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I think I'm going bald.
Edited for content 10:58pm - If I am indeed going bald, I'm going to get my head tattooed with a labyrinth.
Edited for content 10:58pm - If I am indeed going bald, I'm going to get my head tattooed with a labyrinth.
Why Prolong Things?
Aug. 19th, 2005 02:48 amBeen thinking about my health. Why I let things go til they put me in misery or break (like my teef)... Why I don't like exercise, refuse to diet, why I basically stay slothlike & self-indulgent...
Why prolong the inevitable? With any luck, considering my weight, blood pressure & cholesterol levels, I'll be dead before I'm 60. Either that or I'll die of a heart attack the day after I have to mandatorily retire at 67.
I've tried to commit suicide so many times, and have never succeeded. I've got an amazingly high drug tolerance, and an amazingly fast clotting time. Apparently, I'm dying of natural causes, another accident or someone (like the BodyWorlds ninjas) is going to murder me.
Yes, I could just put a shotgun in my mouth & pull the trigger, but I have a great fear of unsuccessful gunshot wounds. I frequent gore sites, and I know someone can survive w/half their head blown off, or with their face ripped in half... It's not pretty, I'm sure it's painful beyond belief, and then there's the recuperation & commitment to a mental hospital to look forward to.
Exercise, any form of exercise, is boring. I'm doing these stretches for my back & knee, and they are boring. Yoga is boring. It's the mindless repetitions. It's like the rest of my everyday life - doing the same thing over & over again w/no real results. Meditation while exercising has grown boring - I can listen to the Himalayan monks chanting anytime I zone out for 5 minutes - I don't have to be in the 'Drinking Lion' position to achieve that.
I've put it out there that I'm giving up on being a mortician & going to be a CPA, and not a single person has offered any condolences or said to me, "Gee, why give up on your dream?" No practical advice or shoulders to cry on have come my way. Rob's only interested in the bottom line after my 6 years in Hel are done & over with. And school - I'm looking down that barrel right now - less than 3 weeks & it starts. Back in July it felt like I had time... Now I'm starting to panic. I'm just sort of launching myself at it w/grim determination & gritted teeth. Not going to let myself drop out again. Going to do it - but even my self-support is grown weary and half-assed. Which means I'm going to slog through the next 6 years like I've been slogging through the past 4 years of the Excalibur.
I am so tired, and my soul is so cold. And I just don't care anymore. I'm used to disappointment, I expect it. It's the only thing I can rely on in this world.
Why prolong the inevitable? With any luck, considering my weight, blood pressure & cholesterol levels, I'll be dead before I'm 60. Either that or I'll die of a heart attack the day after I have to mandatorily retire at 67.
I've tried to commit suicide so many times, and have never succeeded. I've got an amazingly high drug tolerance, and an amazingly fast clotting time. Apparently, I'm dying of natural causes, another accident or someone (like the BodyWorlds ninjas) is going to murder me.
Yes, I could just put a shotgun in my mouth & pull the trigger, but I have a great fear of unsuccessful gunshot wounds. I frequent gore sites, and I know someone can survive w/half their head blown off, or with their face ripped in half... It's not pretty, I'm sure it's painful beyond belief, and then there's the recuperation & commitment to a mental hospital to look forward to.
Exercise, any form of exercise, is boring. I'm doing these stretches for my back & knee, and they are boring. Yoga is boring. It's the mindless repetitions. It's like the rest of my everyday life - doing the same thing over & over again w/no real results. Meditation while exercising has grown boring - I can listen to the Himalayan monks chanting anytime I zone out for 5 minutes - I don't have to be in the 'Drinking Lion' position to achieve that.
