perzephone: (bad ducky)
I'm having some trouble adjusting to the estrogen (I think). Or it may be the result of running out of Elavil. Or stress over losing my health insurance. Or holiday/gettin' older blues. Or or or.

Actually, I don't know what it is exactly. I'm in a funk. Not the good kind of Parliament-raise-the-roof-funk, either. Just a don't-want-to-do-anything-surly-black-cloud kind of funk.

I don't want to get any older. I've somehow turned into a gerascophobe. Usually I'm pretty good at dealing with things I cannot avoid. I push through them, I don't worry about them, and I move on. Yes, I will die. No problem. Death may be painful. No problem. Yes, I will have to work until I die. No problem - not the greatest way to spend my life, but I have to do it if I want to maintain my current level of electricity-and-indoor-plumbing/hot-water-availability dependence. Yes, the world is going to hell in a hand basket. No problem. But the closer to 40 I get the less I want to go past it.

I work (and I'm stuck all night) in an office full of old women right now, and that's a good portion of why I want to step down from auditing & go back to being a desk clerk. I can't take the old women conversations any more. Every thing they talk about exacerbates the feelings I have about getting old. Old age doesn't seem like a comfortable place to be. You lose your independence, your body betrays you in new & interesting (not to mention disgusting) ways, you become fearful and paranoid of everyday occurrences, you start to worry about the weirdest stuff - or worrying about weird stuff becomes magnified and overly important (like dryer lint - the mother-in-law calls us to remind us to clean the dryer lint trap at least once a week, because of dryer fires... and those other old women call their kids about it, too), your mind finishes going wherever it started to go when it started to go, and now, thanks to better nutrition and medical care, you end up being old for a really long time compared to the time you had when you were young. I miss the days when the average human lifespan was like, 50 - and if you lived to 50 you were fucking ancient.

It seems so ridiculous to worry about something like getting old. It happens to everyone, everyone probably shares the same concerns as I do, but it's inevitable. Whenever I see people on t.v., and one person is telling another person about how they're worried about getting older, the other person (especially if they are older) always responds with something like, "Don't be ridiculous, oh my God you're so shallow, oh, grow some balls, get over it, cry me a river, etc. etc." No one ever gets any sympathy for it. Fear and phobias aren't something that get much sympathy to begin with. Everyone seems to view a person who is phobic of something mundane is just looking for attention or being ridiculous in some form (unless it's snakes. For some reason, it's ok to be afraid of snakes. Except to herpetologists & snake fanciers, in which case, well, you're being ridiculous. Here, hold this python. See, he's not slimy, he's not biting you, he's not trying to tempt you with an apple... Hey, where are you going?! Come back! Look, he really just wants to give you a hug!!!)

I'm not a sympathetic person, I don't know why I'd expect some sympathy or understanding for me not wanting to get old. I feel like I can't even talk to anyone about it because I anticipate hearing the same platitudes as I hear on t.v. shows. I brought it up to the therapists I went to see, and they didn't even seem to acknowledge it or want to address it, and I felt like every time I'd try to bring it up, they'd want to move on from it. I felt like I was being dismissed. "Oh, we can't fix that because it's not a problem, you're just being ridiculous. Here, let's talk about why you're fat instead..." I know the Wellbutrin hasn't helped. If anything, by removing the constant desire to commit suicide, it's given my brain more space to think about getting old. And of course, the only way to prevent aging is to die. Hah hah, Wellbutrin, take that!

I know me stepping down from audit is a hassle to management. Having to train a replacement is a hassle. But I feel like I can't even talk to the management about why I want to step down. I can't even talk to Rob about it because he thinks I'm being ridiculous, too. I basically lied to them all, said I don't like the level of support we get from IT anymore, the general unavailability of management, lack of experience or knowledge of OPERA, wanting to have a different schedule so I could go to a concert or spend time w/people who may come to Vegas on an actual calendar weekend... If I was able to work in the manager's office, away from the old ladies, I'd stay night auditor because, eh, even though they are real issues, I don't really give a rat's ass about any of the other things. I just don't want to hear about being old anymore. But I can't exactly complain about the PBX crew, because they aren't doing anything wrong, they're not interfering w/my job, and I'm the one who has the problem.

I've even thought about hooking up w/people who are about 15 years younger than myself in an effort to 'get my groove back'. Then I talk to them a little bit, and feel even older. I don't think I'll be taking up residence in Cougartown any time soon.
perzephone: (Default)
So here I am, almost halfway through 35.

