Expectations vs Reality

I stopped going to the shrink, other than to get my Wellbutrin refills. I think the Wellbutrin is actually helping me, for what it's worth. I don't dwell on suicide as often, I have more energy, I feel more able to cope with everyday challenges. I'm sleeping better & having dreams more frequently. All that good shit.

I've been doing more research on avoidance/APD/avoidant personality, and dealing with personality issues and disorders in general. In a way, it's helped me accept myself a tad more. All this time I've just felt like there was something wrong with me. Not just that vague uneasiness that people get from time to time, but honestly terribly wrong in that 'potential serial killer' wrong way. There is this constant lack of emotional depth. I don't have empathetic or sympathetic feelings, nothing really touches me deep inside, I'm emotionally detached and even all my doctors' paperwork states I have a 'noticeable lack of affect' (I got to read all this while shuttling authorizations back & forth to the gyno & hospital before my surgery). In other words, I'm emotionally shallow and unavailable. Except anger. I'm good with anger. I can get frustrated, annoyed, irritated, ticked off, pissed off and angry with little or no effort. I can express the fuck out of anger, too.

Society is down on people who are anti-social and emotionally uninvolved. People are supposed to be communal creatures and foster a need to be around other people. The 'loner' stereotype isn't favorable. Other people are suspicious of those who prefer to be alone. There's an assumption that loners are shady or mentally ill. Everyone's supposed to be confident and easy-going in social situations, and if you aren't 'you need to get over it'. I've always operated under the automatic assumption that no one likes me. It doesn't matter if it's true or not, it's just what I've always believed. No one likes me, life is one eternal Pig Party - and I'm the pig. When I started seeking a therapist this time around, I was hoping to get some insight into overcoming this belief, maybe be more outgoing, make some friends - but the more I went to the therapists, the less inclined I was to want to actually try any of their suggestions - and attempts made me want to drink heavily. Along with the assumption that no one likes me, I have the automatic assumption that anything I try to do will fail. So I started focusing on my work ethic and building confidence to move forward, make goals and plans, and act on those goals and plans. But I still feel paralyzed to break out of my rut because I know I'll fail, and it will cost me money. Even the things that don't cost money cost something in other ways. Failure is expensive.

Right now, it's not a problem. I can still function in my day-to-day life. I can get out of bed, stay clean, I go to work, I come home, I pay bills, I make meals, sometimes I even clean my house. I don't need emotional involvement to do any of those things. It wasn't until I stopped drinking often that this stuff started coming to the surface, anyway. Self-medication ftw. But now that I know what the true issue is, I'm torn between wondering if I should do more to 'fix' it or if I should just accept it as being who I am. I've asked Rob about my behavior and actions, and he says that I'm emotionally available enough for him and the dog, and I don't behave in a hurtful fashion. We can communicate, too.

My only worry about embracing my true nature or inclinations is that it will make things worse. I always hear stuff about the old loners - people who were so enmeshed in their mental illnesses that they locked themselves away and died and weren't found for weeks or months. That worries me - not dying, but the not being found in a timely fashion once I've died. I'm thankful that I don't really like cats, because cats eat dead people on a regular basis. That's not how I want to get to the Underworld...

The clincher that makes me lean towards acceptance is that being avoidant is so damned convenient. If I embrace my personality issue, I have a legitimate reason to back out of anything that requires emotional involvement. When a debate moves from logic into emotion, I can just stop & walk away. I don't have to stick to any political or idealogical agenda. I can avoid competition because honestly, I don't have that good ol' competitive spirit. I don't have to force myself to stick with anything or anyone. I could use it as an excuse when people try to push themselves on me, or if I get singled out for praise, which makes me very uncomfortable. Of course, using avoidance as an excuse is deplorable to me, except when it's useful.