Something (6 months Depressed)
Jun. 6th, 2005 03:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
perzephone
Just trying to keep updated in here... trying to track the course of this round of melancholy. There really isn't much to type about, though. I think that's the worst part of it all. The Great Big Empty that is me. I'm reading Carlos Castaneda at the moment. It's a combo of the first three 'don Juan' books. I think one has to be high on peyote or jimsonweed in order to really understand any of the concepts held within those pages. A lot of it sounds very Buddhist, tho - the need for detachment, and the 'all is nothing' sort of thinking. I'm down with that. I mean, really. If I could get any more detached & 'all is nothing' I might just find enlightenment. Unfortunately, it's a symptom of a greater mental disease, and not really a spiritual state.
I get hungry, but have no appetite. I don't want to do anything, but yet, somehow I'm not exactly bored. I'm just static. Collecting moss or something. I get tired of doing nothing, and sleep, but I'm not really sleepy, or tired for that matter. I just want to sleep. I used to do that in response to great stress. Usually when I had completely fucked up while I was living w/Penny or my aunt & knew that, when they came home, I was going to get a horrible beating. My mind would just shut itself down & I would go to sleep, usually to be woken up by being slapped or yanked out of bed. It's like jumping off a skyscraper - one is unconscious before one hits the ground... mental defense mode. Call it 'wild buffalo syndrome' - even though the buffalo is still alive when the lions begin eating it, its brain & CNS have shut down the pain centers.
Right now, I'm not sleepy, or tired, but will probably go to bed & fall asleep anyway. I've got to manage to get up in time to go to my allergy clinic. Fun fun fun. Twenty to fourty-five minutes in snot-nose Hell. At least the shots are working, which I didn't really expect them to do. I feel that most medicine is 90% in the mind. Apparently, the 10% that isn't is actually doing its job on my immune system.
I get hungry, but have no appetite. I don't want to do anything, but yet, somehow I'm not exactly bored. I'm just static. Collecting moss or something. I get tired of doing nothing, and sleep, but I'm not really sleepy, or tired for that matter. I just want to sleep. I used to do that in response to great stress. Usually when I had completely fucked up while I was living w/Penny or my aunt & knew that, when they came home, I was going to get a horrible beating. My mind would just shut itself down & I would go to sleep, usually to be woken up by being slapped or yanked out of bed. It's like jumping off a skyscraper - one is unconscious before one hits the ground... mental defense mode. Call it 'wild buffalo syndrome' - even though the buffalo is still alive when the lions begin eating it, its brain & CNS have shut down the pain centers.
Right now, I'm not sleepy, or tired, but will probably go to bed & fall asleep anyway. I've got to manage to get up in time to go to my allergy clinic. Fun fun fun. Twenty to fourty-five minutes in snot-nose Hell. At least the shots are working, which I didn't really expect them to do. I feel that most medicine is 90% in the mind. Apparently, the 10% that isn't is actually doing its job on my immune system.
