Making Up For Yesterday

I didn't get around to my 10 minutes, mainly because I got up at 5:30, cooked dinner, ate dinner, cleaned up the dishes, took a shower, massaged my own feet & went to work... I got out early by virtue of Jeff & Alea being kind.

I am really not used to focusing on my body this much. Carbs, carbs, carbs... Can't eat fat because I want my cholesterol to stay tame, can't eat salt because of the blood pressure, can't eat carbs because the shrink has delusions of sugar poisoning... What's left, really? Brussel sprouts. My stomach is fucking killing me right now. It was worse earlier. It's like the ulcers are flaring back up for whatever insidious reason my ulcers choose to launch sneak attacks at me. I shit so much from about 8pm til about 12midnight that now, not only does my actual stomach hurt, but so does my asshole, my stomach muscles, my sides & my lower back. Some Mexican woman sat next to me in a stall in the Excal's restroom earlier as I was having another bout & she exclaimed, "OH Dios Mios!!!" & left the stall. It never ceases to amaze me that someone can walk into a restroom where almost every stall is empty & sit next to me... and I always choose the stall furthest or closest to the end of a row. I don't sit right in the middle stall where someone may not have a choice but to have to take the stall next to me... Kind of like being in a doctor's waiting room full of empty chairs, & the person with oozing pustulant sores & a bad cough sits right next to me... Why do humans have such a herd instinct?

My knees hurt, too. Stomach, abs, sides, back, knees. And I've got a sensitive filling. And a broken wisdom tooth w/a sore gum because stuff keeps getting trapped between the top of the broken out hole & the gum underneath it, putting undue pressure on the gum & the tooth next to it. It's mainly the little broccoli buds that are giving me the most grief.

At least I've been sleeping ok, even after cutting back to 10mg of Elavil. The dreams aren't as vivid or memorable as they were on 25mg. :( I do know that I'm dreaming, but I can't remember much of anything about them... Just that I'm dreaming.

Pizza & Soda

Oh, I said fuck it today. Either I'm going to not go to a shrink anymore, or I'm going to lie to my existing shrink... or I'm going to not lie & eat like I want to anyway... or just refrain from mentioning it.

I had pizza & a soda today, and I feel honestly full for the first time in a week. I know that in 3 hours, I will still be full... It's relieving, really. I hate being hungry. I work a 10-hr shift... last night, I ate close to 8pm, and even w/all the running to the bathroom, by 10pm I was starving to death. My stomach, aside from being in stabbing pain, was growling audibly... It's not like I can just get up & run downstairs during my shift to find something edible in the EDR every 2 - 3 hrs. I get one break, period. Yes, it's an hour & fifteen minutes, but still, 1 break. I can't just roam aimlessly around the hotel whenever I feel like it. And if I take my break when I first get to work, that means I've got another 8hrs & 45min of work... and the night can draw out like a knife. When you're hungry, it's all you can concentrate on. That stomach, crying out, feed me, feed me! Like Audrey II, 'FEED ME!!!'

Yeah, I know that me & hunger probably have all these psychological issues. I've lived on the streets for months at a time. I've had periods in my life where Ramen was too expensive... I've lived on less than $100 a month. Gave food to Jamie & Miranda & Jody & gone without. So yes, I like to eat now, and I'm probably more comfortable w/my body now, fat & all, than I was when I was ribby & starving. But the food issues & the fat issues are not what're holding me back. There's something in my brain that is dysfunctional that has nothing to do w/how much I weigh, what I eat or how I look. Some part of my brain has just stopped moving forward.

Maybe it's the Buddhism... letting go of attachments, letting go of desire, not being attached to outcomes. I have no desires... And I've come to a screeching halt.

There's been a debate going on in the depression forum I visit over the origins & definition of 'meh'. I've been really working on that not talking bit, but I had to butt in... "It's from the Simsons, people!" Not even the teenage girl who started the whole controversy knew where it came from. Geez. And I'm not even a pop-culture trivia queen, by any means.