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Treating Depression
May. 21st, 2005 04:24 pm
Been down so long don't know what it feels like to be up. Been thinking about it, knowing somewhere inside me that something is broken. I'm not completely emotionless - I get angry, irritated, annoyed, irked, peeved... but pure, unadulterated joy? I don't think I've ever felt it. Mostly I'm dead or angry, or some variation thereof.
So I'm thinking to myself. I've been fighting this a loooong time. Since I was little. The only thing years of counseling & Alateen as a teenager did was give me basic coping skills, how to recognize when the depression swept over me. Counseling won't help me right now - I can talk these feelings and fears out til I'm blue in the face, but all I'm basically doing is complaining at that point. I can't change them. I can't alter my own emotions. I can't 'act as though' anymore. I'm not 'bi-polar'. There is no manic side to my depression. I'm either depressed, or more depressed. There's no upswing on this for me to take advantage of, no opportunity for me to release & channel the negative emotions. And right now, things are pretty damned bleak. I asked Rob (who is so completely against me trying better living thru chemistry it isn't even funny, but he's the one who keeps bringing it up...) how long he thinks I've been down & he said, "More than a few months." It's funny, because I've only started feeling really bad for what me feels like a few weeks. I've got to look thru my previous entries & see if I can pinpoint when the last wave hit, & the one before that, see how long I've been in the trough of the wave this time around. I don't think that this time I'm going to come out topside on my own, tho. I think this time the wave is going to suck me under. And my arms are getting really tired of fighting the current.
So Monday, I'm calling the doctor & I'm going to go in & ask him a few questions. I've been doing the background research on the 'Net, seeing what treatments are out there. The only side-effect that really bugs me is the loss of sexual desire... I rarely drink anymore. You actually can drink while taking anti-depressants, but it's not recommended.
I'm just so tired of being tired. Not sleeping, even w/the Ambien. Not wanting to take a shower or get dressed or go anywhere, do anything... When I talk to people I bite their heads off. I sit at work & just want to bawl or scream or just walk out & walk into the sunset. I've changed what I can, but there are still elements of my life that I cannot change right now. I can't blame this bout of depression on them, but they definitely exacerbate the problem. And Rob always thinks it's 100% his fault when I get them ol' cozmic blues. He just doesn't understand - he may make them worse, but they've always been there.
E-mailed the Hula Rat, as she's the only person I know who's had any experience w/anti-depressants as something other than a recreational drug, hoping she e-mails me back before I get to the doctor. The people @ work swap their pain killers, muscle relaxants & anti-depressants like they're Pez, and Alex is on so much crap, prescription & otherwise, that he's not a reliable resource.
It used to be when I was a depressed, drunken teenager I could at least write pretentious angst-filled poetry, dye my sheets black, walk around muttering how my life was 'one big, dark room', but I'm getting a little too old for that crap. And I can't see walking around for months on end feeling like this. I keep telling Rob that there are drugs out there that could help him w/his never-ending anxiety. So I'm going to take my own advice & see if I can get some artificial joy in the form of a pill.
So I'm thinking to myself. I've been fighting this a loooong time. Since I was little. The only thing years of counseling & Alateen as a teenager did was give me basic coping skills, how to recognize when the depression swept over me. Counseling won't help me right now - I can talk these feelings and fears out til I'm blue in the face, but all I'm basically doing is complaining at that point. I can't change them. I can't alter my own emotions. I can't 'act as though' anymore. I'm not 'bi-polar'. There is no manic side to my depression. I'm either depressed, or more depressed. There's no upswing on this for me to take advantage of, no opportunity for me to release & channel the negative emotions. And right now, things are pretty damned bleak. I asked Rob (who is so completely against me trying better living thru chemistry it isn't even funny, but he's the one who keeps bringing it up...) how long he thinks I've been down & he said, "More than a few months." It's funny, because I've only started feeling really bad for what me feels like a few weeks. I've got to look thru my previous entries & see if I can pinpoint when the last wave hit, & the one before that, see how long I've been in the trough of the wave this time around. I don't think that this time I'm going to come out topside on my own, tho. I think this time the wave is going to suck me under. And my arms are getting really tired of fighting the current.
So Monday, I'm calling the doctor & I'm going to go in & ask him a few questions. I've been doing the background research on the 'Net, seeing what treatments are out there. The only side-effect that really bugs me is the loss of sexual desire... I rarely drink anymore. You actually can drink while taking anti-depressants, but it's not recommended.
I'm just so tired of being tired. Not sleeping, even w/the Ambien. Not wanting to take a shower or get dressed or go anywhere, do anything... When I talk to people I bite their heads off. I sit at work & just want to bawl or scream or just walk out & walk into the sunset. I've changed what I can, but there are still elements of my life that I cannot change right now. I can't blame this bout of depression on them, but they definitely exacerbate the problem. And Rob always thinks it's 100% his fault when I get them ol' cozmic blues. He just doesn't understand - he may make them worse, but they've always been there.
E-mailed the Hula Rat, as she's the only person I know who's had any experience w/anti-depressants as something other than a recreational drug, hoping she e-mails me back before I get to the doctor. The people @ work swap their pain killers, muscle relaxants & anti-depressants like they're Pez, and Alex is on so much crap, prescription & otherwise, that he's not a reliable resource.
It used to be when I was a depressed, drunken teenager I could at least write pretentious angst-filled poetry, dye my sheets black, walk around muttering how my life was 'one big, dark room', but I'm getting a little too old for that crap. And I can't see walking around for months on end feeling like this. I keep telling Rob that there are drugs out there that could help him w/his never-ending anxiety. So I'm going to take my own advice & see if I can get some artificial joy in the form of a pill.
