Word Up!

Reply to this meme by yelling "Words!" and I will give you five words that remind me of you. Then post them in your LJ and explain what they mean to you.

Words moonvoice associates with me :D

Paganism
It's the handy-dandy one-size-fits-all definition I've adhered to my spirituality. I'm not Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist (although I study Buddhism & don't consider it a religion, but more of a philosophy) or Hindu (although I'm eclectic enough to have stolen a few Hindu concepts - like karma and reincarnation - and deities - like Durgha). I'm also not an atheist or agnostic. In fact, I have broken the ultimate taboo and chosen a dictionary definition of Paganism - one who lacks religion.

I'm a polytheist - I believe in many Gods. Including yours. But, just because I believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster, YHVH, Satan, Isis, the Hairy Thunderer, the Cosmic Muffin, the God Who calls Himself God, Ganesh, Cerridwen, etc. & so forth, does not mean I necessarily feel the need to worship Them, and I definitely do not feel my belief or worship of any God means I cannot worship or believe in any other Gods. Which is why I'm not a Catholic, Jew, Muslim, Zoroastrian or Christian - those guys flat out forbid Their worshippers to worship Anyone else. In Vodou, worship given to any one lwa is worship given to All.
 
I'm an animist - I believe that every organic thing has a spirit or soul. Mountains, rocks, trees, oceans, grains of sand, animals, people - all have souls. I believe that manmade things do not have spirits or souls - once the natural material has been ripped from its source, the spirit dies and reincarnates. Manmade things may gain energy - like the Yuma Prison. That place seethes with energy, and not in a good way, but it does not have a soul.

I'm a pantheist - I believe that every organic soul is also a part of a larger Oversoul, a single Universal consciousness that binds everything together. But it's not necessarily a God, it's just an awareness, the Ain Soph Aur - limitless light, the rind that holds the pomegranate seeds together.

While I am more comfortable in urban settings, I do believe that natural systems are more sacred than say, downtown Las Vegas. But cities are built on top of the Earth, and the Earth is Our Mother, Womb and Tomb, She breathes beneath our feet.

Aside from all that, though, being Pagan means that I actively, consciously, feel like I am one with the Earth. When I do stop and think about it a little, everything I do is saturated with the Divine. Everything done by every one and every organic thing on the planet is saturated with the Divine. We all dance - the waves on the sea, the birds in the sky, the grain in the fields, kids out necking under the bleachers, the homeless guy who keeps making me late for work, my coworkers, the wind blowing down my chimney. The Divine is also saturated with us. I've been thinking about it more & more. I always feel like I need to do something to be spiritual, or go somewhere out in the boonies. I think I need to fast and bleed and sweat and scream for visions to be spiritual. But I really don't because even though I'm wrapped in flesh and mired in everyday life - it's all sacred. It's all spiritual. It's all Awe. That is really what being Pagan is - it means I've come home.  

Persephone
Darkest of Queens, Destroyer of the Light.

Once upon a time, a beautiful young girl was out picking flowers with her friends. It was a silly game, since everywhere the girl walked, more flowers sprang up behind her. Her mother was a farm woman, concerned with the planting and growing and harvesting - it was a never ending job because in that day and age, things never stopped growing. It never got cold enough to kill anything off, and it wasn't unusual to see a tree with new buds, flowers and fruit on it all at once. The girl's mother was also always full of warnings - never go out alone, always watch your back, be careful not to swim out too deep (how could anyone get out very deep with all that seaweed growing up around their ankles?), don't explore dark caves...

Of course, as the girl got older, she got more adventurous and exploratory. With her mother always in the fields or among the herds, helping the birthing cattle or other women, the girl found herself wandering farther and farther away from her homestead. There were always new trees to climb, new flowers to pick, new streams to cross. It was a whole world of uncharted territory. At first her girlfriends went with her, but as they found new interests in spinning, weaving, the arts of the home, they lost interest in exploring and rough play. So eventually, the girl was leaving her friends behind and spending more hours alone. It was on a golden afternoon that she met him.

He seemed a melancholy rough boy, hands darkened and hardened from working with stone and metal, a ruddy, but not entirely unpleasant face, strongly built. He was awkward around her, unable to speak much... and she became shy herself, and their time together was more of sly glances at one another, leaning shoulder to shoulder. He was not afraid of the caves and grottoes her mother had warned her to stay away from, and he showed her rivers of gold and silver trapped in the stone arches and pillars. Their afternoons took them farther and farther underground, and no longer flowers trailed behind the girl, but mosses, lichens and mushrooms.

