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I've been trying to work on my actual depression this past week or so. It's not easy. I've also been trying to blog this for the past week or two, but for some reason the blank computer screen has been intimidating, and the thought of a paper journal is too permanent, and too easy for Rob to find and read. It's not that I really have anything to hide - I told him I've been having suicidal thoughts - but I just don't want to deal w/him freaking out any more than he already is. His doctor is sending him for prostate cancer screening, so it's been difficult around here.
A fairly large part of me isn't willing to acknowledge depression as an actual illness. Other people have it, it's an actual illness for them, but not for me. For me... I'm just lazy and self-absorbed. I think that if I could just break out of my introspection and take some kind of interest in the outside world I would probably feel better somehow. I think about calling various people - my sisters, Lisa, Ann, my cousin - and then I think about the conversations. Which would be a couple of hours of me listening to them bitch about money and how unfair the world is and their kids, and I just feel like I'm already tired of it. I don't even talk, I just listen, anyway, which is why I don't call anyone anymore. I have nothing of value to contribute.
I used to volunteer for various charity organizations and events. I've always tried to break out of that mold of 'Pagans don't do charity'. Christians are great at community service & charitable activities - Pagans, not so much. A lot of people think it's because needy people and organizations won't accept Pagan money, or that there would be some type of community backlash if Pagans came out in public to hold fund-raising events, but when it comes down to it, money and time are money and time. I've even volunteered in non-religious settings. But nothing ever feels satisfying. I've worked in politics - I used to be a militant outspoken bisexual Pagan teenager. I petitioned against censorship in music during the good ol' PMRC days. I had Nelson Mandela's prisoner number shaved into the side of my head, or wore it on an armband. I know I'm helping other people, raising awareness, being an active presence in my community, what-have-you, but I never feel like what I contribute matters at all.
It extends past me trying to be a good concerned citizen. That's how I feel about myself - I do not matter. I am not a worthy contributor. I'm a tax-paying warm body and that's about it. I've discovered something else though - I don't know exactly what makes a worthwhile human being. I just know that whatever it is - usefulness, art, innovation, humanitarianism, philanthropy - I'm not.
A fairly large part of me isn't willing to acknowledge depression as an actual illness. Other people have it, it's an actual illness for them, but not for me. For me... I'm just lazy and self-absorbed. I think that if I could just break out of my introspection and take some kind of interest in the outside world I would probably feel better somehow. I think about calling various people - my sisters, Lisa, Ann, my cousin - and then I think about the conversations. Which would be a couple of hours of me listening to them bitch about money and how unfair the world is and their kids, and I just feel like I'm already tired of it. I don't even talk, I just listen, anyway, which is why I don't call anyone anymore. I have nothing of value to contribute.
I used to volunteer for various charity organizations and events. I've always tried to break out of that mold of 'Pagans don't do charity'. Christians are great at community service & charitable activities - Pagans, not so much. A lot of people think it's because needy people and organizations won't accept Pagan money, or that there would be some type of community backlash if Pagans came out in public to hold fund-raising events, but when it comes down to it, money and time are money and time. I've even volunteered in non-religious settings. But nothing ever feels satisfying. I've worked in politics - I used to be a militant outspoken bisexual Pagan teenager. I petitioned against censorship in music during the good ol' PMRC days. I had Nelson Mandela's prisoner number shaved into the side of my head, or wore it on an armband. I know I'm helping other people, raising awareness, being an active presence in my community, what-have-you, but I never feel like what I contribute matters at all.
It extends past me trying to be a good concerned citizen. That's how I feel about myself - I do not matter. I am not a worthy contributor. I'm a tax-paying warm body and that's about it. I've discovered something else though - I don't know exactly what makes a worthwhile human being. I just know that whatever it is - usefulness, art, innovation, humanitarianism, philanthropy - I'm not.
