Life Goes On... and On... and On, Ad Nauseum

Last night as I was cleaning up the dinner dishes, I thought to myself, "Gee, another 30 or 40 years of dirty dishes. Joy." Life sucks in its infinite repetitiveness & tedium.

When I was a teenager, I figured I would end up being a statistic. Now that I'm basically middle-aged for the basic longevity of my family, what the heck am I supposed to do for the rest of my life? I don't enjoy what I'm doing now & the thought of continually having to do it for 30 or so more years really blows. Rob won't even let me finish a sentence when I start telling him about this. He says it hurts his feelings because I don't even see being with him as worthwhile enough... If he only knew the Truth.

It's now officially been over a year since my depression got this bad. I should go see another shrink, but the last one put a fear in my head... "What if this really is all I am?"

I figured I ought to come up with something positive this year...

Things I do like:
The gurgle the coffee pot makes to announce that it's done.
Wood smoke.
The smell of diesel exhaust, asphalt & rain combined.
Roses & tangerines
The taste of envelope glue.
The softness of worn cotton sheets against my feet.
Falling asleep in the bathtub.
Knowing that I'm asleep. It's not really lucid dreaming, it's lucid sleeping.

Even My Horrorscope is Insulting

From the oracle that is Rob Brezsny:

Happy Valentine Daze, Capricorn! To begin our meditation on love, let's turn our attention to your appearance. I think you owe a huge debt of gratitude to the fact that you don't have the face and body of a dazzling supermodel or gorgeous hunk. The temptation to rely on your physical attractiveness at the expense of developing your character would be virtually irresistible. In the coming days, this fact will bring you a fresh batch of benefits, including a subtle breakthrough in your romantic life. Here's your quote of the week, from Katharine Hepburn: "It is the plain women who know about love. The beautiful women are too busy being fascinating."

So I'm supposed to be thankful that I'm ugly and have really bad genes? Yanno, Horrorscopes are supposed to apply to all of an astrological sign, but sometimes Brezsny just gets personal.

I think this is part of my problem. As the women in my family age, they get really hard on the eyes. All the women in my family start looking like those Depression-era Dustbowl farmer women... Deep creases running from nose to the corners of their mouths, thin lips, lizard skin, squinty wrinkles on the forehead, frowzy hair, boobs down to their bellies. And it all basically starts when they hit 30 or so. It's all downhill for me.