I'm at an age where I should already be doing what I'm supposed to be doing for the rest of my life - not still trying to figure out what that is. I should be settled into a career, firm in my goals, confident, saving towards the eventuality of retirement.

Instead, I'm living in a house my in-laws own, living paycheck to paycheck, no direction, no goals, pretty much nothing.

I was listening to Seether while I ironed and it dawned on me that I relate far too well to almost every song on Finding Beauty in Negative Spaces. Personally, deeply and painfully relate. I thought to myself, "Gee, I can't be old. I can still relate to rock music... and not just the music I listened to as a teenager".

Right now, though, 50 is feeling a Hel of a lot closer than 20.


Apr. 13th, 2009 06:43 pm
perzephone: (Default)
I have to honestly say that I hate what I'm doing for a living. I don't even know if starting at some other business would make it better.

Do you think 35 is too old to become a veterinarian?


Jan. 3rd, 2009 06:33 pm
perzephone: (Default)
Freak on a Leash is ten years old?!

Fuck me, I'm getting so old.


Dec. 1st, 2008 09:40 pm
perzephone: (Default)
In about 30 days, I'm going to be 35.

I don't know how I feel about that.

I'm halfway to the end.
perzephone: (Default)
Been out of the house over the past few days, shopping for Rob's clothes, mostly. Feeling that autumn melancholy sweep over me like it does every year. Thinking about the slow, inexorable passage of time, the ticking of the clock, counting out my mortal span.

The root of mortal, mori, means death. As mortal beings, we are not living, we are dying. Like the year itself, growing old, passing on.

Looking at my greying hair, wondering if I should give up on the vanity of dying it. Rob's right, tho - if we're out together, people will ask if I'm his mother, or they'll think he's a very unattractive gigolo or something. I guess I'll give it another few years, see if I'm tired of shopping for new colors when I'm 35.

I started thinking about how I occasionally step out of linear time to go somewhere else. Fold the map, so to speak, stop the clock. Wherever it is I go when I do that, time is longer there than it is here. Maybe that's why I feel so much older than I am, why my hair is so much greyer than it should be, why it started to grey when I was 12... About 2 years after I consciously recognized myself as Pagan.

And of all the time I spend outside of time, I seem to waste it on making sure I get to work on time, waste it on making it to appointments, waste it on getting someplace here faster than the local physics allow.

Thinking about all the time that has left gaps in my memory - no memory of being here, like when I got hit by the car. I spent a week of local time somewhere else, and that's time I'll never retrieve.

I bought a pedometer today, mainly because the doctor wants me to walk an hour every day at a brisk pace. I keep telling people I do a tremendous amount of brisk walking at work, but I honestly don't know how much walking that really is. So now, as well as tracking the minutes of my life, one sweep of the second hand at a time, I'll also be tuning into my steps. Briskly going nowhere, same as usual.

Anyway, been doing school crap, trying to make Java programs work, math math math, reading The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test, reading about all my ethnobotanical heroes before they became tenured at Harvard & Yale, before the Grateful Dead, before Vietnam... watching an old film of Bob Dylan, watching history fly by. 5 years since September 11, 2001. 100 years since Mohandas K. Gandhi.

I'm so tired.
perzephone: (Default)
From the oracle that is Rob Brezsny:

Happy Valentine Daze, Capricorn! To begin our meditation on love, let's turn our attention to your appearance. I think you owe a huge debt of gratitude to the fact that you don't have the face and body of a dazzling supermodel or gorgeous hunk. The temptation to rely on your physical attractiveness at the expense of developing your character would be virtually irresistible. In the coming days, this fact will bring you a fresh batch of benefits, including a subtle breakthrough in your romantic life. Here's your quote of the week, from Katharine Hepburn: "It is the plain women who know about love. The beautiful women are too busy being fascinating."

So I'm supposed to be thankful that I'm ugly and have really bad genes? Yanno, Horrorscopes are supposed to apply to all of an astrological sign, but sometimes Brezsny just gets personal.

I think this is part of my problem. As the women in my family age, they get really hard on the eyes. All the women in my family start looking like those Depression-era Dustbowl farmer women... Deep creases running from nose to the corners of their mouths, thin lips, lizard skin, squinty wrinkles on the forehead, frowzy hair, boobs down to their bellies. And it all basically starts when they hit 30 or so. It's all downhill for me.
perzephone: (Default)
Last night as I was cleaning up the dinner dishes, I thought to myself, "Gee, another 30 or 40 years of dirty dishes. Joy." Life sucks in its infinite repetitiveness & tedium.

