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Persistence of Memory
Jun. 26th, 2008 08:22 pm
Why is it when I feel darkest inside I get the most done? Why can't I be one of those depressed people who can't get out of bed? I guess I'm a high-functioning depressive, hah. I am a very good actor - I still try to involve myself, even if it's just in an online Battle of the Memes... but honestly, I could sit in the corner of an empty room and stare at a blank wall and feel just about the same. 90% of the time, everything I say I feel is just acting. I know I really need to seek some serious treatment, but it's such a colossal pain in the ass, or at least it will be til I'm off probation w/the DA's office. Try to find a pshrink open on the weekends. I know the Teamster's insurance system was cumbersome and hard to navigate when it came to finding a therapist, enough so that after the first one pissed me off I just didn't have the oomph to go through that again. Cashiers & clerks always thank me for my patience and calm demeanor when the customer before me is doing something inane and time-consuming... I tell them they're welcome, which is kind of mean because in reality I'm saying, "You're welcome to my absolute lack of caring and interest in what the moron ahead of me was doing or how long you were taking to do it."
I told Rob that it's probably just because of the Solstice. Sol is already slowly fading into the long sleep of Winter, scorching us for the next two months in the process... We started talking about how Rob gets bummed out around the holidays, mainly because of family crap. I read somewhere not too long ago that many people w/PTSD can have visceral & emotionally charged responses to happy memories just as much as bad memories, but they tend to not notice their responses to the happier memories because the bad ones are just so bad. I think that different people have different levels of memory and emotional response. Rob doesn't have PTSD but he does have an emotional connection to memories, and he does tend to focus on the unpleasant ones moreso than the positive ones. Me - I can remember things and feel absolutely nothing in response. Good memory, bad memory - nothing goes on there. It's one of the things that makes me think there is something very wrong with me, beyond anxiety and depression and some OCD thrown in for good measure. I mean, I can remember something that mad me angry - but it doesn't raise any temper in me. I can remember something that made me cry - but I don't cry again. Remembering cheerful times definitely doesn't make me cheerful. Anything I do feel is fleeting and brief.
I at least let Rob know that I really need some contact with the ocean right now. We're kind of sticking close to home for the next two or three weeks - our warrantee on the Neon is void after 30 days or 1000 miles, whichever comes first. It's only 330 miles from here to San Diego, but there and back is 660, not including whatever driving around we might do in the process (you know and I know that the minute the warrantee runs out is when the Neon is going to asplode or something, but que cera cera). Going to the Shark Reef and sticking my hand in the tank w/the sting rays in it just sort of smacked me in the head with a tease of ocean smell.
I told Rob that it's probably just because of the Solstice. Sol is already slowly fading into the long sleep of Winter, scorching us for the next two months in the process... We started talking about how Rob gets bummed out around the holidays, mainly because of family crap. I read somewhere not too long ago that many people w/PTSD can have visceral & emotionally charged responses to happy memories just as much as bad memories, but they tend to not notice their responses to the happier memories because the bad ones are just so bad. I think that different people have different levels of memory and emotional response. Rob doesn't have PTSD but he does have an emotional connection to memories, and he does tend to focus on the unpleasant ones moreso than the positive ones. Me - I can remember things and feel absolutely nothing in response. Good memory, bad memory - nothing goes on there. It's one of the things that makes me think there is something very wrong with me, beyond anxiety and depression and some OCD thrown in for good measure. I mean, I can remember something that mad me angry - but it doesn't raise any temper in me. I can remember something that made me cry - but I don't cry again. Remembering cheerful times definitely doesn't make me cheerful. Anything I do feel is fleeting and brief.
I at least let Rob know that I really need some contact with the ocean right now. We're kind of sticking close to home for the next two or three weeks - our warrantee on the Neon is void after 30 days or 1000 miles, whichever comes first. It's only 330 miles from here to San Diego, but there and back is 660, not including whatever driving around we might do in the process (you know and I know that the minute the warrantee runs out is when the Neon is going to asplode or something, but que cera cera). Going to the Shark Reef and sticking my hand in the tank w/the sting rays in it just sort of smacked me in the head with a tease of ocean smell.
