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The First Sin
Jul. 11th, 2014 12:58 am
As part of my slave persona, Rob has set up some trials for me to endure. Since he is Lord Brimstone, and because, well, fuck, he's Rob, the trials are based on the Seven Deadly Sins.
The first one is Greed. We were supposed to have a session tonight, but I got hit with some mental health stuff that interrupted it. Rob is pushing me to talk during our sessions. He wants to hear me beg and plead basically. Like many other subs, when I get into slave-mode, I become quiet and shy. I'm a close-mouthed person to begin with, and could sometimes go a few days without saying more than 5 words per day. Talking during sex, begging, pleading & asking for things I want, is just not something I'm good at. I had been thinking about good things to say, sort of working on a casual script. But, I didn't know how I was going to pull it off, and the asking/pleading thing bugs me. I don't even ask for things I need IRL, and whenever possible, I do things myself.
I did take some HBW this morning, and I was starting to feel really good. Then Rob, who was dealing w/the truck, kept calling me, then we got a bunch of sexy toys in the mail, so he wouldn't quit calling me - and because the dog loses her shit every time a phone rings I got really frazzled. Since I was planning on getting high, I haven't been taking any Elavil (there are contraindications for Elavil & LSA) and my sleep has been spotty. Like, um, I worked Tuesday night, slept a fitful five hours on Wednesday, took a two-hour nap early Thursday morning, and haven't slept since. Sleep, I'm finding, is extremely important to my mental health & physical well-being.
Rob finally came home around 1 or 2 Thurs afternoon - the truck still won't pass smog, but they did some wiring & re-fusing & tomorrow he's got to drive it for an hour or so to reset the computers & then go back to the shop to see if it'll pass smog.
We opened all our toys & played around some. As part of my preparation for my Lesson in Greed, my Lord and Master wanted me to dress slutty & go into a sex shop to buy a certain type of dildo.
Well, I don't have slutty clothes. I don't have sexy clothes. I've got pants & jeans. No skirts or dresses that hit above my knees. No shorts. My calves are fucked up from being allergic to my wool uniform - I've got some cellulitis-type scarring & constant irritation on both of them. I can't exactly take steroids or antihistamines 24/7 until we get new uniforms (which will hopefully be soon). No amount of TLC, lotions, etc, make the calf situation better, and some make it considerably worse. To top it off, at the beginning of 2013 I was bitten by some kind of venomous spider, didn't go to the ER or my regular doctor, and picked at it so it got infected & ulcerated. My left calf looks like bad ham. Therefore, I don't like showing them off in public.
I've got a bunch of over-sized, flowing, bohemian looking stuff that frankly doesn't match my new collar and is kind of cumbersome for doing stuff to myself while driving to said sex shop or back home. All of my clothing for the past 10 years or so has been purchased with the sole intent to hide me. It all fits like a potato sack.
I stood there looking at all these long cotton skirts & dresses and got really frustrated. I could feel my brain wanting to just give up, come back out to the living room, sit at the computer & start playing Triple Town or WoW or some shit, and just basically give up. But I stopped myself. I told myself that I am a grown woman who is trying desperately to heal.
I came out in the living room & explained my dilemma to my husband, and told him I was going to take a shower, and after that asked him to take me to the mall. I had a shower epiphany. I am greedy. I do want more. I want more out of life for me, Rob & Chelsie. I want more out of life for Jody and Terry, and their kids & grandkids. I want more out of life for Rob's family.
I want more health.
I want more fun.
I want more excitement.
I want more wonderment.
I want more pleasure.
I want more happiness.
I want more love.
I don't want to let go of what I've gained, either. I want to hold on to every last drop with a death-grip and not let go. I am not going to let myself or anyone else rob me of what I have managed to gather for myself.
I came to another realization this afternoon. Working with Rainbow Serpent has shown me that I am shedding my skin. It's been dull, drab and my eyes have been milky and hazy. I haven't been seeing the world clearly, and I've been stuck in my old skin for far too long. I am Rainbow Serpent Woman now, Cihuacoatl. I have always been Cihuacoatl, but I've been stuck in old useless skins and my true shimmering rainbow scales have been hidden from sight. (To work it in with my Lord & Master's 'master plan' which will culminate in his giving me a slave-name, which shall be Sin, I am THE Serpent, the Serpent in the Garden, the Serpent of Wisdom, the Serpent who offered Eve the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Life and Death - Rob ate that up, but it made sense to me, too - I am the Greedy Serpent that offers my dieting co-workers really good food).
Long story short, I hit Torrid like a sledgehammer and have a collection of cute, comfortable, well-fitting clothing that flatters my curves (and none of that Spanx shit, thank you very much) that are for me. I've also got a couple of slutty things to wear for my Lord and Master.