I've put it out there that I'm giving up on being a mortician & going to be a CPA, and not a single person has offered any condolences or said to me, "Gee, why give up on your dream?" No practical advice or shoulders to cry on have come my way. Rob's only interested in the bottom line after my 6 years in Hel are done & over with. And school - I'm looking down that barrel right now - less than 3 weeks & it starts. Back in July it felt like I had time... Now I'm starting to panic. I'm just sort of launching myself at it w/grim determination & gritted teeth. Not going to let myself drop out again. Going to do it - but even my self-support is grown weary and half-assed. Which means I'm going to slog through the next 6 years like I've been slogging through the past 4 years of the Excalibur.
I am so tired, and my soul is so cold. And I just don't care anymore. I'm used to disappointment, I expect it. It's the only thing I can rely on in this world.
Birthdays...
Dec. 31st, 2003 08:50 amBirthdays around the holidays are the most horrible thing a parent can give a child. Fer Gods' sakes people, when you breed, try to choose a time of conception that will ensure the birth doesn't fall between Thanksgiving & January 2nd. I never had a birthday party. Ever. Hell, I was lucky to even get a birthday card when I was a kid. It always kind of got lumped in w/the adults' New Year's stuff.
(Let the whining commence) Of course, that hasn't changed. When I think of all the cards & e-mails I've sent to people over the past year remembering their special day, and I open my post office box to naught but bills, it irks me a little. I even called Jody at the butt-crack of dawn on her birthday so I could be the first to sing "Happy Smurfday to Ewe" off-key to her answering machine.
I mean, am I ungracious when I get a birthday card or present? Do I toss cards at others w/a flippant, "Oh yeah, today's yer birthday, in't it?" Do I not pitch in at work when others come around w/the card & collection envelope? I've baked 3 cakes & an apple pie, bought candles, arranged & plotted for my folks on graveyard... Maybe it wouldn't matter so much if it wasn't for the fact that I hit 30 today & I expected something more.
Yes, I am playing the world's smallest violin to the tune of "My Heart Bleeds Purple Porpoise Piss for Me".
The in-laws brought me soup yesterday, which considering how crappy I still feel, was very nice. (It had a peculiar entity known as a matzoh ball in it... I don't know exactly what it was, but it was insidious. I hated the texture, yet it was compelling to continue eating it...) I'm beginning to doubt flu & think more that it's a residual effect from being dehydrated & depleted by the Diovan. Stress test on Monday. Blegh.
(Let the whining commence) Of course, that hasn't changed. When I think of all the cards & e-mails I've sent to people over the past year remembering their special day, and I open my post office box to naught but bills, it irks me a little. I even called Jody at the butt-crack of dawn on her birthday so I could be the first to sing "Happy Smurfday to Ewe" off-key to her answering machine.
I mean, am I ungracious when I get a birthday card or present? Do I toss cards at others w/a flippant, "Oh yeah, today's yer birthday, in't it?" Do I not pitch in at work when others come around w/the card & collection envelope? I've baked 3 cakes & an apple pie, bought candles, arranged & plotted for my folks on graveyard... Maybe it wouldn't matter so much if it wasn't for the fact that I hit 30 today & I expected something more.
Yes, I am playing the world's smallest violin to the tune of "My Heart Bleeds Purple Porpoise Piss for Me".
The in-laws brought me soup yesterday, which considering how crappy I still feel, was very nice. (It had a peculiar entity known as a matzoh ball in it... I don't know exactly what it was, but it was insidious. I hated the texture, yet it was compelling to continue eating it...) I'm beginning to doubt flu & think more that it's a residual effect from being dehydrated & depleted by the Diovan. Stress test on Monday. Blegh.
Ten Years Gone
Sep. 2nd, 2003 12:42 pm
Eh, hate spiritual crises. Have 'em everytime I clean the house, it seems, so therefore I also avoid cleaning house whenever possible, but The Rat's coming out next week & I don't want her friends thinking I am a sty-keeper, especially in light of the fact that they'll be sleeping on my floor & couches.
I think I'm really going to have to make an investment & get a guitar or a sax or something, start making noise again instead of just listening to it. Not that listening is that passive for me.
