The awesome
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moonvoice asked if anyone who worked with spirits had any that they turned to for comfort or compassion.
It gave me pause.
I've never even thought about having a totem, spirit guide, deity or other spiritual entity in my life that I would turn to for compassion, comfort or love. I mean, I guess there are compassionate, kind and loving deities... like maybe Jesus and Krishna. Ganesh comes to mind, as does Kwan Yin (your spelling may vary). There are some motherly deities like Isis and Yemaya.
There are some that I've had encounters with Who, while not harsh and strict, are a Hel of a lot of fun to party with, but They aren't exactly kind and loving - Coyote, the Barons, Eleggua/Papa Legba. Tricksters can still teach some hard lessons. I've had guardian spirits - but the twin jackals weren't there to romp and play with me - they were there for protection.
Most of my deities, totems and spirit guides are harsh and demanding. I ask for nothing while They ask for everything - which is probably why I've let my spirituality take a back seat to the everyday world. Eventually, I get tired of giving and serving without any reward other than being allowed to serve. I think for me, even if something innocuous, like Ladybug or Hamster, were my totem, I would still end up being thrown against brick walls. Maybe I'm missing out on something - maybe They've all been enjoying a joke at my expense. It doesn't feel that way, but I could be handed a sign and still not recognize it.
Among many of the spiritual people I've known, it's some strange badge of pride to have harsh deities, totems, guides & what-have-you. I know a lot of people whose patrons are Kali, Hecate, Odin, Tyr, the Morrigan, Ogoun, Chango, Oya, raven gods, death gods, war gods... and virtually none who hearken to Aphrodite, Erzulie, Oshun, Isis, Gaia... Are we all beating ourselves up? Are we all so desperate to avoid being thought of as New-Age-White-Lighters, or even worse, the dreaded 'fluff bunny' that we deliberately seek out the hardest, meanest, most savage patrons in the spiritual world? Or do we all actually need these brick walls and hard roads?
Over the past two days, I've been in intense pain. It doesn't let up, and it just keeps going. It feels like I'm tied to horses going in opposite directions & my legs are getting torn off. My back is wrenched, I can't take deep breaths & nothing really helps - I took 8 fucking codeine Sunday & it didn't even take the edge off - and now I'm out of codeine. Tequila doesn't take the edge off. I've got a high pain tolerance, but damn. If it <i>was</i> a kidney stone, from what I've heard, I'd get breaks in between the waves of pain. A sex change operation is sounding pretty damned good right now.
So I'm sitting here, thinking to myself, "Who would I ask to help me with this pain?" and the truth is, no one. Not one of my patron deities, not one of my totems or spirit guides. I probably wouldn't even ask in the first place - it's my body, it's my pain, I'm dealing with it & it shouldn't be anyone else's problem, immortal, spiritual or otherwise. I feel like a big baby for even complaining about it, but yes, it hurts <i>that</i> much. The headache I had the night I almost had the stroke would be preferable, because at least it might go away within 24 hours. I guess some people do ask their spiritual helpers (and just that word combination, 'spirit helper' is note-worthy) to take pain away, or at least help ease pain - and I guess it's an acceptable relationship for them and their spirit helpers. It's kind of funny. I've surrounded myself with spiritual entities all my life, been surrounded by them... and I've always been willing to serve Them... but when it comes to my problems, I still feel very alone.
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