The first one is Greed. We were supposed to have a session tonight, but I got hit with some mental health stuff that interrupted it. Rob is pushing me to talk during our sessions. He wants to hear me beg and plead basically. Like many other subs, when I get into slave-mode, I become quiet and shy. I'm a close-mouthed person to begin with, and could sometimes go a few days without saying more than 5 words per day. Talking during sex, begging, pleading & asking for things I want, is just not something I'm good at. I had been thinking about good things to say, sort of working on a casual script. But, I didn't know how I was going to pull it off, and the asking/pleading thing bugs me. I don't even ask for things I need IRL, and whenever possible, I do things myself.
I did take some HBW this morning, and I was starting to feel really good. Then Rob, who was dealing w/the truck, kept calling me, then we got a bunch of sexy toys in the mail, so he wouldn't quit calling me - and because the dog loses her shit every time a phone rings I got really frazzled. Since I was planning on getting high, I haven't been taking any Elavil (there are contraindications for Elavil & LSA) and my sleep has been spotty. Like, um, I worked Tuesday night, slept a fitful five hours on Wednesday, took a two-hour nap early Thursday morning, and haven't slept since. Sleep, I'm finding, is extremely important to my mental health & physical well-being.
Rob finally came home around 1 or 2 Thurs afternoon - the truck still won't pass smog, but they did some wiring & re-fusing & tomorrow he's got to drive it for an hour or so to reset the computers & then go back to the shop to see if it'll pass smog.
We opened all our toys & played around some. As part of my preparation for my Lesson in Greed, my Lord and Master wanted me to dress slutty & go into a sex shop to buy a certain type of dildo.
Well, I don't have slutty clothes. I don't have sexy clothes. I've got pants & jeans. No skirts or dresses that hit above my knees. No shorts. My calves are fucked up from being allergic to my wool uniform - I've got some cellulitis-type scarring & constant irritation on both of them. I can't exactly take steroids or antihistamines 24/7 until we get new uniforms (which will hopefully be soon). No amount of TLC, lotions, etc, make the calf situation better, and some make it considerably worse. To top it off, at the beginning of 2013 I was bitten by some kind of venomous spider, didn't go to the ER or my regular doctor, and picked at it so it got infected & ulcerated. My left calf looks like bad ham. Therefore, I don't like showing them off in public.
I've got a bunch of over-sized, flowing, bohemian looking stuff that frankly doesn't match my new collar and is kind of cumbersome for doing stuff to myself while driving to said sex shop or back home. All of my clothing for the past 10 years or so has been purchased with the sole intent to hide me. It all fits like a potato sack.
I stood there looking at all these long cotton skirts & dresses and got really frustrated. I could feel my brain wanting to just give up, come back out to the living room, sit at the computer & start playing Triple Town or WoW or some shit, and just basically give up. But I stopped myself. I told myself that I am a grown woman who is trying desperately to heal.
I came out in the living room & explained my dilemma to my husband, and told him I was going to take a shower, and after that asked him to take me to the mall. I had a shower epiphany. I am greedy. I do want more. I want more out of life for me, Rob & Chelsie. I want more out of life for Jody and Terry, and their kids & grandkids. I want more out of life for Rob's family.
I want more health.
I want more fun.
I want more excitement.
I want more wonderment.
I want more pleasure.
I want more happiness.
I want more love.
I don't want to let go of what I've gained, either. I want to hold on to every last drop with a death-grip and not let go. I am not going to let myself or anyone else rob me of what I have managed to gather for myself.
I came to another realization this afternoon. Working with Rainbow Serpent has shown me that I am shedding my skin. It's been dull, drab and my eyes have been milky and hazy. I haven't been seeing the world clearly, and I've been stuck in my old skin for far too long. I am Rainbow Serpent Woman now, Cihuacoatl. I have always been Cihuacoatl, but I've been stuck in old useless skins and my true shimmering rainbow scales have been hidden from sight. (To work it in with my Lord & Master's 'master plan' which will culminate in his giving me a slave-name, which shall be Sin, I am THE Serpent, the Serpent in the Garden, the Serpent of Wisdom, the Serpent who offered Eve the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Life and Death - Rob ate that up, but it made sense to me, too - I am the Greedy Serpent that offers my dieting co-workers really good food).
Long story short, I hit Torrid like a sledgehammer and have a collection of cute, comfortable, well-fitting clothing that flatters my curves (and none of that Spanx shit, thank you very much) that are for me. I've also got a couple of slutty things to wear for my Lord and Master.
