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Making Up For Lost Time
Jul. 3rd, 2005 07:59 am
Well, I don't know if my shrink wants me to write longer than 10 minutes when I feel able to or if that would be considered self-indulgent... If it is, well, then I'm indulging myself.
I realized this morning that I've been angry at her since the appointment. I have concrete goals for problems that I have in the here-&-now... and she wanted to talk about my diet & my childhood. I want solutions, not rehashing how much of an inanimate object I was as a kid.
I know a lot of the anger is just because I was so angry during the last times I went through counseling, and that crap resurfaces simply from association... the memory is a twisted file cabinet. But a lot of it is also simply because I sought help to make me stop feeling so bad, and I want a quick fix, not long, drawn out chicken-soup-for-the-soul crap.
Last night at work, I had to deal w/Bradley for an hour & a half. I finally had to go into the bathroom & hide to get away from him. The new hotel manager was grilling him about the revenue reports & of course, Bradley didn't know what the Hel most of them are - so I had to give him a crash course in night audit revenue reports, who gets them, who those people are, why they get them, why certain people don't get certain reports while others do... Bradley's been w/the Excalibur longer than I've been - you think someone would have trained him to do his job.
I keep chanting my Om Sri Kali mantra... everything around me changes but I'm still the same. My life is still the same. What am I doing wrong? My life should have shattered into a billion pieces by now - instead, everything around me is getting hit. Am I projecting the mantra too much? Not aiming it inward? How do I internalize the Kali mantra?
I obviously cannot allow myself to listen to 'Breathe (2am)' anymore - at least, not for awhile. I was walking through the casino to go home this morning & she was on the muzak system - I started listening, because I can't help it, and my chest started hitching & my bottom lip started quivering. Bad mojo. Can't let the people at my job see me cry - I am the Mistress of Darkness, after all.
I did have a spot of brightness, tho (aside from catching bits & pieces of The Addams Family Values on t.v. last night - 'Gomez, take those out of his mouth!') - I got the new, updated edition of Jamie Sams' & David Carson's Medicine Cards. They've added a jaguar, a wild boar, a black panther, a prairie dog... The cards have brighter colors, too. The book is also purple, now, instead of green. I am also looking forward to the new Harry Potter here in a coupla weeks.
I realized this morning that I've been angry at her since the appointment. I have concrete goals for problems that I have in the here-&-now... and she wanted to talk about my diet & my childhood. I want solutions, not rehashing how much of an inanimate object I was as a kid.
I know a lot of the anger is just because I was so angry during the last times I went through counseling, and that crap resurfaces simply from association... the memory is a twisted file cabinet. But a lot of it is also simply because I sought help to make me stop feeling so bad, and I want a quick fix, not long, drawn out chicken-soup-for-the-soul crap.
Last night at work, I had to deal w/Bradley for an hour & a half. I finally had to go into the bathroom & hide to get away from him. The new hotel manager was grilling him about the revenue reports & of course, Bradley didn't know what the Hel most of them are - so I had to give him a crash course in night audit revenue reports, who gets them, who those people are, why they get them, why certain people don't get certain reports while others do... Bradley's been w/the Excalibur longer than I've been - you think someone would have trained him to do his job.
I keep chanting my Om Sri Kali mantra... everything around me changes but I'm still the same. My life is still the same. What am I doing wrong? My life should have shattered into a billion pieces by now - instead, everything around me is getting hit. Am I projecting the mantra too much? Not aiming it inward? How do I internalize the Kali mantra?
I obviously cannot allow myself to listen to 'Breathe (2am)' anymore - at least, not for awhile. I was walking through the casino to go home this morning & she was on the muzak system - I started listening, because I can't help it, and my chest started hitching & my bottom lip started quivering. Bad mojo. Can't let the people at my job see me cry - I am the Mistress of Darkness, after all.
I did have a spot of brightness, tho (aside from catching bits & pieces of The Addams Family Values on t.v. last night - 'Gomez, take those out of his mouth!') - I got the new, updated edition of Jamie Sams' & David Carson's Medicine Cards. They've added a jaguar, a wild boar, a black panther, a prairie dog... The cards have brighter colors, too. The book is also purple, now, instead of green. I am also looking forward to the new Harry Potter here in a coupla weeks.
