual entity can do to someone on the physical plane.
I used to have a hard time w/a lot of the magic books, especially in Vodou, but there was some in the Wicca classes - they were forever talking about 'enemies'. I remember Robin telling everyone that it was possible to sever someone's 'silver chain', their link to their body, with the spiritual representation of an athame on the astral plane. And that you should never leave your hair on the salon floor because 'enemies' could use it against you. Same w/nail clippings. When I first heard the concept, it worried me... but then I realized that if I did have any enemies, chances were they did not practice witchcraft, Wicca or Vodou and I was relatively safe through ignorance. Maybe it was different a hundred years ago, or different for the slaves on the plantations, or in Haiti & Africa it may still be different - I mean, they still kill people suspected of practicing witchcraft in places in Africa. So maybe you do have to worry more about 'enemies' who will try to harm you through one means or another.
It seemed like most of my time in the Wicca classes was learning how to protect myself from anything and everything - negativity, energy vampires, malicious spirits and entities, unknown 'enemies' who would track my hair clippings down at a hair salon and use them against me... I learned a lot about how to manipulate my own energy, concentration and control and the ability to multi-task - one eye on the candle, the other on traffic, that kind of thing. I did learn how to protect my home from poltergeist energy and for awhile there I was still very concerned with sealing the house off from anything potentially harmful... it's funny because when we had the break-in, the theives went through & took all my crappy jewelry - except for anything with a pentagram on it or jewelry that was hanging on or around my altar. They didn't mess with my altar or my underwear drawers which are below my altar. They took all Rob's swords & knives, but not mine - which were on my altar. They didn't mess with anything on the mantle where Ariadne lives, along with Eleggua & Buddha. The house seals may have made the house a smaller target, but people still broke in undeterred. If anything, maybe I was too confident on oil and salt water to protect the premises, to the point where I never thought about the house being robbed at all. Never considered the possibility - until it happened. Since the burglary, well, we've put away anything eye-catching and put bars on the windows, but I haven't bothered to seal the place up. I haven't touched Vesta in years - even though I still threaten the cucuy in my closet with it on occasion. The house goms have gotten to be like the spiders - we just sort of live with them and the minor disruptions they cause. Now that we generally let them be, there seems to be a lot less disruption. The guy who lives in the walls still manages to break shit every now & again, but oh well.
It's kind of strange, but there's a part of me that feels protected, even against myself. It's part of why I gave up on suicide - something doesn't want me dead, at least not yet. Something watches out for me. It can't protect me from injuring myself in minor ways, like the torn cartilage in my knees, but it has protected me from a lot of the big stuff. I'm never where bad things happen anymore. When we got robbed, I was at work - pretty much stuck at work, too. I think I'd been called in because Alea called out sick. There are all kinds of smaller 'coincidences' that have had things falling into place in my life. Usually I'm so tired and annoyed all the time that I don't look at just how well things have gone for me over the past year or so, but in many ways they have. It's not quite like living a charmed life, lol, because otherwise I'd have hit Megabucks by now...