perzephone: Wednesday Addams as played by Christina Ricci (be afraid)
I've been at an extremely low point lately, to the point where I can't even write about it with any depth. I need to, I should, but I just fucking can't.

So I read, and embroider, and play WoW, but it's patch/maintenance day for Azeroth.

Aside from nomming some tasty zombie short stories (The Living Dead, edited by John Joseph Adams), I've picked up The Temple of Twelve: Novice of Colors by Esmerelda Little Flame. I've read one person's personal pathworking through it, a few reviews and other random stuff on the 'Net about it. It seems to be good for helping folks open up to their artistic side, and since my embroidery is technically 'creative', I figured, eh, why not. There is a lot of color symbolism in the Tarot itself, and since I'm already pathworking with that, I had kind of hoped that TToT would add some vibrance.

I get irritated sometimes when people on the Pagan forums or in chats & what-not regarding magic(k)al work tell someone "oh, colors mean whatever you want them to mean" or "colors mean different things to different people". Yes, personally, colors can be pleasing or displeasing to various people, or remind people of different things that have happened during the course of their lives... but magic(k)ally speaking, colors mean what they mean, and have always meant. It's one thing if you want to use, say, a pale blue candle to represent yourself and a flaming orange candle to represent the object of your desire. That's personal symbolism. But, generally, the planetary daemon of Venus is not going to look kindly on your blue and orange candles, just because they make you personally think of loooooovve.

Why can't you take the New Age road with colors? Why can't they just mean whatever the fuck you want them to mean, thousands of years of symbolism be damned?

Because they vibrate at various frequencies and do different things for different reasons. Lenses and refractors and prisms produce singular colored rays or rainbows, with the colors in a specific order, for a reason, not because it's some random thing created by dysenteric unicorns. I don't feel assed to go into the scientific reasons why yellow is yellow and blue is blue (this is my blog, I don't need references, dammit) but there are definite reasons - and because our brain is a science-type thing as well, different parts of our brains respond to different colors the same way as anyone else's brain responds to those same colors (try to eat rare meat under a blue light f'instance... go ahead. I'm waiting - and then try it under natural to slightly reddish light).

cut due to spoilage )

I'm going to seriously try to finish the book, especially since during my rant I realized that yes, at some level, even though I'm not a visual artist (or any type of artist) colors are important to me. They do speak to the inner witch, even though I don't do magic(k) any more. I've got synaesthesia to some degree, and I do love my colorin' books. I keep telling people that embroidery is 'coloring with thread'... so, there you have it.

It's only mid-March & we're already in the 80s. With the a/c already on. Fuuuuuuuuuuu....

Paper War

Jul. 4th, 2010 05:01 pm
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I've decided to convert the majority of documents I have into OpenOffice docs. As a result, I've actually been reading the stuff I have saved over the years.

I'm wondering to myself how much of it I should just delete?

I mean... it's been forever since I've been interested in astrology & numerology. Aside from the connections to the Tarot, I don't make charts anymore. I barely keep up w/my horoscope, other than to bemoan Rob Breszny's accuracy.

It's actually a pretty interesting choice I have. Do I keep any of my 'witchier' notes, or do I just chuck 'em all? I don't do spellwork (or any spiritual work for that matter) anymore - so do I really need the quantified results of various spells & rituals cluttering up my world? If I was an active witch in a coven or something, it might be worthwhile to compile everything into the fabled BoS and pass it on - but, meh. Why?

Yeah, methinks it's all gonna go bye-bye. Hello, gigs of storage freed from bondage!
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Ok, I revised some of the wording and finished it. Constructive criticism is welcome.

Actually, any criticism is welcome because then I'd know at least one person read this, lol.
 
Spellcraft 101: Theory and Philosophy

Let me share my philosophy on who can practice magic. I believe that anyone can practice magic. I don’t believe a person has to be a Wiccan or Pagan to practice magic, although if a Catholic, Christian, Jew or Muslim practices witchcraft, they may want to make peace with their God before doing so, since it does seem to be a no-no in those religious frameworks. I personally do not believe that the power behind spells is granted to us by the Gods. I am pantheistic and believe that everything is connected by a greater spiritual force, like a web of energy binding everything together as one. Because we are all connected, I believe that it is possible for something someone does has the power to affect something or someone across the globe.

 

I also feel that magic’s greatest power is over our own psychology. When someone performs a spell, not only are they affecting the object of the spell, they are influencing themselves. If someone does a spell to be more attractive, they will respond to that spell by walking with more confidence, dressing more confident, becoming more outgoing – in truth, they will become more attractive.

 

I’m of a mixed mind when it comes to curses and hexes. I’ve actually never cursed anyone or hexed anyone. I’ve done more than my fair share of ‘go away’ spells, but I don’t feel that banishing spells are necessarily curses or hexes. I’ve asked for ‘divine justice’ in a couple of occasions, and seen that in action. I don’t doubt that curses and hexes can and do work – but I also know that protective spells and actions can effectively negate the energy of a curse or hex. Personally, I’m not afraid of curses or hexes – and I’ve had people tell me they put a curse on me. It seems kind of naïve or one-sided to say that magic works and in the same breath say that curses and hexes don’t work. But from my experience, curses and hexes seem to have less effectiveness and a greater chance to fail than positive spells.

