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Writer's Block: Another sleepless night
Mar. 14th, 2010 12:29 pm[Error: unknown template qotd]
I have chronic terminal insomnia, which means that on my own, I can fall asleep but I cannot stay asleep. Four hours is about as much sleep as I can get without chemical assistance. Sleep clinics have told me that once I fall asleep, and I hit the initial REM phase, I wake up. No REM sleep means no true dreams. I get hypnagogic imagery (luckily, no night terrors) but those are not replacements for dreams. It's been this way most of my life. I always thought I just couldn't remember, or only rarely remembered, my dreams but I just don't have them.
I have excellent sleep hygiene. My bedroom has no electronics in it aside from clocks and a boombox. I only use my bedroom for sleep and sex. I don't argue or have heated discussions with my husband in there, my mattress and pillows are comfortable, my sheets are the softest linen, it's dark and we bring the temperature down about an hour before bed. My husband has his own bedroom so I'm not disturbed by him. My bedroom is a temple of sleep. I don't drink caffeine or load up on sugar less than six hours before bedtime... I have a regular bedtime and waking time, I rarely sleep in on my days off, I don't take long naps during the day, I don't exert myself close to bedtime, no overloads of media or company that will keep me stimulated, no overly hot baths or showers.
In spite of all this, once I fall asleep, I will wake up approximately three to four hours later. After a few days of this, even though I am alert and awake, my attention span suffers. I become easily distracted and easily frustrated by minor things. I am constantly irritated. My body aches and my joints swell up and feel as though they're filled with ground glass. My eyes dry out easier, I get acne break-outs. My depression deepens and my emotions flat-line. I start to see things - not full-blown hallucinations, but movement in the corners of my eyes, I am startled by non-startling things. Unlike other people, who may get a break in their insomniatic streaks, but for me it goes on and on. Over-the-counter medications only leave me dry-mouthed and fuzzy-headed. Ambien, after a few weeks, made me more than a little mentally unstable. Rozerem made me sick to my stomach and dizzy. Melatonin - pfft. Valerian or Valium? Hah.
A doctor gave me a tricyclic antidepressant, amitriptyline (brand name Elavil). After about a week of taking it, one morning I woke up - the sun was shining outside. In fact, it wasn't morning at all, it was about two in the afternoon. I had somehow managed to sleep about eighteen hours. I had dreamed. I've been taking Elavil for years now - and I do build up tolerance to it over time. Instead of switching to a higher dose, I take a break for about a month to six weeks every year or so. It's a miserable month for me but I know at the end of it, the Elavil will work its miracle again, and I'll be able to get a good night's sleep (or day's sleep, if I'm working a graveyard job).
I have chronic terminal insomnia, which means that on my own, I can fall asleep but I cannot stay asleep. Four hours is about as much sleep as I can get without chemical assistance. Sleep clinics have told me that once I fall asleep, and I hit the initial REM phase, I wake up. No REM sleep means no true dreams. I get hypnagogic imagery (luckily, no night terrors) but those are not replacements for dreams. It's been this way most of my life. I always thought I just couldn't remember, or only rarely remembered, my dreams but I just don't have them.
I have excellent sleep hygiene. My bedroom has no electronics in it aside from clocks and a boombox. I only use my bedroom for sleep and sex. I don't argue or have heated discussions with my husband in there, my mattress and pillows are comfortable, my sheets are the softest linen, it's dark and we bring the temperature down about an hour before bed. My husband has his own bedroom so I'm not disturbed by him. My bedroom is a temple of sleep. I don't drink caffeine or load up on sugar less than six hours before bedtime... I have a regular bedtime and waking time, I rarely sleep in on my days off, I don't take long naps during the day, I don't exert myself close to bedtime, no overloads of media or company that will keep me stimulated, no overly hot baths or showers.
In spite of all this, once I fall asleep, I will wake up approximately three to four hours later. After a few days of this, even though I am alert and awake, my attention span suffers. I become easily distracted and easily frustrated by minor things. I am constantly irritated. My body aches and my joints swell up and feel as though they're filled with ground glass. My eyes dry out easier, I get acne break-outs. My depression deepens and my emotions flat-line. I start to see things - not full-blown hallucinations, but movement in the corners of my eyes, I am startled by non-startling things. Unlike other people, who may get a break in their insomniatic streaks, but for me it goes on and on. Over-the-counter medications only leave me dry-mouthed and fuzzy-headed. Ambien, after a few weeks, made me more than a little mentally unstable. Rozerem made me sick to my stomach and dizzy. Melatonin - pfft. Valerian or Valium? Hah.
A doctor gave me a tricyclic antidepressant, amitriptyline (brand name Elavil). After about a week of taking it, one morning I woke up - the sun was shining outside. In fact, it wasn't morning at all, it was about two in the afternoon. I had somehow managed to sleep about eighteen hours. I had dreamed. I've been taking Elavil for years now - and I do build up tolerance to it over time. Instead of switching to a higher dose, I take a break for about a month to six weeks every year or so. It's a miserable month for me but I know at the end of it, the Elavil will work its miracle again, and I'll be able to get a good night's sleep (or day's sleep, if I'm working a graveyard job).
