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Suicidal Ideation
Nov. 17th, 2013 09:34 pm
At one point, after receiving my degree and failing miserably at a job that was in my career path, and having to return to a former employer, I began having very strong urges to kill myself. Obviously, I didn't or this blog would be exceedingly creepy right now. I've had failed attempts in the past, and the onus of yet another failed attempt is about the only thing that stopped me. Even without making another attempt, I couldn't get my head to shut up about it. Suicide became a cyclical solution to every situation, no matter how big or small.
Me: "I don't want to go to work tonight"
My brain: "You could kill yourself, then you won't have to go".
Me: I don't want to get up.
My brain: You could kill yourself instead.
Me: I don't really want salmon for dinner.
My brain: Kill yourself. No more salmon. Problem solved.
I went to a therapist, a couple of them, as a matter of fact. I tried a couple of antidepressants, and Wellbutrin finally shut the OCD suicide voice up (I had to stop taking the Wellbutrin because along with stopping the suicidal ideation, it also made all sleeping stop). I'm still depressed, still have occasional suicidal ideation, but it's not a constant backbeat to the rhythm of my days.
This article is interesting to me mainly because of the first point about how failure is a strong indicator of suicide. I may have a poor resilience to failure. My life has not been greatly successful. I have a decent job, a decent home, but I'm not a raving success at anything I do. You'd think that when I do fail, I'd be used to it... but I think it's a matter of degree. Getting my puny little Associates was a struggle. Just sticking with it, not quitting before I failed miserably (which was my prediction - starting school only to be stymied by math classes or social anxieties or lack of funds or any of the other things that could have stopped me from completing my degree), it took a huge toll on my emotions and when I finally got my degree it was such a relief to be done with it. And I was working in the IT field, which was also a battle. I got the job hoping to learn and advance, but apparently my boss didn't hire me for IT work, she hired me to be an office assistant... One thing led to another and I ended up quitting & going back into night audit.
It was a huge failure for me. The one job I thought I'd be good at, the one thing I thought I could succeed at - nope. Failed. And I took it extremely hard. Thinking about it now it's just one more failure in the long line of previous failures - time, experience and perspective puts a buffer on things like that. It seems kind of stupid to kill yourself over a job, or not being able to work in your degree field. Millions of people out there right now experienced the same thing I did, or are experiencing the same thing I did, and they go on living. What should make me any different?
Me: "I don't want to go to work tonight"
My brain: "You could kill yourself, then you won't have to go".
Me: I don't want to get up.
My brain: You could kill yourself instead.
Me: I don't really want salmon for dinner.
My brain: Kill yourself. No more salmon. Problem solved.
I went to a therapist, a couple of them, as a matter of fact. I tried a couple of antidepressants, and Wellbutrin finally shut the OCD suicide voice up (I had to stop taking the Wellbutrin because along with stopping the suicidal ideation, it also made all sleeping stop). I'm still depressed, still have occasional suicidal ideation, but it's not a constant backbeat to the rhythm of my days.
This article is interesting to me mainly because of the first point about how failure is a strong indicator of suicide. I may have a poor resilience to failure. My life has not been greatly successful. I have a decent job, a decent home, but I'm not a raving success at anything I do. You'd think that when I do fail, I'd be used to it... but I think it's a matter of degree. Getting my puny little Associates was a struggle. Just sticking with it, not quitting before I failed miserably (which was my prediction - starting school only to be stymied by math classes or social anxieties or lack of funds or any of the other things that could have stopped me from completing my degree), it took a huge toll on my emotions and when I finally got my degree it was such a relief to be done with it. And I was working in the IT field, which was also a battle. I got the job hoping to learn and advance, but apparently my boss didn't hire me for IT work, she hired me to be an office assistant... One thing led to another and I ended up quitting & going back into night audit.
It was a huge failure for me. The one job I thought I'd be good at, the one thing I thought I could succeed at - nope. Failed. And I took it extremely hard. Thinking about it now it's just one more failure in the long line of previous failures - time, experience and perspective puts a buffer on things like that. It seems kind of stupid to kill yourself over a job, or not being able to work in your degree field. Millions of people out there right now experienced the same thing I did, or are experiencing the same thing I did, and they go on living. What should make me any different?