 

A bit of etiquette to bear in mind: always ask someone’s permission before doing a spell on their behalf. Letting someone know that you want to help them out magically is respectful, and if the person has a lot of psychic self-defense mechanisms at work, they will be able to clear the way for your assistance, and possibly even help the spell along. If it’s a curse or hex or something negative, of course you’re not going to tell the object of the spell, “Hey, I’m putting a curse on you!” – at least, not until after you’ve done it and you want to scare the crap out of them. Sometimes, telling a person you’ve cursed them is more effective than actually putting a curse on them.

 

If a spell fails, chances are no one is going to be harmed by it – and most likely, no one will ever know the spell fizzled. Sometimes they do backfire or have unexpected results, but anything we try in life, from learning to ride a bicycle to asking someone out on a date, runs those same risks. When embarking on magical pursuits, it’s always a good idea to keep an open mind and open heart.

 

So here is my contribution to the world: Spellcraft 101.

 

First Point: Practice

Practice.

Practice.

Practice.

 

I used to be one of those people who felt that magic was the last resort, that a person should exhaust all other avenues before performing a spell. I don’t know how I ended up with that belief – probably because other people respond that way. Magic is one of many tools given to us. Just like other tools, the only way to become a masterful spell-caster is to practice casting spells. Although I’ve met people who claimed wild success with their first spell, there are very few true ‘wild talents’ when it comes to witchcraft.

 

When a person is first starting out, it is best to start small, with inconsequential things, things that only affect the spellcaster or a willing guinea pig (not an actual guinea pig, mind you, but someone who has given their permission to be used as the object of a spell). It’s also easier to begin with positive or protective spells instead of launching right into cursing, hexing, banishing or binding spells.

 

Healing spells are an excellent proving ground as long as the illness is not one that is immediately fatal. Helping a friend eliminate migraines or helping oneself resist getting the flu would be better than trying to cure someone of cancer or HIV. Not that wanting to cure someone’s cancer or HIV is a bad thing, especially if it works, but it’s always best to start small and with something that will help build confidence and self-assurance. Protective spells are good beginning spells, too, but the results are usually not as tangible.

 

Many people, me included, tend to make fun of people who cast spells for every little thing. You have to recognize when a mundane solution to a problem is faster and more effective than a spell. While learning spellcraft, though, cast spells for everything.

 

Second Point: Taking Action

 

Magic will not do anything unless some kind of real-world action is also taken. There’s an old joke about this guy. Every day he prays to God, “God, please let me win the lottery!” Days, weeks, months, years go by with this guy praying to win the lottery every single day. One day, he wakes up, goes for a walk & prays to God, “Please, God, just let me win the lottery!” God taps the guy on the shoulder and says, exasperatedly, “Hey, Schlomo, buy a ticket!” Performing a spell to get a job or make more money will do nothing unless something is done to help the magic along. Taking classes to improve skills, sending resumes to prospective employers, and speaking to a manager or supervisor about taking on greater responsibilities or getting a raise – and some spell work will help the most.

 

Spells work best as a means to potentialize action. They can sway a situation to one’s advantage, or push a decision one way or the other, but for the most part spells are not miracles.  

 

Referring back to recognizing when mundane solutions will work better than magical ones, once past the practice stage, this is a good thing to remember. If someone is the victim of a dangerous domestic situation, doing a spell asking for ‘divine justice’ will not help if the victim is killed by their abusive partner. Doing a healing spell won’t help someone who is bleeding to death unless they’re already in the ER. Doing a spell to keep kids off drugs won’t help if the parents are abusing drugs and setting an example for their children to follow.

 

Third Point: Self Discipline

 

One of the principles of magic is the ability to visualize the outcome of a spell. In order for visualization to be effective, it requires concentration, energy and focus. If one has a five-minute attention span, chances are their spells are not going to be successful. Some people are born with a natural ability to focus their attention on something for long periods of time. Others have to train their attention, like any muscle or skill. Being able to maintain focus for long periods of time can have advantages outside the spiritual world – computer programming is one clear example, surgery is another.

 

Attention and focus are part of the training needed for practicing witchcraft. Sometimes, if a spell is done within the confines of ritual or ceremonial magic, it may need more time and involvement than just 15 minutes or so of candle-burning. If a person cannot reign in their body and mind, all the preparation that goes into a major magical undertaking is kind of pointless.  One of the most common pieces of advice seen in any spellbook is ‘turn off the phone, turn off the TV., close the bedroom door…’ – in other words, tear oneself away from all the nitpicking little distractions of modern life.

 

Honestly, the way I see it, any religious or spiritual practice requires a modicum of self-discipline. Learning to meditate involves calming the chattering nonsense running rampant in the brain – quieting the ‘monkey mind’. For those following a shamanic path, vision quests, underworld/Otherworld journeying, and other shamanic technologies involve being able to get past all of the physical body’s nagging needs – being able to ignore hunger, thirst, discomfort, an itchy nose, a cramping toe, having to pee really, really bad – as well as telling the monkey mind to shut up for awhile. 

