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Jul. 27th, 2003 10:06 am
So, I unintentionally made my husband shed a few tears last night... Next Monday I go to get this wisdom tooth pulled. I feel a little weird about it because it's the first time anything that normally belongs in my body is being taken out. Will I miss my tooth? Will my tooth miss me? But Rob is bothered because one of the potential side effects is, well, death. For some unknown reason, as we're taking me to work last night, we started talking about the procedure, and next thing I know he's got tears rolling down his cheeks & he tells me "Don't leave me!" I was touched.
I guess because most of my family died when I was still young & impressionable, instead of looking upon death as the great enemy, to me it seemed like something that just happened. Whenever a pet died, we went out later that week, sometimes the next day, sometimes the same day, and got a new one. My relatives, to me, seemed equally replaceable. Funerals for us weren't long drawn out ordeals, but more like an afternoon for the grown-ups to get together, drink & talk shit about the deceased. One time I was stuck babysitting & inadvertently ended up bringing the kid I was babysitting to an aunt's funeral. She started playing w/my nieces & younger cousins in the graveyard, and I don't think she was too traumatized by the whole thing. Her parents were like, "Well, did the event bother you?" & she was like, "No, but I've got a bunch of new friends now!" I've also got some very backwoods relatives living in Tennessee who still bury their own kinfolk out behind the stills & the outhouses... They sit up with their dead folk & sometimes their dead folk sit up... (I ran about 5 miles that night - had to walk back home, too.)
One of my penpals recently suggested to me that my fascination w/dead people is because I'm really afraid of death, but I have to disagree. If anything, I'm intensely curious. I want to know. Death is the great Unknowable. We can surmise, we can theorize, we can hope, we can wonder, we can fear... but until we die, we won't know for certain what actually happens. I mean, the mechanics of death are pretty straight-forward and can be quite gooshy. (I couldn't eat any fatty-looking meat after I found out about adipose tissue) But it's knowable. It's what happens to the soul that is the Mystery. I'm not afraid of death - I've died 4 times, but I didn't get very far (obviously!) I also had my bouts of attempted suicide when I was an alcoholic angst-filled teenager, but all that ever happened was the standard out-of-body, hovering over yourself watching the resuscitation events unfold. How boring. I want to know what's past that... beyond the Veil, what's behind door #3... the big score.
My only problem with death is this: I don't want to come back all unknowing again. I've learned so much so quickly in this lifetime that I don't want to forget it all over again, have to start from the beginning. Fresh new brain cells w/no foreknowledge of what's gonna happen. I don't care if the river of Nepenthe makes me forget what happens when you die, but I don't want to forget the rest of the stuff - like reincarnation itself, the notion that there may be more than one god, that everything in the Universe is a reflection of the Divine Source... I don't want to have to relearn all the social skills, the ancient stories, the personal mythology, I don't want to forget all the people I know. I don't want to forget my coyote magic or my snakeskin soul. I don't want to forget that music is made to be played with the heart and dancing uses more than your feet.
A word from Rumi...
Dance, when you're broken open.
Dance, if you've torn the bandage off.
Dance, in the middle of the fighting.
Dance in your blood.
Dance, when you're perfectly free.
I guess because most of my family died when I was still young & impressionable, instead of looking upon death as the great enemy, to me it seemed like something that just happened. Whenever a pet died, we went out later that week, sometimes the next day, sometimes the same day, and got a new one. My relatives, to me, seemed equally replaceable. Funerals for us weren't long drawn out ordeals, but more like an afternoon for the grown-ups to get together, drink & talk shit about the deceased. One time I was stuck babysitting & inadvertently ended up bringing the kid I was babysitting to an aunt's funeral. She started playing w/my nieces & younger cousins in the graveyard, and I don't think she was too traumatized by the whole thing. Her parents were like, "Well, did the event bother you?" & she was like, "No, but I've got a bunch of new friends now!" I've also got some very backwoods relatives living in Tennessee who still bury their own kinfolk out behind the stills & the outhouses... They sit up with their dead folk & sometimes their dead folk sit up... (I ran about 5 miles that night - had to walk back home, too.)
One of my penpals recently suggested to me that my fascination w/dead people is because I'm really afraid of death, but I have to disagree. If anything, I'm intensely curious. I want to know. Death is the great Unknowable. We can surmise, we can theorize, we can hope, we can wonder, we can fear... but until we die, we won't know for certain what actually happens. I mean, the mechanics of death are pretty straight-forward and can be quite gooshy. (I couldn't eat any fatty-looking meat after I found out about adipose tissue) But it's knowable. It's what happens to the soul that is the Mystery. I'm not afraid of death - I've died 4 times, but I didn't get very far (obviously!) I also had my bouts of attempted suicide when I was an alcoholic angst-filled teenager, but all that ever happened was the standard out-of-body, hovering over yourself watching the resuscitation events unfold. How boring. I want to know what's past that... beyond the Veil, what's behind door #3... the big score.
My only problem with death is this: I don't want to come back all unknowing again. I've learned so much so quickly in this lifetime that I don't want to forget it all over again, have to start from the beginning. Fresh new brain cells w/no foreknowledge of what's gonna happen. I don't care if the river of Nepenthe makes me forget what happens when you die, but I don't want to forget the rest of the stuff - like reincarnation itself, the notion that there may be more than one god, that everything in the Universe is a reflection of the Divine Source... I don't want to have to relearn all the social skills, the ancient stories, the personal mythology, I don't want to forget all the people I know. I don't want to forget my coyote magic or my snakeskin soul. I don't want to forget that music is made to be played with the heart and dancing uses more than your feet.
A word from Rumi...
Dance, when you're broken open.
Dance, if you've torn the bandage off.
Dance, in the middle of the fighting.
Dance in your blood.
Dance, when you're perfectly free.
