Namaste, Bitches

I feel like the guy in the Turn Down for What video. I just want to smash things with my crotch and hump anything I can't smash.

It's kind of frightening. I am not used to feeling good. Really good. Really damned good. I keep thinking it's some horrible side effect, like serotonin syndrome or something. I feel alert & active & curious. It's been years.

We've been dealing w/neighbor issues this entire weekend (which is Weds/Thurs for me). We have a broken wall now thanks to some would-be parkourdouche using our wall as a shortcut. He's going to be really fucking surprised when I catch him & happen to have a cast iron skillet in my hand. It's one of the neighbor's kid's friends.

A part of me is daydreaming about calling Josh & asking if he wants to take a boat to the Virgin Islands. Not that I would go but at least a part of me is feeling adventurous enough to consider the possibilities.

Josh hasn't called or texted me in about 48 hours. Either he's been arrested... or...

I keep getting this weird sensation that he's going to show up and make things truly awkward for me. It's had me scanning the casino every time I have to go out there. I keep hearing someone calling my name.

In other news, our Neon crapped out & we did something to our truck by taking it up a couple of miles of gravel road.

And it's definitely Spring. Which is a beautiful thing, because it's been a very long winter for me.

Eh heh.

The High Priestess is highly introspective. Ever since I brought her out & set her up next to my bed, and asked her to talk to me, I've been more depressed than normal. I also haven't been able to figure out why my depression has taken a severe downward swing. I've also been thinking about how isolated I am personally, and how even though I don't do anything about it, suicide is part of my daily thoughts. I mean, it's always there, somewhere, lurking, but lately it's been moving towards full-blown planning. Along with all this, there is the feminine archetypal receptivity which means I've been wanting to pick up random guys. Mixed messages - I'm down, I want to die, but hey, buddy, can you spare a good lay?

It looks like I'm going to be the full-time night auditor in a few weeks. I may have to put the High Priestess away before I'm 'done', so to speak, because I'm way too sensitive to my environment at work. Things I could normally ignore, like my coworkers, are needling me. Being night auditor 40 hours a week means sitting in an office, isolated from the people I normally see and don't mind being around at least 3 nights a week, and instead I'm stuck with people who annoy the living crap out of me (the PBX operators) in a stuffy little room with dark red carpet on the walls and no ventilation.

I keep making this comparison between the PBX operators and Goldilocks. Goldilocks was all, "this bed is too hard... this bed is too soft" but eventually she found the bed and porridge that were just right. The PBX operators? Noooooo. As I left for my weekend on Wednesday morning, one of the operators was complaining, and I quote: "My back has been killing me all night! This chair is too hard! This chair is too soft! This one is too tall! This one is too short!" I bailed before she finished & before I could bust out in brays of ass-like laughter. I laughed all the fucking way home.

I can't help but feel that if Blizzard sticks with their current concept for female Worgens, we will be overrun with furries.

Exhibit A:



Even though I'm not a roleplayer in WoW, I do occasionally prefer to play on role-playing servers. It cuts down on the general juvenile asshattery in trade chat. Most of the hardcore RPers only RP in 'say', which means only the folks standing nearby can see your conversations. Even though I don't get involved, I respect RPers and will banter when engaged. I've been sexually harassed a couple of times. I don't get into cyber, and some folks have proven themselves to be persistent and turn nasty when refused. I'm like, well, that's what the 'Ignore' button is for, and go on about my business.

In real life, as I've spent time in various forums and chat rooms, I've encountered role-players of various ilk. I've also gotten requests for cybering and what-not. I have encountered some furries, mainly because of screen names involving coyotes or bears. I've stopped using most of the 'bear' references in my screen names because I spent a lot of time being chatted up by people who thought I was into large, hairy gay men or who thought I was a large hairy gay man. But the coyote thing seemed to attract furries like it was the internet equivalent of fox urine or something.

I'm generally a tolerant and accepting person when it comes to sexual fetishes and weird ideas about one's origins. This is one of those lines where my tolerance & acceptance starts to wear thin. I have very little patience or understanding for furries or 'otherkin'. Personally, I think furries need to grow up. I find it hard to see them in a positive light, especially when their kinks bleed over into their daily life. To sit and chat with someone, believing them to be a fairly normal individual & then have them whip out 'yiff' is akin to having one's leg humped by a drunk fourteen-year-old in a dirty school mascot costume. It's really not fun or pleasurable, it's just embarrassing for everyone involved, especially when the fourteen-year-old is the only one who's not sober.

If I decided to roll a female Worgen, I can just imagine the inevitable result. I'd be standing in the Auction house some day, shopping for upgrades or recipes or what-not, and all of a sudden I'd get a tell of, "Yiffypop sniffs under your tail curiously". My response would be something akin to "Plaguedog rips Yiffy's freaking head off and stuffs it down his throat, and pisses on his twitching corpse!" I could foresee that scenario replaying itself in infinite variations, all the way from the starting area to lvl 80 raids. Rob doesn't see it happening, & he brings up the Tauren female, who are basically anthropomorphized cows, but they are the fat chicks of WoW. No one would admit to being attracted to that particular lumpy arrangement of pixels (except me, because I dig chicks with hooves & horns and hips).