 

Fourth Point: Timing

 

Timing is everything. Once a person begins practicing magic or following a spiritual path, it becomes easier to ‘tune in’ to the natural rhythms of life. Even in major urban centers, there are still seasons and tides. At first, spells may just go awry even if every detail is attended to, every step is followed. Sometimes, it’s just not the right time – the Universe has something else in mind.

 

Here in Las Vegas, the city is still part of the greater desert around it. We have a definite monsoon season from mid-July through August. People who have been living here for awhile seem to get antsy and irritable during the weeks preceding the monsoon. Everyone seems cranky. There seems to be extra stress put on everyone, like we’re living in a pressure cooker. Shortly after the 4th of July, the clouds roll in at night and the air becomes heavy and humid, and it seems like all the cranky antsy desert dwellers inhale – and hold their breaths. One afternoon the clouds don’t burn off and the first lightning flashes are seen, followed by thunder that sounds like it’s cracking the world apart. The rain comes, and everyone, the desert itself included, exhales in a giant “ahhhhh”. That is what magical timing feels like – a great pressure, a need to do something to solve a problem or fill a gap – the spell is that first lightning bolt, the thunder is the pent-up energy being released in a sudden flash, and the rain is the spell doing its work.

 

So there it is, my philosophy on becoming a successful spellcrafter. Bear in mind, these are my experiences and observations, and as many Pagans say, “your mileage may vary”. 

 

Ó Janelle Feldes, July 24, 2009

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June got me thinking about how I put my Pagan values into action. Truth be told, I don’t take much spiritual action on anything. I’ve been thinking about this whole ‘teaching’ thing. How I value educators and instructors, and I value the act of learning. I’ve always kind of felt like I was unqualified to teach anyone anything spiritually, that I wouldn’t be qualified until I was a grey-haired, stooped crone going blind from cataracts, my fingers clawed with arthritis. I don’t have kids, so who would I pass all my knowledge on to, anyway? Slowly, things have been changing where I’ve been feeling as though maybe I do have some experience that I could share, lessons I’ve learned that I could teach others. The internet is as good an apprentice as any snot-nosed sniveling brat, hah.

It’s been a long time since I’ve practiced magic. I’ve got various reasons as to why I no longer perform spells. For one, I no longer feel as though I desperately need anything – love, luck, money, vengeance. The Universe usually provides. Granted, I could be richer or have a choicer job or more lovers… but I’m lazy and content to keep what I have. I don’t get all that angry at people, not to the point of wanting to smite them with mighty hoodoo powers. Secondly, I’ve come to terms with feeling like I’m not meant to have certain things, like more money. My financial spells never got very far. I probably should have just saved the money instead of fattening occult store cash registers buying spell supplies. Thirdly, and probably most importantly – I have always defined magic in league with Aleister Crowley’s philosophy. Magic is the act of manipulating the Universe to act in accordance with one’s Will. Who am I to inflict my Will on the Universe? Nowadays, instead of casting spells to make magic, I try to recognize the magic in every-day things and the world around me and my place in the world.

So I'm working on an article about 'Spellcraft 101' for my future website. It's mainly about attitudes and concepts involved with successful magic work. I'm having this problem with tone, though. I sound to myself like I'm a condescending, pompous asshat.

Anyone got any suggestions?

Here's what I have so far - behind a cut because it's loooooong, and most likely boring as fuck.

Spellcraft 101 )
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Got my 'explanation of benefits' from the insurance today. My 24 hours in the hospital came to a mere $16,000 dollars (not including the ambulance - which I'm not even going to complain about). Hey, that's about $666 an hour! RoFlMaO!

gory details hidden here )

Ah well.

I don't do spellcraft anymore. I haven't done a spell in years. I haven't even chased the cucuyl out of my closet w/the almighty Vesta powder in years. The last spell I did attempt had bizarre & amusing results, but the main reason it went kerfluey was because of my lack of strong intention... and possibly the Universe was like, "Stop her before she gets what she asks for". Considering who & what I was asking for, it was honestly a relief that it did go all silly-bonkers. I stopped doing spellcraft because I realized that rain will come when it is time to rain, money will come when it's needed most, even the most powerful protection spell will protect your house from determined crackheads but crackheads make for some idiotic burglars, and all I have to do to get a job is want it badly enough. Honestly, the Universe must like me to an extent, because when I think about all that, I realize I've had it pretty lucky over the years. I don't do spells anymore because I just don't need spells.

But for those who don't have my infinite trust in the Great Mystery, spells are okay.

