Feb. 21st, 2014

perzephone: madness takes its toll. please have exact change. (exact change)
It's kind of interesting to go over my past with my therapist. So much is missing.

My mother had my sisters to try and change their dad, to make him into the man she wanted him to be. It's a cliche, a story told too often. I was given some pretty obvious signals as a child that I wasn't wanted by my mother, so I imagine my creation was for a similar reason. Maybe by getting pregnant, my mother hoped to turn my dad into a stay-home kind of guy. It didn't work.

The re-emerging feelings of being unwelcome are making it hard for me to find any intrinsic value in myself. It goes deeper than that, though. It's hard to find self-worth when I question the worth of the human species in general, when I question the worth of life on Earth itself. That big-picture problem of the macrocosm is affecting my microcosm.

What gives a person value? What gives a person the right to exist? If we're all just happy accidents of evolution, then why do we feel so entitled to be here? Science has no answers. My religion is based on many, many creation myths - but why did the Gods create us? They hold no answers for me either. I know it's the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything, but I feel like I need that piece of the puzzle in order to find worth in myself. And since I'm the only one who can truly place a value on myself, that my worth has to come from within, I'm at a stalemate.

I think I'm too philosophical to heal.


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