When I was a teenager, I figured I would end up being a statistic. Now that I'm basically middle-aged for the basic longevity of my family, what the heck am I supposed to do for the rest of my life? I don't enjoy what I'm doing now & the thought of continually having to do it for 30 or so more years really blows. Rob won't even let me finish a sentence when I start telling him about this. He says it hurts his feelings because I don't even see being with him as worthwhile enough... If he only knew the Truth.

It's now officially been over a year since my depression got this bad. I should go see another shrink, but the last one put a fear in my head... "What if this really is all I am?"

I figured I ought to come up with something positive this year...

Things I do like:
The gurgle the coffee pot makes to announce that it's done.
Wood smoke.
The smell of diesel exhaust, asphalt & rain combined.
Roses & tangerines
The taste of envelope glue.
The softness of worn cotton sheets against my feet.
Falling asleep in the bathtub.
Knowing that I'm asleep. It's not really lucid dreaming, it's lucid sleeping.
perzephone: (Default)
Last night was the last night of the first week of Kelly's night audit training. She's doing really well, even tho she has her moments of... completely losing her train of thought. She is very good at catching all the errors in my 'Night Audit for Dummies' manual, tho. (ugh. I just ate a rotten pistachio. Fucking GROSS!!!).

I reached my first maintenance shot for my allergies, got a follow-up to do on Tues when the doc will determine how many times a week/month whatever I need to get my maintenance shots. I am pretty proud of myself as to how vigilant I've been - normally it can take up to 8 months to reach the maintenance dose. I will be soooo happy to not have to go back to that allergy clinic 4X a week. Everyone in there, except me, it seems, was constantly hawking & snorking & hacking. Even tho I'm sitting in an allergy clinic, my brain just doesn't accept that "it's just allergies"... and even allergic snot is still snot. I try to find the one chair away from anyone else, in a deserted corner, and of course some old snotty woman would insist on sitting next to me & start a conversation. One even grabbed my freakin' arm because I thought the small talk had ended & she apparently didn't. I'm like, "Lady, you just blew your nose on a tissue you shoved up your sleeve with that hand." Having to wear my black t-shirts w/the funereal slogans on them to keep people away. When I get old, I'm going to automatically assume that no one really wants to have a conversation with me.

I have to do dishes & some laundry. Other than that, I am not doing shit this weekend. I'm gonna sit here on my ass for three days & vegetate. Work on my herbology, burn some music. Brainless stuff.
perzephone: (Default)
is finally finished. I don't know who these yoyo's were that the in-laws hired to get this job done, but they took forever getting around to it. And now the next door neighbor is giving us shit for raising the wall on the opposite side of his house maybe 8"... I swear, some people literally can't stay out of other people's bidness. He's selling his house anyway, so why does he even bother caring about what we do w/the other wall? Old people need to have jobs or something to do w/their time. Either that, or they need to be shot the day after they retire if they don't die of a heart attack later that afternoon. I'm easing everyone out of having to put up w/me - I'm voluntarily shooting myself the day after I retire... Josh is going out in a boatload of C4. Rob's strapping himself up w/C4 & jumping into the Grand Canyon - says his explosive tripwire will be about 25' shorter than the canyon floor so he explodes before he hits the ground. So there will be 3 fewer potential crotchety old nosey-ass people in the world for the younger generations to worry about. Hah!
perzephone: (Default)
Hmmm, now that I've hit 30, can I have a mid-life crisis? I want to buy a cherry-red McLaran F1 & seduce Enrique Iglesias into being my pool boy. Of course, I don't have a pool, so I guess he can towel me off after my showers. Finding out that Enrique has some sort of cameo in "Once Upon a Time in Mexico" just makes me hunger to see that flick all that much more.
Rob keeps asking if he needs to start spreading newspaper all over the floor, & I keep telling him, "NO! The sexual peak is at 35, ya dork!"
So here we embark on the brave year 2004 - it comes out to a 6, numerologically speaking. Hold on to yer hats, ladies & gents, it's gonna be an emotionally-driven year, very little common sense will be exhibited. Things begun in since 2001 will be coming to an end, bearing fruit, yielding results, what have ye, but anything begun now will be on shaky foundations. Bad year to get married or start a business venture. Marriages & businesses that begin this year may very well not see the end of it & will probably go bye-bye by oh, 2008 or so. Children born of 2006 will be emotionally-geared kids, can't appeal to their sense of reason. They may have actual emotional disturbances or mental disabilities. People dealing w/depression, bi-polar tendencies, addictions, etc. are gonna have a hard time of it this year.
I wish everyone luck in all they do, we all need a little luck to make it through.
perzephone: (Default)
Birthdays around the holidays are the most horrible thing a parent can give a child. Fer Gods' sakes people, when you breed, try to choose a time of conception that will ensure the birth doesn't fall between Thanksgiving & January 2nd. I never had a birthday party. Ever. Hell, I was lucky to even get a birthday card when I was a kid. It always kind of got lumped in w/the adults' New Year's stuff.
(Let the whining commence) Of course, that hasn't changed. When I think of all the cards & e-mails I've sent to people over the past year remembering their special day, and I open my post office box to naught but bills, it irks me a little. I even called Jody at the butt-crack of dawn on her birthday so I could be the first to sing "Happy Smurfday to Ewe" off-key to her answering machine.
I mean, am I ungracious when I get a birthday card or present? Do I toss cards at others w/a flippant, "Oh yeah, today's yer birthday, in't it?" Do I not pitch in at work when others come around w/the card & collection envelope? I've baked 3 cakes & an apple pie, bought candles, arranged & plotted for my folks on graveyard... Maybe it wouldn't matter so much if it wasn't for the fact that I hit 30 today & I expected something more.
Yes, I am playing the world's smallest violin to the tune of "My Heart Bleeds Purple Porpoise Piss for Me".