As I've been spending more time on the paganforum, I've noticed some distinct schools of thought about the practice of magic. One school of thought is that you only do spells as a last resort, which is kind of the boat I've been in, but that's changing. Another school of thought is 'spells are bad, mmmkay, unless you've been under some sort of tutelage & carefully supervised & trained & prepared'. Another school of thought is the unbeliever in the power of witchcraft, and the last is the "omg I do spells for everything!" There is one woman who is fairly new to the forum, & maybe it's because she's an author, but she's very forceful about her opinions, & on almost any thread about spellcraft, there she is. Now, I have nothing in general against Pagan authors... but I think partly because she is a published author & because she posts on every freaking thread, people put a lot of stock in what she says. She's of the "spells are bad, mmkay?" school.

If you are a solitary witch of any system of belief, how do you get better at your craft if you're too afraid to do spellcraft? If you're not a particularly creative witch, how do you go about casting your first spell without reading a few badly written books on witchcraft & spellcraft? Back when I was actually a spellcasting witch, I read every book I could get my hands on for new & more interesting spells. I tried all kinds of magic out. Some worked, some didn't, some blew up in my face, some set the house on fire. With much practice and experimentation, I got pretty darned good at casting spells (If you haven't already figured this out, yes, I do believe in witchcraft & the power of spells - part of it's magic, the rest is psychology). Sometimes I scared myself because of how well (or how evilly) things turned out. I also learned how to pay attention to signs that the spell would not work for whatever reason. How is a potential spellcaster going to learn about things like the will of the Divine & developing a sense of magical timing if they don't make some mistakes first? People who go around insisting that all Pagan authors leave things out of their published spells also piss me off. I'm beginning to think it's an urban legend, especially after seeing so many spells written around the same basic format. But the rumor consistently prevents people from trying new things.

Yes, I do tend to get annoyed at the "omg I do spells for everything!" because sometimes you have to get up off your ass, put the candles out & answer the damned door. Jody is also one of those "omg I need a spell!" kind of people & I try to talk her out of doing spells because honestly, her meager disability pension could be better spent than on candles & incense. Sometimes it's just faster to do something on your own. I no longer tell people to use a spell as the last resort. If you're going to look for a job, sure, do a power spell - but still wear your best suit & have a good-looking resume to give the spell something to work with. If you need a get-out-of-jail free card, do a luck spell or slip a lil' sumpin under the judge's chair, but hire a good defense attorney while you're at it.

Yes, some spells can mess up your life or someone else's. You have to have a clear vision and a clear intent of what you're trying to do - and if you have that, you can be dangerous - but your spells can be quite successful.

Be careful of yourself and others, remember if someone has slighted you, asking for divine retribution will bring the attention of the Universe onto you as well as your enemy, and sometimes being under that kind of scrutiny can be more unpleasant than getting your car keyed or your ego slapped (not that I speak from experience or anything...).

Don't be afraid - it's only magic.
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I was going to type something profound & amazing, I just know I was... but I can't remember what it was now.

Oh... wait, now I amember.

How I Discovered Magic for Fun & Profit.

When I was living w/my cousin Penny, I spent an inordinate amount of time in libraries. Books filled my world. I have come to love how libraries smell, how books smell, how used bookstores smell. That dusty musty sweet aroma of books. Yes, I know it's a mold & damages those books, but Gods... it's nectar to my nose.

While in those libraries, I only favored a few sections. Sci-Fi/Fantasy & Horror, of course. The books about animals - biology/zoology, books about medicinal herbs... and the occult section. California libraries in the mid-80s were havens for occult sections. I used to feel like I was getting away with something every time I checked out a book on witchcraft or Voodoo. In the Glendora library I got my introduction to the Golden Dawn, Aleister Crowley, Cunningham, Buckland, Gardner, Dion Fortune, A. E. Waite, Eliphas Levi and so many other famous & infamous occultists, witches & Pagan writers. In this time, I began thinking of myself as a witch - not yet Wiccan, not quite Pagan, but definitely a witch. I also got my first glimpse of the Necronomicon, and yes, at 10, I believed it was real and thought that the books by H. P. Lovecraft that my mom had owned hinted at the mysterious powers of the Necronomicon instead of just being written by the same guy. Don't judge me too harshly - I was 10. Penny barely tolerated me coming home w/books about unicorns & vampires, but some of the witchcraft books blended in with school books (especially if I kept them in brown paper bookcovers...) & Stephen King books.

At the time, living w/Penny, I didn't really have a space of my own. Glendora is also not close to any wooded areas & I avoided the parks for the most part. The minor chants and knots and charms I played with I kept on me, tucked away. If living with my parents & Jody taught me nothing else it is unwise to keep cows tongues rotting away quietly in a desk drawer or dark corner of a closet. I didn't talk to anyone about my obsession with magic and witchcraft. For one, I really didn't have anyone to discuss it with - and some of my only friends in jr. high were Mormon.

