Well-Traveled Drums

[perzephone]

I've been watching the progress of my drums on the UPS tracker... they've been shipped from Melbourne, FL, have been through Jacksonville, FL, were spotted in New Orleans :) and left Mesquite, TX last night around 11pm. I wonder where they'll end up tonight? I'm starting to get kinda excited about them, especially considering this Saturday is "Las Vegas Pagan Pride Day" - I might actually take an e/o on Friday night & drag Rob to it. I haven't decided yet - (it'll probably depend on how mopey Alea is at work on Friday & if I decide I just want to sleep through Saturday). They're having a drumming circle and I'm kind of curious, to say the least. Anyway, I know me --- being practical & staying at work Friday & sleeping all day Saturday will probably win out over a new experience & meeting new people.

My mojo fell through for Sheung-Yee. She didn't get promoted (again). It's sad, really - she's sharp, ambitious, has an MBA in Hotel Administration & has been a lead clerk for about a year now. The woman who was promoted has been working sporadically as a relief lead, and graduated from cosmetology school. I just sense a departure from the Excalibur in my future - if this new woman ends up as the graveyard shift supervisor, well, she & I have butted heads before, and I'm just not that emotionally invested in my job. And I have no problem just walking out in the middle of my shift - which just so happens to be 2am - about 1 hour from dateroll. Sometimes knowing that Nevada is a right-to-work state is bad for my head.

A lot of people I know (including myself) are thinking about the past right now, and regrets they have, mistakes they've made, things they would have liked to do differently. It's that time of year. Just as much as you only get one chance to do something 'right', you also only get one chance to do something 'wrong'. The worst demon out there is named 'Should Have'. "I should have been nicer to that friend", "I should have called my mom more often", "I should have given that relationship another chance", "I should have gone skydiving when I had the opportunity", "I should have closed my window"... "My parents should have been more supportive of my artistic talents", "My employer should have given me that promotion", "That bank should have given me that small business loan"... "I should have kept the weight off", "I should have been born a boy", "I should have been born straight", "I should have been a better... whatever".

Does holding on to the past & letting it eat at your guts like a fox cub make you a better person? Does it encourage you to change yourself? Does it make you analyze all your possible outcomes, all your possible futures, before making a decision? Or does it just hold you down and hold you back?
 
Here is a list of my regrets, and reasons why they were supposed to happen:
This is the only thing I cannot justify -
I should have made a firmer attempt to keep in touch with people. Now I can't even remember their names, except for a select few. You know who you are because there are only 3 of you - Ann, Eric, Lisa. I should make a better effort to be a true friend & stay in touch. I'm exhausted, though.

I should have made greater efforts to try & make my mom like me as a child. However, if we had been closer, her death would have shattered me and I would not be so strong or independent.

I should not have let my dad send me to Penny when my mom died. If not for the time spent with Penny, I probably would not have discovered Paganism. I would not have been hit by the car and died a few times. I would not have started drinking or experimenting with various chemicals as early as I did, and my brain's chemistry would be different. I probably would also still be living with Jody.

I should not have agreed to go to my aunt Liz & uncle Ernie in Tennessee - I should have gone to stay with Aunt Ruth or Aunt Jeanie, who actually wanted me around. I can't say what being wanted as a teenager does to someone. None of the teenagers I knew were 'wanted' children, except the yuppies & jocks, cheerleaders & prom queens, the 'popular' kids that I never got to know because I wasn't 'popular' or 'pretty'.

In 1988, I should have given Lamont Handerson a hug. It was the last day of school in 7th grade, in Memphis, TN. I knew I was never coming back, and I would probably never see him again. He was my best buddy & my partner in crime at the time. We stood there awkwardly in the hallway, shuffling our feet... and then three or four other people surrounded me & all I did was wave. I don't think that this was a pivotal event in my life, I just think I would be a better person for it. And for not being a pivotal event, I think about it way too often.

I should not have let my dad send me back to Jody. I should have made a greater effort to stay in the school system in Washington, worked on my musical skills & gotten a scholarship to the Fine & Performing Arts College.  

I should have graduated from high school, just put up with the socio-political bullshit and internal policies and stuck with it. I think if I had stuck with it, I might have gotten a scholarship of some sort, maybe for music... 

I should not have completely blown my trust fund. I should have put it away & only used it for the barest of necessities - it could have been used to finance my education. 

I should have gotten a reliable car with my trust fund, & learned to drive it & not sold it to give more money to Tom & Jody - Tom & Jody got to go to California w/car money... I could still have a car of my own. 

I should not have gotten together with Rob. I wouldn't be sitting here right now, typing a list of 'should haves', summoning demons of the past. If I had led my life right, I might be a leading figure in the music industry - maybe not as a performer, but as a producer, an agent... or maybe I might be first-chair in an orchestra. If things had not gone right, well, I'd probably still be living w/Jody, or maybe I would have drank myself to death, or run off to Minnesota with Eric... 

Deal brutally with the past - burn it, destroy it. It does no good to dwell on what you 'could' have been, only with what you are now, and what you can be in the future.