I don't know why furries skeeve me out. The feeling I get from encounters with them is a lot like how I feel when I've met people who are into infantilism. They've got issues & are dealing with them in a very wrong way. If you want to have sex with animals, why not just find an accommodating pet of some kind? Why feel it necessary to take a perfectly good squirrel or something & give it human features? If I feel the urge to have sex with a dog, I'm going to go have sex with a dog, not pretend to have sex with some guy in a dog costume.

Thinking about getting my clit hood pierced. I should have done it on Tuesday when I still had four days off, but the father-in-law's been in the hospital all week. He's going home tomorrow hopefully so we'll be able to leave the house (got some stuff accomplished at least. I passed my Linux final, which was easier than I'd expected, mainly because the professor based the final off the chapter quizzes. Hooray for saving my work. I cleaned the stove, too :P)

I just don't know if I should try horizontal w/a barbell or ring/ball combo, or vertical w/a barbell. Choices, choices. I e-mailed Ironhorse Tattoos about prices, but if they don't e-mail me back tonight or tomorrow morning, I'll just call.

Everywhere I go, I look for Mr. Bowling Shirt Guy, aka Mr. Fix-It, aka the Man of My Dreams. I'm still having dreams about him, whoever he is or whatever he represents. Last night he embraced me from behind & whispered, "You'll destroy me" against the back of my neck. I could also feel his hard-on against the small of my back, so he didn't seem too bothered by his impending destruction. He's got kind of a mid-western drawl.

I've been enjoying my week-long buzz. I've got to kind of slow down though or I'm going to be a mess by Monday. Plegh. Hate the thought of going back to work when there's still beer in the fridge. Got my hunter to an 80 today, didn't even see myself ding because I was struggling to fly a dragon through the Oculus. Never been in there before. Kept losing the healer in the Halls of Lightning. First the healer, then the tank, over & over again. Make it to the first boss & wipe and everyone would drop out. Wtf, people?! Run up against one bad boss & everyone gives up. Did the Culling of Stratholme, too. Arthas is the Lich King, but there's some time-travel involved - in this particular instance, everyone in this town is about to be turned into an undead bad-guy. Arthas, at the time a human commander, has to raze the town to prevent the plague from spreading. Hard choice for a ruler. It's a fun instance, though, simply because I was running around one-shotting zombies, hollering, "THIS IS MY BOOMSTICK!!" every once in awhile.

Edited for prices... $80. Not too bad for a stainless piece & the piercing. Might get upgraded jewelry seeing as I'm a returning customer. Hrmmm...

One of the hardest things about magic for me has always been the ability to suspend my belief in the real world.

Thinking as a practiced, experienced and knowledgeable witch, I would simply create my Bowling Shirt Man. I would visualize him, down to the last button on his black and flame printed shirt, the pattern of his cotton wife-beater under it, the studs on his belt, the fade spots on his jeans, the creases in his boots... the rugged youthfulness of his high cheekbones, the blue-green of his eyes, his sardonic arched brows, his slicked, black, duck's ass hair... his voice, his swagger, his laugh. His hands... His scent.

I would visualize us meeting somewhere, a casual encounter that went farther.

And if I poured enough energy and desire into this magnificent thought-form of a man, he would appear. One thing would lead to another, and I'd have my hands full of an affair wrought from the flames of Will and want, one that would, as all things magickal are wont to do, end badly.

But Gods, the sex would be fucking fantastic while it lasted.

However, I know it'll never happen. Magick eventually falls back into the dust and spent dreams of reality.

Ok, I admit it. I have necrophiliac fantasies.

I'm sure many of you have suspected it for awhile.

I get off on zombie sex.

I don't have pretty fantasies, but they are mine, and I enjoy them immensely.

The only problem I'm having is that zombies are against my religion. Persephone and Hades don't tolerate the dead walking out of Their realm too well. I'd never imagined that my sexual quirks would ever come into conflict with my faith, especially with me not being Christian or Catholic.

I must meditate on this some more. Possibly with lubricant and fresh batteries.

According to this blog, June is International Pagan Values Blogging Month. I am going to participate, even if it's just one post.

I ran into a snag before I even got started though. I honestly don't know what my values are. Seriously. Probably because I don't really know the definition of 'value'. I always thought it was along the line of ethics and morals, but I could be way off here. And once I figure out what my values are, do they have anything to do with my being Pagan or did I develop them independently of my faith?

According to the dictionary, a value is a belief or beliefs of a person or social group in which they have an emotional investment (either for or against something). A moral is a decision based on belief of what is right or wrong, and an ethic is a theory or a system of moral values.

Ok, now that I know what a value is, what do I value, and does it relate to my religion, (if one can call Paganism of the sort that I follow a 'religion')?

Wellllll... let me pick an easy one to start off with. My sexual values.

I'm going to use the word sacred a lot. Sacred means dedicated in some way to religious usage, entitled to veneration or worship, and secured against violation or desecration.

I believe that sex is sacred, plain and simple. It is the ultimate gift a person can give to another person or persons. When a person engages in sex with another person or persons, they become deified and are the earthly avatars of the driving creative forces of the Universe.

