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Off the Cross, Someone Needs the Wood
May. 31st, 2009 10:01 pm
Last night I pulled out Thurisaz for the answer to 'What is my Cross'?
The challenge I face, consistently and constantly, throughout my lifetime. Thurisaz - the earthen resistance of the ancient giants, the moldthur, and the passive defensiveness of thorns. Interestingly enough, it is also the generative power of masculinity, so maybe my cross to bear is my father's legacy in me. That restless wandering homeless aimlessness immaturity that he embodied, expressed in my life as never knowing what I want to be when I grow up, always looking for the next best thing.
Rob's still against me picking up a part-time job. It has absolutely nothing to do with me, it's because he feels guilty about not working. I've been thinking about hitting up some smaller hotels instead of hotel-casinos. Maybe another Best Western or something. Some place with a couple hundred rooms instead of a couple thousand rooms. Whatever I decide, I'm trying to wait out this week, see if I end up getting fired on Friday. It's going to be a nerve-wracking week and I've given up booze due to calories. No more self-medicating for me, hah.
Been keeping a food diary over the past couple of weeks for the doctor. Been counting calories, too. My daily intake is about 1000 - 1200 calories, mostly fruit & veggies. My stomach is killing me, but I keep telling it no bread, no pasta, no beer - no pain, no E. Just keeping the fantasy alive ;)
Edited to add: Just ran through my past two weeks & it's been pretty revealing. I have only eaten about 700 calories worth of food yesterday & today, but it felt like I was eating a bunch of junk food all weekend. My worst day (2080 calories) involved a mixed seafood platter from the Hawaiian Barbecue place up the road. A fried mahi mahi filet, 2 fried shrimp, 2 fried scallops, macaroni salad & kim chee was about 1000 calories in & of itself. 2 pieces of Pizza Hut's pineapple & black olive pizza & 2 breadsticks only came to about 700 calories. My home-made hamburgers have about the same amount of calories as a McDonald's Quarter-Pounder (550 in case you were wondering - mine have waaaaaay less sodium, though, because I don't salt my burgers, I use a smidge of Worcestershire sauce, some garlic, some chile powder, some onions, you get the picture), but I broil my burgers. I think it's the buns that are doing me in, simply because I buy Sara Lee's whole-grain white instead of whole-wheat or something. Rob won't eat whole-wheat bread. If I cut out the bun, mayo & ketchup, that's almost 400 calories right there. Mayo is 90 calories per 1 tbs. & I put about a tbs. of mayo on each side of the bun. I like mayonnaise & the thought of eating a burger w/out it is just depressing. There's something about the alchemy of a grilled burger's juices mingling with the fatty tanginess of mayo... especially after it's seeped into that last bite of seasoned, slightly crisp on the edge, bun. yum. I've been pretty good, though - fruit at work all week, salmon once a week, a couple of no-meat days in there.
Gods, I can't help it. I love food. I honestly do. I don't live to eat, but eating adds a layer of simple joy into my otherwise joyless life. Especially good food, and I am a damned good cook. I may not be a Food Network-calibre chef, but I can fucking cook, and I enjoy cooking. I also garner much satisfaction from the idea that I am nourishing myself and others when I cook for them. Food is sacred, cooking for others is sacred, and it's an act of service in which I never mind involving myself or my time. Tonight I popped a couple of chicken breasts coated in barbecue sauce into the oven before we went to the grocery store & coming home to that awesome smell filling the house... there's nothing else quite like it in the world. Except maybe a roasting turkey.
The challenge I face, consistently and constantly, throughout my lifetime. Thurisaz - the earthen resistance of the ancient giants, the moldthur, and the passive defensiveness of thorns. Interestingly enough, it is also the generative power of masculinity, so maybe my cross to bear is my father's legacy in me. That restless wandering homeless aimlessness immaturity that he embodied, expressed in my life as never knowing what I want to be when I grow up, always looking for the next best thing.
Rob's still against me picking up a part-time job. It has absolutely nothing to do with me, it's because he feels guilty about not working. I've been thinking about hitting up some smaller hotels instead of hotel-casinos. Maybe another Best Western or something. Some place with a couple hundred rooms instead of a couple thousand rooms. Whatever I decide, I'm trying to wait out this week, see if I end up getting fired on Friday. It's going to be a nerve-wracking week and I've given up booze due to calories. No more self-medicating for me, hah.
Been keeping a food diary over the past couple of weeks for the doctor. Been counting calories, too. My daily intake is about 1000 - 1200 calories, mostly fruit & veggies. My stomach is killing me, but I keep telling it no bread, no pasta, no beer - no pain, no E. Just keeping the fantasy alive ;)
Edited to add: Just ran through my past two weeks & it's been pretty revealing. I have only eaten about 700 calories worth of food yesterday & today, but it felt like I was eating a bunch of junk food all weekend. My worst day (2080 calories) involved a mixed seafood platter from the Hawaiian Barbecue place up the road. A fried mahi mahi filet, 2 fried shrimp, 2 fried scallops, macaroni salad & kim chee was about 1000 calories in & of itself. 2 pieces of Pizza Hut's pineapple & black olive pizza & 2 breadsticks only came to about 700 calories. My home-made hamburgers have about the same amount of calories as a McDonald's Quarter-Pounder (550 in case you were wondering - mine have waaaaaay less sodium, though, because I don't salt my burgers, I use a smidge of Worcestershire sauce, some garlic, some chile powder, some onions, you get the picture), but I broil my burgers. I think it's the buns that are doing me in, simply because I buy Sara Lee's whole-grain white instead of whole-wheat or something. Rob won't eat whole-wheat bread. If I cut out the bun, mayo & ketchup, that's almost 400 calories right there. Mayo is 90 calories per 1 tbs. & I put about a tbs. of mayo on each side of the bun. I like mayonnaise & the thought of eating a burger w/out it is just depressing. There's something about the alchemy of a grilled burger's juices mingling with the fatty tanginess of mayo... especially after it's seeped into that last bite of seasoned, slightly crisp on the edge, bun. yum. I've been pretty good, though - fruit at work all week, salmon once a week, a couple of no-meat days in there.
Gods, I can't help it. I love food. I honestly do. I don't live to eat, but eating adds a layer of simple joy into my otherwise joyless life. Especially good food, and I am a damned good cook. I may not be a Food Network-calibre chef, but I can fucking cook, and I enjoy cooking. I also garner much satisfaction from the idea that I am nourishing myself and others when I cook for them. Food is sacred, cooking for others is sacred, and it's an act of service in which I never mind involving myself or my time. Tonight I popped a couple of chicken breasts coated in barbecue sauce into the oven before we went to the grocery store & coming home to that awesome smell filling the house... there's nothing else quite like it in the world. Except maybe a roasting turkey.
