Body Image

I think part of my lackadaisical approach to dieting is because I honestly like my body. Yes, I'm fat - I can see what I really look like. I don't have a false body image, I don't see a skinny person looking back at me from the mirror. I see a round woman, short in torso & long in the leg (but still short overall). I have long, thick, strong thighs. I have a big, round belly. I have low, full, sloping breasts, wide hips, wide shoulders... with this overall exaggerated hourglass form. Unproportionately small hands & feet, feet with ridiculously high arches. I look in the mirror, I see me - and I like what I see. My one main complaint (ok, my two main complaints) - my skin & greying hair. My skin is really bad on my nose right now because I've either got a sinus infection or my allergies have descended with a vengeance, and my poor nose is so chapped & sore. It's this bright red beacon on my face & makes me feel very uggy. Anyway, I even like my nose - it's a nice nose, small & cute and it fits my face. I like my lips, my ears, my chin. I like my eyes - I used to hate having hazel eyes when I was a kid. I always got stuck with tortoiseshell eyeglass frames because 'they bring out your eyes'. Lemme tell ya something - the female nerd wears tortoiseshell framed glasses, the feminine version of the male black horn-rimmed glasses. But now, my hazel eyes are provocative & sexy, and I've got so much more to choose from in eyeglass frames since they came out with ultra-light, ultra-thin polymer lenses. Sometimes my eyes are dark, smoky blue, sometimes they're the amber of wild dogs... sometimes they turn green. Somewhere between the amber & the green is a color that is a clear chestnut brown with red flecks. It's great, really. So overall, I like myself on the outside. I don't know why but even with all the teasing & torment I suffered as a kid, being starved by Penny, being a social outcast because of my weight, I never got all the hangups. I never had this burning need to change how I looked. I accept my body, and I do love it. I'm good friends with my belly, my thighs, my back, my butt, my boobs. I like my skin from the neck down - it's soft and smooth and alabaster pale. Tattoos look good on it. I like to touch myself.

Generally, I'm physically healthy - the things that are wrong with me are the result of feeling immortal as a teenager... Mentally, well, I can't see my brain. I know there's something wrong with me, but physically I'm fine the way I am. It's hard to lose weight, hard to deny myself all those luscious carbohydrates that I crave. It's also hard to make the time before I go to work to eat healthy. So going on a diet so I can lose 40 lbs. to get a surgery... it just seems so... egh. All that work a diet & losing weight entails for a coupla hours on a hospital table followed by 6 weeks of exercise. It doesn't make sense, and I know that slowly, inexorably, the weight would come back. I think there's also a part of my brain, ever calculating finances, that is saying 'you can't afford the surgery'. Can't afford to miss 6 weeks of work, can't afford the copay for the surgery itself. I mean, 20% of $80,000 is still $16,000. And that's just a baseline figure, not including the physical therapy, possible hospital stay, anaesthesia... anything going wrong. But, I'll have more information tomorrow & I can end the speculation & begin the real work.

Speaking of work - I did 3 hours of OT last week & another 5 hours this week. Someone in Finance wanted a revenue source split from where it was going & placed into its own category on my daily report. From the beginning of January. Of course, she didn't tell us she wanted this done until like, the 15th when I was on vacation. And my faithless cohort didn't want to mess with the Excel, so by the time I came back on the 20th... that was 20 days worth of revisions. Plus they had changed other stuff at the beginning of January, so I had to do all that work twice. So by the time I finished, it was a total of 27 days worth of revisions. Stupid Finance cow. Monday night, we had maintenance downtime, a steady extra who never worked graveyard and a brand new guy. The girl who was supposed to be training him called in sick, so I did my audit at the desk while trying to train the new guy & the steady extra. Fuckadoodledoo. Next Tuesday, our new casino player's club is 'going live' - basically it's merging the Mandalay property card system to the MGM's card system. I get to go into work at 3 in the afternoon for an 8pm dateroll. I'll be getting off work Tuesday morning at 7am... to go back in at 3pm. More OT, but I'd rather have the sleep, thanks.

Dude, I got the paper today. I can't take much more of this crap.

Mooninites Invade Boston

Ok, this is completely fucked up. (adultswim) launched a rather ineffective advertising campaign in Boston. People were arrested, the bomb squad was called in to remove the magnetic lighting devices... sheesh. Boston has once again proved to be rather reactionary. 

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070201/ap_on_re_us/suspicious_devices;_ylt=AhVu35SnX07ik0ty1vHvojOs0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTA2Z2szazkxBHNlYwN0bQ--

All I got to say is... "My name is Shake-zoola, the mike rulah... (fades off because I don't know the rest of Shake's rap off the top of my head)