Pain

[perzephone]

Pain becomes a palpable thing... it can definitely ruin your outlook on life. No matter how good the night starts out, it can only get worse when you start to hurt. And my night didn't start out so hot to begin with. I know how Hans Christian Anderson's "Little Mermaid" felt - when she traded in her fins for earthly legs, the sea witch told her that every step she took would feel like she was walking on knives. I am so there. Starts in my knees, radiates down into my poor ol' feet, up into my hips, meeting my back, which is already on fire. Every step I take becomes a raw white line of electric agony. I'd pay for the surgery, I'd bite the 6 weeks of no pay and I'd put all my fears of anaesthesia-induced rage aside if the doctors could promise even a 75% reduction in this brutal assault that my knees are launching on me. But the honesty of knee surgery is this: there is a good chances, more than 50%, that they'd hurt worse after the surgeries than they do now. But it would slow the continual degeneration.
I'm in the worst kind of Catch-22 - I'm too fat, which is hard on the knees. Exercise to lose weight - hurts too much, & will continue to damage my knees. So stay fat & have slow progressive degeneration or exercise & have really fast degeneration & a lot more immediate & lasting pain than when I just sit around w/my feet up.
I think me & Jack Daniels here are gonna go take a bath.