When I moved to Tennessee to live with my aunt and uncle, many opportunities fell into place. It felt like Someone had done it on purpose. My aunt & uncle had a nice house - I had my own room separated from the rest of the bedrooms. It had a door that opened onto the porch & the windows opened into the back yard. My aunt & uncle's back yard was just fucking huge. You literally could not see the back fence line from the back house windows (of course, having a big-ass shed & a huge apple tree halfway across the yard helped that). It was bordered on three sides by thickets of brush & old trees & moss & vines. There was a little footpath leading from the side of the house through the yard & the back thicket & a lot of kids used it as a shortcut walking to & from school, but that was during the day. You couldn't see any of the neighboring houses & they couldn't see my aunt & uncle's place. We don't have yards like that here in Vegas, and even suburban Californian yards are tailored & trimmed (& usually have a pool). My uncle kept a garden in one back corner, full of tomatoes & beans & okra. There was poke & poison ivy & pecan trees in the thickets. On the opposite side of the yard was a trellis - my uncle didn't mess with it, and I don't know exactly why it was back there. It had hops & grapevines growing on it, but the grapes were small & bitter - the birds usually got the grapes or they turned to bitter raisins. But this trellis shielded even more of that corner of the yard from the house, & even in winter it was fully covered with tangled dry leaves and vines. At night - there were a couple of floodlights on the house, but the yard was pitch black. Even better, though, from day one I was given an allowance. Things may not have been the best with my aunt and uncle, and it was 99% my fault that things got nasty towards the end, but in the two years I lived with them I came to love the back yard.

The only problem to my continuing my pursuit of witchcraft was the local libraries. The occult sections of small town libraries around Memphis were woefully inadequate. Actually, the Frazier library was just inadequate. It was about as big as a 7-11 & the kids' section took up half of it. But I had an allowance & there were a couple of used bookstores within walking distance, and my aunt usually went to the mall once a week and an outlet mall (which I loathed, except for the World Bazaar where I got all my candles & incense) once a month or so. I scrounged books wherever I went. Since I was little, I had always had penpals and I continued that hobby in Memphis. Along with the few friends I kept in touch with, my new interest in heavy metal opened up a new source of pen-pals... and with heavy metal came fellow witches. I had a book exchange network that spanned the globe. Sometimes people wanted their books back, sometimes they said pass them on & sometimes they were gifts. When I left my aunt & uncle I had two enormous boxes of books that were shipped to Vegas, mostly full of occult & magic books. My aunt never seemed to care, or notice, what book I was reading. I remember sitting on the couch in the den reading Sarah Morrison's The Modern Witch's Spellbook & my aunt sitting in her rocking chair watching t.v. next to me. My uncle had a lot of Theosophist & spiritualist books as it was - Allan Cardec, Edgar Cayce, that kind of thing, along with his Bahai books & philosophers like Ouspensky & Gurdjiev. Because of my uncle, I also spent a lot of time at the University of Tennessee, in its library and lecture halls, and the Bahai meeting house was owned by bibliophiles who liked it when the kids wanted to sit & read instead of running around like maniacs.

I could work magic in my room - quiet little candle spells, burning a miniscule amount of incense as an offering. I had a modicum of privacy, but I still kept things quiet - especially when it came to leaving the house at night. The backyard became my proving ground. I would go back to the trellis - my days were spent clearing the grass out behind it, cleaning away rocks & sticks & dead leaves, making sure a lit candle (or candles) couldn't be seen from any vantage point, making sure the path from house to trellis was relatively clear so I could walk easily & quietly. I was so diligent and methodical. I was working under the notion that if one thing was out of place a spell could blow up in my face, tho.

Of course, even with Jody being a true Satanist, and for all my reading & studying... for all my care & diligence about gathering ingredients (some of which I am not proud of - someone lost a chicken) and making sure the timing was right... my first true ritual, carried out in the black of night, was an attempt to summon Satan so I could ask him to make me play guitar like Jimmy Page. Obviously, I am not currently a rock star.
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I just found myself thinking about some of the things for which I've worked magic... My earliest forays into the craft were typical girlie things. I wanted boyfriends, I wanted money, I wanted boyfriends with money, wanted beauty, wanted to be a rock star... all the spells I cast rarely worked, except for the ones that were supposed to, the ones that were for protection or retribution. The first time I tried a summoning spell, I asked the spirit to teach me how to read Tarot cards - he never spoke, just would point at things - he pointed to the books on my bookshelf, crossed his arms & refused to speak to me again. I asked another spirit for psychic powers and that was disastrous... I think it made me nuts, literally insane for a couple of years until I learned how to deal with it and finally pretty much shut it all off.

There was a spirit that I called up who usually would answer my summons. The spirit laughed at me when I tried to coerce her into killing my dad's girlfriend, Elizabeth. The spirit told me I needed to parley with stronger spirits, and I did... Liz didn't die, but at least she did go away, which was really all I wanted, even if it ruined my life in the process. The spirit I had always worked with could probably have made Liz leave my dad, too, but she took everything I said at face value, especially since I learned early about contracts and loopholes. Djinn make me nervous & that spirit was akin to them in her cunning. After Liz was gone, I called the spirit up one last time and broke the circle, letting her go & try as I might, I could never contact her again.

I did end up with one very long-lasting gift bestowed upon me by the spirit I summoned. It was the first time I managed to successfully call her up. She laughed at me, called me a fool and a wastrel, told me I could have so much more if I only asked for it... but what did I ask for?