One day, he brought her a gift. It was something she had never seen before, and at first she thought it was a carbuncle, but when she took it from him, she realized it was a fruit. She eagerly pulled the rind from it, revealing garnet seeds, her hands stained with crimson. Without hesitation, she bit into it... and the world went dark.

Persephone reveals more of Herself to me as time goes by. She is not just Queen of the Underworld, Hades' consort, but a Queen in Her own right. Without Her, the Earth would have no rest, insect swarms would devour everything, female animals would either be exhausted or barren. The Sun follows Her when She returns to Her chthonic palace in Autumn and returns with Her in Spring. She is consoler and comforter of the dead, and She makes sure the root cellars of Demeter are kept fully stocked. She is the bright face of Hades and He is Her dark side. I came to Her feet through Death, and remain with Her because She is also an herbalist, a Serpent Mother and Mistress of the Labyrinth.

Persephone has been with me from the very beginning - when I was a little girl, building altars that I didn't know were altars. Pomegranates grow well in California, and I always set one aside for Her. I wish I could find that book on mythology - even a beat-up ragged copy. I remember the picture so well - the pale girl with flowing hair being swept away by a Greek soldier in a chariot, the pomegranate in her outstretched arm, garnet fruit against white skin, her long black hair mingling with the manes and tails of the horses. My parents thought it was the horses that drew me in, but it was Her all along. I'm slowly reclaiming that early fascination...  

city life
Yes, I'm a city woman. I've lived out in the boonies. Lived with people who grew and killed their own food. I've hunted, fished and butchered, drawn water from a well, bathed in cold ass water, tried to go to the bathroom in an outhouse, worked in the dirt... and I don't care for it. I don't get a sense of satisfaction from busting my ass all day on a farm. I enjoy leisure time granted to me by modern conveniences. City water, indoor plumbing, transportation, air conditioning and heating. Yes, city life is dangerous and I have lived in gang territory before, both in southern California & here in Las Vegas. Traffic sucks. Pollution and smog are bad for my skin. But everything is so close. Honestly, Las Vegas is not all bad. Plenty of restaurants, choices in grocery stores & drugstores, wide variety of malls & shopping centers, really expensive entertainment. I've lived in Los Angeles & its associated suburbs, near Tacoma/Seattle,  Washington; Salem, Oregon; Memphis, Tennessee; New Orleans, Louisiana. To me, nature is something you go to visit, not something you try to live in.  When I go to visit nature, I don't want to stick around over night, either. Camping blows. I can't poop outside because there is no hot water to wash my hands. Can't take a shower, either, unless you want to do the bucket of cold water sponge bath thing. When I used to go to the Wicca classes every sabbat was an outmeet. We used to go up on Mount Charleston or out to Lake Mead & I would hold it all freaking weekend. At least we were expected to fast the day before & the day of the ritual, so it wasn't so bad, but afterwards we'd have a potluck & I wouldn't want to stay the night - I just wanted to go home to the bathroom. To me, having to duck for cover during a drive-by is a small price to pay for being able to poop & then wash my hands with hot water and soap.

I don't like nature <i>on</i> me or in my house, either. Yes, I know humans have moved into everything's territories, including ants and spiders and silverfish and earwigs.. but landscapers brought the damned scorpions with them, and I don't know where the Hel the fire ants came from, but I wish they'd go back and leave me alone. Having a mountain lion drink from your pool is cool, but sometimes I think about going out to check the mail & getting pounced on from my roof, and that's not cool at all, which is why I'm perfectly comfortable living in the middle of the Las Vegas suburbs and not closer to the mountains.  I have a hard time falling asleep when it's too quiet, too. I start hearing unexplainable noises - creaking, cracking, thumping, all coming from outside, all surrounding the house. I don't like looking out a window & seeing red eyes peeping back in at me. I do bitch about Las Vegas' complete lack of cultural resources and piss-poor library system, but other cities have them and I can always move. To another city.

bear
I like bears. Bears are awesome. They are these huge powerful animals, omnivorous, adaptive, and marvelously human. Physically, I look like a small bear. Round, I roll when I walk, I've got stubby bear-like feet. For some reason, people always think I'm taller than I am, which makes me think of a bear standing on its hind legs for the intimidation factor. I like to scratch my back by rubbing up and down poles or the corner of the wall (not against trees because of that whole not wanting nature-on-me thing). I want to hibernate all winter. Bears are opportunistic feeders and can be found almost everywhere in the temperate to alpine biomes.
 