Today is Rob's first day back on the job & I stayed up all day yesterday, slept all nite last night & am up today so I can take advantage of the fact that he's not here. I haven't listened to Zeppelin in a long time, just because they're an old friend & have always been there for me, and I don't have to keep them fresh in my memory... but today, I was cleaning my bathroom & needed them around. I put in Physical Graffiti so I could hear "Houses of the Holy", which has been running thru my head this morning for some reason. All went well, I was down to cleaning the mirrors, and then strains of a song that I haven't heard in a very long time hit me in the heart. Holding my paper towels & Windex in a death grip, I felt myself sink to the floor and started sobbing.
Ten Years Gone
(Page/Plant)
Then as it was, then again it will be
An' though the course may change sometimes
Rivers always reach the sea
Blind stars of fortune, each have several rays
On the wings of maybe, downy birds of prey
Kind of makes me feel sometimes, didn't have to grow
But as the eagle leaves the nest, it's got so far to go //
Changes fill my time, baby, that's alright with me
In the midst I think of you, and how it used to be
// Did you ever really need somebody, And really need 'em bad
Did you ever really want somebody, The best love you ever had
Do you ever remember me, baby, did it feel so good
'Cause it was just the first time, And you knew you would //
Though the eyes may sparkle, Senses growing keen
Taste your love along the way, See your feathers preen
Kind of makes makes me feel sometimes, Didn't have to grow
We are eagles of one nest, The nest is in our soul
// Vixen in my dreams, with great surprise to me
Never thought I'd see your face the way it used to be
Oh darlin', oh darlin'
// I'm never gonna leave you. I never gonna leave
Holdin' on, ten years gone
Ten years gone, holdin' on, ten years gone
Eventually is my word of the year. Eventually I'll be my own person again. Not caught up in a web of confusion & resentful acceptance. This is why I don't do Tarot readings for myself. This is why I've been trying to be a Buddhist. Eventually.
I think I'm really going to have to make an investment & get a guitar or a sax or something, start making noise again instead of just listening to it. Not that listening is that passive for me.
Today is Rob's first day back on the job & I stayed up all day yesterday, slept all nite last night & am up today so I can take advantage of the fact that he's not here. I haven't listened to Zeppelin in a long time, just because they're an old friend & have always been there for me, and I don't have to keep them fresh in my memory... but today, I was cleaning my bathroom & needed them around. I put in Physical Graffiti so I could hear "Houses of the Holy", which has been running thru my head this morning for some reason. All went well, I was down to cleaning the mirrors, and then strains of a song that I haven't heard in a very long time hit me in the heart. Holding my paper towels & Windex in a death grip, I felt myself sink to the floor and started sobbing.
Ten Years Gone
(Page/Plant)
Then as it was, then again it will be
An' though the course may change sometimes
Rivers always reach the sea
Blind stars of fortune, each have several rays
On the wings of maybe, downy birds of prey
Kind of makes me feel sometimes, didn't have to grow
But as the eagle leaves the nest, it's got so far to go //
Changes fill my time, baby, that's alright with me
In the midst I think of you, and how it used to be
// Did you ever really need somebody, And really need 'em bad
Did you ever really want somebody, The best love you ever had
Do you ever remember me, baby, did it feel so good
'Cause it was just the first time, And you knew you would //
Though the eyes may sparkle, Senses growing keen
Taste your love along the way, See your feathers preen
Kind of makes makes me feel sometimes, Didn't have to grow
We are eagles of one nest, The nest is in our soul
// Vixen in my dreams, with great surprise to me
Never thought I'd see your face the way it used to be
Oh darlin', oh darlin'
// I'm never gonna leave you. I never gonna leave
Holdin' on, ten years gone
Ten years gone, holdin' on, ten years gone
Eventually is my word of the year. Eventually I'll be my own person again. Not caught up in a web of confusion & resentful acceptance. This is why I don't do Tarot readings for myself. This is why I've been trying to be a Buddhist. Eventually.
