Pizza & Soda
Jul. 10th, 2005 07:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
perzephone
Oh, I said fuck it today. Either I'm going to not go to a shrink anymore, or I'm going to lie to my existing shrink... or I'm going to not lie & eat like I want to anyway... or just refrain from mentioning it.
I had pizza & a soda today, and I feel honestly full for the first time in a week. I know that in 3 hours, I will still be full... It's relieving, really. I hate being hungry. I work a 10-hr shift... last night, I ate close to 8pm, and even w/all the running to the bathroom, by 10pm I was starving to death. My stomach, aside from being in stabbing pain, was growling audibly... It's not like I can just get up & run downstairs during my shift to find something edible in the EDR every 2 - 3 hrs. I get one break, period. Yes, it's an hour & fifteen minutes, but still, 1 break. I can't just roam aimlessly around the hotel whenever I feel like it. And if I take my break when I first get to work, that means I've got another 8hrs & 45min of work... and the night can draw out like a knife. When you're hungry, it's all you can concentrate on. That stomach, crying out, feed me, feed me! Like Audrey II, 'FEED ME!!!'
Yeah, I know that me & hunger probably have all these psychological issues. I've lived on the streets for months at a time. I've had periods in my life where Ramen was too expensive... I've lived on less than $100 a month. Gave food to Jamie & Miranda & Jody & gone without. So yes, I like to eat now, and I'm probably more comfortable w/my body now, fat & all, than I was when I was ribby & starving. But the food issues & the fat issues are not what're holding me back. There's something in my brain that is dysfunctional that has nothing to do w/how much I weigh, what I eat or how I look. Some part of my brain has just stopped moving forward.
Maybe it's the Buddhism... letting go of attachments, letting go of desire, not being attached to outcomes. I have no desires... And I've come to a screeching halt.
There's been a debate going on in the depression forum I visit over the origins & definition of 'meh'. I've been really working on that not talking bit, but I had to butt in... "It's from the Simsons, people!" Not even the teenage girl who started the whole controversy knew where it came from. Geez. And I'm not even a pop-culture trivia queen, by any means.
I had pizza & a soda today, and I feel honestly full for the first time in a week. I know that in 3 hours, I will still be full... It's relieving, really. I hate being hungry. I work a 10-hr shift... last night, I ate close to 8pm, and even w/all the running to the bathroom, by 10pm I was starving to death. My stomach, aside from being in stabbing pain, was growling audibly... It's not like I can just get up & run downstairs during my shift to find something edible in the EDR every 2 - 3 hrs. I get one break, period. Yes, it's an hour & fifteen minutes, but still, 1 break. I can't just roam aimlessly around the hotel whenever I feel like it. And if I take my break when I first get to work, that means I've got another 8hrs & 45min of work... and the night can draw out like a knife. When you're hungry, it's all you can concentrate on. That stomach, crying out, feed me, feed me! Like Audrey II, 'FEED ME!!!'
Yeah, I know that me & hunger probably have all these psychological issues. I've lived on the streets for months at a time. I've had periods in my life where Ramen was too expensive... I've lived on less than $100 a month. Gave food to Jamie & Miranda & Jody & gone without. So yes, I like to eat now, and I'm probably more comfortable w/my body now, fat & all, than I was when I was ribby & starving. But the food issues & the fat issues are not what're holding me back. There's something in my brain that is dysfunctional that has nothing to do w/how much I weigh, what I eat or how I look. Some part of my brain has just stopped moving forward.
Maybe it's the Buddhism... letting go of attachments, letting go of desire, not being attached to outcomes. I have no desires... And I've come to a screeching halt.
There's been a debate going on in the depression forum I visit over the origins & definition of 'meh'. I've been really working on that not talking bit, but I had to butt in... "It's from the Simsons, people!" Not even the teenage girl who started the whole controversy knew where it came from. Geez. And I'm not even a pop-culture trivia queen, by any means.