I can turn sex into a song. I haven't lost the beat, either.
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(It smells like potting soil in the office today, but no one has any houseplants down here.)

Crazy Magic Talk )

I have been trying to do some astral projection & trying to find the rabbit-hole to the Otherworlds again, and I've been questioning any need for protection or a guardian of any kind, and I think I got an answer. Either I don't need any protection because I'm not going anywhere anytime soon (which is what I suspect) or I always have the bear-energy to call on. Bear never fears anything, except the gun and maybe a bigger bear. I'm generally not afraid of much... Yes, I have lingering fears of growing old and decrepit and losing my mind to dementia or Alzheimers, but that's more of an anxiety, one that looms large everytime I have to be around my in-laws. It would probably be different if I'd seen my own parents grow old instead of watching Rob's parents grow old from an outsider's point of view. I generally don't worry about further damage occurring to me on any other plane of existence because, well, I'm already spiritually broken. I have this feeling like there's nothing for me to offer anything. I also don't worry about possession because, hey, I've been there, done that. I know the mechanics behind possession and channeling. It's part of why I turned away from orthodox Wicca - I no longer wanted the 'magic circle' to be between me and the spiritual entities. I got some backlash while I was learning ceremonial magic - entities do not like to be imprisoned and then used, and if they get loose they will do what they can to make your life miserable, but honestly, there is very little a spiritual entity can do to someone on the physical plane.

I used to have a hard time w/a lot of the magic books, especially in Vodou, but there was some in the Wicca classes - they were forever talking about 'enemies'. I remember Robin telling everyone that it was possible to sever someone's 'silver chain', their link to their body, with the spiritual representation of an athame on the astral plane. And that you should never leave your hair on the salon floor because 'enemies' could use it against you. Same w/nail clippings. When I first heard the concept, it worried me... but then I realized that if I did have any enemies, chances were they did not practice witchcraft, Wicca or Vodou and I was relatively safe through ignorance. Maybe it was different a hundred years ago, or different for the slaves on the plantations, or in Haiti & Africa it may still be different - I mean, they still kill people suspected of practicing witchcraft in places in Africa. So maybe you do have to worry more about 'enemies' who will try to harm you through one means or another.

It seemed like most of my time in the Wicca classes was learning how to protect myself from anything and everything - negativity, energy vampires, malicious spirits and entities, unknown 'enemies' who would track my hair clippings down at a hair salon and use them against me... I learned a lot about how to manipulate my own energy, concentration and control and the ability to multi-task - one eye on the candle, the other on traffic, that kind of thing. I did learn how to protect my home from poltergeist energy and for awhile there I was still very concerned with sealing the house off from anything potentially harmful... it's funny because when we had the break-in, the theives went through & took all my crappy jewelry - except for anything with a pentagram on it or jewelry that was hanging on or around my altar. They didn't mess with my altar or my underwear drawers which are below my altar. They took all Rob's swords & knives, but not mine - which were on my altar. They didn't mess with anything on the mantle where Ariadne lives, along with Eleggua & Buddha. The house seals may have made the house a smaller target, but people still broke in undeterred. If anything, maybe I was too confident on oil and salt water to protect the premises, to the point where I never thought about the house being robbed at all. Never considered the possibility - until it happened. Since the burglary, well, we've put away anything eye-catching and put bars on the windows, but I haven't bothered to seal the place up. I haven't touched Vesta in years - even though I still threaten the cucuy in my closet with it on occasion. The house goms have gotten to be like the spiders - we just sort of live with them and the minor disruptions they cause. Now that we generally let them be, there seems to be a lot less disruption. The guy who lives in the walls still manages to break shit every now & again, but oh well.

It's kind of strange, but there's a part of me that feels protected, even against myself. It's part of why I gave up on suicide - something doesn't want me dead, at least not yet. Something watches out for me. It can't protect me from injuring myself in minor ways, like the torn cartilage in my knees, but it has protected me from a lot of the big stuff. I'm never where bad things happen anymore. When we got robbed, I was at work - pretty much stuck at work, too. I think I'd been called in because Alea called out sick. There are all kinds of smaller 'coincidences' that have had things falling into place in my life. Usually I'm so tired and annoyed all the time that I don't look at just how well things have gone for me over the past year or so, but in many ways they have. It's not quite like living a charmed life, lol, because otherwise I'd have hit Megabucks by now...
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I miss it, yanno. When I was Malachite, I was a Witch and I could bend the Universe to my will. I trafficked with ancient entities, bartered myself for certain favors, opened myself to unseen powers. I was a channel, an empty vessel... and I was the hand that wrote fate, all at the same time. There's a lot of ego tied up in that kind of power - it's easy to fall into that mindset, too. Or it used to be. All is vanity. For all that power & energy and disregard of Karmic lawsdisdain of Karmic laws I still lived in crappy circumstances. Still do, really. All my adolescent meditation and training got me oh-so-far. Of course, strangely enough, I never asked for money. Only more power, more knowledge, more ability to bend the wills of others to my desires. I never fell into the traps, either. Never asked for anyone specific to love me... never asked directly for any specific thing that might backfire horribly. Always so cautious because I knew what I was dealing with - the manner of the intelligences behind the imagery.

