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Why Prolong Things?
Aug. 19th, 2005 02:48 am
Been thinking about my health. Why I let things go til they put me in misery or break (like my teef)... Why I don't like exercise, refuse to diet, why I basically stay slothlike & self-indulgent...
Why prolong the inevitable? With any luck, considering my weight, blood pressure & cholesterol levels, I'll be dead before I'm 60. Either that or I'll die of a heart attack the day after I have to mandatorily retire at 67.
I've tried to commit suicide so many times, and have never succeeded. I've got an amazingly high drug tolerance, and an amazingly fast clotting time. Apparently, I'm dying of natural causes, another accident or someone (like the BodyWorlds ninjas) is going to murder me.
Yes, I could just put a shotgun in my mouth & pull the trigger, but I have a great fear of unsuccessful gunshot wounds. I frequent gore sites, and I know someone can survive w/half their head blown off, or with their face ripped in half... It's not pretty, I'm sure it's painful beyond belief, and then there's the recuperation & commitment to a mental hospital to look forward to.
Exercise, any form of exercise, is boring. I'm doing these stretches for my back & knee, and they are boring. Yoga is boring. It's the mindless repetitions. It's like the rest of my everyday life - doing the same thing over & over again w/no real results. Meditation while exercising has grown boring - I can listen to the Himalayan monks chanting anytime I zone out for 5 minutes - I don't have to be in the 'Drinking Lion' position to achieve that.
I've put it out there that I'm giving up on being a mortician & going to be a CPA, and not a single person has offered any condolences or said to me, "Gee, why give up on your dream?" No practical advice or shoulders to cry on have come my way. Rob's only interested in the bottom line after my 6 years in Hel are done & over with. And school - I'm looking down that barrel right now - less than 3 weeks & it starts. Back in July it felt like I had time... Now I'm starting to panic. I'm just sort of launching myself at it w/grim determination & gritted teeth. Not going to let myself drop out again. Going to do it - but even my self-support is grown weary and half-assed. Which means I'm going to slog through the next 6 years like I've been slogging through the past 4 years of the Excalibur.
I am so tired, and my soul is so cold. And I just don't care anymore. I'm used to disappointment, I expect it. It's the only thing I can rely on in this world.
Why prolong the inevitable? With any luck, considering my weight, blood pressure & cholesterol levels, I'll be dead before I'm 60. Either that or I'll die of a heart attack the day after I have to mandatorily retire at 67.
I've tried to commit suicide so many times, and have never succeeded. I've got an amazingly high drug tolerance, and an amazingly fast clotting time. Apparently, I'm dying of natural causes, another accident or someone (like the BodyWorlds ninjas) is going to murder me.
Yes, I could just put a shotgun in my mouth & pull the trigger, but I have a great fear of unsuccessful gunshot wounds. I frequent gore sites, and I know someone can survive w/half their head blown off, or with their face ripped in half... It's not pretty, I'm sure it's painful beyond belief, and then there's the recuperation & commitment to a mental hospital to look forward to.
Exercise, any form of exercise, is boring. I'm doing these stretches for my back & knee, and they are boring. Yoga is boring. It's the mindless repetitions. It's like the rest of my everyday life - doing the same thing over & over again w/no real results. Meditation while exercising has grown boring - I can listen to the Himalayan monks chanting anytime I zone out for 5 minutes - I don't have to be in the 'Drinking Lion' position to achieve that.
I've put it out there that I'm giving up on being a mortician & going to be a CPA, and not a single person has offered any condolences or said to me, "Gee, why give up on your dream?" No practical advice or shoulders to cry on have come my way. Rob's only interested in the bottom line after my 6 years in Hel are done & over with. And school - I'm looking down that barrel right now - less than 3 weeks & it starts. Back in July it felt like I had time... Now I'm starting to panic. I'm just sort of launching myself at it w/grim determination & gritted teeth. Not going to let myself drop out again. Going to do it - but even my self-support is grown weary and half-assed. Which means I'm going to slog through the next 6 years like I've been slogging through the past 4 years of the Excalibur.
I am so tired, and my soul is so cold. And I just don't care anymore. I'm used to disappointment, I expect it. It's the only thing I can rely on in this world.
