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How to Explain...
Oct. 27th, 2006 06:45 pm
For my history class, we're supposed to watch a film about the testimony of the concentration camp survivors. All this week, I've been trying to 'get around to it'. Every time I sit at the computer, I think to myself, "I've got to watch this film"... and then I end up screwing off on MySpace or OkCupid or playing WoW. There's always e-mail to check or something else to research, (Hel, I've even worked on math!) and then it's 9:30 in the morning and therefore bedtime, & I think to myself that movie is not the last imagery I want in my head before sleeping... or it's 8 at night and I've got to go to work... in other words, I've been finding every excuse to NOT watch the film.
So I finally said 'fuck it, I'm not watching it'. I wrote my instructor a note to that effect, and I'm taking the big fat 0.
I don't even know why I can't watch the movie. The concept fills me with dread, and I can't take not knowing why something bothers me so badly. I mean, yeah, I'm depressed but I'm always depressed - not a valid excuse there. Yeah, I'm gonna be on the rag in a week, and my emotions have been closer to the surface the past coupla months during 'this time of the month', but that's definitely not a valid excuse. PMS? Me, use PMS as an excuse for anything? Hardly. (Unless it was getting out of gymnastics during PE when I had squeamish male coaches - I could get my period to last an entire quarter sometimes, heh...)(This morning, I was in the EDR eating my breakfast of shrimp cocktail & tortellini salad & the news was on. They were talking about the fire in Esperanza, CA. A man was on, talking about how he knew he had lost animals in the fire - horses, cattle, & he couldn't save his neighbor's animals - he started crying. I started crying. I literally can't stand to watch a grown man cry - I can't remember what grown man was crying last month, but I cried for that, too. Getting older sucks). I can't even say that being Pagan is the reason... Yes, the Veil is very thin, yes, crap has been roaming around the house, no I don't need any extra ghosts, but that's not the reason. I can't even say that I don't want to see starved, naked dead piled in mass graves - because everyone knows I am a great fan of goresites & Rotten.com. I groove on dead people & freaks of nature. Call me sick, twisted, morbid, whatever - I like long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners & poking dead things with a stick.
I think what it really comes down to is that I'm tired of history. I'm tired of hearing about how base and cruel people are. I'm tired of shootings, stabbings and arson. I'm tired of intolerance and prejudice and ignorance. I'm tired of genocide. I'm tired of the decay of the human spirit. Everyone seems to think that at heart, people are good - but every page in the history books says the opposite. There's a semi-famous quote from the liberation of one of the camps, I don't know if it was Bergen-Belsen, Dachau or Auschwitz, but one of the prisoners asked an American soldier, "What took you so long?" Do you really know what took us so long? No one cared. The inmates of the concentration camps were the last thing on WWII's to-do list. It's sad, but it's true.
The truth has worn me down.
So I finally said 'fuck it, I'm not watching it'. I wrote my instructor a note to that effect, and I'm taking the big fat 0.
I don't even know why I can't watch the movie. The concept fills me with dread, and I can't take not knowing why something bothers me so badly. I mean, yeah, I'm depressed but I'm always depressed - not a valid excuse there. Yeah, I'm gonna be on the rag in a week, and my emotions have been closer to the surface the past coupla months during 'this time of the month', but that's definitely not a valid excuse. PMS? Me, use PMS as an excuse for anything? Hardly. (Unless it was getting out of gymnastics during PE when I had squeamish male coaches - I could get my period to last an entire quarter sometimes, heh...)(This morning, I was in the EDR eating my breakfast of shrimp cocktail & tortellini salad & the news was on. They were talking about the fire in Esperanza, CA. A man was on, talking about how he knew he had lost animals in the fire - horses, cattle, & he couldn't save his neighbor's animals - he started crying. I started crying. I literally can't stand to watch a grown man cry - I can't remember what grown man was crying last month, but I cried for that, too. Getting older sucks). I can't even say that being Pagan is the reason... Yes, the Veil is very thin, yes, crap has been roaming around the house, no I don't need any extra ghosts, but that's not the reason. I can't even say that I don't want to see starved, naked dead piled in mass graves - because everyone knows I am a great fan of goresites & Rotten.com. I groove on dead people & freaks of nature. Call me sick, twisted, morbid, whatever - I like long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners & poking dead things with a stick.
I think what it really comes down to is that I'm tired of history. I'm tired of hearing about how base and cruel people are. I'm tired of shootings, stabbings and arson. I'm tired of intolerance and prejudice and ignorance. I'm tired of genocide. I'm tired of the decay of the human spirit. Everyone seems to think that at heart, people are good - but every page in the history books says the opposite. There's a semi-famous quote from the liberation of one of the camps, I don't know if it was Bergen-Belsen, Dachau or Auschwitz, but one of the prisoners asked an American soldier, "What took you so long?" Do you really know what took us so long? No one cared. The inmates of the concentration camps were the last thing on WWII's to-do list. It's sad, but it's true.
The truth has worn me down.