This morning I heard a voice, in the back of my mind. Someone said, "Hello Malachite, it's been a long time." It wyrded me out a little, because I had forgotten the name I took. Yes, it's only been 12 years or so but when you stop thinking of yourself as someone that thread ceases to exist. The bowl was broken, the chord was severed, Malachite, for all intents & purposes, died. Everything since 1995 has been some version of online personas that are more real to me than I am anymore. I guess in a way an online persona is a 'magical' name. But hearing it, even within my own head in someone else's voice, made me want to stretch out my hand & see if I could still make sparks fly. Instead, I heard the brick wall go up with a solid thud, that brick wall that keeps my ego caged. Don't need that crap anymore. I chalk it up to the time of year, the thunderstorms, the eclipse. Thought about how Unkle Al died, in filth & poverty, thought about nothing, thought about no-thing-ness & tried not to think about the Ain Soph Aur.

Rob & I finally went into Warsong Gulch t'other night. I rated the most kills for our little session, and instantly, I understood what other people meant by the term zergfest. That was what it was - a zergfest. (hey, someone on Charmed just said, "kthxbai", lawl) I met the awesome combo of rogue/mage. The mage freezes you between two stealthed rogues who just take turns sapping you until you commit suicide out of frustration, or the ice thaws & you can go kick that little gnome mage's clothe-covered ass. Ferdie, I'm gunning for you.
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I am not sleepy, not one iota. This utterly sucks because I have to go to work tonight.

I saw someone's profile on okcupid, & okcupid tells you useless random things about your fellow sitemates, like, "So & So just added 'witch' to her profile!" It got me thinking. I haven't referred to myself as a witch in a very long time. I haven't used the word 'witchcraft' in a very long time, either. I used to call myself a witch all the time, trying to empower that word & dismiss its negative stereotypes by parading it out in public. But somehow, pantheist & animist & Pagan have superceded witch. And even though the way I 'practice', if you want to call it that, is more shamanistic in nature, I don't feel comfy calling myself a 'shaman'. So Pagan I am. I don't remember when I stopped calling myself a witch. I never called myself a Wiccan, as in "Hi, I'm Janelle & I'm Wiccan!" I'd usually say, "I'm a witch & I practice Wicca", with the emphasis placed on witch. But now it's "I'm a fat ol' Pagan woman".

Weird how we pick up labels.

I had a really funny thought, tho, thinking about old-school Pagan/Wiccan/witchcraft. Anyone remember (or still use) the phrase "93 & Blessed Be"?
I coined a new one, but mainly fans of Douglas Adams will understand the many pop-culture & underlying references (another one just occurred to me involving the Great Arkleseizure): "42 & Bless You".

(The new '93 & Blessed Be' seems to be 'Namaste', which I don't use often or at all because I'm not sure exactly how to pronounce it... is that last 'e' silent?)

Almanac...

Jun. 10th, 2005 09:10 am
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If I could only spell... anyway, 313 years ago today, Bridgette Bishop became the first person to be executed as a witch in Salem, MA.
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Rob says that he is 'Half-Caf Vanilla Latte Goth w/whipped cream & sprinkles'... he is also 'Grunge When Grunge was Just Dirty, but Then He Took a Shower'.

I, on the otherhand, am 'Goth Before Goth was Called Goth and People Just Thought We Were Creepy Morbid Kids'.

So, due to the ever-increasing interpersonnel problems at work, I went to the Psychic Guy this afternoon, seeking the ever-elusive black 7-day jar candle... all they had in stock was pink, white & green 'St. Jude's Lucky Green Clover' (and I bitched about this to some big fat old white guy wearing a Kinte cloth African style hat who asked me if I was finding everything o.k.)... so I had to suffice for white. Got some funky scented Protection and Dragon's Blood oils, more funky scented (and blue - Gods, I hope it doesn't turn me into Smurfette) Protection bathsalts, sand for ye olde charcoal incense burner... and some irritation for toppers.

As the woman behind the counter is ringing up my purchase, she accidentally keyed in the oils as $475 instead of $4.75. I made some laughing remark that 'Boy, for that price, those oils had really better work!" She looked up at me & said "Well, if your intentions are good, they'll do just fine." I must have had a really odd look on my face because she stepped back away from the counter & I was like, "Hey, I'm just protecting myself so my intentions are just fine." As we were leaving, she calls out again, "Remember, good intentions!" I fully intended on flipping her off as I left, but some Pagans take that as a Horned God-like compliment & I didn't want her to get mixed messages. I had to suffice for under-the-breath muttering because I may actually need to go back as it is the only place close to my side of town. I'm like, "Hey, lady, don't tell me how to work my magic. You aint my High Priestess or my mama!"

