Journaling Again

So here I am, back at the blank page.

Depression, suicidal ideation, same ol story. Went back to the pshrink. Started Zoloft at 25mg. At least I didn't wake up to screamingly bright lights like I did w/Paxil, lol.

It's this cycle. I'll never get off it. All I can do is ride it out & hope for the upticks. I'm trying not to sabotage another job. At 40 and w/the economy the way it is I'll never get hired anywhere again.

I'm supposed to do things that, even if they are fleeting, distract me out of my abject misery. Play with the dog, watch action flicks, that kind of thing. Tried to engage the dog in play-time, the dog was less than impressed. I cannot depend on others for distraction. Watched an episode of Boardwalk Empire, which is a decent drama with good characters, and there were a lot of interesting plot twists in the episode we watched tonight, so I had a full hour of distraction.

Zoloft Day 2

Anti-depressants have a weird effect on me.

My brain is very quiet. I feel like I've reached my center while meditating, without all the meditation. It's weird. Feels kind of like the moments right before I fall asleep. It's the 4am of the mind. I just noticed it, too. It's been there all day, on and off. And there's a detachment that goes along with it.

The lights in the room suddenly got brighter, too. Not painfully, just noticeably.

I know it takes about a month or so before the 'full effects' really kick in, but there are always precursors. The brain-silence has been there for all the various anti-ds I've tried.

It's been windy all day. Tomorrow is trash day. Typical.