![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Sometimes I Wonder...
Nov. 12th, 2006 01:22 am
Do I have spirituality, or a mental disorder?
Maybe there's a reason why I only feel 'real' when I'm drunk, why I can only create original words when I'm almost too drunk to type? Why every time my history teacher asks for another writing assignment, I get an urge to have a beer, or maybe a shot of whiskey? Or maybe forget the beer & just sit down with the bottle of whiskey? Why over the past coupla years I only seem to get really horny when I'm bombed to the point of numbness?
I'm not drunk right now. In fact, I haven't been goodly drunk in like, 2 years. I got a good buzz a coupla weeks ago, but fell asleep instead of doing anything more constructive. Of course, lately anytime I sit still for an hour, I fall asleep.
( The Schizotypal Personality Disorder (StPD) )
I started thinking about this because I was thinking about how the sensation of my uniform against my skin is driving me nuts, and that was the primary reason I called out of work. I need a break from my uniform. And then I started thinking about hypersensitivity & Asperger's syndrome... which led to me wondering if I'm a sociopath, because 99% of the time, I really don't care about anyone else. People talk to me & I respond in a socially accepted manner - not because I have any real feelings for what they're telling me, but because I get funny looks when I pop off with something Pinky-like ("Yeah, but the burlap chafes me so"). I feel like I'm a big pretender because I don't honestly feel anything. So I started wondering if I'm a sociopath, would I eventually start killing people, or do female sociopaths end up as serial killers? Which led me to looking up the definition for 'sociopath', which is now called 'antisocial personality disorder'... and I'm honestly not seeing myself as fitting that description. I have read about the schizotypal thing, and the above was an interesting article, especially when the author started discussing alcohol as a drug of choice & how once a StPD tries a psychedelic drug it can be impossible to make them stop, especially if they have an 'enlightening' experience.
I think it's kind of funny how the article mentions that StPD's have trouble accessing illegal drugs because of social ineptitude, which reminds me of how I'd love to get my hands on some real Ecstasy, but I'm too paranoid to trust anything I might be able to buy on the street... and none of my pill-popping co-workers play around with rave drugs - they all prefer swapping their antidepressants, diet pills & hydrocodone.
Maybe there's a reason why I only feel 'real' when I'm drunk, why I can only create original words when I'm almost too drunk to type? Why every time my history teacher asks for another writing assignment, I get an urge to have a beer, or maybe a shot of whiskey? Or maybe forget the beer & just sit down with the bottle of whiskey? Why over the past coupla years I only seem to get really horny when I'm bombed to the point of numbness?
I'm not drunk right now. In fact, I haven't been goodly drunk in like, 2 years. I got a good buzz a coupla weeks ago, but fell asleep instead of doing anything more constructive. Of course, lately anytime I sit still for an hour, I fall asleep.
( The Schizotypal Personality Disorder (StPD) )
I started thinking about this because I was thinking about how the sensation of my uniform against my skin is driving me nuts, and that was the primary reason I called out of work. I need a break from my uniform. And then I started thinking about hypersensitivity & Asperger's syndrome... which led to me wondering if I'm a sociopath, because 99% of the time, I really don't care about anyone else. People talk to me & I respond in a socially accepted manner - not because I have any real feelings for what they're telling me, but because I get funny looks when I pop off with something Pinky-like ("Yeah, but the burlap chafes me so"). I feel like I'm a big pretender because I don't honestly feel anything. So I started wondering if I'm a sociopath, would I eventually start killing people, or do female sociopaths end up as serial killers? Which led me to looking up the definition for 'sociopath', which is now called 'antisocial personality disorder'... and I'm honestly not seeing myself as fitting that description. I have read about the schizotypal thing, and the above was an interesting article, especially when the author started discussing alcohol as a drug of choice & how once a StPD tries a psychedelic drug it can be impossible to make them stop, especially if they have an 'enlightening' experience.
I think it's kind of funny how the article mentions that StPD's have trouble accessing illegal drugs because of social ineptitude, which reminds me of how I'd love to get my hands on some real Ecstasy, but I'm too paranoid to trust anything I might be able to buy on the street... and none of my pill-popping co-workers play around with rave drugs - they all prefer swapping their antidepressants, diet pills & hydrocodone.
