I Don't Think I'm Cured

My therapy session the other day ran a little short due to me being late.

She's already asking if I want to just do once-a-month visits instead of every 2 weeks. I don't feel any better or different, though.

I don't know how to 'fix' me, either. I mean, I do stuff. I fill out my little goal lists and I do them and I cross them off, and I feel nothing one way or another. I've kind of run out of things to do. I don't feel good about accomplishing anything - I post 'Yay, I did the dishes!' & shit on facebook, but it's just words. Affirmations that I am at least alive, if nothing else. I still feel like nothing I do is worthwhile and I have no value as a meatbag. Obviously my therapist agrees with me or something, and I still haven't seen an actual shrink in since I stopped the Celexa, so I don't know if there's any drug on the planet that can make me feel good about doing whatever it is I do all day.

SMALL GOALS
- Pull weeds - Every time I attempt to weed, it gets windy. I'm not masochistic enough to stick to my guns about the damned weeds when it's windy. Las Vegas wind will skin you alive.
- Go through books, decide which ones to donate to library - with what free time? Who has time to go to the library? Not this gal.
- Pull the hula hoop out of my closet & start playing with it again - I've been doing this on & off for the past couple of weeks. Drives the dog nuts. In the same vein, we got an XBox 360 w/Kinect this past Tuesday. Rob tried it out & his hemorrhoids asploded. The XBox was returned the next morning because unless he's playing, I won't play w/it. I feel bad for Rob, but also annoyed because he should have known that doing squat-thrusts would have this effect.

MEDIUM GOALS
- Start walking the dog more religiously - Same problem as the weeds. We've had some remarkably crappy weather the past two or three months.
- Work with Rob to develop meal plans that will introduce some new dishes into my repertoire - Whenever I try to attempt a meal plan (or that whole notary thing), the job interferes (speaking of which, my life is going to be a complete and total Hel for the next two weeks. I'm getting my OPERA training at the expense of the quality of my life. 12-hour shifts for two fucking weeks).
- Go see the dietitian since I now have a referral - no point to this because of the meal vs. job conflicts
- Become a notary public - see above

BIG GOALS (that cost money)
- GET TO A DENTIST - Got my teef cleaned on Weds. afternoon. Went to a place called Lasting Smiles that specializes in sleep dentistry. The hygienist used a sonic water pick for a surface cleaning, & aside from getting stabbed in the gums by chunks of dislodged tartar, it was not a bad experience. I am considering a 'deep cleaning', which goes below the gum line, only because the small amount of damage I have is only about 2mm deep, and the sonic pick can be used. For the two cavities I get filled next week, I get 30mg of Valium & possibly nitrous oxide.
- Painting my bathroom - We have a bottle of wallpaper stripper to try out, as soon as I get the time
- Learn to ride a bike
- Get some plants for the yard
- Find a dance class or something to do - these are off the list for now.
- Get my hysterectomy - sometime in September, once the OPERA conversion is done & over with.

BIG GOALS (that are cheap)
- Go somewhere once a week - do doctors & dentists count?