Namaste, Bitches

Saved for easy retrieval:

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
2. What is your greatest fear?
3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
5. Which living person do you most admire?
6. What is your greatest extravagance?
7. What is your current state of mind?
8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
9. On what occasion do you lie?
10. What do you most dislike about your appearance?
11. Which living person do you most despise?
12. What is the quality you most like in a man?
13. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
15. What or who is the greatest love of your life?
16. When and where were you happiest?
17. Which talent would you most like to have?
18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
19. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
21. Where would you most like to live?
22. What is your most treasured possession?
23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
24. What is your favorite occupation?
25. What is your most marked characteristic?
26. What do you most value in your friends?
27. Who are your favorite writers?
28. Who is your hero of fiction?
29. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
30. Who are your heroes in real life?
31. What are your favorite names?
32. What is it that you most dislike?
33. What is your greatest regret?
34. How would you like to die?
35. What is your motto?

As part of my slave persona, Rob has set up some trials for me to endure. Since he is Lord Brimstone, and because, well, fuck, he's Rob, the trials are based on the Seven Deadly Sins.

The first one is Greed. We were supposed to have a session tonight, but I got hit with some mental health stuff that interrupted it. Rob is pushing me to talk during our sessions. He wants to hear me beg and plead basically. Like many other subs, when I get into slave-mode, I become quiet and shy. I'm a close-mouthed person to begin with, and could sometimes go a few days without saying more than 5 words per day. Talking during sex, begging, pleading & asking for things I want, is just not something I'm good at. I had been thinking about good things to say, sort of working on a casual script. But, I didn't know how I was going to pull it off, and the asking/pleading thing bugs me. I don't even ask for things I need IRL, and whenever possible, I do things myself.

I did take some HBW this morning, and I was starting to feel really good. Then Rob, who was dealing w/the truck, kept calling me, then we got a bunch of sexy toys in the mail, so he wouldn't quit calling me - and because the dog loses her shit every time a phone rings I got really frazzled. Since I was planning on getting high, I haven't been taking any Elavil (there are contraindications for Elavil & LSA) and my sleep has been spotty. Like, um, I worked Tuesday night, slept a fitful five hours on Wednesday, took a two-hour nap early Thursday morning, and haven't slept since. Sleep, I'm finding, is extremely important to my mental health & physical well-being.

Rob finally came home around 1 or 2 Thurs afternoon - the truck still won't pass smog, but they did some wiring & re-fusing & tomorrow he's got to drive it for an hour or so to reset the computers & then go back to the shop to see if it'll pass smog.

We opened all our toys & played around some. As part of my preparation for my Lesson in Greed, my Lord and Master wanted me to dress slutty & go into a sex shop to buy a certain type of dildo.

Well, I don't have slutty clothes. I don't have sexy clothes. I've got pants & jeans. No skirts or dresses that hit above my knees. No shorts. My calves are fucked up from being allergic to my wool uniform - I've got some cellulitis-type scarring & constant irritation on both of them. I can't exactly take steroids or antihistamines 24/7 until we get new uniforms (which will hopefully be soon). No amount of TLC, lotions, etc, make the calf situation better, and some make it considerably worse. To top it off, at the beginning of 2013 I was bitten by some kind of venomous spider, didn't go to the ER or my regular doctor, and picked at it so it got infected & ulcerated. My left calf looks like bad ham. Therefore, I don't like showing them off in public.

I've got a bunch of over-sized, flowing, bohemian looking stuff that frankly doesn't match my new collar and is kind of cumbersome for doing stuff to myself while driving to said sex shop or back home. All of my clothing for the past 10 years or so has been purchased with the sole intent to hide me. It all fits like a potato sack.

I stood there looking at all these long cotton skirts & dresses and got really frustrated. I could feel my brain wanting to just give up, come back out to the living room, sit at the computer & start playing Triple Town or WoW or some shit, and just basically give up. But I stopped myself. I told myself that I am a grown woman who is trying desperately to heal.

I came out in the living room & explained my dilemma to my husband, and told him I was going to take a shower, and after that asked him to take me to the mall. I had a shower epiphany. I am greedy. I do want more. I want more out of life for me, Rob & Chelsie. I want more out of life for Jody and Terry, and their kids & grandkids. I want more out of life for Rob's family. 

I want more health.
I want more fun.
I want more excitement.
I want more wonderment.
I want more pleasure.
I want more happiness.
I want more love.

I don't want to let go of what I've gained, either. I want to hold on to every last drop with a death-grip and not let go. I am not going to let myself or anyone else rob me of what I have managed to gather for myself.