I am also a daughter of Bear, Bear as totem, Bear with a capital B. Bear medicine is that of the rootwoman, the herbwife, the medicine man. Bear guards the dance house, knows the way to the Underworlds, and gives power to those who ask in the right way at the right time. Bear is also brother to humankind. Bear knows which roots heal, which to eat and which to leave alone. Bear is not just indigenous to American folklore... Artemis has a Bear aspect, hence the 'Art' in Her name; Artio is a Gaulish Bear Goddess, Romanized as Dea Artio. There is a Teutonic Goddess, Orsel, who may have been syncretized into Saint Ursula, ancient Franks had Arduina. King Arthur is also a Bear, as was Uther before him. In anger, I am a berserker and can feel the glamour of a huge enraged grizzly tower over me and in me and I know I can tear someone's head off with a swipe of my paw.

reflection
 

Reflection can be an internal process, peering into the deep pool of the mind and heart and seeing what surfaces.

Mostly, I think of mirrors, though. I don't like mirrors. I have this superstitious dread of mirrors. I'm honestly not sure if the person looking back at me from a mirror, or any reflective surface, is really just my reflection, or if it's someone looking through a window at me. Mirrors have bothered me all my life. When I was little, we used to play the Bloody Mary game. Stand in front of a darkened mirror & chant 'Bloody Mary' three times & you were supposed to see a girl covered in blood standing in the mirror. It was mostly a mind game, like 'light as a feather, stiff as a board', but because I was sensitive and aware, I did see things. Not necessarily a girl covered in blood ala Carrie, but... things. Places. People. The long dead.

There is nothing I hate more than pulling aside a curtain or shade at night & being confronted with my own reflection in the darkened window. I don't look outside when I pull aside a curtain at night anymore, I look down or to the left or right, or I turn a porch light on before opening the curtain. Anything to avoid seeing the reflection. I try to blame it on the mentally disabled people who rented from the apartments I lived in as a kid - I'd hear scratching outside my window & being fearless at that time I'd pull back the curtain to see distorted faces pressed to the glass - they loved my mother but made my life miserable. Honestly, I had the problem well before we lived there. I hate my bathroom in this house. The toilet faces a wall-length mirror over the counter & sinks. The last thing I want to do when going to the bathroom is look at myself while I'm doing it. I take a book or magazine or catalog with me, even if I'm only in there to pee. Forget going in there when it's dark - I turn the light on while I'm in the hallway, & even the hallway light isn't good enough - I have to turn the bathroom light on as well. I have no mirrored surfaces anywhere else in the house, just the bathrooms. I don't like televisions with no power. There are a couple of scenes from movies, most notably Stir of Echoes and The Ring involving reflections in powered-off televisions that still bother me. It's like, why'd the movie-makers have to fuck with me personally? I mean, really. Who even told them how much that bothers me? I never played in funhouse mirrors and the one time I got badgered into going into a hall of mirrors... I had such a bad panic attack I blacked out & the carnies had to come rescue me. And no mirrors on the ceilings, either. Or during sex. I've never really seen myself while having sex except on film.

Out of all the divinatory methods I've tried... I don't scry. No bowls of water, no mirrors, no crystal balls. No scrying. I've tried, but it seems like nothing good can ever come of me gazing into a mirror. I always get a feeling of dread, like I'm in the ocean out past the continental shelf with miles of dark water below me, and something large rapidly coming to the surface. I think it's too close to the murky waters of the subconscious. Dark treacherous waters - here there be monsters, mate.

Sometimes I feel like I should overcome this inane fear of mirrors. Especially because I do see things clearly in scrying it should be an obvious choice for divination... but I'm afraid to look. So I have tried. I try to look myself in the face for 5 or 10 minutes - I usually make it to 2 & then my eyes start doing weird things & my face changes shape. I try to sit in front of the mirror with the lights dimmed & even though I've got the bathroom wall behind me, I expect to see something walking up behind me in the mirror - it's like the wall behind me falls away & a hallway to Hell opens up or something. Bad creepy horrorshow type stuff. Way back when, I did some Qabalistic pathworking while indulging in ceremonial magic(k), and I used a full-length wardrobe mirror as a doorway in my visualizations and tried to see myself as Alice Through the Looking Glass. The first few times it went surprisingly well. I met entities, I did some work, I got to thinking, "Hey, this is quite effective and I might make some actual progress". One time, I guess I went too far into Alice's world and it became an exercise in terror. I stepped into the mirror and couldn't find my way back to the doorway, and when I did finally find the doorway, I couldn't get back out... and when I finally did get back out, I think something followed me. I smashed the mirror, which seriously pissed my aunt off, but it was like closing the barn door after the horses left. I don't believe that smashing the mirror gave me 7 years bad luck, but whatever it was that came with me found me to be free entertainment. Smashing the mirror was pretty pointless. There are mirrors everywhere.

Of course, now I've given myself the heebie-jeebies & it's bedtime. Great.