- I believe in consensual sex. Two or more people who mutually agree to have sex with one another. Age is not
so important to me as maturity and being in control of one's faculties. To clarify - a child being
manipulated into agreeing to sex with an adult is not in control of their faculties. Same with
someone who is drunk or under the influence of mind-altering substances. I do have a lot of drunken sex,
but I'm not in my right mind at that moment so it's probably wrong to go along with me. Although I would
get pissed off if anyone turned my drunk ass down for sex.

- Sex is not a weapon.
- If I'm pissed at my husband (or any other partner or partners I may have), I do not withhold sex from
him (or her or them).
- It is wrong to be a 'cocktease', deliberately and intentionally leading someone on sexually and then
backing out at the last minute.
- I do not use it to manipulate someone into giving me something I want or use it to make someone do
something for me. At least, not any more. In the past, I have acted in this manner and I know I was in
the wrong.

- Sex is not inherently bad, sinful, wrong or disgusting.
- Genitalia are not gross or dirty. They are sacred.
- Nakedness is sacred - we were born naked. There is nothing wrong with being naked. The human body is not
gross, dirty or disgusting in & of itself. I do realize that there are people who I don't want to see
naked, and I know there are people who don't want to see me naked, and that's a matter of personal
preference, but honestly, I can handle seeing people of all shapes, sizes, colors, textures and
hirsuteness naked without forgetting that the body is indeed a temple.

- Having sex with yourself is as much of an expression of self-love and self-worship is it is a sacred act.

- Rape is a profane act. I know rape does not have so much to do with sex as it does to show power over
another living being. Because sex is sacred to me, hearing of those who use sex in this manner sickens me.
Rapists carry a taint that cannot be washed away by any act of atonement.

- Considering that to me, the body, genitals and sex are sacred, to me, plastic surgery strictly to enhance
perceived attractiveness is akin to desecration. I admit, I think about it - especially facial peels and a
boob lift, but I don't foresee myself ever succumbing to that occasional urge. (It's a tad ironic, because
Rob's listening to Seether's Fake It on youtube right now, lol). On the other hand, if a person
feels they are in the wrong body... or have a dysmorphic disorder, or they just can't stand themselves, I
believe in reincarnation and maybe their memories of a previous life as a much differently gendered or
differently-appearing person have carried over. If the body the soul inhabits is torment to the soul,
remodel the temple by all means.

- I adhere to the idea that transgendered, transsexual, transvestites, hermaphrodites are a little more
sacred than the rest of us. Yes, I've appropriated that belief from many indigenous American peoples.

- Homosexuality and bisexuality is not a sin, dirty, wrong, disgusting, or an abomination. I have met Wiccans
and a few other Pagans who feel that gays do not have a place in rituals because 'it takes a God and a
Goddess, not two Gods or two Goddesses' to do the Great Rite. Bullshit. I'm not saying this just because
I'm bisexual - I've suffered discrimination by some gays because they believe bis are trying to benefit
from their struggle (or are just playing around for kicks) - but because every person has a mixture of
masculine and feminine within them. Physical gender is only a part of the whole story.

- I have no beef with polygamy or polyamory or swinging. I've participated in polyamory and swinging. The
more the merrier, I say. But, I believe that all parties should be comfortable with the arrangements. Rob
became uncomfortable with me fucking other men, so out of respect for him, I don't do it anymore. I do not
believe that humans are meant to be monogamous, and I do chafe at the restriction, but I am true to my
word. Certain things have occurred to test me recently, and I will have to see how that all unfolds.

- I like porn and sex in advertising, but I do think the exploitation of the body to sell a product is a
little like selling indulgences. It's in poor taste. But, if a person has the opportunity to use their body
to make money, I believe it is their right to do so. I would do it if I had the body for it. In ancient
times, the temple priestesses were also prostitutes and there was no difference there - the sacred
prostitutes were sex therapists, confessors, healers, oracles and servants of the Gods. Today's prostitutes
can be all that and more, even if they don't know they have the power to do so.

- So, I know everyone's wondering, what about the BIG questions? Babies and abortions?
- Since I learned of what an abortion is, and what pro-life and pro-choice mean, I've been pro-choice. If
you have sex and end up pregnant, you have the right to choose to terminate the pregnancy. Period. I'm
not even going into when life begins, third trimester abortions, paternal consent, parental consent. You
get pregnant & don't want the kid, you should have the right to get rid of it. Personally, I think
parents should be able to abort teenagers, but that's just me. I'm from the 'I brought you into this
world, I will take you out' school of parental models.
- For Gods' sakes, use protection. Not just to prevent abortions, but to prevent diseases from desecrating
the temple. Be responsible for yourself and others. Remember, you are sacred so protect the holy ground.
- Remember, just because we can, doesn't mean we should, populate 100% of the earth's surface. Other living
creatures need homes and resources, too.

- Sex should be had mindfully and with awareness. Know what you are doing - you are embodying the creative
force of the Universe. Treat yourself and your partner(s) with reverence. Enter into it with mirth and
seriousness. Bless and be blessed by the power of the rite.