I Feel Like I Need Permission
Apr. 26th, 2007 01:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
perzephone
Sometimes I just don't want to do anything painful or inconvenient. Usually, I go out of my way to inconvenience myself - always looking for the hardest route, the most troublesome pathway... but right now, I just don't want to do. I just want to be.
Even though I know that if I let my leg sit here & not do anything, the muscles will quit working and I will be stuck with a nasty limp & foot drop & lingering nerve and muscle pain. My pt hit these tendons in the back of my calf today & I almost went through the wall. She was rolling her thumbs & knuckles down my leg while making me flex my toes... It hurts so bad and it makes me not want to go back at all. I can do all the hamstring stretching I want, but the minute I stop stretching, it's like those tendons become steel cables again. I can stretch every single day, and usually do, but it doesn't seem to matter. I am wound tight & all the yoga in the world won't cure me. Monday they left my calf alone & were just fucking with my knee, so it was sore all night. Tonight, my left leg is bothering me because well, I only slept an hour or so since last night. Tonight the right knee isn't bad, but I'm afraid the minute I relax in my sleep, I'm going to get hit with a vicious charlie horse. I do really need to go to bed, but I got a third wind around midnight, like normal. I've got another appt. at 1:30pm, and it looks like once again, I won't be asleep before 7am. Yergh. I cannot wait to get back to work so I can be too mentally and emotionally drained to stay awake like this. I might give up & take another Darvocet - bad habit, but I haven't had one since last Friday. It's the easy way out for me right now - why struggle with sleep that won't come when I can drug myself into oblivion? Could be worse, I guess - Rob's sister's husband (technically my brother-in-law, but it's weird calling James that, or Tania my sister-in-law for that matter, mainly because of Jody & Terry)had total knee replacement in both legs using some revolutionary new technique, & now he can barely walk & is in constant pain. It's been almost 6 months & he's on total disability. Jody's on a medical loa for her siezures. Terry's on 100% for her back. I am relieved to know that at least on the surface, my surgery went right. Unless the bone isn't healing, I should be able to walk without my knee popping out of joint again, which will be nice. At the worst, if the bone doesn't fill in the hole, well, it's back to slipping joints & instability - just like the left knee. Aside from the pt beating on me, it doesn't hurt much anymore. I have a weird 'rubber band' sensation when I bend it, though, and it almost feels like my knee is going to pop out of my skin, but that's supposed to fade.
Oh, yeah, Rob broke his toe, confirmed by the doc this morning, with much exclamation over the swelling & fading bruises. And no, there isn't anything we can do for it, really - ice & ibuprofen. He's got to baby it. When you break your littlest piggy, you're just kind of stuck with it being broken.
Reading more of Coyote Medicine. Apparently, Coyote got bored once & together with Silver Fox, made everything on earth appear by singing it into existence. He was still bored after everything was here, so he told Silver Fox he was going to see if he could create something smarter than himself. That's how we got here... being smarter than Coyote ain't saying much, but Silver Fox knew all along we'd be trouble.
Even though I know that if I let my leg sit here & not do anything, the muscles will quit working and I will be stuck with a nasty limp & foot drop & lingering nerve and muscle pain. My pt hit these tendons in the back of my calf today & I almost went through the wall. She was rolling her thumbs & knuckles down my leg while making me flex my toes... It hurts so bad and it makes me not want to go back at all. I can do all the hamstring stretching I want, but the minute I stop stretching, it's like those tendons become steel cables again. I can stretch every single day, and usually do, but it doesn't seem to matter. I am wound tight & all the yoga in the world won't cure me. Monday they left my calf alone & were just fucking with my knee, so it was sore all night. Tonight, my left leg is bothering me because well, I only slept an hour or so since last night. Tonight the right knee isn't bad, but I'm afraid the minute I relax in my sleep, I'm going to get hit with a vicious charlie horse. I do really need to go to bed, but I got a third wind around midnight, like normal. I've got another appt. at 1:30pm, and it looks like once again, I won't be asleep before 7am. Yergh. I cannot wait to get back to work so I can be too mentally and emotionally drained to stay awake like this. I might give up & take another Darvocet - bad habit, but I haven't had one since last Friday. It's the easy way out for me right now - why struggle with sleep that won't come when I can drug myself into oblivion? Could be worse, I guess - Rob's sister's husband (technically my brother-in-law, but it's weird calling James that, or Tania my sister-in-law for that matter, mainly because of Jody & Terry)had total knee replacement in both legs using some revolutionary new technique, & now he can barely walk & is in constant pain. It's been almost 6 months & he's on total disability. Jody's on a medical loa for her siezures. Terry's on 100% for her back. I am relieved to know that at least on the surface, my surgery went right. Unless the bone isn't healing, I should be able to walk without my knee popping out of joint again, which will be nice. At the worst, if the bone doesn't fill in the hole, well, it's back to slipping joints & instability - just like the left knee. Aside from the pt beating on me, it doesn't hurt much anymore. I have a weird 'rubber band' sensation when I bend it, though, and it almost feels like my knee is going to pop out of my skin, but that's supposed to fade.
Oh, yeah, Rob broke his toe, confirmed by the doc this morning, with much exclamation over the swelling & fading bruises. And no, there isn't anything we can do for it, really - ice & ibuprofen. He's got to baby it. When you break your littlest piggy, you're just kind of stuck with it being broken.
Reading more of Coyote Medicine. Apparently, Coyote got bored once & together with Silver Fox, made everything on earth appear by singing it into existence. He was still bored after everything was here, so he told Silver Fox he was going to see if he could create something smarter than himself. That's how we got here... being smarter than Coyote ain't saying much, but Silver Fox knew all along we'd be trouble.
