Self-Diagnosis is Bad

I've been reading the depression workbook I bought, lo those many weeks ago. I've come to find that it's written from a Christian perspective. The religion thing pops up in unexpected places, but it's not too heavy-handed, so I can deal with it. It made me wonder if there are any good resources for Pagans with mental & emotional disorders, but I haven't had much of an opportunity to shop around.

The book is basically reinforcing all the things I feel about myself. It has all these checklists of 'if you feel _____, then do _______'. I tend to be like, well, I wasn't feeling or thinking about _____, but I am now. Thanks, workbook, for bringing that particular problem up and sticking words in my face.

It also has surveys of personality types. I can check off a couple of things from each, like any person answering a generalized questionnaire. I've got one or two points in 'histrionic', 'narcissistic' (which, from what I've been reading, isn't even considered a personality disorder anymore since the widespread use of social media turned everyone into a narcissist), a couple in 'borderline'... but in 'avoidant' I can check off almost all the pertinent points. I'm starting to wonder if I'm not just avoidant, but if it's at the stage of being a personality disorder.

This is what WHO says about it:

The ICD-10 Classification of Mental and Behavioral Disorders
World Health Organization, Geneva, 1992
F60.6 Anxious (Avoidant) Personality Disorder

Personality disorder characterized by at least 3 of the following:

(x) persistent and pervasive feelings of tension and apprehension;
(x) belief that one is socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others;
(x) excessive preoccupation with being criticized or rejected in social situations;
(x) unwillingness to become involved with people unless certain of being liked;
(x) restrictions in lifestyle because of need to have physical security;
(x) avoidance of social or occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact because of fear of criticism, disapproval, or rejection.

And the DSM:

DSM-IV Criteria for Avoidant Personality Disorder (301.82)*

A pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

(x) avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
(x) is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
(x) shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
(x) is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social settings
(x) is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
(x) views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
(x) is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they might prove embarrassing.

But the only thing I'll tell any of this to is my blog, which no one (at least, that I know closely enough to not want to reveal vulnerabilities to) reads. I can avoid the living fuck out of almost anything that prompts an emotional response. I've also found out that many avoidant types are chronic advisors. I try to fix things. Especially if someone is complaining. I hate complaints - fucking fix the problem & stop whining. Now, almost anyone will offer advice to someone who is having a problem. One reason is that the advisor sincerely wants to help. Another reason is that no one likes to hear bad news or about unhappiness in a friend's or acquaintance's life. Me, the avoider/ignorer of everything? I want to fix stuff so the emotionally revealing person will go away and leave me alone. And if I can't fix them, I don't want to be around them because they're always complaining about something. Usually something easily resolved (at least in my eyes). It's why I avoid my sisters. All they do is bitch. It's why I like to avoid my co-workers (at any job) - I work alone so I can avoid constant complaints. It's not just complaints, though - I avoid anyone who seems to want to talk about their 'feelings'. I avoid talking about myself to the point of not talking to anyone in a public setting above & beyond the job at hand. I've got to know someone for decades before I will talk about myself to them. But, of course, the one drawback to never talking about myself is that I'm considered 'a good listener', so people want to talk to me even more about their feelings. Which I cannot fix.

Weird shit goes through my head when I'm winding down from work, and I start investigating this kind of stuff, and it's really the worst thing I could be doing. I'm feeling seriously avoidant right now, of everything and everyone, and it's mostly related to feeling completely at a loss at work. This whole computer change has placed me on a level playing field with everyone else, and now whenever anyone asks me anything, I go on instant defense, usually followed by something offensive. I'm like, "I don't know. I wasn't trained well. Find someone else who may have a better grasp of the new program. I'm still missing money from Tuesday, for Gods' sakes! Now get the Hel off my ass so I can add this stuff up!" What's worse is when they ask me something more policy-related than procedural. I can find room blocks that are sitting somewhere, unoccupied & messing with the occupancy percentage, but no one told me what, exactly, we should do about them. I can also find rooms running at zero rate, which messes w/the ADR, but once again, what should we do about it? My guess is as good (and potentially worse) than anyone else's. I'm second-guessing every single thing I do, and I'm even more worried about the whole mess because no one's answered any of my e-mails and no one's called me about missing things, which means that right now, they don't know what's missing, and I could end up with like, 6 months of backtracking to do in about, oh, 4 months.

At least it rained a little this morning. Thank you, Great Mystery, for that. And it's a new moon, so Selene is hiding Herself away on Her own.