Stupid Stuff While Trying to Stay Awake

I'm backdating these posts so the Train post will stay on top for now... I have a bunch of stupid funny e-mails & jokes & crap & I'm trying desperately to stay awake at least another half hour. WoW is doing rolling server restarts, so that avenue of trying to stay awake has been closed for construction. This shit's starting to piss me off. I have three days off per week, and those seem to be the three days WoW wants to do maintenance. WTFOMGBBQ!!!!!

21 Questions (Note to self: do the next ones in rich text mode for cripes' sake)
1. How do you catch a one-of-a-kind rabbit? Unique up on it.

2. How do you catch a domestic rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it.

3. How do crazy people go through the woods? They take the psychopath.

4. How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it.

5. What do fish say when they hit a wall? Dam!

6. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

7. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.

8. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.

9. What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

10. What do you call four bullfighters in quick sand? Quattro Sinko.

11. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

12. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite.

13. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

14. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

15. Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

16. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.

17. Why don’t blind people skydive? Because it scares the dog.

18. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.

19. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The location of the dirt bag.

20. Why did pilgrim’s pants always fall down? Because they wore their belt buckles on their hats.

21. What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes Whack! “Damn!”

25 Signs You Have Grown Up

I think I got these from someone else's LJ...

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers!

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps from noon to 6PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

30 Meanest Things to Say to a Naked Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Aww, it's cute.

3. Why don't we just cuddle?

4. You know they have surgery to fix that.

5. Make it dance.

6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?

7. Wow, and your feet are so big.

8. It's OK, we'll work around it.

9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Oh no... a flash headache.

11. (giggle and point)

12. Can I be honest with you?

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

14. This explains your car.

15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

16. Why is God punishing me?

17. At least this won't take long.

18. I never saw one like that before.

19. But it still works, right?

20. It looks so unused.

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

23. Are you cold?

24. If you get me real drunk first.....

25. Is that an optical illusion?

26. What is that?

27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

28. Does it come with an air pump?

29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.

Guide to Becoming an Evil Villain

I know this came from somewhere else, but it's too great to not post again, and this way I have a back-up copy if my computer and discs get stolen. I'm going to attempt to cut it because it's so freaking long! Wish me luck & we'll all know if I don't succeed...

( World domination is everyone’s dream. It’s not a bad job really. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Villain I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, I follow these guidelines while conquering the world. )

Good Advice is Hard to Come By

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. The only thing management is good for is preventing people from getting any work done.

17. FINAL Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Totally Un-PC Aesop's Fable

If you're liberal you may not want to read this.

The Ant & the Grasshopper

ORIGINAL VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying in supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying in supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well-fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house, where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of Federal judges that Bill had appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

Ok, Last One for Tonight

Alcohol Warning Labels

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode