Dissatisfaction

[perzephone]

Why can't I ever be one of those people who is just content to work? Why do I always have this yearning to do something else, something different - why am I never satisfied? I mean, I understand that I will probably never be 'happy'. Happiness is for other people, kind of like deep meaningful love. But eventually I'd like to be doing something that makes me a smidge less 'unhappy'. I feel like I run myself into a brick wall, time after time honestly, only this brick wall isn't as simple as the ones put up by the various Gods I've encountered, it's one that I've put up myself.

I've almost gotten a degree in a career field I'm not prepared to enter. I'm working someplace where I'll never be more than what I am now, which would be okay except I don't glean an ounce of satisfaction from doing it... and I've got a potential job on the event horizon of another deep pit of drudgery much akin to being a front desk clerk. I am such an empty shell of a person you'd think that I'd be able to do something like work at a call center or something without blinking an eye.

I know I have to have a job to make the money to pay the bills... but the thought of doing this, whatever this might be, for the rest of my life just makes me ponder suicide a little more seriously. I mean, I'm already dead, I just haven't stopped breathing.

Comments

[spyral-weaver73.livejournal.com]

What worked for me was not putting boundaries on what I could 'do' that would bring me happiness. I love my family and all but if I couldnt do my art, I would just crumble up into dust. I -need- that expression. Its part of who I am. Perhaps your search should just be fundamental, the things that brought you happiness before and letting those evolve. Eventhough I started working in jewelry, I dont really make it much anymore since my expression changed. I spent alot of time looking into other craft forms and mediums before getting into crocheting and felt. I know that will even change over time too.

I dont know if I will make serious money doing my art. I find that when its time for me to get a job outside the home to make constistent money, it wont sting nearly as much since I can still do my art to really fulfill me.

*hugs*

Limitations

[perzephone.livejournal.com]

My biggest limitation right now, just like millions of other people, hah, is having to have affordable health insurance - and I haven't found anything I can do that comes w/affordable health insurance that makes me less unhappy.

I've gone down so many damned rabbit holes on this one...