The in-laws brought me soup yesterday, which considering how crappy I still feel, was very nice. (It had a peculiar entity known as a matzoh ball in it... I don't know exactly what it was, but it was insidious. I hated the texture, yet it was compelling to continue eating it...) I'm beginning to doubt flu & think more that it's a residual effect from being dehydrated & depleted by the Diovan. Stress test on Monday. Blegh.
perzephone: (Default)
Eh, hate spiritual crises. Have 'em everytime I clean the house, it seems, so therefore I also avoid cleaning house whenever possible, but The Rat's coming out next week & I don't want her friends thinking I am a sty-keeper, especially in light of the fact that they'll be sleeping on my floor & couches.
I think I'm really going to have to make an investment & get a guitar or a sax or something, start making noise again instead of just listening to it. Not that listening is that passive for me.
Today is Rob's first day back on the job & I stayed up all day yesterday, slept all nite last night & am up today so I can take advantage of the fact that he's not here. I haven't listened to Zeppelin in a long time, just because they're an old friend & have always been there for me, and I don't have to keep them fresh in my memory... but today, I was cleaning my bathroom & needed them around. I put in Physical Graffiti so I could hear "Houses of the Holy", which has been running thru my head this morning for some reason. All went well, I was down to cleaning the mirrors, and then strains of a song that I haven't heard in a very long time hit me in the heart. Holding my paper towels & Windex in a death grip, I felt myself sink to the floor and started sobbing.

Ten Years Gone

Then as it was, then again it will be
An' though the course may change sometimes
Rivers always reach the sea
Blind stars of fortune, each have several rays
On the wings of maybe, downy birds of prey
Kind of makes me feel sometimes, didn't have to grow
But as the eagle leaves the nest, it's got so far to go //
Changes fill my time, baby, that's alright with me
In the midst I think of you, and how it used to be
// Did you ever really need somebody, And really need 'em bad
Did you ever really want somebody, The best love you ever had
Do you ever remember me, baby, did it feel so good
'Cause it was just the first time, And you knew you would //
Though the eyes may sparkle, Senses growing keen
Taste your love along the way, See your feathers preen
Kind of makes makes me feel sometimes, Didn't have to grow
We are eagles of one nest, The nest is in our soul
// Vixen in my dreams, with great surprise to me
Never thought I'd see your face the way it used to be
Oh darlin', oh darlin'
// I'm never gonna leave you. I never gonna leave
Holdin' on, ten years gone
Ten years gone, holdin' on, ten years gone

Eventually is my word of the year. Eventually I'll be my own person again. Not caught up in a web of confusion & resentful acceptance. This is why I don't do Tarot readings for myself. This is why I've been trying to be a Buddhist. Eventually.


perzephone: (Default)
Rainbow Serpent Woman

August 2014

101112 13141516


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Oct. 21st, 2017 02:08 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios