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Learning is Fun...
Aug. 16th, 2011 06:08 am
Yeah, not really.
I need to stop reading psychological stuff on the Internet. It's busting my self-image & self-esteem to pieces.
I say fucked up things on a fairly regular basis. I just have the knack for dark humor, and I appreciate the delicate interplay of the Universe and its creations, especially as the Universe tortures its creations in new and exciting ways. Many of my family and facebook 'friends/acquaintances/friend collectors' did not find any appreciation whatsoever in a recent string of articles involving horrific eye injuries and my accompanying puns, but as one of my few irl friends put it, it was like the Universe just handed me these things on a silver platter. How could I turn my back on the opportunity so freely given? I also calculated the potential of future repercussions from utilizing my vast collection of eyeball jokes, found the risks acceptable and forged ahead.
Many times, when other people blurt out something fucked up, or wrong, or inappropriate black humor at inappropriate times, they respond to criticism with apologies of "oh, I didn't mean it that way", or "it just slipped out", or the most common, "I just didn't think before I said that".
Not me. I plan my shittiness out in advance. I never have a conversation where I don't mean anything I say. I never say anything without initially gauging possible responses to what I'm about to say, and then pre-organizing my responses to those potentialities. In short, I play 'word chess' in my head before I open my mouth. When I was younger and wittier, the moves happened relatively quickly. Now the result of word chess is always feeling like I'm about 5 moves behind, but saying things anyway. The Internet is extremely appealing to me because I can come into a conversation, quote the poster above me and still stay relevant. In person, not so much. A planned sentence doesn't come out so well-worded when initialized by, "yeah, that thing you guys were talking about 5 minutes ago? Here's my say on it..."
At any rate, I've always prided myself on my verbal integrity. If I lie I lie well - not that I ever lie... I just tell stories. I choose words carefully, I don't squander them trying to make unsuitable words fit what I'm trying to say, I don't trail off vaguely and hope whoever is listening absorbs my point by osmosis, I'm concise and efficient when I talk. And I plan almost every word out. I don't know when the habit started, or why I became so proud of my verbal self-control, but it has served me well. Whether I am trying to get an abstract concept across or start chaotic in-fighting, I can use words to my advantage.
According to a bunch of things I've been reading up on, for me it's not a skill or a talent. It's a symptom. It's also a warning-sign to people who live with or around someone with avoidance issues (and sociopaths). "Does this person seem to plan conversations in advance? Do they choose their words in an overly controlled fashion? Do they use very precise terminology when having casual small talk?" All those warning signals that you are dealing with someone who is fucked up in the head. It goes along with me exerting a lot of effort to not display emotional responses in public, or getting angry at myself when I do. There's not a lot in my world that I can honestly pride myself on, but at least I know my willpower comes from inside me. But all of my self-control & self-discipline regarding how I act/react in public hasn't really been in my control or under my will, it's been an automatic defensive response mechanism.
Yesterday morning, I was playing hand-under-the-blanket with Chelsie, and she managed to pinch my palm with her front nippy teeth. Hard. I yelped, immediately felt that flush of anger/shame at having a verbal outburst, felt my chest tighten up & my breathing go from belly to just below my neck, and when Rob inevitably called from the bathroom, "are you ok?!" it got worse because he heard me. I gritted my teeth and told myself, "I am not mad at the dog for biting me (and I wasn't - when I yelped she looked at me like I had just kicked her), and I am not mad at Rob for being concerned. It is ok to make a noise when I am unexpectedly injured". Not that it was all that unexpected - the dog was pouncing & biting at the hand that I was moving under the blanket deliberately, we've played the game before, but the front-teeth nip right on my open palm was unexpected, and I fully expected to get a blood-blister from it. I then told Rob what had happened & forced myself to belly-breathe. I mean, I don't physically punish myself for getting hurt, but I get so intensely pissed off and then I just ride that anger until I can unleash it on an innocent bystander at some later date and time. It was hard to stop myself in the middle of the reaction, and even harder to not snap at Rob for acknowledging my existence.
Now I really do get to see what mettle I'm made of, I guess. If I can channel all of what I have believed to be self-discipline & will-power into scenarios like yesterday morning, maybe I can get over a few hurdles. The procrastination/over-exaggerated risk thing is something I'm not ready to tackle yet.
I need to stop reading psychological stuff on the Internet. It's busting my self-image & self-esteem to pieces.
I say fucked up things on a fairly regular basis. I just have the knack for dark humor, and I appreciate the delicate interplay of the Universe and its creations, especially as the Universe tortures its creations in new and exciting ways. Many of my family and facebook 'friends/acquaintances/friend collectors' did not find any appreciation whatsoever in a recent string of articles involving horrific eye injuries and my accompanying puns, but as one of my few irl friends put it, it was like the Universe just handed me these things on a silver platter. How could I turn my back on the opportunity so freely given? I also calculated the potential of future repercussions from utilizing my vast collection of eyeball jokes, found the risks acceptable and forged ahead.
Many times, when other people blurt out something fucked up, or wrong, or inappropriate black humor at inappropriate times, they respond to criticism with apologies of "oh, I didn't mean it that way", or "it just slipped out", or the most common, "I just didn't think before I said that".
Not me. I plan my shittiness out in advance. I never have a conversation where I don't mean anything I say. I never say anything without initially gauging possible responses to what I'm about to say, and then pre-organizing my responses to those potentialities. In short, I play 'word chess' in my head before I open my mouth. When I was younger and wittier, the moves happened relatively quickly. Now the result of word chess is always feeling like I'm about 5 moves behind, but saying things anyway. The Internet is extremely appealing to me because I can come into a conversation, quote the poster above me and still stay relevant. In person, not so much. A planned sentence doesn't come out so well-worded when initialized by, "yeah, that thing you guys were talking about 5 minutes ago? Here's my say on it..."
At any rate, I've always prided myself on my verbal integrity. If I lie I lie well - not that I ever lie... I just tell stories. I choose words carefully, I don't squander them trying to make unsuitable words fit what I'm trying to say, I don't trail off vaguely and hope whoever is listening absorbs my point by osmosis, I'm concise and efficient when I talk. And I plan almost every word out. I don't know when the habit started, or why I became so proud of my verbal self-control, but it has served me well. Whether I am trying to get an abstract concept across or start chaotic in-fighting, I can use words to my advantage.
According to a bunch of things I've been reading up on, for me it's not a skill or a talent. It's a symptom. It's also a warning-sign to people who live with or around someone with avoidance issues (and sociopaths). "Does this person seem to plan conversations in advance? Do they choose their words in an overly controlled fashion? Do they use very precise terminology when having casual small talk?" All those warning signals that you are dealing with someone who is fucked up in the head. It goes along with me exerting a lot of effort to not display emotional responses in public, or getting angry at myself when I do. There's not a lot in my world that I can honestly pride myself on, but at least I know my willpower comes from inside me. But all of my self-control & self-discipline regarding how I act/react in public hasn't really been in my control or under my will, it's been an automatic defensive response mechanism.
Yesterday morning, I was playing hand-under-the-blanket with Chelsie, and she managed to pinch my palm with her front nippy teeth. Hard. I yelped, immediately felt that flush of anger/shame at having a verbal outburst, felt my chest tighten up & my breathing go from belly to just below my neck, and when Rob inevitably called from the bathroom, "are you ok?!" it got worse because he heard me. I gritted my teeth and told myself, "I am not mad at the dog for biting me (and I wasn't - when I yelped she looked at me like I had just kicked her), and I am not mad at Rob for being concerned. It is ok to make a noise when I am unexpectedly injured". Not that it was all that unexpected - the dog was pouncing & biting at the hand that I was moving under the blanket deliberately, we've played the game before, but the front-teeth nip right on my open palm was unexpected, and I fully expected to get a blood-blister from it. I then told Rob what had happened & forced myself to belly-breathe. I mean, I don't physically punish myself for getting hurt, but I get so intensely pissed off and then I just ride that anger until I can unleash it on an innocent bystander at some later date and time. It was hard to stop myself in the middle of the reaction, and even harder to not snap at Rob for acknowledging my existence.
Now I really do get to see what mettle I'm made of, I guess. If I can channel all of what I have believed to be self-discipline & will-power into scenarios like yesterday morning, maybe I can get over a few hurdles. The procrastination/over-exaggerated risk thing is something I'm not ready to tackle yet.