I came to another realization this afternoon. Working with Rainbow Serpent has shown me that I am shedding my skin. It's been dull, drab and my eyes have been milky and hazy. I haven't been seeing the world clearly, and I've been stuck in my old skin for far too long. I am Rainbow Serpent Woman now, Cihuacoatl. I have always been Cihuacoatl, but I've been stuck in old useless skins and my true shimmering rainbow scales have been hidden from sight. (To work it in with my Lord & Master's 'master plan' which will culminate in his giving me a slave-name, which shall be Sin, I am THE Serpent, the Serpent in the Garden, the Serpent of Wisdom, the Serpent who offered Eve the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Life and Death - Rob ate that up, but it made sense to me, too - I am the Greedy Serpent that offers my dieting co-workers really good food).

Long story short, I hit Torrid like a sledgehammer and have a collection of cute, comfortable, well-fitting clothing that flatters my curves (and none of that Spanx shit, thank you very much) that are for me. I've also got a couple of slutty things to wear for my Lord and Master.

LSA is schedule III & not really tested for. Safe high, woohoo!

It's kind of weird... I'm doing laundry & going over my therapy session from yesterday. The suicidal thoughts have pretty much gone away. I imagined myself telling Rob exactly how close I came to offing myself, and me-in-my-head finished up by saying 'and I never want to feel that way again'.

Kind of took me aback. So there is some part of me that has a self-preservative streak. Interesting. A new me is unfolding, and it's kind of frightening and exhilirating all at the same time.

This isn't a typical urge for me, but over the past few weeks I've been wanting to trip balls. I don't know if it's a side-effect of the Zoloft or a side effect of feeling better, but damn, I want to get high so bad. I have no idea who I could score anything off of. I know my backyard neighbors are growing weed, but that's not what I want. I want mescaline, LSD, DMT, X, something that will make me see pretty colors.

I keep getting the urge to ask facebook if anyone knows where I can score some LSD, but I think that would be a Very Bad Idea. I'm feeling reckless and confident, but not that reckless. It's a fine line between reckless and retarded.

Josh eventually texted me back, and now he's worrying me because everything is hearts and roses w/him. He also gave me a classic and hilarious line: "If I was rich I would make all your dreams come true". I laughed so fucking hard over that. He's also told me I have perfect nipples, which was far more endearing than making dreams reality.

Well, if I was rich all my dreams would be true, motherfucker.

I'm liking the New & Improved Zoloft-Enriched Me. I'm fucking awesome.

I kind of feel like I've wasted the past decade or so. I feel so good right now. It's a world of difference between how I was feeling back in Dec/Jan vs. the past two weeks. I'm still a waste of human space, but at least now I'm an alert & curious, waste of human space. 

I almost accidentally applied for a 911 Dispatcher position in Elko, NV. I don't even know where Elko is. 

I also accidentally on-purpose sent a text to Josh. It's been almost 12 hours w/no response. I don't think he's taking the bait. I'm going to let him  go I suppose. It's just mean of me to keep trying to string him along when I don't really want to be with him as a partner. 

It's always made me curious as to why men get so possessive & protective of me. The women I've been with, too. I don't think I project that needy dependent vibe. Of course, I never get to ask any of them after the relationships end. We always just go our separate ways, no questions asked. 

OMFGs!!!

My sex drive is back! It's amazing! It's incredible! It's like my sex overdrive!

Everybody is sexy! Everything is sexy!

I haven't felt this damned sexy for many many moons.

Thank you Zoloft!

Talked to Rob about my shallow emotions, and my inability to feel anything deeply. He doesn't care as long as I'm not mean to him or the dog. He's ok with me pretending/acting, whatever. He also told me that I am different from almost everyone he's ever met in one important way - I accept. I accept other people pretty much at face value, and I'm a live-and-let-live kind of person at heart. I do judge other people, but it's mostly in my own head and I don't really expect other people to stop doing what they're doing just because I think they're a bad person - as long as they're not doing it to me.

It's not like my disaffection prevents me from doing anything. I'm not always motivated to provoke others or anger others or push other people's buttons. Inasmuch as I like the free entertainment it provides, I can also be kind. I can act compassionately, even if I'm not a compassionate or empathetic person. I know the difference between 'right' and 'wrong', and what is socially acceptable behavior in most situations. I've been doing it all along, anyway. Doesn't matter what I feel or don't feel, as long as I know what to do.

I think the most important thing is that I start accepting myself, with all my kinks and quirks. Stop beating myself up for being a bad Pagan (hellooo Apatheism!), stop beating myself up because I have the emotional depth of an ice cube tray, stop beating myself up because I communicate better with dogs & computers than people.

I am kind, and I can be kind to myself, too.

I guess I'm back to this again.

I'm hoping it's just drunken text speak. Josh has proclaimed his love for me. If it's drunken text speak then we're cool. I love everyone & their mother when I'm drunk, too.

If it's not, and he's deluded himself into this... I'm going to break his heart. I already feel like shit about it.