Namaste, Bitches

(It smells like potting soil in the office today, but no one has any houseplants down here.)

( Crazy Magic Talk )

I have been trying to do some astral projection & trying to find the rabbit-hole to the Otherworlds again, and I've been questioning any need for protection or a guardian of any kind, and I think I got an answer. Either I don't need any protection because I'm not going anywhere anytime soon (which is what I suspect) or I always have the bear-energy to call on. Bear never fears anything, except the gun and maybe a bigger bear. I'm generally not afraid of much... Yes, I have lingering fears of growing old and decrepit and losing my mind to dementia or Alzheimers, but that's more of an anxiety, one that looms large everytime I have to be around my in-laws. It would probably be different if I'd seen my own parents grow old instead of watching Rob's parents grow old from an outsider's point of view. I generally don't worry about further damage occurring to me on any other plane of existence because, well, I'm already spiritually broken. I have this feeling like there's nothing for me to offer anything. I also don't worry about possession because, hey, I've been there, done that. I know the mechanics behind possession and channeling. It's part of why I turned away from orthodox Wicca - I no longer wanted the 'magic circle' to be between me and the spiritual entities. I got some backlash while I was learning ceremonial magic - entities do not like to be imprisoned and then used, and if they get loose they will do what they can to make your life miserable, but honestly, there is very little a spiritual entity can do to someone on the physical plane.

I used to have a hard time w/a lot of the magic books, especially in Vodou, but there was some in the Wicca classes - they were forever talking about 'enemies'. I remember Robin telling everyone that it was possible to sever someone's 'silver chain', their link to their body, with the spiritual representation of an athame on the astral plane. And that you should never leave your hair on the salon floor because 'enemies' could use it against you. Same w/nail clippings. When I first heard the concept, it worried me... but then I realized that if I did have any enemies, chances were they did not practice witchcraft, Wicca or Vodou and I was relatively safe through ignorance. Maybe it was different a hundred years ago, or different for the slaves on the plantations, or in Haiti & Africa it may still be different - I mean, they still kill people suspected of practicing witchcraft in places in Africa. So maybe you do have to worry more about 'enemies' who will try to harm you through one means or another.

It seemed like most of my time in the Wicca classes was learning how to protect myself from anything and everything - negativity, energy vampires, malicious spirits and entities, unknown 'enemies' who would track my hair clippings down at a hair salon and use them against me... I learned a lot about how to manipulate my own energy, concentration and control and the ability to multi-task - one eye on the candle, the other on traffic, that kind of thing. I did learn how to protect my home from poltergeist energy and for awhile there I was still very concerned with sealing the house off from anything potentially harmful... it's funny because when we had the break-in, the theives went through & took all my crappy jewelry - except for anything with a pentagram on it or jewelry that was hanging on or around my altar. They didn't mess with my altar or my underwear drawers which are below my altar. They took all Rob's swords & knives, but not mine - which were on my altar. They didn't mess with anything on the mantle where Ariadne lives, along with Eleggua & Buddha. The house seals may have made the house a smaller target, but people still broke in undeterred. If anything, maybe I was too confident on oil and salt water to protect the premises, to the point where I never thought about the house being robbed at all. Never considered the possibility - until it happened. Since the burglary, well, we've put away anything eye-catching and put bars on the windows, but I haven't bothered to seal the place up. I haven't touched Vesta in years - even though I still threaten the cucuy in my closet with it on occasion. The house goms have gotten to be like the spiders - we just sort of live with them and the minor disruptions they cause. Now that we generally let them be, there seems to be a lot less disruption. The guy who lives in the walls still manages to break shit every now & again, but oh well.

It's kind of strange, but there's a part of me that feels protected, even against myself. It's part of why I gave up on suicide - something doesn't want me dead, at least not yet. Something watches out for me. It can't protect me from injuring myself in minor ways, like the torn cartilage in my knees, but it has protected me from a lot of the big stuff. I'm never where bad things happen anymore. When we got robbed, I was at work - pretty much stuck at work, too. I think I'd been called in because Alea called out sick. There are all kinds of smaller 'coincidences' that have had things falling into place in my life. Usually I'm so tired and annoyed all the time that I don't look at just how well things have gone for me over the past year or so, but in many ways they have. It's not quite like living a charmed life, lol, because otherwise I'd have hit Megabucks by now...

Went to see Seal last night, but strangely enough it's not Seal that's running thru my head, it's a song that was playing on the loudspeakers during intermission. I've heard it maybe once before, but I don't know who it's by, or what it's called. It's fairly new, has this driving tribal beat to it, the singers are sort of shout-singing - the only words I could really make out above Jody's yelling at me was something like "We are... we are, we are...". Jody says it's Peter Gabriel, but I don't think so. It could very well be Afro-Celtic Sound System, but I've only heard one song by them & it had Peter Gabriel as a guest singer (When You're Falling.) Tomorrow me & Rob are taking our dead-scorpion-in-a-jar to the Dept. of Agriculture for identification, so I'm gonna get him to take me to either Virgin Records or Odyssey to see if I can find who it's by or what it's named. Virgin would probably be niftier, as I can buy some "Virgin" brand condoms while I'm there.
Last night, as I lay in my bed, throbbing w/mingled bass vibrations & pain, waiting for the Darvocet & Flexiril to kick in, I popped in my Shamanic drumming CD. I got the weird sensation of me getting up out of bed & walking counter-clockwise around the house, checking all the doors & windows. Even now, it's half remembered, because I was still laying in bed watching myself do this. Why widdershins? Rattling windows & locks. I was in this comatose paralysis, drifting in & out of sleep, but my fetch is roaming around doing a security patrol. Then the call-back on the CD started & panicked me in the worst way. Lay there w/my heart pounding blood into my head, adrenaline rush, everything. My heart beating hard enough to shake the bed. I'd like to listen to it again tonight, but Rob's already asleep.
Rob's confessed jealousy of Eric, which was never present before my mentioning that he would be coming out in March. I laughed at Rob, which was mean, but o fucking well. (I'm mean. It's what I do best.) Anyway, it just kills me. Now Rob's walking around w/his Mr. Insecurity face on. I told him that I'm tired of being over-protected & worried about, I'm tired of never being able to do things on my own, I'm getting tired of being a married person because I have no space or time to myself. He just told me he could feel it, but he "protects what he cherishes". I just don't want to be cherished anymore. I'm getting to be like Greta Garbo - "I vant to be alone."
It's funny - I've always felt a kindred towards Persephone, that chthonic Goddess Who is a footnote in the tale of Demeter. I was reading an old mythology book, & in it the author said that someone (maybe Herakles, maybe Jason & the Argonauts? Odysseus?) briefly considered an attempt to steal Persephone from Hades, but changed his mind because "She is that most closely guarded & protected of Queens". Sometimes I feel so much like that.
Hoping I didn't give Lisa's family the flu when I visited. Even tho I'm just feeling like it's the change-of-weather related respiratory problems.