It is my belief that any experienced Pagan, be they Wiccan or whatever, would have recognized my intent from my purchases. Dragon's Blood Oil, Protection Oil & matching funky blue bathsalts, incense burner sand (half of which I spilled on their floor so it should have only cost me a quarter), and a WHITE candle. You can't do shit w/a white candle other than purify or protect... or possibly project your desired color onto it. So I'm irked. Maybe I deserved it for pointing out her cash register mistake, but she laughed, too. I suppose it would have been different if I walked up to the counter, explained my situation & desire, and asked 'What should I do?' Instead, I felt like I was buying apples at the grocery store & the clerk had told me, "Remember, those are for eating!"

I have just been finding that my coworkers have been turning me into a very ugly person, and I think they're going to find an unwelcome change in me tonight. I am not going to listen to the complaints & bickering. If someone comes into the office where I am trapped in my cube, & starts bitching, I'm going to tell them to go fill out a voluntary or make an official complaint to a manager. I'm sick & tired of it. I've found that since all I do is complain about my coworkers complaining to me about their coworkers, it's time to change some things.

Rob & I got a huge 'round tuit this weekend. This house is so pathetically clean. I feel sorry for the dust bunnies - they've been thoroughly banished. I think I'm going to go take my blue bathsalts & soak for a few. Let the fun begin.
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Yesterday, MGM/Mirage offered to buy out Mandalay Bay Resorts - in a cash transaction coming to about $8 billion. Today's newspaper article mentioned that if the MGM/Mirage did succeed in their plan, the Excalibur itself would most likely be scheduled for implosion, and also that hotel execs had not planned on telling the employees until the deal was finalized. Thanks a lot, guys, for your loyalty and commitment to your hirelings. Personally, I think that if I were in the MGM/Mirage shoes, I would also blow up the Excalibur - the place is a hole, a cesspit of foulness & sewage. I know what they were waiting for - MGM wants the Mandalay Bay's convention space & the Events Center, but they were waiting around to see if the cost of building & running the place would actually pay off - it did, fantastically.
I know when I get to work tonight, that article is probably going to be plastered across every open space available & everyone will be running amok w/fear & speculation. But ya know what? I think it's time for a change for me personally anyway. Why else have I been chanting a mantra to Kali? Why else have I been trying to work my way back into County employment? Why else have I been trying to pay off long-overdue bills while I had the opportunity?
As I posted on the Pagan tribe over at tribe.net, I believe that a witch is someone who inflicts change. As a witch, I'm working my craft - on myself. Unfortunately, I may have helped put a chain of events in motion that inflicted change on a whole lotta other people in the meantime. Oh well.
In other news, Rob quit his once-a-week security job, and is still expecting me to do dishes. Ass.
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They installed a new movie system at work. But did they bother to fix our spreadsheet or tell us how to account for the new movie system? No, they did not. So who's been feeling the heat from Non-Gaming Audit for the past 2 days? Yup, that's right. I am the Monkey in the Middle. Nora made a mistake on the 24th that should have been fixed on the 25th, no one told me til last night, & now they're asking for small impossibilities that I cannot deliver. I mean, I can fix the problem, but provide 3 days worth of reports? Uh, no, sorry. Data will not compute that way.
My hips hurt. I knew it would be bad, but I didn't realize just how bad. Ah well, such it is to be female.
Josh wants me to teach him how to block his mind from negative manifestations. I am an expert in that particular field, but I've got years of magickal (with a K) thinking under my belt. It's weird. You start learning about this particular school of thought - that we all have the power to inflict change upon the Universe using willpower, desire, & various formulae & tools and it changes your life. Sets you apart from the average Joe so to speak. I breathe a different way of thinking. Magic - even tho I don't "do spells" I'm still a witch, I'm still an archetype of an ancient & powerful symbol within the collective subconscious. And people are drawn to me as the representative of that archetype. I get all the weird questions: "How do I stop these thoughts from popping into my head - because everytime I think something bad's going to happen, it does?" Self-discipline & remaining conscious of your own thought processes, dearheart. Meditation. That dreaded & loathed mental exercise that is the key to Life, the Universe & Everything.
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Tonight's one of my favorite kind of desert nights. I can feel Autumn under the oppressive heat, there's heat lightning coming across the valley, low to the ground. We drove up Craig Rd. to the bank & the wind was swirling little eddies of dust across the street, illuminated by oncoming headlights... When I lived w/Jody up on Las Vegas Blvd. (in the estimable Blue Bird Trailer Park) I used to take Lady (my psycho dog) out for runs along the washes on nights like this. I'd let her off her leash & we'd run & run across those patches of desert that aren't there anymore. I'd roll in the dirt w/her, come home filthy & with tumbleweed bits caught in my hair. Me, Sneakers & Brutus used to do the same over off of Lamb. Sometimes I'd walk to Eric or Phillip's house (before Phillip got bodysnatched by Garth Brooks & Amway, that is.) in the dead of night, one time Phillip gave me a guitar & I felt so cool walking home w/it over my shoulder. Ah, to be 15 again.
Of course, I can feel that tide, still, pulling me along, all yearning & hunger...
The typical backlash of any magickal working is that when you work a spell on someone else you really work it on yourself. That's really what the threefold return is all about.

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Rainbow Serpent Woman

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